tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70946005444036976782024-02-07T23:42:13.635-08:00Fried Green al-Qaedasmark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.comBlogger1115125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-17884892517304521852015-07-21T14:13:00.003-07:002015-07-21T14:13:42.362-07:00Samboni!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's Serpentine time!</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/VL23Rx4Pr1U/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="399" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/VL23Rx4Pr1U?feature=player_embedded" width="480"></iframe>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-35751471680670510022015-03-23T12:45:00.003-07:002015-03-23T12:45:39.132-07:00first sign of Spring<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqTlQf-ntwT3UT_11efO97simRQUpJDZjUiDn8OqA7tDdcTk3uqCNhWdYCzZiO42SAdbmLILjVUAdRjG0FaDc3IQ00XdUFh8mno-eJnrOtQqS6QW0QxSMpzJgmc88mHKilgQC_FzTLZ5Q/s1600/winter+is+coming.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqTlQf-ntwT3UT_11efO97simRQUpJDZjUiDn8OqA7tDdcTk3uqCNhWdYCzZiO42SAdbmLILjVUAdRjG0FaDc3IQ00XdUFh8mno-eJnrOtQqS6QW0QxSMpzJgmc88mHKilgQC_FzTLZ5Q/s1600/winter+is+coming.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-39532105133490894342015-02-12T10:52:00.000-08:002015-02-12T10:52:17.195-08:00I am the mushroom king I can do anything<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ7U9UCbM3pHoHq6iI4NQCFvPRJxffVhRtSC3LuySW-XLSxfNM1IDREZJKseNjXMA15sP1vu6ksYzR6tNVixdshKICFnnPhwS_qbpi_SZedY5ppARmwV1ZLM-FZ6YpvVt1wDGR7qNUr_A/s1600/kim-jong-un+shrooms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ7U9UCbM3pHoHq6iI4NQCFvPRJxffVhRtSC3LuySW-XLSxfNM1IDREZJKseNjXMA15sP1vu6ksYzR6tNVixdshKICFnnPhwS_qbpi_SZedY5ppARmwV1ZLM-FZ6YpvVt1wDGR7qNUr_A/s1600/kim-jong-un+shrooms.jpg" /></a></div>
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<b> <a href="http://kcnawatch.nknews.org/article/e2o1">The new party slogans are in!</a> Everyone a bullet point!</b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms by
making<br /> mushroom cultivation scientific, intensive and industrialized!"</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-43236566074537074352015-02-08T12:40:00.000-08:002015-02-08T12:40:05.370-08:00the aliens have landed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<br />mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-28164448132706942562015-02-08T12:35:00.002-08:002015-02-08T12:35:46.222-08:00red swing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMbd5D9c-PHWmC276kLE9c_tWKXuuQ8Ozx5QN0SOjmr-zaOsUeXclkm7966h9CLwHRdi51z_lvU_h7JDfadZi-0QeOBgngUxv8A2aEfkE18BJETWU4h28Q5FqtjaYNcPecG4eNlAVFoVA/s1600/flying.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMbd5D9c-PHWmC276kLE9c_tWKXuuQ8Ozx5QN0SOjmr-zaOsUeXclkm7966h9CLwHRdi51z_lvU_h7JDfadZi-0QeOBgngUxv8A2aEfkE18BJETWU4h28Q5FqtjaYNcPecG4eNlAVFoVA/s1600/flying.JPG" /></a></div>
<br />mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-49227714516445434002015-01-28T10:06:00.002-08:002015-01-28T10:06:48.886-08:00His face may be the last thing that you ever see<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<br />mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-55856322989666489682015-01-28T09:59:00.000-08:002015-01-28T09:59:03.754-08:00Old Stewball<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbgkhqQZwvUs5MTlV1lgsGK1przYtbzQeZClJcMPQRXBVxAuML1p7CQ8oUd_Js-T_6CMaN2rL0SIqrdrkuMlaMt0frHutCE1q1PcHyIi-kXgshxloAYiui229G-q2l0FqUWOwdtOix_m0/s1600/angry+horse+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbgkhqQZwvUs5MTlV1lgsGK1przYtbzQeZClJcMPQRXBVxAuML1p7CQ8oUd_Js-T_6CMaN2rL0SIqrdrkuMlaMt0frHutCE1q1PcHyIi-kXgshxloAYiui229G-q2l0FqUWOwdtOix_m0/s1600/angry+horse+2.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-58117663857535960752015-01-18T11:57:00.000-08:002015-01-18T11:59:40.492-08:00Lava Man<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<br />
Not safe for sleep... Enjoy!mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-63402988409878172092015-01-18T11:52:00.002-08:002015-01-18T11:52:49.925-08:00sliping you a mickey<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-78874891109183814232015-01-04T10:39:00.000-08:002015-01-04T10:39:53.746-08:00you don't miss your water<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There was a time we wished she would just go away. What were we thinking?<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/sarahpalin/posts/10153003611708588">From her open letter to PETA comes the greatest rhetorical question ever asked</a>:<br />
<br />
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">Aren’t you the same anti-beef screamers blogging hate from your comfy leather office chairs, wrapped in your fashionable leather belts above your kickin’ new leather pumps you bought because your celebrity idols (who sport fur and crocodile purses) grinned in a tabloid wearing the exact same Louboutins exiting sleek cowhide covered limo seats on their way to some liberal fundraiser shindig at some sushi bar that features poor dead smelly roe (that I used to strip from our Bristol Bay-caught fish, and in a Dillingham cannery I packed those castoff fish eggs for you while laughing with co-workers about the suckers paying absurdly high prices to party with the throw away parts of our wild seafood)?"</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"><br /></span>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-30089447267054314732015-01-02T09:01:00.001-08:002015-01-02T09:01:09.672-08:00Mr President<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">Have a nice day!</span></i>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-52649627960073748652015-01-02T08:10:00.000-08:002015-01-02T08:10:03.301-08:00Happy 2015, I promise.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In 2013 (yes, it's been a while) I spent a lot of time working with the vegetable kingdom.mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-24858083371433069312014-12-15T13:15:00.000-08:002014-12-15T13:15:30.939-08:00it's been too long...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLANjayXCBj7bDoQ2b-FkoZ71NXZ5O_n7rvVb5Ab2TLoHlfc1m_OLtNcBqm-BdaN3TujiLAUEKCtBRuJuGgTEoM8F5cM2LtVceFqD_c7GK0zpaMuyQIApNnbdpcx9WM7cyZOM68jjnY0U/s1600/olily+multi+090.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLANjayXCBj7bDoQ2b-FkoZ71NXZ5O_n7rvVb5Ab2TLoHlfc1m_OLtNcBqm-BdaN3TujiLAUEKCtBRuJuGgTEoM8F5cM2LtVceFqD_c7GK0zpaMuyQIApNnbdpcx9WM7cyZOM68jjnY0U/s1600/olily+multi+090.jpg" height="443" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-18277247476024083602012-04-26T14:35:00.001-07:002020-11-12T12:17:59.265-08:00Mighty New North Korean Threat<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"> In further proof of the old religious curse that the incompetencies of the father are visited upon the son, baby-faced North Korean President Kim Jong-un suffered his second major military embarrassment in less than a month, not bad for a lad only a few weeks into his dictatorship. To make matters worse, the mortifying incident occurred following a military parade which was supposed to divert attention from the utter failure of North Korea's mighty space rocket and observation satellite - the little ship that couldn't.<br />
