Fried Green al-Qaedas

diva!

2012-01-24T15:14:00.000-08:00

Newt Gingrich revealed his inner diva this morning, finally reviving a delightful side of himself which has not been much on display during his current resurrection, but one which we all knew was simply waiting backstage for a hearty encore.

'FOX and Friends' welcomed the former Speaker to his first ever appearance on the network, congratulating him on his South Carolina victory before moving to the really controversial topics.

"And now you're off to another debate," Gretchen Carlson began brightly. "Now, the thinking has been that you do so well in debates that you probably like all these debates. But what was your to last night's debate, because the audience was taken out of it, and up until now, the audience has been your fan."

"That's true, Gretchen, quite true," Gingrich replied, a dark look coming over his fleshy face. "I would take it a step further and say they positively adore me. They worship me, because I'm the only candidate in this race that pretends they're equal, intelligent enough to be able to handle the startling truths that I chose to bestow on them."

"Well, I suppose, although some would say that they just have a hankering for the red meat that you supply."

"Who else gives them meat, Gretchen? Romney just throws them croutons... I wish in retrospect I’d protested when Brian Williams took them out of it because I think it’s wrong, and I think he took them out of it because the media is terrified that the audience is going to side with the candidates against the media, which is what they’ve done in every debate."

"Do you think that's totally true?" Steve Doocy added, even though no one had asked for his two cents. "After all, we're the media too, Mister Speaker."

"Are you really, Doocy? I know FOX News is, but what are you? Please don't speak unless you're spoken to."

"But all I said was..."

"Shhh. I said please," Gingrich continued. "I've made an executive decision, because that's what a real president does. We're going to serve notice on future debates. We're just not going to allow that to happen. That's wrong."

"It sure is," Carlson cheerfully agreed.

"The media doesn’t control free speech. People ought to be allowed to applaud if they want to."

"Woo, woo!" Doocy exclaimed, applauding loudly.

"Shut up, Doocy, one more word and I'm out of here... Go ahead, Gretchen, I'm sure you probably want to ask me just how I intend to remedy this situation."

"What situation, Mister Speaker?"

"The situation where the mainstream media is able to restrict the hand clapping freedom of the American people... No one got to cheer me either, and that's a bit of a psychological handicap."

"Okay, got it Mister Speaker. Tell me, what do you intend to do about the mainstream medias attempt to shackle the hand clapping freedom of the American people?"

"Good question, Gretchen. I intent to use free market principles to get my way. And I'm serving notice. I will refuse to do any further debates at any media outlets that impede the God given right of the American people to raise a ruckus, thereby denying them the vast ratings and enormous advertising revenues that my participation ensures."

"I thought debates were revenue losers," chuckled Doocy.

"I told you one more word and I was out of here, Doocy, but you wouldn't listen. Sorry to leave so abruptly, Gretchen, but the fight for my personal liberty is a never-ending one and must not be so inanely interrupted."

A Primary Carol

2012-01-19T13:26:00.000-08:00

"Newt! Wait! I want to speak to you."

"Yes, madam, how may I be of assistance to you."

"Don't you recognize me, Newt? I'm Jackie Battley, your very first wife."

"Oh my... Looks like I really did get all of your best years."

"Unfortunately, I didn't seem to get any of yours... You don't seem very surprised to see me."

"Well, as a matter of fact, I'm more agitated than surprised. This should be one of those days when I'm feeling that I'm on top of the world - My poll numbers are rising, Rick Perry just endorsed me, and I've got a big bottle of bubbly chilling for after the debate. But first, apparently, I've got to take a little trip down memory lane."

"Sorry to bother you, then. I assure you that it's completely coincidental. I just happened to be in town, and I saw the cameras so I went to check and see who it was and..."

"Is this going to take a while? Because quite frankly I've got a pretty full plate today."

"I worked my fingers to the bone putting you through college and grad school. I raised our two daughters while you had your nose in a book. And then when you left me, you had the nerve and ego to say that I wasn't young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a president."

"I said that before I had ever met Barbara Bush, so I guess I was out of line on that one.. Anyway, like I said, I'm not really surprised to see you. Something strange happened to me a couple nights ago, Jackie. I was visited by a ghost."

"Not my fault."

"Of course not... It was the spirit of Bob Marley, Jackie."

"That is strange. You never even liked reggae."

"I know, but I'll have to admit, I always kind of liked the dreadlocks. Anyway, he told me that for exploiting the poor, I would be damned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. I don't really think of myself as greedy, do you?"

"You've always been greedy for attention, since you ask me."

"Bah, humbug. That's needy not greedy. Marley told me that I could only escape my fate if I would agree to be be visited by three wives - the wife of Newt past, the wife of Newt present, and the wife of Newt distant past."

"Wow. You're a trinity."

"I'm a big enough man to ignore that, Jackie. Just like I ignored Bob Marley. But then, I heard yesterday that Marianne was going to be on Nightline dishing the dirt on me. And of course I've seen Calista, so there was only one wife left to go."

"And here I am."

"Here you are. Hey, got your nose!"

"Wet go uh muh no wite now!"

"Heh, heh, you always used to love it when I'd do that."

"Not so much anymore. Anyway, I just saw you and wanted to say hello. And to wish you the best of luck with your campaign."

"That's one thing I always like about you, Jackie. Unlike my vengeful shrew of a second wife, you never were one to carry a grudge."

"Well, at least not to the grave."

"So I guess that's it, I guess. One day, three wives, and now I'm no longer condemned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. God bless us everyone! That Marley is really a pretty stand up guy, as far as spirits go."

"I'm sure he is. Just one thing I want to tell you before I go..."

"What's that, Jackie?"

"You're still totally insane."

Bolton endorses!

2012-01-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

"One of the GOP candidates is getting a brand-new endorsement right now, and boy, is it ever a big one! Enormous would not be overstating it... Drum roll please... In yet another FOX News Greta exclusive, Former U.N. ambassador John Bolton is here to announce his pick! Ambassador Bolton, I'm not going to steal your thunder. I know who it is. But tell the viewers, who are you endorsing, sir?"

"Oh, you know who it is, do you? Well, I'm glad you decided not to steal my thunder, because it wouldn't have been wise. I'm sure you remember your Norse mythology, and that time when Loki snuck into Aasgaard to steal Thor's thunder. It was not a very pleasant scene."

"Oh. Well, who are you endorsing?"

"I thought you knew that, Greta, but since you already seem to have forgotten, I'm going to support Mitt Romney. I've thought about this very hard."

"How hard have you really thought about it?"

"You're a tough interviewer, Greta. I guess I'll have to admit that I didn't really think about it all that hard because it's pretty much of a no-brainer. I think Governor Romney is the person who can best mislead the party, and best obfuscate our conservative principles, at least out of this group of candidates. Like when I was waiting backstage in the Green Room, I went over to check out the mixed nuts and - you should know this, Greta, they were over fifty percent peanuts. That's really unsatisfactory, almost a breach of etiquette. But I picked through them, even dumped them out on the table, and there amongst their midst was one lonely Brazil nut, so of course I took that."

"I'm sure they weren't fifty percent peanuts, Ambassador Bolton."

"Over fifty percent, Greta, and I was your first guest of the night. Perhaps you should investigate the trustworthiness of your staff."

"All right... Now, Speaker Gingrich and Senator Santorum both describe Romney as a moderate, and they point to many of the unsavory things that happened in the state of Massachusetts. Do you disagree with them in their critique of his policies as being too moderate in many instances?"

"Well, let me put it this way. Looking at the whole range of prospective candidates, there was only one prospective candidate who met my test as the ideal conservative, but... unfortunately he decided not to run."

"Who's that?"

"So faced with looking at everyone else..."

"Hold it right there, Ambassador, if you're not telling me who the idea conservative is, I get to guess. Is it you?"

"I guess... I guess he's sitting here!"

"Who, me? I'm the idea conservative? No, wait a second, you said 'he', so you must mean you. I guessed right!"

"You did indeed. So faced with everybody else, I followed the William F. Buckley, Jr. test, which is to find the most conservative candidate who is capable of getting elected, and..."

"You know, that was weird. You said 'he'. What sort of person refers to themselves as 'he'? Or even 'she', for example, if it happened to be me?"

"I don't see anything strange about that. You never said it was weird when Herman Cain would come on your show and refer to himself as 'Herman Cain'."

"Well, I never said it because he was a semi-legitimate presidential candidate, whereas you are just another FOX News correspondent that we call in whenever we think that they might be useful."

"Like Sarah Palin and Karl Rove, huh?"

"Precisely, although they both have considerably more lucrative deals than you. Nevertheless, we do appreciate you giving us the exclusive."

"It's in my contract, Greta. I would have preferred to endorse on Hannity, but I just go where they tell me. Anyway, there are obviously two variables here..."

"At least two, Ambassador, and I appreciate you being here with us tonight for 'On the Record with Greta Van Susteren'."

"Just one last word. Endorsing Romney is like the words of the old hymn, 'Give Me That Old-Time Religion', you know, Romney's conservative enough for me."

"Those seem like pretty weird lyrics for a hymn, but what the hey, I'm a Scientologist. Okay, stay tuned, we've got Sarah Palin coming up next to ramble on incoherently about something or another that's marginally relevant."

Does this prove that numerology can reveal the hidden truth?

2012-01-10T13:43:00.000-08:00

You bet it does. There is an awful lot to be learned from the study of numbers, and Herman Cain has long been a serious student of their integral relationship with what we call 'real life'. For example, 9-9-9.

Right now the American people are pondering what direction the nation should head in next. I remember a number of years ago when I was driving with my wife from Atlanta to Savannah. Now this was back in the days before GPS, so I handed my wife Gloria a map and she was supposed to supply me with proper directions. I'd been driving for about four hours and suddenly I look up and see an exit for Columbia, South Carolina. I pulled off the side of the road and I said 'Holy cow, woman, you've got me going to the exactly wrong place'.

Her solution was to turn around and head back to Atlanta and just start all over again. Well, you can't do that, it makes no sense. I just spent four hours driving and then I'm going to turn around and drive four hours back to Atlanta and then drive another four hours to Savannah? That may be a good example of conventional thinking but it is not an acceptable solution, and Herman Cain is not a conventional driver. So I made an executive decision and got on interstate 26, took it down to interstate 95, and two and a half hours later I arrived at my destination.

Now what does that have to do with numerology? Not a thing. It is an example of innovative verses conventional thinking. It's important that you have the ability to hold more than one thought in your mind at a time. What do you know about Herman Cain? You know that he is a leader who is able to think innovatively. You know that Herman Cain was the leading candidate for the Republican presidential nomination before he suspended his campaign to deal with baseless accusations. Suspended, that is the operative word. Perhaps you know that Herman Cain has a web site that has received literally thousands of hits. You may know that Herman Cain has a bus with his picture on it. And I'm sure you know that Herman Cain has an incredibly innovative plan that's known as 9-9-9.

That is why I will make a very important announcement on January 19th. It will be an endorsement, an unconventional endorsement. Will it be Romney? No. Ron Paul? Not a chance. How about Gingrich? No, it will not be Newt. Are you thinking Santorum? You would be wrong. Don't even ask about Perry or Huntsman. I said that it was going to be an unconventional endorsement, people, and all of the remaining candidates are quite conventional, so you have no idea what I'm thinking. You'll just have to stay tuned until the 19th to find out.

Why the 19th? Maybe you read the tweet up above and did the math on John 3:16, realizing that 3 plus 16 equal 19. I realize that too but it's a simplistic explanation. January 19th, 2012 - 1/19/12. Take a closer look, people. 1+19+12 equals 32.

There are some very interesting things about the number 32, not the least of which is that in mathematics it is known as a 'happy number'. How do I know this? Because I did the math. To find a happy number, you take it's digits, square them, then add them together until they resolve to the number one. Let me demonstrate just how happy 32 is. 3 squared is 9, 2 squared is 4, 9 plus 4 equals 13. Capiche? Okay, 13. 1 squared is 1, 3 squared is 9, 1 plus 9 equals 10. Almost there. 1 squared is 1, 0 squared is 0, 1 plus 0 equals 1, and voila, you've got a happy number in three easy steps.

A few more things you should know. 32 is the 9th happy number, and I've quite fond of the number 9. Now don't let this spook you, but in the Kabbalah, there are 32 paths to wisdom and in the Digha Nikaya there is a list of 32 physical descriptions that announce the appearance of the Buddha. Coincidence? You decide. And finally, in the ASCII code 32 represents a space, an empty space that I intend to fill on January 19 with my unconventional endorsement. Stay tuned.

Debate XXIV: Lie-bag Comix

2012-01-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

Riddle me this, Speaker Gingrich. You have agreed with the characterization that Gov. Romney is a liar. Look at him now, do you stand by that claim?

Sure.

Wow. You just called the next president of the United States a liar.

Governor, I wish you would calmly and clearly state that it is your former staff running the PAC, it is your millionaire friends giving to the PAC, and you know that some of the ads are untrue. Just say that straightforward. And wipe that silly grin off that smug face of yours.

I can't help it, Newt. It's just that I'm amused by pompous gasbags. Of course it’s former people of mine, but keep in mind that I own a lot of people. Of course it’s people who support me. They wouldn’t be putting money into a PAC that supports me if they weren’t people who support me, now would they? Surely a man of your enormous intellect can grasp that.

You're doing it again, Romney! Don't try to befuddle the audience with your infernal saturnalian obfuscation, you impenitent reprobate.

Fancy words, Professor Gingrich, but let me just say that as regards their ads, I haven’t seen 'em.

You unrepentant lie-bag! Gregory! He's doing it again!

It is not the responsibility of the moderator to pass judgment. Governor Romney, you have thirty seconds to respond.

I think the former Speaker is a little over the top, but let me tell you this, the ad I saw said you were forced out of the speakership. That was correct. It said that you sat down with Nancy Pelosi and argued for a climate change bill. That was correct. It said that you called Paul Ryan’s plan to provide Medicare reform a right wing social engineering plan. It said that as part of an ethics investigation, that you had to reimburse some $300,000 dollars, and it said that….

