Fresh from a two long month's exile spent wandering in the campaignless wilderness, Michele Bachmann has returned to the fear-mongering scene just in time to provide blessed relief to those tortured souls who were beginning to be able to catch a glimpse of their own shadows without collapsing into a outburst of gut-churning trepidation.
"If not now, then when," Bachmann cryptically quizzed crypt-keeper Glenn 'Gravedigger' Beck, editor of scream-screed 'SHRIEK!'. "If not me, then who?"
"Whom," whispered Beck, and spake not a word more.
"Exactly," replied Bachmann, suppressing a shudder. "Certainly there is horror present in the walking dead who are our final candidates - Mitt 'The Mortician', Ron Paul-Bearer, Rick 'Whose Last Name Must Not Be Googled' and Newt 'Guy in Human Centipede' Gingrich."
"I think you mean 'Human Centipede II'," cautioned Gravedigger, before withering under Bachmann's fiery gaze.
"The Birth Panels cometh!" Bachmann shrieked, which given the context was surprisingly appropriate. And then she whispered of the existence of the long rumored 'Health Dictator' in a voice so low that only the Gravedigger can be certain of the identity.
"It isn’t far-fetched to think that the president of the United States could say, we need to save health care expenses - the federal government will only pay for one baby to be born in the hospital per family, or two babies to be born per family. That could happen. We think it couldn’t?"
"Just like China? Well, I don't know that we think it couldn't happen, Michele, it's just that..."
"Michele? Do not call me by that name. Address me as 'Solyndra, Scourge of Sacrosanct Solar Solutions' or do not address me at all. As everyone here at FOX News can tell you..."
"Solyndra, about that FOX News thing... You've been wandering the wilderness for quite a few months now, haven't you? I'm, uh... Did you notice that there's only one camera in here?"
"I did, and although I found it odd, I have always known you as a man who pushed the boundaries between reality and truth."
"As I continue to do now. This is my new venture, one in which I am totally free. I call it GBTV. That's Glenn Beck Television."
"They have given you your own network? Surely your power grows by leaps and bounds. Your audience must now be massive."
"Well, it's growing. See, we're subscription based, and mainly people follow us on the web..."
"Aiiiiyeeee! The horror! The horror! I depart you now!"
"She's gotten even weirder, and coming from me, that's saying a lot... My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. I thought she knew... Ah, well, always a pleasure, even if it was a quick one. And believe me, our crack news team will be looking into these reports of the Health Dictator. That could be a huge story. But right now, I want to bring on the great American entertainer Meatloaf who says he's lost two television appearances because of reports in the liberal USA today that he's a secret conservative. Welcome to the show, Mister Loaf..."
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