<br />
"It was a grand parade intended to show off the North's mighty new weapon," <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/analysts-say-new-missiles-displayed-by-n-korea-are-sloppy-fakes-show-no-sign-of-advancement/2012/04/26/gIQABaGNiT_story_1.html"> said Nonom DePlume of the Associated Press.</a> "At first we though they had even reinstituted the legendary DPRK Women Warriors of War for the parade, but it quick became sadly clear that it was simply a case of the regular army no longer being able to afford pants. I guess the point is, even more than a mighty rocket ship, the thing North Korea wants most is a working Inter Continental Ballistic Missile System... Uh, let me rephrase that, what the people want most is a sandwich, but the military has been yearning for ICBMs for a long time. Working ones."<br />
<br />
"We thought that perhaps they had some that might work this time," continued DePlume. "Well, we thought it was a possibility, at least. A remote one. Just yesterday they claimed their mighty missile would be able to defeat the United States with a single blow. And the day before I believe it could reduce South Korea to ashes in the blink of an eye. That <i>would be</i> a mighty missile, but nobody was exactly on red alert..."<br />
<br />
"The thing is, they never should have put them on display. Never. Those were some phony-ass missiles, I'm telling you. <i>They didn't even fit on the launchers</i>. The casings were all wrong, so thin and fake, and they looked like they were made out of a combination of liquid-fuel and solid-fuel components which means, you know, they would just blow up on launch. If they were real, that is."<br />
<br />
"Such arrogance is really indecent coming from a French man," responded North Korea's top general Vice Marshal Ri Yong-ho. "Tell Mister DePlume our missiles are quite real, as he will find out soon when he is annihilated. One more thing. Perhaps our missiles <i>have been intended</i> to blow up on launch so that we don't destroy the planet until we're ready. Think about that, Nonom DePlume. As a matter of fact, get ready to die. I'm launching now. <i>Hahahaha..</i> Oh. Oh dear. Forgive me great leader, Kim Jong-un. I forgot to ask his coordinates. I suppose I'll be the next to meet an untimely demise."<br />
<br /><br />
"Well, DePlume was wrong about one thing," said Colonel Dean Frank of the Joint Special Operations Command a few moments later. "Sorry about the eavesdropping, but national security, you know. Anyway, the satellite photos just came in a few minutes ago, and not only did North Korea's new ICBM not blow up on launch, it actually attained an altitude of 27 feet and flew a full mile and a half. It didn't explode on impact, either, but I guess you could say that if this isn't their most deadly missile yet, at least it's the most hilarious."</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-57646864327004016082012-04-13T14:22:00.001-07:002020-11-12T12:19:29.007-08:00Kim Jung-un startles the people<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"><br />
<br />
Good evening, loyal citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. I hope that many of you are gathered around your community's television set and are listening to me with your full attention, for tonight <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/in-a-first-north-korea-tells-its-people-about-a-failure/2012/04/13/gIQA4g8WET_story.html?hpid=z1"> I bring you both good news and bad news</a>. Now before you grow too apprehensive, allow me to say that the bad news has nothing to do with your sadly meager food rations. Unfortunately neither does the good news.<br />
<br />
Now as I'm sure you're aware, since today is the occasion of a rare half-day holiday, we are in the midst of celebrating the centennial of the birth of my paternal grandfather, the revered Kim Il-sung, the man you refer to as <i>Eternal President</i>. Which is something of a misnomer, but seeing as the only other leader any of you have ever known was my dad, I'll let it pass. <br />
<br />
The reason you have been summoned to gather around your community television set is to reveal to you the reason why your rice sacks have admittedly been on the skimpy side over the past eighteen months. My father - the man you inexplicably referred to as <i>Beloved Leader</i> - had this burning desire to buy something special to properly commemorate the hundredth birthday of his father - a rocket ship mighty enough to launch an Earth observation satellite... Yeah, I know, it doesn't seem like a high priority for a starving country to me either, <i>but you know my dad,</i> he probably thought he could mount a bomb on it.<br />
<br />
Long story short, I summoned you to congregate around your communal television set this evening in the hope that I could share with you glorious video footage of the launch of our mighty rocket ship, and the good news is that I shall do so right now. Roll it, Jon-sun.<br />
<br />
Okay, this is the countdown... three, two, one... <i>blast off! Wow, take a look at those flames!</i> That's impressive isn't it? You could cook a weenie in those flames if you were fortunate enough to have one... Slowly thrusting upwards into the cloudless sky and bit by bit gaining speed and altitude.. and now it rises so high that it's just a small silver needle in the sky and... and now it's much easier to see because it just tragically blew the hell up in a spectacular explosion and is falling into the ocean much like a metal pelican... <br />
<br />
That's the bad news... It's like we just took your lunch money for the next year and flushed it down the toilet... That's a western device that most of you have probably never seen or even heard of because <i> unfortunately my dad and my granddad had other priorities, such as nuclear missiles and Earth observation satellites...</i> Or as dad would say 'deadry nucrear missurs and Earth observation satturites'. The old man never could master the English language, which put him at somewhat of a disadvantage when it came to saber rattling.<br />
<br />
Now I realize that many of you are listening to my words with utter disbelief because you have never before in your brainwashed life so much as considered the concept of a Korean failure. From what my father and his father regularly assured you, we just sailed from great victory to great victory and our nation had never experienced failure in our entire history. You've seen our triumphs on your community television sets, and I guess you believe what you just witnessed to be an inexplicable hoax. That's my granddad's fault, I guess, since he's the one who introduced them to the people as 'magic boxes of truth', but really, as you just saw, the televisions will play pretty much anything we want them to. <br />
<br />