Gregory! Romney is way past thirty seconds!

Noted. And I also noted that he started by saying 'the ad I saw', a fact that I'm surprised you missed.

What? Oh... He sure did, didn't he? I would say that effectively proves my premise that Mitt Romney is an unabashed lie-bag.

There does seem to be a certain inconsistency between his statements. Let's ask the rest of the candidates - Governor Perry, do you believe that Governor Romney is an unabashed lie-bag?

Well, my mama always used to say that if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, there's a real good chance that it is a... uh... you know...

A duck. Congressman Paul?

Mitt Romney is just another establishment Republican afraid of meaningful change. Does that answer your question?

Not really. Governor Huntsman, where do you come down on the issue of Governor Romney's relationship with the truth?

David, the country is in real pain right now, and there are a lot of issues that...

You worked for Barack Obama, Huntsman, so I'd say that your opinion is meaningless.

At NBC, we strive to respect the opinions of all the candidates. Senator Santorum, do you believe that Governor Romney is in fact an unabashed lie-bag?

I never did before today... You know, I can't say that I know what's in the Mormon Bible, but in the holy scriptures the ninth commandment is 'Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor'. So if...

Spare me your sanctimonious sentiments, Santorum. Anything wrong, I'm opposed to, but you know, this ain't beanbag.

And this ain't the summer of love. We're heading into another break right now, and when we return, we'll turn to the topic of job creation.

That's excellent, David, because while I was the governor of Massachusetts, I created more jobs than Barack Obama has created in the entire country.

seeing the light

2012-01-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

"...but even though this is effectively a concession speech, I just can't stop saying Obamacare. Obamacare. It's a very bad thing, very bad, but I guess that now I'm not going to be the one that gets to slay that dragon. But I sure hope someone does, because this is our last chance to stop the destruction of our beloved nation by godless Socialism through Obama and his evil care."

"So anyway, as I'm sure I may have mentioned at least once before, Iowa is the state that I was born in. I grew up here until I was in the sixth grade and then my dad had to move us because of his job. But in my heart, I never left Iowa, at least not until last night, that is. Last place in my home state? Now you're dead to me. That was despicable, Iowa, not as despicable as Obamacare, but pretty evil nonetheless. I only beat out Rick Perry in my hometown of Waterloo by five votes? Yes, I'm pretty sure that I would have to rank that on the same level as Obamacare. It didn't have to be like this, Iowa. I ate fried butter for you."

"When God first told me to run for the presidency, I was as surprised as anyone. I knew that I was destined for the House Intelligence Committee but I didn't foresee the White House. Turns out I wasn't being short-sighted after all. I was punked by God. Ordinarily I would say that's even more despicable than Obamacare, but since it was God, I guess it was supposed to be amusing. Or something. Anyway, I asked Him why He would do something amusing like that, and He told me 'Michele, your work in the House is not yet complete'. And then He vanished in a puff of golden smoke."

"What could it mean, my work in the House? Seriously, I haven't spent a lot of time there lately. But then, a light bulb went on over my head. It was because I couldn't get to sleep and thought I might as well read something. But that light bulb reminded me of the 'Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act', the only piece of legislation I've been able to get voted through the House in my tenure there."

"I think my mission must be to use my newfound power and influence in order to coerce the Senate to vote for the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act. Because in their own way, those ugly little squiggly pig-tail things that the government wants to force you to use are every bit as repugnant as Obamacare. This is a fight I started, and I shall be relentless in my efforts to protect America's right to light the night with incandescent bulbs. That, and repealing every last vestige of Obamacare."

"Well, that's about it, Iowa, thanks for the memories. Let it be known that I harbor no ill feelings for my inexplicable defeat. Because if God gives me the signal, you may just see me once again chowing down on a corndog in a few short years."

another one rises

2012-01-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

Third-tier conservative talker Mike Gallagher scored a minor coup Monday, landing an interview with third-tier-but-suddenly-hot GOP candidate Rick Santorum one day before the Iowa caucus.

"I'm glad I scored it when I did," quipped Gallagher. "A week from today he may have turned back into a pumpkin. Although, to be fair, all the other candidates turned orange weeks ago."

Santorum has surprised the bejesus out of everyone with his rise to theoretical viability over the past two weeks. Analysts have ascribed his surge to the fact that fundamentalist Christian conservatives have been unable to identify an acceptable candidate that doesn't either frighten, repulse, distress, or bore them. Boredom being the least of these, Santorum appears to be the last guy standing for some voters.

"I’ve seen the media completely try to shape this race," Santorum whined, wasting no time reaching out and addressing the most pressing concerns of Iowa voters. "It's not just the liberal media. It’s even FOX News," he continued, a statement that made Gallagher temporarily lose his composure.

"What do you mean, FOX News?" Gallagher sputtered. "FOX News is fair, balanced and unafraid, and I've got a gig there... Granted it's not a regular gig, but maybe one day that call will come. Support your accusation with evidence, you scoundrel."

"You've ignored me, Mike. This is a general attitude of the elite media in our country, both conservative and liberal, who think they know best and they’re going to decide based on who they think the candidate should be, who you should think the candidate's going to be."

"I... don't know what you just said. Let me asked you a question, Santorum - are you pissed because I've never had you on my show? Because I don't have a friggin show. I'm a friggin occasional FOX News analyst."

"Yeah, another occasional FOX New analyst who thinks they're going to get their own show. I've been there, my friend, and now I'm reduced to running for president just to raise my profile. Let me ask you something - when you've been doing your analysis, have you ever said, 'I think Rick Santorum is going to be the next president?'"

"Jeez, you've really developed an attitude since you picked up a few poll points, Santorum. No, I've never said you're going to be the next president. Nobody has, because nobody believes it... But let me tell you something - I've seen you on 'FOX and Friends' and Cavuto and Hannity and I believe that you once even made an appearance on FOX News Sunday. Sounds like you've gotten a lot better treatment than Buddy Roemer or Gary Johnson. What do you say to that, huh?""Bill O’Reilly has refused to put me on his program! As far as he was concerned, I wasn’t a worthy enough candidate to earn a spot, sit across from him and be on his program"

"Okay, Santorum. Whatever. Have a nice campaign."

"Man, that guy really grills my cheese," Gallagher said at the conclusion of the interview. "You know, when Newt bashes the media, it seems like he's a real fighter, but Santorum just whines. That's why nobody wants him on their show."

"You've got that right, brother," Oreilly stated when informed of Santorum's statements. "God no, I don't have that wussy weasel on my show... But I suppose that I'll need to respond to his charges just in case FOX hires him back in a couple weeks."

last minute retail politicking

2011-12-31T13:04:00.000-08:00

"Governor Romney! We just wanted to give you a little memento from the people of Iowa."

"Oh my. That's beautiful. Like most Americans I love the color red. And it's got my name on it... What is it?"

"Can't you tell? It's a homemade Frisbee. Luanne quilted it herself."

"That's great, a quilted Frisbee. Can you throw it very far?"

"Who cares? We're too drunk to chase it anyhow... I don't guess you can relate to that, can you?"

"Of course I can relate. You don't have to be a drinker to relate to the joy I see on your faces. But you've got to ask yourself, just how much can Barack Obama relate to ordinary people like you and me? He's in Hawaii right now. Does anyone here know where Hawaii is?"

"It's not even in the continental United States. It's out there in the ocean... And it's warm."

"Indeed it is, quite warm. But you and I, we're out in the cold and the rain and the wind because we care about America."

"We're out in the cold and the rain and the wind because we live in Cedar Rapids. We can't just stay in the house until May."

"I understand. You can't stay in the house because you've got to go out and earn a living. But not Barack Obama. Did you know that he just finished his 90th round of golf?"

"Ninety rounds of golf in three years? How is that even possible?"

"You've got me. The logistics are staggering, but he doesn't care. He reminds me a lot of Marie Antoinette."

"Marie Antoinette? Did she play a lot of golf?"

"I truly do not know the answer to that, although it wouldn't surprise me if she did. But some of you might recall from history that when she was told the people of France had no bread, she said 'let them eat cake'."

"I'm just a simple hard-working woman, but that sounds like pretty good advice to me."

"Well, they didn't have any cake either."

"How about pie? I'd like some pie."

"Hush, grandpa, we'll have some pie after the rally."

"Speaking of pie, I want to get this nation back to the idea of growing the pie, rather than Obama's socialist belief that we should just accept the pie the size it is and try to make sure that everyone gets an equal slice."

"I kind of get what you're saying, Governor Romney, but what good does it do to have a bigger pie if we're still not going to get a slice of it, know what I'm saying? Now from what I've read, you've got a pretty big slice for yourself, so how are we supposed to believe that you can relate to ordinary folks like us?"

"Unlike Barack Obama, I can relate to ordinary folks because I have so many of them working for me."

"Can you give us jobs?"

"No, but if you'd care to follow me across the street to Lucy's Home-style Diner, I can get you a piece of pie."

if not now, then when?

2011-12-29T12:24:00.000-08:00

just stumbled upon this piece from 2008 that I never posted...

Simian superstar swings no more

2011-12-28T13:58:00.000-08:00

North Koreans pay respect to the passing of two great icons

Cheetah, perhaps the most famous primate in history under a hundred feet tall, has quietly passed away from kidney failure. He was 80 at the time of his demise, making him quite an old chimpanzee indeed. The star of the early 'Tarzan' movies outlived both of his human co-stars, Maureen O'Sullivan, who played jungle beauty 'Jane' and Johnny Weissmuller, who played the titular role of Daniel 'Tarzan' Montgomery.

The lovable chimp who's full name was Cheetah-Mike, was one of many monkeys to play the character, but critics universally agreed that he was the personification of the role.

"None of the other chimps ever approached the quality of his work," said New York Times film critic A.O. Scott. "He created the role and played it for all it was worth, always ready to mug for the camera or let loose with that delightful squeal of his. He did his own stunts, which is something that today's monkey's would never dream of. It's a shame that he never broke out of the ghetto of Tarzan movies - I would have given anything to see what he could do in a film like 'On the Waterfront'."

Cheetah spent his final days at Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Florida, where he spent his time fingerpainting, watching football, and for some disturbing reason, listening to Christian music.

Upon hearing of his death, O'Sullivan's daughter Mia Farrow affectionately tweeted that her mother always referred to Cheetah as 'that bastard', the first in what is sure to be a long series of moving tributes.

Robert the Bruce

2011-12-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are again, the hard working Republican members of the of the House Payroll Tax and Unemployment Benefits Extension Committee, just sitting around and waiting to negotiate. And as I look around me, I can't help but notice that there don't seem to be any Democrat representatives present. Am I correct about that, young Eric?

I don't know, let me check... No, I don't believe there are. And you know, I don't believe that the Senate has reconvened either, even though we asked them nicely to do so.

And that's a real shame, too, because two days ago we voted 229-193 in favor of approving my resolution on the Senate two month extension of payroll tax cuts and unemployment benefits.

We sure did. I remember it as though it were yesterday.

But it wasn't. It was the day before yesterday. Now the good news is that our Republican members got to vote yay rather than nay, so that's a positive thing, one that hopefully will bamboozle much of the public. Now I'll be glad to take a couple questions.

I hate to tell you this, Mister Speaker, but I'm pretty sure that all of the reporters got bored and left.

In that case, I've got a question You know, voting yay on your resolution meant casting a nay on even bringing up the Senate bill. It's an interesting parliamentary move, bit I'm afraid I'm largely unbamboozled. Am I missing something?

No, Renee, you're not. That being said, you are a very hard woman to bamboozle. It's just that a short extension in benefits doesn't help anyone except perhaps for those who might directly benefit from it. It certainly doesn't help the job creators. Like I've said repeatedly, a two month extension is simply kicking the can down the road.

So I guess a one year extension is kicking the can through the goalpost. Maybe Representative Ellmers isn't bamboozled, but I am. Just ten days ago you were telling us to vote against any extension.

It's hard to explain things to a bamboozled man, Dave. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've got to admit that I have the right countenance for it. The fact is, there are rapidly changing realities.

Rapidly changing realities? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're really in over your head, aren't you?

Don't listen to Camp, Mister Speaker, the man admits to being bamboozled. Just remember what we told you on Tuesday. This is a Braveheart moment and you are our William Wallace.

Funny you should mention that, young Eric. You know, I had never seen that movie before, so I just had this vague notion of William Wallace as some sort of mythic figure.

No, he's not mythical. Mel Gibson is a real person.

That's quite true, Renee, but the character Mel Gibson plays does not in any way achieve victory.

Okay, it's obviously true that Robert the Bruce comes out on top in the end, but I think you could rightly say that William Wallace achieved a certain moral victory.

Well, yes, but you might have noticed that he gets hung, then cut down while still alive. Then they gut him, behead him, and finish up by drawing and quartering his dead body.

That's kind of a noble death. In a way.

No it's not, Dave. And to make matters worse, it's all in slow motion. Much the way this whole past year has been.

So what about it, Mister Speaker? Are you going to be our William Wallace?

Not willingly, Cantor, but I seem to have been cornered into it. And I know that you're just dreaming of me going down in flames.

Moi? Je me tiens accusé?

And then when I'm defeated, you believe that you will be our William Wallace.

No way, Boehner. I'm pretty content with being our Robert the Bruce.

Jong no longer il

2011-12-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

The axis of evil lost one of it's most prominent spokes today, as insane dictator Kim Jong-il finally made good on his pledge to one day shuffle off of this mortal coil and make room for another Jong. He is widely believed to have gone to a better place, as most locales are considered far superior to North Korea.

The man known to his face as Beloved Leader was able to maintain one of the world's largest active military by providing them with one of North Korea's rarest commodities, food, or as it is known throughout the country, edible gold.

According to legend, Kim Jong-il was born on February 16, 1942, atop of north Korea's highest peak, Mount Paektu. A magic swallow announced his birth and was promptly executed. Also too, a new star appeared in the sky and there was a rare double rainbow even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

Aside from his enormous military, Kim Jong-il will be most remembered as being the only nuclear armed insane dictator that was totally unable to terrify anyone other than his own subjects.

