Wednesday, August 18, 2010

the doctor is out

Larry King hosted his highest rated show in over five years last night after scoring a very special interview with infamous media gadfly Dr. Laura Schlessinger. The viewing audience, estimated at over thirty thousand, was shocked and saddened by the news that Dr Laura would be leaving her somewhat popular radio show at the end of the year, "unless those tight assed politically correct bagel munching Jews at Clear Channel decide to fire me first."

"Don't you give me that affronted look, Larry, it makes you look like a fucking retard," Schlessinger told the wide-eyed King of Talk. "I used to be a kike myself, so it's okay for me to say things like that."

"I want to regain my First Amendment rights," she told King. "I want to be able to say what’s on my mind and in my heart without some cocksucker trying to crawl up my ass. Quit looking at me like that, old man. It's perfectly proper for me to say cocksucker, because I'm using it in the literal medical sense. I'm sure you're aware that it was the faggots and dykes that got my television show cancelled, and all because I had the honesty to say that they were little more than biological errors. I do have my Ph.D. in physiology, so when I call someone a freak of nature, you can take that to the bank."

Schlessinger says that her immediate plans include freshening up her physiology chops. Her doctoral thesis, 'Effects of Insulin on 3-0-Methylglucose Transport in Isolated Rat Adipocytes', was long considered the premier work on methylglucose movement in the fat cells of lonely diabetic rodents, but sadly that field of research has fallen out of favor over the past few decades.

"I'd thinking about restarting my private practice as a marriage and family counselor," Schlessinger told King, right before he abruptly went to commercial. "I'd like to move down south and work with niggers in their native habitat."

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