The fact is that Korea has had <a href="http://fgaq.blogspot.com/search?q=jong&max-results=40&by-date=true"> more than our share of failures in the past</a>. Did you know that there are countries in this world where the people aren't starving? It's true, but since you've always been told we're the Land of Plenty, I'm sure that's a difficult concept. I'm just hoping to initiate a little minor course correction here, so don't fret too much about it. And have yourself a very merry Kim Il-sung Day.</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-38484782148271592072012-04-10T15:03:00.001-07:002020-11-12T12:21:17.991-08:00and then there was Mitt<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"> Thanks so much for that wonderful introduction, Governor Corbett, and of course for your wonderful endorsement. Let me just start out by saying how great it is to be back here in the great state of Pennsylvania. In particular I have a special fondness for Chester County, which is the not only the most beautiful but also the most affluent in the entire state. The thing I like the most is that you have all the advantages of the great city of Philadelphia without having to actually live there. I'm sure Governor Corbett here agrees with me, don't you, Governor? You don't go into Philly, do you? No, I didn't think so, there's a good reason the people of Chester County call it Filthydelphia. They've got this mayor, Mayor Nutter, and I'd just say that he's aptly named. He's already endorsed Barack Obama and... it's okay, folks, you can boo, I'm pretty sure Mayor Nutter isn't in attendance.<br />
<br />
Anyway, here in Chester County, things just <i>seem</i> right. The air is clean and you can walk down the street without fearing for your life. The good people look you straight in the eye and they don't try to rook you into playing Three Card Monte. And you have the same wonderful cheesesteaks that they do in Philly, only here in Chester County you can eat them with a fork and knife and no one thinks a thing about it.<br />
<br />
Well, here we are folks. This is where the rubber meets the road, only seven months until the big dance. Any Rick Santorum supporters here today? A few, I see a few hands... Sorry about that, folks, but believe me, I'm really going to appreciate your support, even if it's due to the fact that you've pretty much run out of other options. I suppose you <i>could</i> always throw your vote away on Newt or even Ron Paul, but from what Governor Corbett tells me, the people of Chester County don't roll that way. And you <i>could</i> vote to give the most radical president in history another four years. I know that Mayor Nutter will but then he doesn't live here in Chester County where you can get your cheesesteaks made with brie for no extra charge.<br />
<br />
I want to say something that I've been wanting to say for many months now - <i>I'm your only viable remaining option</i>. Really. It's come down to this. But it's okay, I know I've had the support of the good people of Chester County on my side all along. I'm someone that you all can relate to, someone who shares your concerns... The rest of the state is a little tougher, you know, like James Carville once said, Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh on the right, Philadelphia on the left, and Alabama in the middle. Considering the alternative, we should take Pittsburgh, just say to heck with Philly, and work hard to convince Alabama, that in the words of that great song, they can't always get what they want but I'm pretty certain that I'm what they need. Something like that. Okay, now that Santorum is out of the picture, let me take this opportunity to up my pander and tell you a little about the new Obama agenda. And no, I'm not the Etch-a-sketch candidate, I'm more like a computer and now it's time to reboot...</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-86184940955600071122012-03-21T14:07:00.003-07:002020-11-12T12:40:48.042-08:00And just like my tragically failed 2012 budget...<br /><table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQAVEp-PhC6GrCPbF0iIwEo4eJBFpoY2-8Mn_SHC59RISMJPZbTDtfUJghDUhN92bgC0pcXXBkEZrBo41QMZWvf2qwtl_yM0hejUcq3MXZS8zVEntK1U8O3Do8w9gEmKLA6lOlCCf34B0/s390/paul+ryan+budget.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="297" data-original-width="390" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQAVEp-PhC6GrCPbF0iIwEo4eJBFpoY2-8Mn_SHC59RISMJPZbTDtfUJghDUhN92bgC0pcXXBkEZrBo41QMZWvf2qwtl_yM0hejUcq3MXZS8zVEntK1U8O3Do8w9gEmKLA6lOlCCf34B0/s320/paul+ryan+budget.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />"...this close cousin has the power to fundamentally transform the economy in ten short years. Now as you'll notice here on the next graph, the CBO's projection of the national debt over the next ten years after my budget is passed shows it going bug-shit crazy in 2014, then steadily going down until the end of 2022 where it shoots back up a wee little bit and then plateaus. So basically we get one hell of a roller coaster ride out of it and it really doesn't cost us that much at all."<br />
<br />
"Uh, Congressman Ryan, I'm having trouble reading the little numbers from here, but isn't your budget actually raising the debt by about five trillion?"<br />
<br />
"I haven't called for question time yet, Andrea, so I'm a little reluctant to answer that question lest I be seen as rewarding your impertinence. Still, I can't let that bit of misinformation from you just lay out there and fester like some moldy chunk of cheap cheese. Government cheese if you please, the kind the government will no longer be handing out for the price of a stamp under my superlative new budget, a budget which is not only frugal but cruel and very, very cool. Raoul?"<br />
<br />
"<i>What</i>?"<br />
<br />
"Don't you have a question?"<br />
<br />
"<i>No, I don't have a question, and I never heard you call for question time. You think just because I'm from FOX News I've got a question for you? What, did you imagine that you saw me over here waving my hand and jumping up and down or something?</i>"<br />
<br />
"I'm terribly sorry, Raoul, I guess I was stereotyping you a little by assuming you would have a question, and..."<br />
<br />
"<i>Andrea had a question. Why don't you answer that one?</i>"<br />
<br />
"I thought she was being a little disrespectful by asking a question before I called for question time, and so I..."<br />
<br />
"<i>You still haven't called for question time, Congressman, so I'd say you've been overcome by events. Now stop with the Little Miss Prissy Pants routine and answer Andrea's damn question.</i>"<br />
<br />
"I disagree with your assertion that I'm acting like a Little Miss Prissy Pants, Raoul, but the sad fact is that the essence of Andrea's question has now totally slipped my mind."<br />
<br />
"She asked if your budget raises the debt by five trillion."<br />
<br />
"Oh... No, no it does not. It only raises the debt by four trillion and change. And of course that's in 2023 dollars. Anyone else? Oh come on, this is a totally revolutionary budget proposal. You're going to tell me nobody else has a question?"<br />
<br />
"I do. Are you..."<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry, Andrea, you already had a question."<br />
<br />
"No I didn't. Raoul had a question."<br />
<br />
"Okay, now technically that's true, but the fact of the matter is that he was asking <i>your</i> question, so it..."<br />
<br />
"<i>Don't you speak for me, Congressman. I think I'm going to take credit for that question, okay? Now how do you like them apples?</i>"<br />
<br />