The rare double rainbow reappeared today over Pyongyang in honor of the Beloved Leader's passing. He will not be missed.

Trump to make lemonade

2011-12-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

"...and like pretty much every other day, we have Donald Trump on the 'FOX and Friends' hotline ready to offer us his take on the events of the day."

"I think he's really starting to abuse our hotline, Gretchen. I know you told him a few months ago to call in anytime, but he really is starting to make this..."

"Who is that - Doocy? I don't want to hear Doocy shooting his mouth off when I appear on the show."

"Mister Trump, good morning. Nice to hear from you again. You were right, by the way, that was Doocy shooting his mouth off."

"Well, tell him to keep it shut when I do the show."

"Keep it shut when Mister Trump does the show, Doocy."

"He doesn't really do the show, Gretchen, he just has one of his apprentices call us up on the phone whenever he feels like it and we stick his picture up on the screen..."

"Steve! He's our guest!"

"Not really, Gretchen. A real guest doesn't show up anytime they choose just for the sake of cheap publicity."

"You know, it would be very easy for me to just start calling up Good Morning America, so I would advise you to silence Doocy with all due haste."

"I know you can, Mister Trump. I'm very sorry."

"That's all right, Gretchen, not all of us are fortunate enough to be able to hire and fire our own co-workers. The reason I'm calling in this morning is to promote my upcoming debate on the Ion network. There was a lot of speculation that I might cancel it just because a couple of the candidate are too cowardly to appear. I assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I'm making lemonade."

"They always say that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade."

"Who the hell said that? Was that Doocy?"

"No, Mister Trump, that was me, Brian Kilmeade."

"All right, Brian Kilmeade, I will assume you meant no harm with your remark, but I would suggest that you emulate Doocy in trying to maintain a respectful silence. Life does not give lemons to Donald Trump. I just thought that lemonade would be a nice change from the water served at most debates."

"It sounds like a very interesting affair, and I know that I'll be watching, but how do you feel about the candidates that refused to attend?"

"Very good question, Gretchen, but I don't want anyone to think that my support or lack thereof for a candidate is in any way dependent on their attendance. Obviously I would never support a nonentity like Huntsman or an insane person like Ron Paul, so I don't mind their absence at all. Now Michele Bachmann is a different story entirely. She sought out my counsel relentlessly and even said that if she won the nomination that she wanted me to be her vice president. I found the idea totally ludicrous."

"The idea that she might win?"

"That, and the idea that I would accept the second slot. That's pathetic. And speaking of pathetic, let's talk Rick Perry. The man is obviously a coward, and I think he proved that again at the ABC debate on Saturday."

"How so?"

"By refusing to accept Mitt Romney's $10,000 bet. Where's the courage of his convictions? If Perry thought he was in the right he should have taken that bet and raised it."

"Double down?"

"Exactly. I must say that did give me a new respect for Romney, though. I like the man. He's a really nice guy,. but his numbers have gone down very substantially since he said 'no', and a lot people think it's because it showed a lack of decisiveness or a lack of courage in going into this debate."

"Sealed his own fate."

"Exactly, Gretchen. But none of this makes any difference. Newt and I may just do a chat."

"And Rick Santorum. He gets a seat at the table, doesn't he?"

"He had the courage to RSVP and Donald Trump is a man who honors his commitments. So yes, he gets a seat, but that doesn't mean I'm inclined to let him speak."

"So, uh, just you and Newt. That sounds a little..."

"A little slow? Not on your life, Gretchen. Newt and I may be the only real candidates, but you should know that I understand how to put on a good show. Every significant candidate will be represented at my debate. For example, Rick Perry will be portrayed by the fine actor Josh Brolin."

"That's good casting."

"Thank you, Gretchen. You're an excellent host. Josh said that he wasn't all that familiar with Perry, but I told him not to worry and just play the same character as he did in 'W' and nobody will notice the difference. I've got Paul Reubens - you know, Pee Wee Herman - to play Ron Paul. I just hope he'll be wacky enough. For John Huntsman, we've got nothing. The man is a nonentity. And you'll love this, Greta. For Michele Bachmann we've got Marilyn Manson."

"Marilyn Manson?"

"Without make-up, they're almost identical. It's amazing."

"All right. What about Mitt Romney?"

"We just hired some model from the Land's End catalogue. Oh yes, one more big name. In the Herman Cain chair we've got Herman Cain. Hey, he RSVPed, what could I do? Plus, he didn't say he was ending his campaign, he just said he was suspending it."

"All right, sounds great. I'll be watching."

"You and about thirty million others, Gretchen."

High times in Des Moines

2011-12-08T12:17:00.001-08:00

"Hey! Hey! Don't be scared, Michele, it's not a real soldier, it's a cardboard soldier... I get your point, though. Sorry... If you're lookin' at it from the corner of your eye, it looks like a soldier that's been in some sort of horrible life-alterin' accident. I probably shoulda brought along a full soldier but the half ones are easier to cart around... Sorry for scarin' you but I like to kinda subtly point out that I support the troops. Hey, whatcha doin up here in Iowa?"

"That has to be about the dumbest question I've heard since Tim Pawlenty asked 'If not me, then whom?'"

"You think? I mean, I know that's supposed to be hurtful and all but it's not all that dumb. You and Santorum are the only ones who've been campaignin' up here on a regular basis. Up until now, anyway. I just got myself Prevost XLII."

"A Prevost XLII? That's one sweet bus. I should have gotten one of those back when my campaign could still afford it. You think the money is never going to stop pouring in..."

"But it does."

"It certainly does, and in the end all you're left with is a hundred thousand copies of a book you can't give away... Think you'll get out of the race after Iowa?"

"Nah... I gotta stay in at least to South Carolina. Might pick up a delegate or two. That's better than Giuliani did. And then... It's a long way till Texas, isn't it?"

"Mmm, Super Tuesday. March 6. I've only got until February 7th to get through Minnesota."

"Lucky girl. I figure you gotta stay in until you do your own state or you're gonna look wimpy."

"You would absolutely look wimpy... I sure an glad that I'm not from California."

"You know what's even worse than that? Utah. June 26th. Last in the nation."

"Hee hee... And they're proud of it... You know, Rick, it's not too late. Anything could still happen. I keep waiting for Newt to blow up. It's just a matter of time."

"Maybe it'll happen at the Trump debate."

"Oooh, that reminds me. I still haven't RSVPed to that, yet. If I keep stalling, Donald is going to start saying disparaging things about me. Are you going?"

"Hell, no. I may not be the smartest guy in the room, but I ain't dumb enough to go to that clown show. I said I was too busy, but I know Trump's gonna trash me anyway."

"Well, I don't know. It might be a good opportunity in some ways. I wonder what one wears to a Trump debate..."

"From what they tell me, Michele, the best thing to wear might be floppy shoes and a red rubber nose."

"I've got one of those I swiped from Herman Cain! Boy, he sure did make the rest of us look good, didn't he?"

"Yeah, it kinda makes you wonder who they're callin' the crazy candidate now."

"As long as it's not me, I don't care. Whoa, look at the time. I've got to go choke down another loose meat sandwich and kiss babies at Lucy's Skyline Cafe."

"Sounds better than the Chuck Grassley corndog meet and greet I've got planned. See ya on the road."

Booking Mitt

2011-12-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

"Chris? Chris Wallace? Hello, how are you today? This is Mitt Romney."

"How's everything, Governor? I was just telling my executive producer that I was expecting to hear from you sometime before the close of business."

"Oh, really? The truth is, I just decided to call you a couple of minutes ago. Spur of the moment. Totally spontaneous. I'm like that sometimes. Drives my staff crazy. So why did you think I was going to call you? Not that you were wrong, but why were you thinking I would just decide to call Chris Wallace?"

"Journalistic instinct. That and the fact that I happened to look at the calendar, and I couldn't help but notice that due to Christmas and New Year's there are only two more dates for FOX News Sunday before the Iowa caucus."

"Really? Let me check... I've got a calendar right here on my computer and... By gosh, you're right."

"Of course. I'm a journalist. Anyway, I thought that considering the most recent polls..."

"Polls? Which polls? I see an incredible amount of polls, Chris. I wonder if you could be more specific."

"No problem, Governor. To steal a line from Sarah Palin, 'all of them'. I thought in light of that you might be rethinking your policy of avoiding the Sunday shows."

"Hmmm... No, I haven't been thinking that, Chris, but now that you mention it, it might be an interesting idea. Let me just take a look... Hey, looks like you're in luck. I think that I could pencil you in for December 18th."

"I'm sorry, Governor, but I'm afraid that would be impossible. Like I said, the 18th will be our last show of the year..."

"Works for me. That way I don't need to worry about someone showing up the next week and upstaging me. Not that I would ever worry about such a thing."

"I know that you wouldn't, Governor, but the fact is, that since it is the last show before the Iowa caucus, we're going to want to feature the frontrunner."

"That could very well be me, Chris."

"No it couldn't, Governor. You can't possibly turn things around in one week."

"Begging your pardon, Chris, but according to my calendar that's eleven and a half days."

"Nevertheless, we confirm all our bookings on Wednesday morning. So, should I count on you for this Sunday?"

"You're pretty certain that the 18th is taken?"

"I'm certain it will be."

"Well... I guess, go ahead and pencil me in. I've been thinking of giving you guys at FOX another chance, anyway."

"That's very gracious of you, Governor. Now, you won't be pulling an attitude on me, will you?"

"An attitude?"

"You know, like you did with Bret Baier the last time FOX had you on the air. That was not a good appearance."

"Do you really think so? I was just showing him a little glimpse of my spontaneous side, and I suppose that it's possible he just doesn't get the Mitt Romney sense of humor."

"I suppose that perhaps he does not. All right, then, I'll see you Sunday. And remember - no spontaneity."

"It's against my true nature, but I'll try."

Merry Zappadan!

2011-12-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This article is about the Zapptist celebration during the opening of Zappadan.
The first (or 17th) day of Zappadan was originally known as Enttäuschung Nacht - German for 'bummer night' - but over the years it has been Americanized to the much simpler BummerNacht. This being the anniversary of Mister Zappa's death, the original meaning is rather obvious, and we shall not delve further into it here.

Far from being a day of mourning, however, it is a day of great joy, for Zapptists know that a mere seventeen days later, on December 21st (Zero Day), Frank Zappa was born.

Traditionally, children are not allowed to participate in the celebration of BummerNacht, although teenagers are winked at if they decide to 'run down to the library and not return until some ungodly hour of the night'. Celebrants are often seen cavorting to the exotic sound of the Mystery Horn while gorging on burnt weenie sandwiches and guzzling white port and lemon juice.

How could I have forgotten BummerNacht, one of the most prominent days of the glorious Festival of Zappadan? I couldn't, and I didn't, but even a couple of years ago it was obvious that the celebration would continue to thrive without the assistance of my cheerleading efforts, so this year I thought it was time for me to lean back and enjoy the festivities from the crowd. But I certainly can't let it pass without wishing a very Merry Zappadan to everyone who has been touched by the music, spirit, humor and unfettered free-thinking of the great Frank Zappa.

a little bit of teenage fervor

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MERRY ZAPPADAN!

bamboozled

2011-12-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

You heard me right, Michele. We are going to pass President Obama's payroll tax holiday. His extension of unemployment benefits too, probably, I dunno, maybe a few other odds and ends. But it has nothing to do with bowing to public pressure, nothing at all. Because Republicans are going to get their pound of flesh and more, I guarantee that.

What?

I said that, because of the incredible conservative policies that we will be able to advance in return, we are going to pass the...

No no no. No. I am trying to ascertain the exact composition of this pound of flesh of which you speak.

You have an odd way of expressing yourself, Michele. Has anyone ever told you that?

Yes. Chris Mathews told me that, and just look where he is now.

He was still on MSNBC last time I checked, Michele. Oh yes, and he's on top of the New York Times bestseller list. You've probably noticed him listed there while checking for your own name.

I am not going to check a liberal mainstream media bestseller list, John, but I'll have you know that my book is currently number 17 on the NewsMax top 20.

meanwhile, in an office nearby...

It's a different view of your world that you see on the screen before you at the moment, Young Eric, but one which I felt you were ready to witness.

Well, I certainly do enjoy any opportunity to pick up any inside info on Boehner. Are you using hidden cameras or what?

It's more complicated than that. I'm sure you're aware of C-SPAN and C-SPAN2. You might even be aware of the existence of C-SPAN3, although it is doubtful you know it's purpose. But what if I told you that there were many more C-SPANs, but that access to them was limited to a select few individuals? What you are watching at the moment is C-SPAN17, broadcasting live from the Speaker's office.

I'll admit that this is very cool, but what is the exact significance of what we're watching now?

Boehner just signaled that he is ready to compromise with Obama, but has effectively switched the focus to Bachmann's book sales. What you are witnessing is a classic diversionary tactic by the Speaker of the House, no different than one that might have been utilized by Nancy Pelosi. Or even me, Newt Gingrich. We all learn it during Speaker training, although truth be told, I'm sure I would have performed the maneuver with a defter touch.

I don't understand... When you say that Boehner talking about Bachman's book is a diversionary tactic, exactly what do you mean? And would it have it worked on anybody?

Not anyone, young Eric, but certainly any politician who has written a hopeful missive on their lives and leanings only to see it languish in the remaindered section at Big Lots. Much in the way that your own freshman effort 'Young Guns' has done.

Hey, that book did pretty good when it first came out. It almost hit the Amazon top 100.

You're making me sad, young Eric. As you well know, the first couple weeks of rankings reflect units shipped, not units sold. You're ranked number 91,307 this week, by the way.

You cruel and wicked old piece of human excrement. One of these days you're going to... Whoa! Wait a minute! What just happened?

I bamboozled you. Like I said, it's a trick that is learned by each and every Speaker of the House.

Will I become the Speaker and learn how to bamboozle?

