Wednesday, April 4, 2012

back to the club

"...and while it's still too early in the process for me to say that the toppling of Obamacare is a done deal, what I'm endeavoring to do is to strategize as though it were. That way, assuming the Supreme Court strikes it down, we'll be able to swiftly move forward with retaking America while the enthusiasm of the people is still with us."
I'm just a simple hedge fund manager, Mister Ryan, not a master of strategy like you, but wouldn't you agree when I assert that your assumption is an enormous one?
No, I wouldn't, Mister Paulson. Enormous is an adjective that I would reserve for my ambition, my ego, and occasionally for my shlong, but never for my aspirations for America. Perhaps the Court won't reign in the scope of federal power, but they're close, 4-5 at worst,  and the Senate will never again allow the appointment of a moderate justice, much less a liberal one.
That's true, we never shall. Even if I fail in my primary mission and Obama somehow gets a second term, he will find himself thwarted at every turn, and given our control of the House and anticipated majority of the Senate, he will go down in the flames of impeachment well before the biennial contests.
Pretty words, Senator McConnell, but as is consistently the case, only time will tell. Congressman Ryan, let's say that your best case scenario is a valid one... What then are the repercussions, and what would be the next House move?
Great question, Mister Krauthammer, but you know, I'm just a number cruncher. I think that I should turn the response over to somebody who can make things happen.
Well, thank you, Representative Ryan. You're being far too modest in calling yourself a number cruncher, even if your humility is pretty much absent elsewhere. To answer your question, Krauthammer, I suppose that the first thing we've got to do after getting rid of Obamacare is to replace it, like we promised we...
Pardon moi, Mister Temporary Speaker, but I believe my fellow young gun Paul threw it to someone who can make things happen, and not to put too fine a point on it, that sure as hell ain't you... Now to answer your question, there is legislation that Congress has voted for in the past that would be back on the table. Care to extrapolate, Ryanator?
If I must... Let's take the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you care about it? Of course not, but you pay a pretty penny for it, don't you? How about labor relations law? I know you don't like that. Why should the Feds be able to tell citizens that they have to join a union against their will? That's radical fascism, just like the idea of the government telling you how much you have to pay some loser with baggy pants to fetch you a government inspected burger. Is it your fault because they're a burger fetcher? Well, yes, you were kind enough to hire them, but aspirationally the answer is no. More likely it's the fault of the public education you're forced to pay for. But let me move on to the larger point, Mister Krauthammer...
Just plain Krauthammer, if you will. Your points are large enough, but you don't really need to preach to the choir, Congressman Ryan. Simply tell us where you intend to go should the Court bless us all.
Sorry, Krauthammer, this is my first time here. Okay, the next action we do is to pass my budget through the Senate... As I'm sure you know, they say that there's no way in hell it would ever make it through the Senate, and if it did, it assuredly would not be veto proof... But, if health care is declared to be federal overreach, then what is Medicaid? What is Medicare? What is Social Security? What are all of the so-called safety net programs? They're all the same, and if even one is unconstitutional, then they all are,
Ergo, your budget suddenly becomes uncontroversial given the new laissez-faire economy. Very good, Congressman, very good indeed. You apparently have an impressive pair of cojones to accompany your enormous johnson.
Whoo-hoo, we're a winner!
We're all a winner, with the possible exception of... You about ready to pay up, Sheldon?
Yeah, yeah, what's a few million when you're having a good time? You don't really think I expected to win with Newt, do you?
Come on, Mister Adelson, you know that's hurtful.  I ran a hard race... I'm one of the last four standing...
You mean Sheldon's one of the last four standing don't you, Moon Boy? And even with his money, they whipped you like a red-headed stepson.
Don't sulk, Newt. If you ask me nicely, I'll consider letting you come back to FOX as a special election correspondent.
to be continued...

1 comment:

  1. Love those killer guest cameos at the end!

    Or is it...