"I would tell you how I like them apples, Raoul, but since you've decided to take credit for the previous query I would inadvertently be rewarding you with a second question. Well, Andrea, I suppose you get a question as a technicality."<br />
<br />
"<i>Oh wow, that is so very generous of you, seeing as how everyone is so dumfounded by your presentation that they don't even want to discuss it</i>. You're cutting over five trillion from Medicaid, Medicare, welfare, federal pensions, and farm support and spending four and a half trillion of it on tax cuts for the wealthy. You're doing a reverse Robin Hood and..."<br />
<br />
"<i>Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there, Andrea, I believe in people who pull themselves up by the bootstraps</i>... What I'm doing is getting rid of a safety net which lulls able-bodied people into lives of complacency and dependency, which drains them of their very will and incentive to make the most of their lives. It’s demeaning."<br />
<br />
"<i>Your plan is what's demeaning, and, point of order, I still haven't asked a question. So here you go. Do you actually believe the House will vote for your budget?</i>"<br />
<br />
"Hey, that's an easy question. Yes. Yes I do. Okay, who else has a question? Come on, people, I've got..."<br />
<br />
"<i>Congressman Ryan, are you suicidal?</i>"<br />
<br />
"I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to answer that, Roger. I saw Andrea whispering in your ear, so I'm assuming that she planted the question."<br />
<br />
"No she didn't."<br />
<br />
"I'm not going to get into a game of 'he said she said' with you, Roger, so if I'm wrong at least I err on the side of question time protocol. Okay, anyone else? ...No? ...Well, silence implies consent, doesn't it? ...<i>Doesn't it?</i> ...Okay, whatever, thanks for coming..."</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-7582741873600652682012-03-13T14:15:00.001-07:002020-11-12T12:51:27.667-08:00The Natural<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn88AQbkWifScztlmxhBo9wrh__0fMtr8pmWGuPK2_mcQ_D5GHcfxIaMkhAkpJ5S2zffioFNQY5VQv8htTEoX1MvXdm7JKqH35V_PJWDWJRQlC8CIjq_KwgBSz1OOXY17c-hJ1FIo1QU0/s390/romney+foxworthy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="260" data-original-width="390" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn88AQbkWifScztlmxhBo9wrh__0fMtr8pmWGuPK2_mcQ_D5GHcfxIaMkhAkpJ5S2zffioFNQY5VQv8htTEoX1MvXdm7JKqH35V_PJWDWJRQlC8CIjq_KwgBSz1OOXY17c-hJ1FIo1QU0/w400-h266/romney+foxworthy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"><br /><br />
"...and then I tried this one on him - you <i>might</i> be a redneck if you pick your teeth using a catalog... Mitt, he looks at me and says 'I prefer to use a water pic but I <i>might</i> be open to using a wooden toothpick while I'm here <i>if</i> it's in a sanitary package. But I'm sorry, Jeff, I'm not going to use a catalog, it's just not who I am'... Man just didn't get it. Course he's got a beautiful set of choppers."<br />
<br />
"Thank you, Jeff."<br />
<br />
"So I told him, you <i>might</i> be a redneck if your wallets on a chain but your dog ain't. Right? Right? And ole Mitt, he's shakin his head, and I know that he just don't understand. So I say, outta frustration, you <i>might</i> be a Romney if your valet has your wallet and your dog is chained to the roof of your car.. <i>and he just howls.</i>"<br />
<br />
"Like my dog Seamus, when he rides up there. I could relate to that one, and to my understanding, relating is the very essence of humor. We found common ground then and there and a beautiful friendship was born."<br />
<br />
"Kinda. He watched me drink a beer."<br />
<br />
<i>"I sure did. And then I ate a catfish, for just the second time in my life.</i> It was delicious, just like the one I ate in 2008."<br />
<br />
"Fact is, he kinda picked at it. And he didn't touch his cornbread. But that's the kinda guy Mitt is, true to himself."<br />
<br />
"And true to you rednecks if you're kind enough to give me your votes... <i>Here, let me try one</i>. There's a good chance that you're a redneck if you don't believe in evolution... No? You don't get that? See, it's funny because it's true... I don't believe in evolution either, not really... Not in so many words. But the point is..."<br />
<br />
"You're losin 'em, Mitt."<br />
<br />
"No, wait, let me try one more. There's a strong possibility that you're a redneck if you believe that President Obama is actually a Muslim. And you're <i>definitely</i> a redneck if you believe that not only is Obama is a Muslim but that he was born in..."<br />
<br />
"<i>Stop it, Mitt, stop it right now.</i> Don't make me sorry I endorsed you... I'm sorry, folks, he's not from round here and, well, he's got a great sense of humor in his own way, and..."<br />
<br />
"<i>See, it's funny because it's true</i>. Crazy, yes, but crazy in a lovable sort of way..."<br />
<br />
"<i>Goddammit, Mitt, put a sock on it! Everybody's leavin!</i>"<br />
<br />
<i>"Wait! I love the South and I love rednecks and I'd love to have your vote!</i>"<br />
<br />
<i>"Shut the fuck up!</i>"<br />
<br />
<i>"Hold on! I've got some of those pigs-in-a-blanket that I hear rednecks love! Hey, I'm pretty sure that you're a redneck if you go out and vote for Mitt Romney! Get it? It's funny because rednecks love to do things that work against their own self interest... Jeff, where you going?... Jeff..."</i></td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-1474564878675078212012-03-04T11:05:00.001-08:002020-11-12T12:59:15.925-08:00my sincere apologies<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"> It's Monday, everybody, and I am the incomparable Maharushie Rush Limbaugh sitting here behind the golden EIB microphone, ready to bring you the fastest three hours in talk radio. Fast for you, anyway... For me, I imagine those hours will begin rather slowly as I muddle through a few interminably long moments of quasi-apology for my unfortunate remarks of last week before turning to <i>far</i> more important issues, such as Charlie Sheen's '<i>intern</i>' taking a job with the Obama campaign. Is that how the Anointed One intends on winning? We should have been able to see that coming online, although I'm just now getting a signal from the control booth warning me to stay away from references about being able to see anyone or anything coming online...<br />
<br />
Ladies and gentlemen, I realize that this is going to be something you've <i>never heard me say before on the airwaves</i>, something you <i>never imagined you would hear coming from my mouth</i>, but the truth is, I could really use a good cup of coffee... I really could... The sad thing is that I don't believe we have any here in the EIB studio. Maxwell House used to be one of our sponsors but then one day when I made fun of Michael J Fox's for having Parkinson symptoms, and said that he should lay off the Maxwell House French Roast, they told me that was the last drop... <br />
<br />
I could use a little pick me up... I'm tired... I've lost a lot of sleep the past few days... I've lost Sleep Number mattresses, which quite frankly, is everything you could ever want memory foam to feel like and more. And I've lost Sleep Train Mattress Center, which is your ticket to a better night's sleep, as well as being the best place on earth to get a Sleep Number mattress. At Sleep Train you won't need to take a loan to get a Sleep Number, which is excellent news since I've also lost Quicken Loans.<br />