I'm a charlatan, young Eric, not a soothsayer, but I can tell you this. If you can ensure that Republicans retain the House and I am elected president, your chances are most excellent. You must, however, first learn how not to be bamboozled by the current Speaker. Watch a bit more and learn.

Seriously, Michele. The NewsMax top 20 consists entirely of books they're giving away free with subscriptions. I happened to check Amazon and you're currently at number 5,015.

Those are hurtful words, John. You know full well that my book has only been out for two weeks.

Which is when the vast majority of books that might be sold are shipped. Your book is dead in the water, and so is your candidacy. You would have been much better off spending the past year attending to your committee assignments instead of gallivanting around. Now depart my office and we'll speak of this no more.

Wow, that's the exact same way that you bamboozled me!

Indeed it is, young Eric. Now watch this... Hey, Boehner, pick up the connection.

Newt? Hold on, let me turn on C-SPAN17... Oh for Christ's sake - you've got Cantor there with you?

Hey John, I was just listening in and I could have sworn that I heard you say something about compromising on the payroll tax holiday. What are you getting in return?

Aside from a little political maneuvering room? Not a whole hell of a lot. Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum, rolling back a couple environmental regulations on boilers, that sort of thing.

Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum? That's a chicken-shit deal, Boehner!

And I intend to turn chicken-shit into chicken salad. You know, I wouldn't expect to hear a term like chicken-shit from someone who can't even outsell an underachiever like Bachmann at Amazon.

That's not fair... My book has been out for a year and hers just came out two weeks ago.

Number 91,305. The shame. You know, you aren't even supposed to know about C-SPAN17. Show Cantor the door, Newt, and then I expect you to give me a full apology for including him.

See ya later, young Eric... Wow, did he ever scurry out of here in a hurry.

Man oh man, do I ever enjoy busting the chops of that sanctimonious little prick. Thanks for the assist, Newt.

My pleasure, John. And FYI, I don't really think he's going to be a serious threat to you for a while.

Mister Touchy

2011-12-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

We now join the Rachael Ray Show, already in progress

...and even if you've never done it before, it really is that easy to peel a banana. I know that a lot of you out there have always used the pre-peeled ones, but once you try one of these beauties straight out of the shell, you're going to become a convert.

I know that since you first introduced me to them, I can't get enough of them. I feel like snatching that one out of your hand even before you finish making your dessert, Rachael.

Down boy! Let's just get this over to our baking pan and brush it with butter... Seriously folks, if you've never been to a Rob Zombie show, sometimes he'll throw bananas right out into the audience!

Yeah, during 'Feed the Gods'. It's meant to be ironic as well as delicious.

And it is! Okay, now we're going to sprinkle a little brown sugar on, douse these babies with lemon juice, and roll them in coconut. Then we pop em in the oven, and in about fifteen minutes, we'll have fresh home-made Coconanners. While they're cooking, Rob, why don't you introduce our next guest?

Guess I need to find something to do while the Coconanners are cooking. Rachael's next guest is somebody who should need no introduction, since he's been around running for president since Justin Bieber was in grade school. Please welcome Mitt Romney.

Whoa! I thought for about half a second that I had just walked onto the stage of 'Midnight Special'.

Midnight Special?

You know, Rob. It was this concert show that used to be on TV back when we were kids... Okay, Governor Romney, welcome to the show. I've got to say, I was really surprised that you wanted to be on.

It's really not all that mysterious, Rachael. My handlers say I'm not doing enough television interviews, so I asked them to book me on a few of the non-confrontational shows like yours. I get really sick of having to deal with all the 'gotcha' questions every time I make an appearance, so this week I'm doing your show, 'Donna Decorates Dallas' on HGTV, and 'Pardon the Interruption' on ESPN... Uh, Mister Zombie, do you mind taking your sunglasses off while I'm here? I like to be able to see someone's eyes when I'm talking.

So you can tell if they're rolling them? You might want to pass on 'Pardon the Interruption', dude, those guys can get pretty confrontational. You're probably best off sticking with FOX News.

I'm sure that may be what the politically naive might think, but I went on 'Special Report with Bret Baier last night and they were gunning for me. One gotcha question after another.

Uh huh.

And my name is not 'dude', by the way. You may call me Governor Romney. So, Rachael, what do you have cooking today?

Coconanners! I saw a picture of you eating one at the Iowa State Fair, and thought it would be fun to treat you to a surprise.

No, I have to correct you on that. If it was phallic shaped and at the Iowa State Fair, I'm pretty sure that it must have been a corndog.

We could have made corndogs...

If I were to be totally honest, I would admit that I find corndogs rather unappetizing, so I guess I'll just take my chance with a coconanner. Never let it be said that Mitt Romney isn't game for a new experience.

I think you'll love them! They've got lemon and coconut and they're baked to...

Oh no, no. Coconut? I think I'll just pass on the coconanner. I really can't tolerate coconut.

Kinda makes a coconanner a moot point, doesn't it? What would you do if you were in China and President Jintao offered you one?

First of all, I wouldn't be in China unless they were to cease and desist manipulating their currency. Secondly, if such a situation were to occur I would simply say no thank you. There would be no apologies, either. And third, that is a gotcha question, and I warned the producer about that.

I'm so sorry, Governor Romney. But let me get back to what you said a moment ago about China. Don't all countries manipulate their currencies to some degree? Don't we?

Did you not just hear what I said about gotcha questions? One more and I'll be forced to take my leave. I thought this was supposed to be a cooking show, so why not ask me something related to that, like whether or not I like plain bananas? The answer is yes I do, very much. And I'd be glad to join you in your little snack if I can get a plain banana.

Oh gosh, Governor, I'm afraid we used them all up. But I tell you what - I made this yummy chocolate-raspberry mousse earlier today. Would you like to try some of that?

That's it. I'm out of here.

Gingrich Child Enablement Law Catches Fire

2011-11-22T13:09:00.000-08:00

Little Timmy has been called a lot of things in his short life, but an ingrate isn't one of them. That's why every time he fills up another crate of turnips, beans or pumpkinellos, he says thank you to the man he thinks of as Uncle Newt. Often, when the Master Picker is grumpy, Timmy says these words to himself, but on other happy days he dares to speak them right out loud.

You see, for Little Timmy picking isn't just a job, it's a shiny new nickel. And not just a nickel per day, mind you, a nickel for each crate of produce that he fills [Offer void on watermelons].

In truth, Little Timmy will never grow rich off his picking skills (not even when he graduates to Junior Picker Class C) and neither will his mother, although she no doubt appreciates the assistance that her little man provides. The important thing, however, is the experience that he's gaining. By the time other children his age are preparing to enter junior high, Little Timmy will already have something that they may never acquire - a career. And Newt Gingrich is the man who made that possible.

Newt had an idea. It was not a grand proposal like so many he had pitched in the past, no, it was a rather small idea in Newtonian terms, a plan that would have only helped a few children who were lucky enough to be impoverished in urban schools with unionized maintenance staffs. But from tiny acorns mighty oaks do grow, and the utility of Newt's idea grew like that mighty oak only a heck of a lot quicker. There are so many problems that little laborers can ameliorate!

Currently, Little Timmy is well on his way to replacing the sort of illegal migrant workers who like nothing better than to take the sort of jobs Americans don't want anymore because they have adopted the irrational belief that something better is bound to come along. Little Timmy does not share this illusion, because let's face it, he's already been picking for a long time, and has never participated in the educational system or had an opportunity to socialize with his peers (although these can hardly be called disadvantages to a lad fortunate to have Master Picker as his destiny!)

"Thank you, Uncle Newt," Little Timmy says upon filling his twelfth crate of pumpkinellos. He checks the position of the sun in the sky and smiles broadly, for he knows that it's time now for a smoke break.

assorted file footage

2011-11-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

January 21, 2013

2011-11-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG...

"Oh good lord... What time is it? Three o'clock in the morning... Can't the forty-fifth president of the United States get a little shut-eye around here? Hello."

"Hello. Am I speaking to Herman Cain?"

"That's President Herman Cain to you. And that is who you were calling, isn't it? What the hell do you want?"

"I would like to order two large pizzas, slathered in your manliest of meats."

"And I would like to get a good night's sleep. How'd you get this number? Obama give it to you?"

"Sorry. Just a little levity, Mister President. Good morning. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Prime Minister Shavkat Mirziyoyev of Uzbekistan."

"Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan? I don't even know what the hell that is."

"We are a small but proud landlocked republic in Central Asia."

"Well, bully for you. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Not a thing. I wonder if I could have a minute of your time."

"Yeah, I guess, since you already woke me up. I suppose that you're calling to congratulate me."

"Oh. Sure. Congratulations... I apologize for waking you. I did not think that you would be answering your own phone."

"I haven't had time to hire anyone to do it for me yet. Herman Cain personally hires everyone that works for him in order to maintain quality assurance."

"A wise policy, I'm sure."

"You bet it is. Now if you're all done congratulating me, I need to get back to sleep. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I'm interviewing candidates for White House chef."

"Please, one moment. I was wondering, do you think you would be able to locate Uzbekistan on a map?"

"I assure you that I would not. Can you?"

"Yes I can. But you would be unable to find it?"

"There would be no reason for me to do so. I will have experts surrounding me that can do that for me. As soon as I hire them."

"That's very good. Well, the reason I called was to tell you that at this very moment, the mighty Uzbekistan military is on the move."

"That's a good one, the mighty Uzbekistan military. It can't be all that mighty if I've never heard of it. You don't have a navy, do you? What with being landlocked and all."

"No, no navy, but we have quite a good air force which we are currently putting to punishing use."

"Oh, really? You attacking someone?"

"Indeed we are. It is our intent to conquer Kyrgyzstan to our east, and if all goes well we will push on into Tajikistan... Do you intend to oppose our mission?"

"As long as you're keeping it in the Whateverstans, I really do not care. The United States of America has bigger fish to fry."

"What fish would those be?"

"A little country you might have heard of called Iran. Not to mention an out of control tax code."

"Oh. Well, good luck with that."

"Luck should have nothing to do with it when you surround yourself with the right people."

"Which I assume you have."

"Not yet, but then I've only been president since about noon yesterday. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to catch a little shut-eye before my busy day tomorrow. Goodnight, Mister uh..."

"Shavkat Mirziyoyev. But don't worry about the name. I'll reintroduce myself if you ever make it to my country."

"I don't visit countries I can't pronounce, so there's not much chance of that. Goodnight."

no wonder Herman Cain is confused

2011-11-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's quite apparent that Wikipedia has been hacked
but not clear at all as to why...

(Uzbekistan page 11/16/11)

message from X

2011-11-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

Was that the voice of God? No, it was just the new CNN poll, confirming that Rick Perry is firmly ensconced in fourth place with 12% of the vote. Heaven knows it couldn't have been the new PPP poll that confirms that Rick Perry is firmly ensconced in fourth place with 6% of the vote. That's only half of 12 and 12 is not even half of what it would take to salvage Anita Perry's dream of one day redecorating the Blue Room. God must be messing with old Rick again. He's like that, you know.

The Rick Perry super PAC 'Make Us Great Again' is out with an exciting new radio ad featuring endorsements from two great religious figures - James Dobson, founder of the fundamentalist 'Focus on the Family', and Rush Limbaugh, demi-god of right-wing talk radio. Never mind what they specifically say, you can sum up those sugar plums in your imagination and fret not a whit about getting it wrong.

Which provides a perfect segue for me to call your attention to a striking piece by Thomas B. Edsall in the Atlantic titled 'Is God Really Telling Rick Perry to Run for President?' What makes it striking is the willingness to assume that Perry is correct in his assertion of celestial supervision, but is tragically inept when it comes to divine interpretation. It makes sense that a man who has trouble with conversational English is also going to have a fair amount of difficulty with Hebrew.

If you're the type to look for transcendental explanations for earthly events, it would be easy to imagine that God has been messaging his thumbs off trying to reach Perry. For example, take a look at this astonishing map.

Can you find Texas on the map? (Hint - it's the part that looks like it's been burnt to a cinder, which is pretty much what happened while Perry prayed for career advice). The regional drought had already been so devastating that Perry issued a gubernatorial proclamation that April 22-24 would officially be 'Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas'. No dice, no rain, and no relief from the record heat and fires that followed for the next four months.

The plague of drought can be brutal and deeply injurious, and the plague of fire consumes both the innocent and the guilty without discretion, but I gotta tell you, the plague of the Nylanderia pubens can push even a patient man to the edge of sanity.

Hordes of Nylanderia pubens (AKA 'Caribbean crazy ants' AKA 'hairy crazy ants') have invaded Texas in unspeakable numbers. They have transformed a state that had become a hellhole into a hellhole swarming with flea sized demons who like nothing better than to bite a Texan where it hurts (which is everywhere). And they're practically indestructible - poison 100,000 and millions take their place, electrocute them and they send in a chemical cue for the others to attack. In short, they can and will ruin your picnic if you happen to be the sort to go for a basket lunch on a 112 degree day.

There are other plagues, of course, such as the plague of the clouded mind and the plague of the plunging polls, but these are Rick Perry specific and thus should be of little concern to the rest of us. So is God really telling Perry to run?

"The man's conceit is ludicrous," said a spokesman for the Deity. "Of course, a lot of those clowns are saying the same thing, but let me tell you something - He believes that anyone who feels that they need to ask His permission to seek political office don't really belong in the race to begin with. Who is Perry listening to? I don't know, but if I were you, the first person I'd check with is His evil arch-enemy."

"Rick Perry? I know the name," responds Beelzebub with a diabolical chuckle. "But have I been talking to him? Forget about it, the man won't listen to anyone. And you know, I've been super busy in the Middle East over the past year, so American politics has barely been on my radar. To tell the truth, Rick Perry doesn't really need my help to get in over his head. But hey, thanks for that tip on the Nylanderia pubens. Not my idea, but they sound like just the thing to aid and abet human suffering. As far as the drought, maybe that's just nature's way to tell Rick Perry to get off his ass and consider climate change. As far as the fire and heat go, well, that's my bad. I farted. Sorry... If you really want to know who's giving Perry bad advice, take a look at his wife. She's the one who hears voices."

the forum they deserved

2011-11-13T10:29:00.000-08:00

So Republican Debate IX (possibly even X or XI) which took place last night was the first one intended for the general public insofar as it was the first one to be broadcast on the public airwaves. (No, the C-Span debate doesn't count). It was carried on the 'Tiffany Network', a fact that probably made Newt Gingrich feel a little giddy and everyone else apprehensive. CBS doesn't really have what you would call a strong commitment to news and political programming. What they have instead is '60 Minutes', which gives them a week's worth of gravitas in a single convenient serving.

Just how unserious is CBS? They did actually schedule a debate, which is something that 'serious' networks do. They even gave it an important sounding moniker - 'The Commander-in-Chief Debate', although it would be hard to imagine anyone on the stage as Commander-in-Chief material without the benefit of some really potent mushrooms. They even had Scott Pelley (from 60 Minutes!) as one of the moderators and put the focus on foreign policy, which is a topic that most of the candidates have avoided like the plague.

And, uh, they interrupted the debate about halfway through. Now supposedly local affiliates had the option to run the whole debate, although CBS 'forgot' to make that possible. But never fear, you could watch it streaming live on their website. Which, of course, crashed. Now, it is technically possible for a network to delay the broadcast of 'your regularly scheduled program', which is something CBS does nearly every Sunday during football season. But really, that's not a very reasonable request, seeing that at 9:00 they were running a very special episode of 'NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service'. Which is not even regularly scheduled in that time slot, except for last night, because CBS figured that airing half of a debate beforehand would undoubtedly lead to some really boffo ratings. Great job, fellas! I think you've got your next episode of '60 Minutes' already in the can.

oops

2011-11-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

Perry: "...and I tell you, it's three agencies when I get there that are gone... Commerce, education, and the, uh, what's the third one... let's see, uh, commerce..."

Paul: "You had five."

Perry: "Five? Thank you, Ron, I appreciate that, but I'm pretty sure that that I was only thinkin of three... there's the department of commerce, the department of education, commerce and uh, the..."

Paul: "The EPA?"

Perry: "The EPA. There you go, the department of EPA."

Moderator: "Seriously? The EPA is the agency you were thinking about?"

Perry: "No sir, it's not. The EPA needs to be reformed from the ground up, but it doesn't need to get gone. The EPA is somethin Ron Paul wants to get rid of, not me. You see the way he was lookin at me? He just popped that idea right into my head."

Moderator: "But you can't name a third one?"

Perry: "The third agency of government I would do away with, there's commerce, uh, the, uh, education...

Moderator: "You've mentioned those previously."

Perry: "And uh, let's see, I can't, the third one..."

Paul: "I'm pretty sure he wants to get rid of the EPA..."

Bachmann: "No he doesn't, Ron Paul, you're putting words into his mouth. I sure hope he doesn't want to get rid of the Defense Department, because I believe in a strong defense."

Moderator: "That's all well and good, Congresswoman Bachmann, but that question was intended for Governor Perry, not for you."

Bachmann: "But I'm not getting any questions."

Moderator: "And with that sort of attitude, you won't be getting any either. Governor Perry, we are waiting for your response."

Perry: "The three agencies are the Commerce Department, which is a row I've already plowed, and of course the Department of Education, that's gone, and uh, is my time up? I'm pretty sure my time is up by now."

Moderator: "As moderator, I can grant you sufficient time to answer the question. Now do it."

Perry: "I can't. Sorry."

Moderator: "You can't answer the question?"

Perry: "Well, I can answer that one. No... I got brain freeze."

Moderator: "Pathetic. Very well then, the next question is for Herman Cain. Mister Cain, assuming you are not the party's nominee - which I believe to be a logical assumption - would you ever be able to throw your support to a man who gets brain freeze?"

Cain: "First of all, I take offense at your premise. And secondly, the answer is no, I could not support a candidate that gets brain freeze. Herman Cain does not get brain freeze."

Moderator: Same question to you, Congresswoman Bachmann. Could you support such a candidate?"

Bachmann: "I think we need to consider..."

Perry: "Hold on just a doggone second. You seem to be tryin to turn this debate into a pick on Rick Perry session.

Moderator: "A pick on Rick Perry session? The question was intended for Congresswoman Bachmann. So now on top of being a man who gets brain freeze, you are also being rude."

Romney: "I detect a little paranoia as well."

Perry: "Shoot, maybe I should have stuck with my decision to bow out of the rest of the debates."

Moderator: Perhaps you should have. Add flip-flopper to that list of your inadequacies. Turning now to the question of Medicare funding...

Find the Socialist

2011-11-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's a lonely journey being the first Socialist president of the United States, but Barack Obama can take a certain amount of comfort in the fact that the path he's blazed may now be taken by at least one of his Republican opponents. That's the shocking news revealed today by Michele Bachman during a speech at the right-wing Family Research Council.

"I will work to eradicate socialism across the United States government," Bachmann told members of the fundamentalist lobbying group. "So many Republicans aspire to be frugal socialists. We can’t preserve liberty if the choice a year from now is between an socialist and a frugal socialist."

Unfortunately for journalists, who would prefer for her to just do all their hard work for them, Bachmann declined to single out these Socialists by name. That would be far too easy. Certainly much easier than explaining what the hell a frugal socialist is in the first place.

"Well, you see, that's part of the puzzle that you figure out," she told a reporter who foolishly asked her to name names. "Perhaps you find it odd that I would present you with a puzzle, but believe me, there's a method to my madness. My coyness will cause you to give me days and days of coverage."

Sadly it would not. Just then a pretty blonde woman appeared on TV claiming that Herman Cain had offered her a spare job stimulus that he happened to have in his pants, causing the reporters to depart en masse, leaving Bachmann alone with little hope for anything more than a wag of the finger from Stephen Colbert.

Paid for by the 'Friends of Herman Cain™'.

2011-11-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Patriots,

I am writing to say thank you, America, thank you very much. With your help, I'm pleased to announce that Monday marked the most successful 24 hour period in the Herman Cain campaign's fundraising history. The good people of this great country apparently do not care to watch a man they greatly admire and respect be subjugated to the high-tech lynching techniques of the modern mainstream media, and they have voiced their feelings in the most powerful way possible - through the act of making generous donations to my pact, the 'Friends of Herman Cain™'.

Did you ever hear about the time I stirred a gin and tonic with my love muscle for a pretty young subordinate? No? Let's get real - That's because it never happened. You're never going to hear it either, at least not from me. And if you do hear it from anybody else, it'll be one of those made up stories. That's the sort of vile innuendo the liberal pundits fighting to protect the status quo spread when they want to tear you down. Are liberals more racist that conservatives? I have no direct evidence of that, it is just an observation that I have made. You be the judge.

The fact is there are factions that are trying to destroy me personally, as well as destroy this campaign and this journey to the White House, and I'm not speaking of the mainstream media this time. Those of you who have read my book 'This Is Herman Cain!' will recall that it concludes with these exciting words - "I’m the president of the United States of America!" Sadly, there are those who would like to make a liar out of me. Who are these people? Take a look around the stage next Tuesday at the Republican debate in Minnesota and I suspect that you will find a number of answers.

But of these suspects, is there anyone - perhaps someone who has raised more money than me - who would attempt to undermine a fellow conservative through the use of dirty tricks? I truly do not know the answer, although my research reveals that at least one candidate has employed such tactics in the past. If I were playing detective I would take a closer look at anyone who frequents a hunting camp with a racially inflammatory name. However, I am not playing detective, and I have no direct evidence of that. It is just an observation that I have made.

One thing that I do have evidence of is the fact that America is ready for bold new leadership and exciting, innovative new ideas like my 9-9-9 plan, which will increase the purchasing power of every American, irregardless of what the naysayers may tell you. You might just want to send a donation to 'Friends of Herman Cane™' right now. In return, I will not send you the titillating new eBook 'The Complete Illustrated Guide to the Hermanator's Id'. I will not send that to you because it does not exist. I guarantee 100% that this eBook will not be coming your way. And that's a good thing too, because the children might see it. Who knows what it might contain? Certainly I do not - and that's why I won't send it to you. That, and the fact that it is imaginary.

So get on board the Cain Train today with your donation to 'Friends of Herman Cain™'. I may be number one in the polls today, but with your help, I can rise even higher.

The Cain Scrutiny

2011-10-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

Herman Cain vigorously pushed back today against allegations that he had sexually harassed at least two female employees while serving as the head of the National Restaurant Association, claiming the accusations were both "totally baseless and totally false". As for the further allegations that the women signed payoff agreements with the NRA in exchange for leaving their jobs and speaking of the matter no further, he was less definitive, but was certain that he knew nothing about a settlement and if there had been one, "it was handled by some of the other officers at the restaurant organization," most likely the Chief Payoff Officer.

Knowing the ways of the world as well as the contents of his conscience, Cain was keenly aware that other allegations may arise, but if they do, "I assure you people will simply make them up," because the whole thing is a 'witch hunt' and someone wants to put a 'cloud' over his campaign. All bases covered? Check.

But just who or what sinister force is trying to hang this cloud of false charges over the Hermanator's shiny dome? Could it be the Obama administration?

"No, it's not Obama," Cane says flatly. "The man is too fixated on Romney to attack me, and he just loves the sight of me really bringing the heat to old Mitt. That's his folly. By the time Obama realizes what a threat I was, it'll be way too late for him."

Well then perhaps it's the man who's having the heat brought to him, old Mitt himself.

"No, I thought about that," Cane replies dismissively, "but Willard himself has a need to see me succeed, at least until his dreaded nemesis Rick Perry is no longer a contender. I believe that Romney sees me as the only man capable of sending Perry to the showers. After that, though, all bets are off."

Then Karl Rove would seem to be a likely perpetrator, since he was the first person to pounce on the news of Cain's misfortunes and call on him to come clean.

"Do you think that I was born yesterday?" Cain asks impatiently. "It's not Rove. I am a keen observer of the human psyche, and I can tell you this much with certainty - Rove is just a remnant of the old Republican establishment who's bitter because he doesn't have anyone kowtowing to him this time around. I mean, he may not like me, but he ain't going to like anyone who doesn't like him back. That's a fact."

Uh, Donald Trump? He did tell FOX News that perhaps you "settled just because you didn’t want to go through the legal fees or you didn’t want to spend a lot of money

"I think you're a little closer, but still no cigar," Cain chuckles. "It's true that Trump went and interjected himself into my business today, which I do not appreciate in the slightest. Let me tell you something, Donald Trump, Herman Cane is not the sort of man to watch his wallet when it comes to protecting his good reputation. But I think the truth of the matter is that Trump is just a self-important blowhard who doesn't like to see anyone like me stealing his spotlight."

"Ooh, ooh, I think I know," interjected Michele Bachmann. "It's Rick Perry, isn't it? That's his modus operandi. I thought he was only playing dirty tricks on me, but I guess he's branching out. You know Rick Perry was behind that letter from the Tea Party telling me to drop out of the race. I don't have any evidence, per se, but people have told me that's what happened. You should talk to people. They might tell you something too. And then last week Rick Perry stole my tax plan and I..."

"Calm down, Michele," Cain replied brusquely. "You don't even have a tax plan. And the fact is, I talk to people all the time and they haven't told me anything yet. It's very frustrating. I know the media is giving the issue of my non-existent harassment the full headline treatment, but who put them onto me is a question I've yet to be able to answer. I'm a very open individual, so it could be anyone. It could even be me. I wouldn't put myself beyond myself. But whoever it is, I'm giving this my full scrutiny and I won't rest until I'm either fully vindicated or another story comes along to take it's place."

oh why not

2011-10-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Heaven knows, the GOP herd of presidential aspirants are a sorry lot, all deeply flawed in their own distinctive ways, but they do share one thing in common. None of them are as recklessly demented as Pastor Terry Jones, head of the fifty member Dove Outreach Center. And so it makes sense that, seeing an ideological void that only a Koran incinerating cretin on a mission from God could fill, Jones on Thursday announced that he would make his own bid for president of the United States.

And you thought there were no more surprises left for the presidential field! Aside from his aborted but attention grabbing creation of 'Burn a Koran Day' and the wildly successful 'Judge a Koran Day', Jones and Dove Outreach also sponsored 'No Homo Mayor' week in Gainesville, which ultimately failed to achieve it's goal but nevertheless left no doubt as to the sexual orientation of the city's new chief officer.

Presumably, Jones would run as an Independent, because time is short and he's just a little bit too far to the right for even today's Republican party. Surprisingly, the press release for his 'platform' contains absolutely no mention of radical Islam, although to be fair it does include a picture of Jones holding his best selling book 'Islam is of the Devil' while seemingly floating in the clouds and putting on his best angry and vengeful God face.

His action plan contains seven bullet points, which is quite an ambitious stretch for a platform that contain only three actual points. Point one, 'Stop overspending immediately' is a little generic, necessitating point two - 'balance the budget'; point three, 'reduce military spending', and point seven - 'reduce bureaucracy'. He would realize these goals via the time tested method of reducing corporate taxes, or as he likes to call it, point six.

Now that's still two good points, fully twice the number of many campaigns, but Jones doesn't stop with just these. There's point four, 'deport all illegals' followed by point five, 'also saving us 400 billion dollars per year'. I suppose I could note that number five is more of a subordinate clause than an actual point, but I don't want to get into nitpicking. The important thing is that "this would be an operation similar to what Eisenhower did to provide jobs for the soldiers who were coming home after the war," a fact first noted in Jones' best selling book 'The Secret Life of the 34th President'.

None of the other candidates have yet to comment on Jones' presidential aspirations, not even Mitt 'the more the merrier' Romney, who usually is quick to applaud the efforts of anyone who might dilute the support of his more conservative rivals.

"I'm a little surprised that I haven't even been glad-handed by Romney," muses Jones. "It kind of makes me feel like I'm being ignored, and when I feel ignored I'm liable to do just about any crazy ass thing to get attention, so he shouldn't be surprised if I announce a 'Book of Mormon' burning before too long."