<br />
Once again, I am a victim of those who hate America and would like to banish conservative voices like mine from the airwaves. As the injured party in this matter, I would get a lawyer except for the tragic fact that on Friday I lost Legal Zoom and since I lost Carbonite at the same time, I don't have a backup plan.<br />
<br />
At this moment I have very little choice but to apologize for being the victim of circumstances beyond my control. This is eerily reminiscent of the aforementioned Maxwell House incident or the misunderstanding with Toyota after I had a little fun with the Japanese tsunami. America has become <i>so politically correct</i> that freedom of speech is almost an alien concept... Nabisco even took offense a couple years ago when I suggested they rename their new double stuffed Oreo as the Or<i>bam</i>eo. I thought that I was handing them a brilliant idea, but then again I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that they wouldn't want to be associated with <i>this</i> president... I sure do miss those cookies...<br />
<br />
So here I am again in the sinner's corner. If not for the fact that my mind is so much quicker than that of an ordinary human I would have caught myself before my wit had a chance to spew forth. It's a little like chess, you have to think ten moves ahead, and when you talk about a hot young co-ed having enormous amounts of sex and wanting us to pay for it, you've got to realize that some listeners are going to think that you're talking about having that sex in a Sleep Train bed on a Sleep Number mattress, and advertisers can be sensitive to that type of reference, even though it was made with no harmful intentions.<br />
<br />
So to these advertisers I offer my heartfelt apology. My choice of words was not the best, and in my brilliant attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir, the way only I can. But now that you understand my intentions were innocent, I beseech my sponsors to return with all due hast. I've already forgiven you for questioning my motives and I've really got to make it to the men's room in the next ten or fifteen minutes...</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-38391620208405911392012-02-28T14:06:00.002-08:002012-02-28T14:06:46.951-08:00target audience<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"> <img border="0" height="280" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/santorum%20crowd.jpg" width="390" /><br />
"<i>Hey, Frothy Boy, over here! No, not over there, over here. What are you, deaf?</i>"<br />
<br />
"Hi, I'm Rick Santorum. Glad that you could make it today."<br />
<br />
"No problem. You didn't mind me callin you Frothy Boy, did ya? It's a little joke me and my bud Jake came up with."<br />
<br />
"Well, it's pretty darn clever. No, Mitt Romney might object to a little good natured humor like that, but not me."<br />
<br />
"<i>Why the hell would I call Mitt Romney Frothy Boy?</i> That wouldn't make sense. We call Mitt Romney 'Cheetos', cause he looks like the kinda guy who wouldn't eat one."<br />
<br />
"Oh, I get it. So you call me Frothy Boy because I look like the kind of guy who would never..."<br />
<br />
"Nah, it doesn't always work that way. Anyhow, I just wanted to come down here today and shake your hand. I feel like I owe you a big debt of gratitude."<br />
<br />
"Well that's just great. I'm glad my message resonates with you."<br />
<br />
"Goddamn if that ain't some real Frothy Boy talk. But you're right. My old lady Sheila and I were talkin yesterday bout what you said bout college, and you nailed it. She said 'that Santorum motherfucker's got it right, why should we work our asses off so our boys can go to some snooty ass college where they can get all bamboozled by liberals? If they do end up makin something out of themselves, they're just goin to end up lookin down their nose at us.' We don't need that shit."<br />
<br />
"I'm not sure that's the right way to look at it..."<br />
<br />
"Course it is. Thanks to you we're lookin at a week in Vegas. You know, Sheila's parents saved all their money so they could send her to a fancy ass college, and all she did was party and get herself pregnant. Well, I helped, but still, only use she ever got out of it was to get drunk sometimes and shoot her mouth about somethin useless. What the hell you suppose to do with political science anyway?"<br />
<br />
"I... I don't know."<br />
<br />
"<i>Me neither! Sheila neither!</i>"<br />
<br />
"Well, I'm glad you could make it here today, and I hope that I can count on your vote."<br />
<br />
"<i>Hell no, Rick, you ain't gonna find me anywhere near a voting booth.</i> I know a couple voters, and believe you me, those people is some real snobs, walking around with their little 'I just voted' stickers like they was something special. I'm not gonna lower myself to their level, no way."<br />
<br />
"Okay, then... Enjoy the rally."<br />
<br />
"Gotta run, Frothy Boy, just stopped by to say thanks. I'm headin up town to see Cheetos - he's got Kid Rock tonight."</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-39162358998665909512012-02-16T13:12:00.000-08:002012-02-16T13:12:41.940-08:00I can help!<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"> <img border="0" height="619" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/america%20helper.jpg" width="389" /><br />
<br />
It's been a grim 2012 so far tfor conservative America, a time when the 'Land of Opportunity to Throw Barack Obama onto the Scrapheap of History™' is increasingly looking less like a slam dunk than a four year project.<br />
<br />
Expectations have been tempered. Of course the excitement that a Gingrich smackdown of the Obama dictatorship would create lasting memories, but they might dissipate completely by the end of four years of lectures from the vapid intellect of the great professor. Santorum would certainly put women back in the kitchen where they belong and bring America closer to God, but it would be a rather unpleasant God, one who forced the return of bathtub gin and black market Trojans. And under a President Romney, America might only be twice as great as it was under Obama, a palliative disappointment to an electorate longing for the hallucinatory memory of the Reagan glory. <br />
<br />
But a glimmer of hope has returned for at least one extraordinary individual, the beloved former half-term Governor of Alaska whose modest dream has been only to reach the most powerful position in the world while expending the least possible effort.<br />
<br />
"If it had to be closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we could be looking at a brokered convention," <a href="http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0212/72962.html">a delusional Sarah Palin said on FOX News yesterday</a>. "Nobody is quite there yet, so I think that months from now, if that is the case, all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer up themselves up in their name in service to their country. <i>I would do whatever I could to help.</i>"<br />