Cantor 2.0

2011-10-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

"Oh my... This truly is as dreadful as McCarthy told me it was... I think I may be watching one of the signs of the Apocalypse..."

"What's up, John? I heard you were looking for me... Hey, that's my new video you're watching - 'Snapshot of the Leader'. Pretty good stuff, eh?"

"My mind is boggled. It's so... gentle. And reasonable."

"The music's pretty hot, too. That's my neighbor Ellis on guitar, along with a couple other guys he plays with. Sounds kind of like Neil Young. And of course that's me on lead vocals."

"Yes, I guess it was. A little hard to tell, though. I didn't hear any anxiety or stress..."

"Yeah, Xanax makes quite the difference. I don't even feel like speaking derisively to you."

"I know. That's the first time you've used my first name in months. Listen, Young Eric, I've been a little worried about you lately. You've been unusually low-key, you cancelled that speech at Wharton because protestors might be there..."

"They would have been there, John. I just didn't feel like being confrontational."

"...and then I read this piece in Politico about how you're trying to create the image of a kinder, gentler Eric Cantor..."

"Their words, not mine. But I'm cool with it."

"You're not really going to have the '60 Minutes' crew over to your house for Thanksgiving, are you?"

"You bet I am. Oh, I'll admit that it won't be easy, but I'll just pop a couple bars and give it my best. That Leslie Stahl really sticks in my craw, but I'm sure she's well-intentioned. I guess I'll probably ruin my family's holiday though, which is a little sad."

"And you're doing this why?"

"Well, it's not like I have to worry about reelection, but I need to think about my future. I'm still a young guy, and I'd like to believe that my horizons would be unlimited if I could just get rid of my reputation as a..."

"Sanctimonious little prick?"

"Bingo, John. You know, I really do enjoy being a sanctimonious little prick, but I see it as limiting my future."

"You know, Young Eric, a leopard can't change it's spots."

"That's because a leopard doesn't have Xanax. I want bigger things, John, and if living in a state of artificially induced calm and reasonableness is the price I have to pay, so be it."

"I know that you'd like my job..."

"I wouldn't mind it if it fell into my lap, but you know, I'd have to project a persona that people can tolerate being around to ever have that chance. And I will, through the grace of God and the help of my little blue friends."

"They really help, do they?"

"You be they do. I mean, they can't change who I really am inside, but they can help me ignore it... I know it's way too early to think about 2016, but I've always had this dream of becoming the first Jewish president."

"Uh, you're not overdoing it with those pills are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying that sounds a little grandiose to me. Running for president is..."

"What the hell do you know, old man? You don't have the imagination God gave a piece of grave, Boehner, and Speaker is the highest position you'll ever see."

"I think of it as a lofty achievement."

"You would wouldn't you, old man? You really turn my stomach. You haven't accomplished a thing as Speaker and you're going to go down. The young guns are coming through, so get out of the way. I'll take your job, old man, I'll take your job."

"Whew, that's a relief. For a minute there, I thought that you might have lost your mojo."

Introducing the iBoard

2011-10-24T14:57:00.001-07:00

Human Unopede Karl Rove took to the airwaves today at FOX News in his new dual role as both a technology and political commentator.

"None of the current Republican candidates have shown any interest in my advice thus far," Rove explained to Megyn Kelly. "Mister Ailes told me that if I wanted to keep my paycheck, I better jump in here and try to prove my worth."

"Don't worry, Karl, he said the same thing to Sarah Palin," Kelly reassured him. "I have a feeling that when the primaries heat up next year, your phone will be ringing off the hook."

"Maybe, Megyn, but I might just decide to remain aloof this go-round and wait until Jeb runs in 2016."

"Do you know something? Is this an exclusive?"

"I'm afraid not, Megyn. But you know, that has been the plan all along. And to help make that possible, I feel like the best utilization of my talents would be for me to come on the air and trash all of the candidates. They're a pretty sorry lot, aren't they?"

"They sure are, Karl. Of course no one else here can come out and say that. You know, because of business."

"I understand completely, Megyn. And when you bring on a moderate to trash them, your viewers just say 'What do you expect, the guys a friggin liberal."

"Careful, Karl, we might need to bleep that out. But I do agree, you're the right man to badmouth these losers. So what do you have to show me today? It looks like a miniature whiteboard."

"It's better than that, Megyn. It's the new Apple iBoard, set to hit the market in March.I've got the prototype with me today... Steve Jobs was a friggin genius. "

"Careful, Karl... How's it work?"

"Well, keep in mind that this is a prototype. The production model will work through nerve impulses from your fingertips. But for this one, I've got a Bluetooth transmitter stuck up my ass..."

"Careful, Karl... Isn't that uncomfortable?"

"Not really, Megyn, it's kind of like your iPod earbuds. Of course, you only need one..."

"Well, that makes sense. Can you give me a demonstration?"

"I'd be glad to, Megyn. Okay, I just close my eyes, concentrate, and squeeze my buttocks together really hard. Uhhhnn."

"Wow, it just filled up with talking points. Abortion, right of return, NeoConservative, Afghan policy... I'm sure that these seemingly unrelated words and phrases must mean something to you, don't they, Karl?"

"They sure do, Megyn. You see, I was concentrating on the many flaws of Herman Cain, and there it is. Cain's complete cluelessness on abortion - I mean you can't even dignify it by calling it flip-flopping - which demonstrates that he's been caught totally by surprise by his own campaign. Then there's his response on the right of return for Palestinian refugees which would indicate to me that he's never considered the..."

"That's all well and good, Karl, but you're here today as our technology commentator. You know, Glenn Beck would pay a fortune for one of these. Now just how do you refresh the new Apple iBoard?"

"No need, Megyn. You just flip it over, and voila, you've got a new blank side to work with."

"Can you demonstrate?"

"Well, it's just like the first time, but... Uhhhnn... Uhhhnn... Whew... There you go, Megyn, six more talking points."

"Fantastic. But let's just suppose that you had eighteen talking points."

"That's not even a possibility, Megyn. I've learned enough about television to know that even six talking points is more that you're ever going to use."

"That's true, but what if I told you that I wanted to talk about Jon Huntsman?"

"TI wouldn't believe you, Megyn. You know we'd never talk about Huntsman."

"You don't know how to refresh the iBoard, do you, Karl?"

"Of course I do, Megyn."

"Well, do it. This is live television."

"Let me clarify.. I know how to refresh the iBoard, but it requires a move that I haven't yet physically mastered."

"Oh... Okay then. You'll just have to work on that. Great segment, and promising product. Karl Rove will be joining us once again tomorrow. Maybe we'll discuss Rick Santorum."

"Great, Megyn, but do I have to bring the iBoard again?"

"You'll have to ask Mister Ailes, but I'm pretty sure you will."

Romney lobs it back

2011-10-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

It looks as though Rick Perry's attack on Mitt Romney's illegal lawn maintenance may be backfiring, leaving the Texas governor vulnerable to charges of rank hypocrisy. Not that double standards should in any way prove to be a problem in the GOP race for the presidential nomination, but still, as a new campaign ad for the Romney campaign points out, "it's tacky".

The sixty second ad features footage taken from a security camera outside of a Dallas Holiday Inn where according to the voice over "Rick Perry had repeated stays, even though it was widely known that they employed illegal immigrants."

"Mitt Romney didn't even know who was mowing his lawn, because it was happening outside his door," intones the narrator. "Rick Perry has no such excuse. Illegal aliens carried his bags and opened the door for him. Illegal aliens brought his room service meals under the cover of darkness. They may have even made his bed." The ad closes with a shot of an attractive young Hispanic maid in a short skirt winking at the camera.

"The Romney ad is beyond the pale," fumed Perry. "How am I supposed to know the status of all the workers at the Holiday Inn? Is that his point? I reckon so... Texas has seven million Hispanics and, uh, if Mitt's just trying to prove that I'm being a little bit hypocritical, then I guess I'd say this is a pretty effective ad... I'm gonna get you for this, Harvard boy."

a few words before I go

2011-10-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

You know, you never really know what to expect from death - or as I like to call it, life. Because if I am not alive right now, it makes this communiqué downright creepy. Nevertheless, creepy seems an appropriate description for my current situation, wherein I find myself to be drifting in a golden space filled with dazzling bursts of light. I am relatively certain that someone slipped the taxi of Al Jadeeda into my Nescafe, for such is the way of the Libyan people.

The truth is, it is hard to find good bodyguards in the midst of a revolution. I had men who swore they would die for me, a fact which you might think I would convey with pride. But I don't, because in the end all you're left with is a lot of dead bodyguards and an angry mob that doesn't care whether you live or die. Allow me to restate that. They most certainly did care whether I lived or died, and they opted for the latter. 'Have pity, do not hit me' I pleaded, but they turned a deaf ear to me. I must admit, I was as proud of my people as the father of a newborn.

There is one clarification on the circumstances of my demise which I feel I must offer, lest the legend of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya be sullied by misinformation. I was not hiding in a drainage pipe. True, I was pulled out of a drainage pipe, but I had stumbled into that quite by accident. I had been heading to my bunker and I must have made a wrong turn or something, I don't know, all I remember is realizing that I was in the wrong place and the next moment some rebel is shouting 'the dictator is hiding in the drainage pipe'. I realized that he was talking about me and tried to explain my mistake, but one thing led to another and then the next thing I knew I was dead.

Still, I've got to say that I came out no worse for the wear. I said that I would stay in Libya and die as a martyr, and once again, I have proven true to my word. I know that I will live on in the hearts of the Libyan people, although at the moment, these lights are making me dizzy, and the love of the people doesn't seem like that much consolation.

your weekly Hitler fix

2011-10-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

White House press secretary Jay Carney today vehemently denied GOP allegations that President Obama is a war-mongering-terrorist-killing-machine, insisting that their recent Jihadi body count was simply 'the luck of the draw'. The accusations garnered new strength after a predator strike on Friday that killed three highly placed members of the Egyptian Islamic Haqqani Network, an event now considered so commonplace that it received less news coverage than Michele Bachmann's claim that Rick Perry stole her jobs plan.

"He's spiking the ball in the end zone at this point," fumed House Majority leader Eric Cantor. "All the best terrorists are dead at this point, so what is the president doing instead of creating jobs? He's killing the son of the 'Blind Sheikh'. That's pretty sorry. It's as though Obama is making a deliberate attempt to take away our 'soft on terror' offense, just so he can be reelected. But the American people know that the only body count that matters is the one on the unemployment line. Not that the Republican Party has any plan for dealing with that, but still."

"The Blind Sheikh's son?" echoed increasingly irrelevant radio demagogue Rush Limbaugh. "Ahmed Abdel Rahman, that's what's passing as a terrorist these days? If his father was blind, is it not reasonable to suppose that he was too, and if so, isn't his targeting in fact an act of cowardice? I mean, how hard is it to target a blind guy. If Obama had any real guts, perhaps he'd target a real threat, like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."

Carney made a point of noting that Limbaugh's remarks were "full of vim and vinegar, a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." He then thrust a short sword into his fragile breast, and breathed no more. Except to say. "Hey, kiss my ass, Rush. I mean, really. You think we're not all over that? We're all over that. Check this out. Yeah, that's right, it's a picture of President Obama, or as I call him, sir... but it has a Hitler mustache drawn on it... And the thing that's got to draw your attention is the fact that he really doesn't bear even a minimal resemblance to Hitler."

"On the other hand, just take a gander at this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad character. Wow, I sure hope we don't have to go to war with him, thus by creating a scenario wherein we reinvigorate the economy and provide a good reason for not changing horses in the middle of a stream... we understand that lesson all too well, although don't expect me to quote chapter and verse. Did I just say anything? Anyway, just in closing, Ahmadinejad doesn't even need a Hitler mustache - he's got a full Hitler beard..."

that didn't help

2011-10-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

It's a very simple rule of politics that even 'rogue' players like Sarah Palin understand: unless your spouse is Bill Clinton, it's probably best to leave them at home. You know that there's an Ann Romney, but you don't really see her on the trail. Michele Bachmann's husband has come in for his share of controversy, but he rarely wanders in front of a camera. Ron Paul and Herman Cain - hell, I don't even know if they have a significant other.

And then there's Anita Perry, full in public, fiercely defending her husband from the ravages of what has thus far been a fairly low-key political competition. Unlike Bachmann, God doesn't speak to Rick Perry, but he's got the next best thing - a wife with a divine hotline. God "was already speaking to me [in 2010] but Rick didn't want to hear it," she said about her revelation. "He needed to see the burning bush." We can surmise that Governor Perry finally got that opportunity during the ten weeks of over 100 degree weather that plagued his neighborhood.

But it's tough, very tough. Yesterday in North Carolina, a tearful Anita threw caution to the wind, and finally said aloud the words that Rick was too self-effacing to speak himself.

"It’s been a rough month." (You know, Sinatra said it best - That's life, that's what all the people say, riding high in August, shot down Columbus day.) "We have been brutalized and beaten up and chewed up in the press to where I need this today." (It's not clear exactly what she needed, but I like to imagine that the good people of Greenville gave her a nice bottle of Jägermeister). "We are being brutalized by our opponents, and our own party." (Seriously. Think about that. Their own party, during a presidential primary race. I think it's fair to say that both Rick and Anita have developed a keener appreciation of what Jesus must have felt at the Garden of Gethsemane.) "So much of that is, I think they look at him, because of his faith." (Which, I must admit, is quite enormous. Really, it would make you gasp.) "He is the only true conservative" (Was that too bold? Lord please forgive me for my foolish pride) - "well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too." (Of course, those people are totally confused, either that or God has developed a bit of a loose tongue as of late). "But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose." (So back off poseurs, and make way for the anointed one and his main lady).

"Ah, women. Can't live with em, can't live without em," Perry said today, attempting to play down his wife's remarks. "Seriously, Anita sees and hears a lot of things that I don't, so if she says she sees us bein' brutalized, I'll take her word for it, and not make a big point of sayin they've got medications for that sort of thing. It's alright, though, and I'm just goin to continue to plod my way towards victory, unless, of course, God tells Anita that I should do somethin else."

picking on the girl

2011-10-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

I would say that 9-9-9 isn't a jobs plan, it's a tax plan. And from my experience in Congress and also as a federal tax lawyer, the last thing that you would do is give Congress another revenue stream. This would give Congress a sales tax, and a sales tax can lead to a value added tax. One thing that I would say is that when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down, the devil's in the details.

Why the hell would you want to turn my 9-9-9 plan upside down?

Oh my goodness, of course you wouldn't want to. Not even if it resulted in lower tax rates. That would be a plan for disaster.

My 9-9-9 plan is a plan for victory, not disaster. You don't even have a plan, Bachmann.

Well, not in so many words, no...

If I might venture a guess, Michele, would you perhaps turn Herman's plan upside down if you were trying to hasten the arrival of the Rapture?

I really don't think it's appropriate to discuss Christian theology with a moron.

Governor Romney and I are Mormons, Michele. You're the moron.

Oh my God. You too, Jon?

I've heard a lot of dumb statements during these debates, and God knows I've made my share of them, but I've got to tell you, Michele, that's the most ponderous thing I've heard yet.

Rick! You know how important numerology is in our religion...

Boy... And they call Mormons a cult.

As much as I'm enjoying our little conversation, I would suggest that it's unseemly for us all to gang up on one participant. Unless it's Mitt.

Thank you, Newt.

I just hope the American people don't judge us by the idiocy of one person.

It was a joke, okay? I had my briefing papers upside down and thought that would make a funny joke.

A joke? I don't get it...

Could we just get back to our discussion on the roll of the Federal Reserve in a reform economy?

Are you all right, Congresswoman Bachmann? Or does monetary policy freak you out as well?

Rudy strikes out

2011-10-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

"OWWWWW! My balls! Ahrooo! Oh, Jesus, that's a pain that's going to linger."

"Mr Giuliani, are you okay?"

"Could be better, little Suzie. Do you know if we have any scotch in the first aid kit?"

"I don't think so... Neosporin... Band-aids... Heart defibrillator... Aspirin... No, no scotch. I'm sorry, Mr Giuliani, I threw the ball pretty slowly... I was trying to hit your bat, just like you said."

"Well, you hit my bat, alright. Struck it right out."

"I'm sorry... But it's only a wiffle ball..."

"I know, but it still stung like a sonofabitch... I guess it's about time that I finally hung up my dream of playing third base with the New York Yankees."

"I don't know what to say."

"There's not a lot that you can say. It's tough to watch a dream die. Believe me, I know that better than anyone. Four years ago I had to give up my dream of being president..."

"That must have been really tough. But it was probably a good decision. You didn't have any delegates."

"Delegates, shmelegates... Then I had to give up my dream of being governor of New York..."

"I thought you told me that was a business decision. You never even declared."

"Yeah, but I would have made a heck of a governor. And now... I guess... it's time for me to give up my dream of jumping in this year at the last moment and capturing the Republican nomination. Once again... Sad, isn't it?"

"A little bit sad. For you, anyway. And for me. I don't guess this would be a good time for me to ask for a raise, would it?"

"No, Suzan. It would not."

"It's never a good time for you is it, you old fart."

"What's that, Suzan? You know I have trouble understanding you when you mumble."

"I said, maybe later when the economy picks up."

"Right, just like I told you last year. Now come on, throw me a couple more balls and we'll get back to the office. Hey, would you like to try a few pitches with the hardball?"

"You bet I would."

Perry stratergizes

2011-10-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

"I'd be lyin' if I didn't say that I was a little apprehensive," says Texas Governor Rick Perry, taking a short break from his debate rehearsals. "Isn't that the craziest thing, preparin for a debate? It just doesn't seem natural somehow. Still, my campaign manager says I need it, and besides, everyone else is doing it, and they're all doin it with an eye on takin me out. My daddy used to say that it's not bein paranoid if everybody really is out to get you, and that bein the case, maybe I'm not bein paranoid enough."

"They say this is supposed to be an economics debate, and that would be just fine by me, cause I don't have any worries there, seein as how I don't have a plan to attack. Course they'll probably attack me for that. Herman Cain and Romney, they got plans, the S.O.B's, and the other guys, who cares? I'll have one too, just hold on. But I'm not fool enough to reveal my plan before an economics debate. That's just givin ammunition to the enemy. The less specific you are, the more transparent you are, and I just want em to look through me and see each other."

"You'd think that they'd all want to talk about Romney and the Mormon controversy. Not that I intentionally orchestrated it. All I did was ask a respected preacher to introduce me, and then he starts rattlin on about fake religions and cults. Course old Reverend Jeffers did the same thing last time Romney ran, but I just figured he'd learned his lesson by now, heh heh. It's all they're talkin about on the cable news. Askin everybody if it's okay to be a Mormon, and they're like, that's irrelevant. What the hell kind of answer is that? At least Santorum has the cajones to say 'He says he's a Christian'. Good answer, but nobody listens to that boy, anyhow. He's not real telegenic."

"Me, I don't even know the difference between LDS and LSD. As far as I can tell, they're both mind alterin, and it's pretty darn clear that I've never tried either, else you wouldn't catch me dead tryin to run for president in a Christian country. I'd just as soon vote for Obama, at least he pretends to be a believer. That's an exaggeration, of course. Maybe."

"But Romney, that's one lucky dog, I'm tellin you. I never heard of the Bloomberg channel so I checked it out, and we might as well be debatin on Al Gore TV, for all the difference it makes. They're like CNBC without the personality. All they care about is stocks and markets and finances, so it wouldn't totally surprise me if this really is an economics debate. That's why I'm studyin Romney's plan real close. With 59 bullet points, there's got to be some live ammo in there somewhere. That way I can answer any question with 'my plan, when I unveil it, addresses your point spot on, but just take a gander at Romney's point number 34, that's crazy'. And then I just stare at him like he's a member of some weird cult or something. Cause he is."

Welcome to the B-list

2011-10-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

"Hi, Sean! Hope you like banana-nut cause I've got muffins!"

"Oh, hi Sarah... As a matter of fact, banana-nut makes me kind of nauseous, but that's okay, cause I've got half a cheesesteak in my dressing room. What are you doing here?"

"I'm doing your show, silly, what do you think I'm doing?"

"Uh, didn't you get the message? I had Lois call to tell you that your segment had been canceled."

"Cancelled?"

"Yeah, we've got a couple of technology gurus on. We thought we would spend our first segment discussing Steve Jobs tonight."

"Steve Jobs?"

"Yeah, you know, the founder of Apple, the second biggest corporation in the country. He was a great American. You might have heard that he died last night."

"Of course I heard about it, Sean. I was in my room last night, trying to watch the coverage about my big announcement and all they had on was Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs. He totally buried my coverage."

"Well, sure, and uh, that's why we thought we would do a segment on it tonight. Last night we had already done all the prep for the show by the time the news broke, and we had all the guests booked, and..."

"But you had me booked tonight!"

"And that's part of the problem, Sarah. We booked you last week, uh, before things changed."

"You mean, just because I announced that I wasn't going to run for president, you're blowing me off?"

"That's essentially correct, but I deny that I'm blowing you off. Look, I'm right here talking to you now. It's just that we've got this segment on Steve Jobs..."

"Screw Steve Jobs. You can put me on the second segment if he's so important to you!"

"Oh wow, I couldn't do that. I've got Hank Williams Jr on for the second segment. Big big story, and I'm the first one to get him."

"Okay, Sean, since I'm already here, I guess I could do the third segment after the half hour break."

"Well, like I said, this Hank Williams Jr thing is a really big story, so we're going to take it for two segments..."

"Well, I'm certainly not going to do your final segment."

"I should say not, Sarah. We've got Dick Morris booked. Listen, maybe we could have you on the radio show sometime next week. How does that sound?"

"Look here, Sean Hannity, I still have the ability to be the kingmaker in this race. A lot of the candidates are already calling me. And if I don't think there's anybody able to articulate the true conservative message, I still have the capability of launching a third party campaign."

"And if either of those things happen down the road, I'd be delighted to have you back on as a special guest."

"I'm not suddenly some kind of B-lister just because..."

"Oh wow, look at the time. Ten minutes till air. Gotta get over to makeup. Take care, Sarah, and stay in touch."

sports break

2011-10-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

"Good evening, and welcome to 'Pardon the Interruption'. I'm Tony Kornheiser..."

"And I'm Michael Wilbon, and we're bringing you all the hottest stories in sports today. Tonight in major league baseball the Yankees are going to try and battle back against the surprisingly resurgent Tigers, while the Phillies are taking on the Cardinals in a game that started just a few minutes ago. As for the Brewers and the Diamondbacks, who cares?"

"Really. I mean, I'm a sports guy, and I can't even remember where the Diamondbacks are from. We're also going to be asking whether or not Tony Romo is the most overrated quarterback in the NFL."

"Oh, that should be a quick discussion. You can't be blowing 24 point leads in the fourth quarter like that. But the biggest story in sports right now involves our own network, ESPN. It seems like our mascot felt a little rowdy this morning..."

"Make that our former mascot, cause he's history, baby. Take a look at Hank Williams Jr on this video from FOX News."

"Wow... Did he really sit there and indicate that he thought Gretchen Carlson is hot, Tony?"

"He did, Michael, and you know, she really wouldn't be all that bad if you didn't have to listen to her annoying yammering. But I've got to ask, where the heck is his self-respect to be on a show with Steve Doocey?"

"That Doocey can do some big time yammering, although with all due respect, I've got to say that at least Williams didn't really seem to acknowledge him."

"That's probably because he appeared to be so wasted that he couldn't even count. Obama and Biden are the three stooges. Come on, big fella."

"Yeah, Tony, even Doocey picked up on that. But the thing that got me was that he really doesn't seem to be all that much of a sports guy."

"My thoughts exactly. Benjamin Netanyahu playing golf with Adolph Hitler? Ridiculous."

"I'll say. Netanyahu would absolutely murder him. You know the guy has a handicap of four."

"He has a heckuva swing. And correct me if I'm wrong, Michael, but wasn't Hitler a notoriously bad golfer?"

"The worst, but everyone was afraid to tell him."

"Say, did you ever hear the old joke about the golfer who spent so much time in the bunker that he started getting mail addressed to Hitler?"

"An oldie but a goodie. So, bottom line, ESPN cans Williams. Good thing or bad thing."

"I say good thing. Just play football."

"I agree, Tony. And I'm sick of that song. Moving on, Detroit sports are on fire right now with the Lions and Tigers. Question - can the Tigers wipe that smirk off the Yankees face?"

hunting for controversy

2011-10-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

Sure, the name 'Niggerhead Ranch' might have given some more cautious politicians pause, but of all the negatives that have been aired about Texas Governor Perry, racism is not among them (while questionable judgment and obliviousness most assuredly are). Given the fact that the average potential voter receives their knowledge of presidential candidates in very small bites, it will probably be a wash, with an equal distribution of negative and positive knee jerks. But if nothing else, the controversy over the name of Rick Perry's former hunting camp should have at least one positive effect.

"I'm thinking this is probably the death knell for using 'gate' as a suffix for controversies," says UCLA linguist Hines Norton. "I saw it coming with the failure of Solyndragate, but today when I actually saw 'N-WordheadGate' in New York Magazine, I said stick a fork in it, this turkey is done."

And that's a good thing, too, because the country has too many pressing problems to spend any more than a week or so talking about N-WordheadGate. And after all, either Rick Perry or his daddy Joe Ray did put a coat of white paint over the mysterious but undisputed rock that had the word Niggerhead on it, and Perry vowed to never utter the offensive term aloud again, and he never renewed his lease on that vile ranch when it expired in 2007, which, ironically, happened to be the same time that they just went ahead and changed the name to North Camp Pasture.

"Well, the Perry family leased the place since the mid-1980s and they never requested a change," said Chuck Wilson, who manages the property. "Course, they could have called it anything they wanted amongst themselves, but people around here all called it Niggerhead. There used to be lots of places with that name, but back in 1962, the U.S. Board on Geographic Names just upped and changed em, just like that. Talk about your government overreach. Now this being private property, we were exempt from everything but their scorn, so screw em. Still, I'm happy to clear up one mystery - it was either Rick or Joe Ray that vandalized my rock, and I'm gonna take this to court for all I can get."

"I'm not gonna be worryin' about some small claims court," said a defiant Rick Perry. "What I don't like is this besmirchin' of my good name. Sure, I realize everybody else is gonna be slanderized too, and I'm not clueless enough to not realize that this is all part of the liberal media's gotcha game. Still, I'm gonna be extra careful not to give them any extra ammunition. For example, just this morning I cancelled my membership to 'Burning Jew Country Club'."

maverick

2011-09-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

"Good times, Joe, good times. You know, you can go to an Applebee's anywhere in this country, and you're going to end up with a smile on your face. Unless you're Cindy."

"Yeah, Cindy, put a little wiggle in your wobble."

"I don't even know what you're talking about, Joe, but I assure you that my wiggling days are over."

"Whoa. Is she always like this, John?"

"Most of the time, Joe, but she's still my first lady."

"John always gets bubbly like this after a Middle East trip. I'm surprised you didn't go with him, Joe."

"Yeah, I know, but it's so hot in Libya this time of year... and John spends all his time talking to Lindsey, so I just..."

"You should have. You would have loved Tripoli, Joe, it's exhilarating, it's inspirational, and the people are so grateful to the United States that it really makes you proud."

"And to think, there's probably nobody running for president that would have lifted a finger to intervene."

"Tell me about it, Joe. I heard Michele Bachmann blaming Obama for the Arab Spring. No shit, blaming him for it. I mean, I don't know how responsible for it he is, but I think high praise would be a better response. I'll tell you one thing though - Obama is one terrorist killing sonofabitch."

"He's a terrorist killing machine, John. My God, every time you turn around, he's killing another terrorist."

"I guess it's not as hard as President Dunderhead made it sound. It helps out to have a president with ice in his heart. You know, I'm really starting to like this Barack Obama, I don't care what anybody says."