<br />
"Yes, I'm sure she would do everything she could <i>to help herself</i>," said Rick Santorum when told of Palin's statements. "You know, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. Being a Christian conservative, I don't really feel free to say <i>what the fuck</i> or <i>shit </i>or <i>goddamn it to hell</i>. I can't even say <i>son of a bitch</i>, but needless to say, I'll think all of these things, even if it's to my own personal detriment... It's just that for once in my life I got a lucky break and caught the last surge of the nomination race, and I know in my heart that the possibility of a brokered convention and another candidate will have people voting for Newt by the time we get to Michigan. <i>Gosh darn it to heck</i>."</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-264417517032963472012-02-13T16:22:00.000-08:002012-02-16T13:18:23.647-08:00pancakes<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img border="0" height="275" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/romney%20pancakes.jpg" width="390" /><br />
<i>Ooh! Ooh! There he is over there!</i> You folks see him? The squirrelly looking fellow with the eyeglasses? Think you can hit him from here, Ann? Good. Okay, he's looking in this direction - <i>let that flapjack fly!</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="120" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/santorum%20pancake%20face.jpg" width="161" /><i>Mitt Romney, you miserable mealy-mouthed Massachusetts moderate Mormon mental midget, did you just assault me with a pancake?</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20smile.jpg" width="57" />Moi? Heavens no, Rick. I flung no flapjack, and you have my solemn word on that. I didn't even know you were here, although unfortunately I can't offer the assurance of my integrity for that statement.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20ann%20romney.jpg" width="64" />He speaks the truth, Paleface. My mischievous mate hoisted no hotcake. Although, in all honesty, he <i>might</i> know the identity of the individual that did.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20smile.jpg" width="57" />She's speculating, Rick. You know how it is when you're out on the campaign trail, you meet so many people...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20angry.jpg" width="58" /><i>That is so bogus, Mitt Romney. Just look at all the pancakes you have. It's an arsenal, much more than your fair share.</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20smile.jpg" width="57" />I'll grant you that, Rick. I have been blessed when it come to battercakes. But take a look around this room. Almost everybody has one. I happened to notice that you had one too.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20pensive.jpg" width="60" />I didn't really get to enjoy it, though... I wonder, as long as you're back there...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20smile.jpg" width="57" />Say no more. Ann, serve this hungry young man a nice fluffy flapjack with a couple crisp slices on the side. Know what, Rick? I think I'll change out of this folksy outfit and join you.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20pensive.jpg" width="60" />Uh, no... I think maybe I should just mingle with the voters and see what the Michigan mood is. I need to...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20ann%20romney%202.jpg" width="63" />You're too late, you vulgar little man. You should know by now that Mitt's a quick change artist. Now take your plate and leave my sight.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20angry.jpg" width="51" />Shake a leg, Santorum, I've got us a prime table in the 'no voters' section.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img border="0" height="262" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/mitt%20and%20rick.jpg" width="390" /><br />
Is that all you're going to have to eat, son? It takes a hefty breakfast to run a hearty campaign, know what I mean? You don't? Well, let me have that bacon if you're just going to leave it on your plate.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20pensive.jpg" width="60" />They let you have bacon?</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20mitt%20romney%204.jpg" width="56" />What? Are you talking about the LDS church or are you talking about my campaign manager? Because I listen to them both, and they both tell me 'you go ahead, Mitt, you eat anything you want. You want bacon, you go for it. While you're at it, have a rafter of those little link sausages you like so much'. Watch me now, I'm going to eat this entire Cheese Danish in a single bite... Mmm, that's good eating. Let me ask you something, Rick. Why on earth are you're really running for president in the first place?</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20angry.jpg" width="58" /><i>You don't really think that I'm going to open myself up to you like that, do you?</i> I've got my reasons. Why don't <i>you</i> tell me why <i>you're</i> really running?</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="76" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20why.jpg" width="54" />Why not, indeed? It's always personally enlightening to reexamine your own motivations in life. So I guess I'd start out by admitting that I really don't have any beliefs that I find an overwhelmingly need to coerce people to share with me. The truth is that I'm a highly pragmatic man with a good grasp of situational politics. Now that by itself...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><span style="color: red;"><b><i>...thirty minutes later...</i></b></span><br />
<img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20angry.jpg" width="51" />Of course, my father is a pivotal figure in my overall psychological makeup. He was a very important man, a business titan who's achievements certainly dwarf my own. I may have made more money than he did, but he changed the entire auto industry. He was the governor of the great state we're in now, and on Nixon's cabinet at a crucial time in history. Of course before he took that position, he challenged Nixon in the 1968 primaries, and that was the campaign that broke his spirit...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><span style="color: red;"><i><b>...much later...</b></i></span><br />
<img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20mitt%20romney%204.jpg" width="56" />...and so then in 2010, when I examined the political landscape, I felt that I was ideally positioned to put forth the right sort of solutions for the country at that point in time. So I decided that...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20ann%20romney%202.jpg" width="63" />Time to get a move on, Mitt. Everybody's gone on home. And you have another appearance in less than thirty minutes.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20angry.jpg" width="51" />Thanks, Ann, I'm on top of it. It's just a fifteen minute drive, but we'd better get going. I'm sure Rick here has important things to do as well.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20angry.jpg" width="58" />Oh, right, I sure do. I've got a crucial interview with the Michigan media at... <i>Oh no, doggone it to heck! I can't believe I missed it!</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20mitt%20romney%204.jpg" width="56" />Got to keep your eye on the clock, my friend. See you on the road.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20pensive.jpg" width="60" />Wait! I haven't had a chance to tell you why I'm really running for president...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="76" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20romney%20why.jpg" width="54" />That's okay, Rick. I'm sure that you've got your reasons. Ciao. </td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="75" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20santorum%20pensive.jpg" width="60" />But... Uh... I wonder if there's any more of those pancakes left...</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-35250612153681309152012-02-07T14:01:00.001-08:002012-02-07T14:02:56.733-08:00Another fair and balance 'Two-sided Debate'<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img border="0" height="407" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/o%27reilly%20eastwood.jpg" width="389" /><br />
Welcome back to the Factor, and now it's time for another of the Factor's exclusive 'Two-sided Debates'. Tonight it's a fair and balanced two-sided look at Clint Eastwood. Has he now become politically compromised in the eyes of the conservative majority, who see his Superbowl commercial for Chrysler as a thinly veiled love letter to Barrack Obama? Or not?<br />
<br />
Last night I took a look at this issue and opined that it was <i>much ado about nothing. Mister Eastwood is an American icon and deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt.</i> Millions of Americans, however, do not agree, and my producers tell me that the tweets have been rolling in continuously since my broadcast. Tonight, for our 'Two-sided Debate', we have Karl Rove - <i>who said just last night on the Factor</i> that he was <i>offended</i> by the ad - representing the right. And for the left, we have FOX News liberal Alan Colmes, who probably enjoyed the ad immensely. Gentlemen, welcome back to the Factor.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20karl%20rove.jpg" width="59" />Good evening, Bill. Third night this week and it's only Tuesday.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="80" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20neil%20cavuto.jpg" width="63" />Good evening, Bill. I should say that I'm not really Alan Colmes - I'm Neil Cavuto... You know, four in the afternoon... Here on FOX News...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20o%27reilly%20yawn.jpg" width="54" /><i>yawn</i>... Tonight you're Alan Colmes, Cavuto. All our liberals are out doing primary coverage. See if you can wing it. It's not that difficult a shtick. Okay, Rove, what do you think the message of this ad is?</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20karl%20rove%202.jpg" width="59" />I told you what I thought of it last night, O'Reilly. It's disgusting. It shows what happens when what happens when the president of the United States and his political minions are using our tax dollars to buy corporate advertising and the best-wishes of the management which is benefited by getting a bunch of our money that they’ll never pay back.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20o%27reill%20bored.jpg" width="58" />That's precisely what you told me last night. I thought that perhaps in the intervening twenty-three hours you had an opportunity to come up with something a bit more pithy.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20karl%20rove%202.jpg" width="59" /><i>Well, I haven't had a spare moment since primary season started, O'Reilly. And I don't know how I ended up with a contract that requires me to appear every time you snap your fingers.</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20o%27reill%20bored.jpg" width="58" />It's called having the <i>number one rated program in all of cable television</i>, Rove. How about you, Allen? What do you have to say to Clint Eastwood?</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="80" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20neil%20cavuto.jpg" width="63" />Oh. Uh... Good evening, Mister Eastwood, it's a real honor to meet you. I'd like to say that I'm a huge fan of your movies, particularly the more recent liberal ones, and...</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20clint%20eastwood.jpg" width="63" /><i>Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me. I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><i> <img align="left" border="0" height="80" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20neil%20cavuto.jpg" width="63" />I apologize, Mister Eastwood, I didn't mean to imply that you had become...</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20o%27reilly%202.jpg" width="56" /><i>That's a picture, Colmes. You're talking to a picture.</i> We just put a couple lines of dialogue from 'Grand Torino' behind as an amusing little experiment.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20karl%20rove.jpg" width="59" />Although I've got to admit, that sounds like something Clint would say if he ever came face to face with Alan Colmes.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20o%27reilly%202.jpg" width="56" /><i>Bingo</i>. By acknowledging that as Eastwood's probable response to a meeting with Alan Colmes, you have confirmed my supposition from last night that any perceived endorsement of the Obama administration in this ad is distortion on your part to create false outrage as a means to score cheap political points.</td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20karl%20rove%202.jpg" width="59" /><i>Curse you, O'Reilly, you've managed to thwart my best attempts at spin once again!</i></td> </tr>
<tr> <td width="100%"><img align="left" border="0" height="74" hspace="6" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/tiny%20pics/tiny%20o%27reill%20bored.jpg" width="58" />Of course. After all, <i>this is a no spin zone</i>. And you're watching the Factor, where in a fair and balanced 'Two-sided Debate', the winner is most often the moderator.</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-6449213111532851252012-02-01T11:43:00.000-08:002012-02-01T11:43:04.718-08:00man in the middle<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"> <img border="0" height="362" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/romney%20butterfly.jpg" width="389" /><br />
Mitt Romney was guilty of a small honesty this morning, but really, it's all right, he had just spent the previous week vanquishing the most abhorred and unelectable politician of the modern era, and after a great victory such as that, few are the number who would deny him a tiny misstep or two.<br />
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In an <a href="http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/02/01/romney-says-poor-comment-needs-context/"> interview with Soledad O'Brien on CNN</a>, Romney expressed his apprehension for and solidarity with the formerly vast American middle class, the one group on Earth that he cares very, very much for.<br />
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"I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling," explained the warm hearted non-career politician. "That's what I would call the middle class, the 80-90 percent of Americans who would really love to get a new Lexis but realize they may have to choose between that and sending their children to Harvard."<br />
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"I don't think that scenario accurately reflects the reality of the majority of the middle class," O'Brien responded.<br />
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"Well, you're the news anchor, so you may have facts at your disposal that I don't," Romney replied. "Am I high or low? High? What do you think, 70-80 percent sound more in line? Let's go with that..."<br />
<br />
"<i>Governor Romney, please.</i>"<br />
<br />
"Oh. Okay, I see. I think right now you're just being argumentative, but then you do look middle-class yourself, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. So, you've got the rich, and that's way less than one percent, really, and then you've got the middle class, which some news sources peg at 50 to 60 percent of the American population. Those are the people that I care about, the ones who would love just to have a small condo on Martha's Vineyard but realize they'll have to settle for Cape Cod instead. I want to help improve the lives of those people."<br />
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"And what about the other forty some percent?"<br />
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"Oh my goodness, Soledad, I'm not concerned about the very poor," Romney said. "I'm sure there are places where people fall between the cracks, and that's a shame, but realistically, they tend to fall between the cracks because they are on crack. I mean, that's the only way I can explain it. At least for the moment we've got Medicaid, food stamps, and the earned income tax credit. I wish I could get that. The earned income tax credit is one sweet loophole."<br />
<br />
"It's not a loophole, Governor."<br />
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"Well, call it what you want to, Soledad, <i>ha ha ha</i>. Hey, here's something that's going to blow your mind. You know who else I don't care about? The wealthy. They've got some pretty sweet loopholes of their own."<br />
<br />
"Many economists believe that those loopholes and the people who exploit them are a real fiscal problem.<br />
<br />
<i>"I got 99 problems but the rich ain't one of them,"</i> Romney suddenly rapped. And everyone was stunned, for he was surprisingly awesome.</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7094600544403697678.post-48824103026897068892012-01-28T13:10:00.000-08:002012-01-28T13:10:07.119-08:00The Newt Phenomenon, with Dr Harry Spangler<table bgcolor="#FFFFFF" border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr> <td width="100%"> <img border="0" height="292" src="http://www.voccoquan.com/images2012/newt%20moon.jpg" width="390" /><br />
<br />
After two sub-par debate performances in four days, there is growing speculation that the mysterious body known as Newt Gingrich has sprung a leak and is now rapidly losing mass. If true, it could be seriously damaging to the faux-intellectual wing of the Republican Party right at the very time when they're poised to seize control of the American agenda, I swear it.<br />
<br />
"When I look up into the nighttime sky of the politiverse, I swear he doesn't look any different to me than he did, oh, four weeks of so ago," said Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus. "Of course he does look considerably smaller than he did two weeks ago, but I think that can probably be attributed to the regular waxing and waning of the Newt."<br />
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"<i>The waxing and waning of the Newt - that is so lame I can't believe it,</i>" responded DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. "He's a gaseous body, which of course means that <i>he's not </i>going to wax and wane. He's kind of like a comet which comes around every twelve years or so threatening to hit the Earth but never coming close to doing so. My guess is that once he loses enough gas, he'll simply burn out. But don't take my word, I brought an expert."<br />
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"Hello, I'm Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA to give you my opinion on the so-called Gingrich phenomenon. You're probably surprised that I'm not here to talk about my beloved Pluto, or as I like to call it, the greatest dwarf planet of them all. God knows, I could go on all day about that mysterious frozen world, but the truth is, there's probably not a lot new that I could tell you about Pluto that you don't already know. It is still three long years until the New Horizons spacecraft begins it's final approach to the ninth stone from the Sun, and NASA absolutely insists that I somehow justify my salary."<br />
<br />
"That's why NASA currently has me doing research on the unstable gaseous body that is Newt. I know, I know, it may sound like somewhat questionable activity to request from a government employee, but believe me it is not. It's just that like any business, NASA is interested in projecting our revenue track for FY2013 and beyond."<br />
<br />
"Is Gingrich deflating? My research does show that he has indeed steadily been losing mass, as well as what we call reverse gravity, which simply means the ability to project ideas which stick to the brain of the listener. If he continues to lose it at the current rate, it will be only a matter of days before his words basically begin to drift off into space. And while it would not be unprecedented for a party to offer the nomination to what is essentially an empty shell, there is a tendency to not do so in the face of other more promising possibilities."<br />
<br />
"Aside from the gravity problem, there is the troubling situation with Gingrich's illumination. Simply put, when the casual observer gazes upon him, he does not appear as bright as he once did. This needs further explanation, but the fact remains that in the common realm perception is reality."<br />
<br />
"The more complete answer is that Gingrich is losing visible brightness as a direct result of his loss of gravity. But while that is occurring, something very interesting is happening - he is rapidly increasing the amount of his ultraviolet, x-ray and gamma ray emission, leading to the very real possibility that he may grow into a supernova and explode, destroying every object in his orbit, and if that were to happen the Republican Party as we currently know it would simply cease to exist."<br />
<br />
"I would like to thank Ms Wasserman-Schultz for the opportunity to opine on our rapidly changing politiverse, and will only add that should the worse happen, I hope that I once again have the opportunity to return to my research on that wondrous world that is Pluto, the greatest dwarf planet of them all!"</td> </tr>
</tbody></table>mark hobackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07278212408374559241noreply@blogger.com1