"Well, there's certainly nobody running against him that would show his gumption."

"I know... there's something really wrong with the Republican party. That's why I'm going to do something you might find a little crazy. I'm going to endorse him for president."

"John!"

"That's right, Cindy. Maybe even do a little campaigning for him. It'll be the most mavericky thing I've ever done."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, John."

"It's the same thing you did for me, Joe. Come on, it would be a lot of fun. Neither of us are running for office again, so what would we have to lose?"

"The respect of our... Uh, not a lot, I guess."

come on in, the water's fine

2011-09-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

Tom Toles nails it. (from here)

CC?

2011-09-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

"I remember how hard it was in 2008, what with all the liberals being so happy about Barack Obama," said Virginia Ware, an effusive supporter of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. "They all seemed to be having so much fun, and there we were stuck with John McCain. The liberals really thought they had found the one. They thought Obama was their Messiah."

"They were way wrong," Ware snaps, pausing to slide a 'Trentonians for Christie' flyer under the windshield wiper of a dirty white Ford Taurus. "He was a false Messiah. And I know that because we've got the real thing right here in Trenton. And you know how you can tell? Because he won't answer our prayers. That's enough proof for me that he's the real thing."

Christie fever is running rampant through Red America, where the desire for a president who looks like the fat guy from a TV sitcom has become increasingly palpable. For the Republican presidential candidates, the prospect of Christie joining the race is seen as a mixed blessing.

"Chris is a great friend, a great guy, a colorful character," Mitt Romney said at a campaign stop in New Hampshire. "Who knows, maybe he'll get in. It'd be fun if he got in, it really would. You know, I didn't have a lot of fun the last time I ran for president. You know the book 'Game Change'? It's all true. None of the other candidates liked me and they weren't afraid to let me know it, so the idea of having a buddy in the race is really exciting. Maybe we could bunk together. You should see his Jackie Gleason impersonation - 'And away we go' and he kicks up his foot in a little dance move. That guy cracks me up. The only negative is how to deal with beating him. I mean, I'd feel pretty bad about that. Of course, he might beat me, and then the shoe would be on the other foot. Oh well, I guess it's always better to be beaten by someone you like, and at any rate, it would be nice to finally have a friend in the White House."

"Chris Christie runnin for president, that's a good one," chuckled Rick Perry. "That fella doesn't even look like he could walk for president. But it's all right, it's all right, him gettin in now might shake things up, specially for old Mitt. Yeah, I don't think that big boy's even gonna get his feet wet tryin to wade in my voter pool, so he'll have to go for Willard's. Oh man, I bet old Mitt's sweatin bullets about now... What's that? He's sympatico with Romney? I'm gonna have to think about it now. I'd hate to have a candidate offerin Mitt even a little camaraderie."

"If Christie were to get in, I would be overjoyed," confided Newt Gingrich. "For one thing, they would quit calling me the portly one in the race. People can be cruel, even when you don't want them to be. And he'll definitely hurt Romney, which is a good thing in and of itself. More importantly, it would knock some of the luster off of Perry, not that he hasn't accomplished that on his own. But you know how the voters are, they always love that new candidate smell."

"It's a free country, I don't care who gets in, other than Romney, but he's already in, so that's water under the bridge," scoffed businessman Herman Cain. "I just don't want this sucker to be hustling me for any free pizzas."

Mitt Meets The Donald

2011-09-26T14:20:00.001-07:00

"Good afternoon, Mister Trump, it's great to finally get a chance to sit down and break bread with you... Mister Trump?.... Uh, are you okay?.... You... look upset."

"I was just looking at my watch, Governor Romney, and it had something very interesting to say. It said that the time was 2:07."

"And so it is, yes. My, that's a fine looking timepiece you're wearing. May I ask what is?"

"It's a friggin watch is what it is. And now it says 2:08, is what it says. You were supposed to be here at two-o'-clock sharp."

"Oh, right, but I was pretty close. We got to Trump Towers and realized that there really wasn't any back entrance, so we had to go across the street to the subway station and take the entrance in from there."

"Why didn't you simply take the front door?"

"Boy, that would have been a lot more convenient, but I kind of wanted to avoid any photo-ops."

"You wanted to avoid any photo-ops? Explain."

"Oh, you know. Walking into this opulent building with it's gold-plated awnings to meet with a megalomaniac... That's the sort of image I'm trying to avoid, the whole rich guy thing."

"Believe me, if I am forced by circumstances to get into the presidential race, a move which that would require me to disclose the financial reach of my empire, you would not need to worry about being referred to as the rich guy."

"I'm sure that's true, but the fact that..."

"We are drifting far afield from my original point, which is that you arrived at 2:07 for a 2:00 meeting. Promptness is a crucial component of leadership."

"Well, let's get to lunch. Say, I thought I heard that Sarah Palin was over an hour late to meet with you. True?"

"Sarah Palin is no leader."

"Good point. You had lunch with Michele Bachmann, too, didn't you? Was she on time?"

"She was early. That sort of over-eagerness is an unattractive trait in anyone seeking high office. And she has atrocious table manners."

"Okay, then, let's get on with this. I believe I understand the ground rules. We have lunch, you pontificate a while, and afterwards you say slightly less unkind things about me because now you can call me an associate."

"Good response. You demonstrate at least a minimal grasp of the dynamics. Plus, I reserve the right to later say that I have met all of the candidates and found them wanting, and then announce a third-party candidacy."

"Uh huh. Should I kiss your ring now or after lunch?"

"I would prefer now."

"Well, forget about it. That's not going to happen."

"Good answer. Rick Perry slobbered all over the damn thing... Come on, we can take the elevator to the garage if you don't want any photographs."

[special to FGAQ]

2011-09-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

A stern rebuke to the inanely blathering Gallup Organization

George Gallup, Jr

I have written before here on the pages of FGAQ [and yes, I am well aware of the fact that these are not actual 'pages', but you must forgive an old pollster his habits] about the pioneering work of the statistical analyst who bequeathed to me my name, and how his career was nearly ruined by his faulty prediction of a Dewey victory in the 1948 presidential election, an unforced error committed through the simple omission of the proper follow up question.

It is a lesson that I never forgot once I took over the helm of the mighty ship Gallup. Indeed, I was nearly legendary for my follow-up questions, and there is a simple reason why - at the time when I would be making my initial query, my mind would be whirling with the formulation of a follow-up. [As an example, the 1996 presidential elections were preceded by a number of polls showing Bob Dole trouncing Bill Clinton, a result that I found to be highly unlikely. Prior to our own poll, I instructed our interviewers to ask the following to anyone who selected Dole - "Oh, really?" Needless to say, our poll was on the money, and our glory continued to grow.]

Sadly, current Gallup CEO Jim Clifton - a man who is, alas, neither blood nor spiritual kin - has not always been as keen on this sort of follow-up and follow through. I have upbraided him on numerous occasions for his slovenly work ethic to little avail. [More accurately, I have seriously reproached his secretary, as Mister Clifton finds a way to avoid my calls]. The current Gallup Organization is always polling, polling, incessantly polling, with little regard to the importance or significance of the matter at hand. Furthermore, after completing one of these ludicrous samples, Gallup has now taken to formatting them into ludicrous attention-seeking opinion pieces, as though the facts were unable to speak for themselves.

No real newsman reads a Gallup poll for it's entertainment value or 'political slant', they read the topic, and they note the numbers. This is the reason that I nearly suffered apoplexy today when I read the latest piece of excretory brouhaha to bear the Gallup logo - 'Majority Rates Obama Same or Worse Compared With Bush'.

With trembling hands I began to delve into the raw data, scant as it was. My keen pollsters eye had immediately fixed on the word 'same', a loaded word if there ever was one. I shuddered to think of the many ways in which that short adjective could be abused, and I was right to shudder. To wit: 34% of respondents did indeed say that Obama was worse than Bush, while 22% said that he was 'the same', and I cannot deny that this equals 56%, thus making the headline technically true. What may not be immediately clear to the unskilled analyst, however, is the fact that 43% responded that Obama was better than Bush, while the coalition of the wishy-washey malcontents still provided 22% who voted 'same'. For those of you keeping score at home, that equals 65%, meaning that the only way to honestly report the results would have been 'Majority Rates Obama Same or Better Compared With Bush'. This is the way that facts become fictions, and I vigorously object.

But the shame does not end there. Indeed not. Imagine, if you will, if Clifton's clowns had reported 'Obama beats Bush 65% to 56%' and you will immediately come to the understanding that even in a mathematically challenged nation such as ours, such an outcome would be impossible, and that the integrity of the poll had been completely undermined by the reckless use of the word 'same'. [Memo to Jim Clifton: Back in my day we had a somewhat more complex word - 'undecided'. You would be well advised to look it up and learn it.]

Hoping for a silver lining, I proceeded to look at the party breakdown and was astounded by what I found - the vast majority of those who though Bush was worse were Democrats and the vast majority of those who thought Obama was lesser were Republicans. Stop the presses!

Although polling methodology is summarily included, in all honesty I do not think that any such survey was ever taken, and have decided to take my own meticulous survey to find out how many people believe that this was a product of Clifton's fevered imagination as opposed to those who feel it was a prank perpetrated by the college interns. But be advised, Mister Clifton, you have failed, and in doing so I shall look upon the current management of Gallup with ever greater disdain.

friday funk

2011-09-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

Bootsy, forever funky, today and thirty years ago

Thaddeus McCotter, 2011-2011

2011-09-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

Rock in peace, Thaddeus McCotter, rock in peace.

In the saddest news of the day, the Jimi Hendrix of the GOP has abandoned his dream of somehow becoming president of the United States, a move so shocking that the Dow dropped nearly 400 points in response. In spite of the development, FOX News callously announced that they would not cancel tonight's Republican debate.

"I'm as upset as anyone by the news," said FOX programming chief Roger Ailes, "which is to say, not all that upset. Still, the show must go on, as I'm sure Thaddeus would say if we were to bother asking him. But in his honor, we are including Gary Johnson, another totally unknown candidate."

"Friggin Gary Johnson," grumbled McCotter, playing the opening bars of 'Satisfaction', of which he has been able to get none. "Some guys have all the luck. The only thing anyone knows about him is that he wants to legalize pot. Well, guess what, Gary Johnson, I'm high right now, and I can play this guitar just like a ringing bell."

"He can't play that guitar just like a ringing bell," said Mike Huckabee, the greatest living GOP bass player. "If he could, I would have had him on my show long ago. The man can't even play a simple riff like 'Satisfaction'. At any rate, I would say that it's always sad to see a dream die, but seeing as how he said he's throwing his support to my arch-enemy Mitt Romney, I think I'll just keep my mouth shut."

"Oh, great," said Romney. "That's one more vote I can count on."

because everybody love it when I write about monetary policy

2011-09-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

"Nice central bank you got here. Shame if something should happen to it." - Ezra Klein

As the Central Bank ponders it's next step, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is certain of only one thing - one wrong move and he's in for a world of hurt.

He's in a precarious position, and has already been warned about the consequences of missteps by no less of a luminary than economic mastermind Governor Rick Perry, the man who single-handedly created twenty-three million jobs in Texas, and warned Bernanke a full month ago not to be "printin' more money."

"Printin' more money to play politics at this particular time in American history," Perry said, pausing to lick his lips and finger his concealed weapon, "is almost treasonous. In my humble opinion, that is. Hellfire, did I say almost? I don't want to be hedging my words, so you can just forget about that one. If this varmint prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Texas ugly."

"Oh man, that sure sounds like a threat to me," Bernanke said at the time. "I mean, treason is a capital offense, and Governor Perry is not known for his leniency, so just in case he's the next president, I guess the one thing I don't want to be doing is printin' more money."

Since Perry's dire warning, Bernanke has received a cavalcade of insults, ultimatums, and veiled threats from every corner of the RepubliTea™ party. And then this Monday, just hours before the Fed was scheduled to convene it's quarterly meeting, Bernanke received a letter hand delivered by a large man named Luigi signed by the four horsemen of the RepubliTea™ party, Boehner, McConnell, Kyl, and the odious Cantor.

"Dear Chairman Bernanke," it began ironically, "It is our understanding that the Board Members of the Federal Reserve will meet later this week to consider additional monetary stimulus proposals. We write to express our reservations about any such measures." The letter then went on to suggest that the very best thing the Fed could do was absolutely nothing, and "that if, God forbid, the economy should somehow happen to improve before the 2012 election, your ass is grass and we're the human lawnmower."

"We obviously couldn't just do nothing," Bernanke said this afternoon following the Feds announcements of it's latest move. "So we've taken a middle course which should kind of look like nothing to these, uh, fine statesmen, which is to rebalance our portfolio, shifting some of our short-term securities into long-term holdings. Surely that can't be construed as some kind of monetary stimulus or..."

"Did somebody just call me a statesman? Where is that bearded socialist? Just wait till I get my hands on that treasonous varmint!"

"Uh oh," said Bernanke, breaking out into a sweat. "I think that was Rick Perry and it sounds like he's heading my way."

'apt metaphor' tweets Ed Rollins

2011-09-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

pic: Charlie Niebergall / Associated Press via L A Times

"The way they light the warehouse, it looks just like Squire Boon Caverns in Mauckport, Indiana, but also you can get a lot closer to the stalactites. And they're made out of meat!"

Class Warfare Comix

2011-09-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

I've got twelve cars that I don't use
I'm wearing thousand dollar shoes
But now it's time to pay my dues
I got them old class warfare blues

Take it, Tex...

I've been takin it, Mister Buffett. I've been takin it for a long time.

Ain't that the truth?

Takin it on the chin, takin it up the ass, but with the economy bein in this awful mess, I just can't afford to say take this job and shove.

Well, it's just not right. Did you know that my secretary pays a higher tax rate than I do?

That totally boggles my mind, Mister Buffett... Is that the God-honest truth?

It sure is, Tex. You see, all of Mister Buffetts income is derived from capital gains, so his tax rate is only 15%, while I'm paying 28%.

And don't forget, Sue, I only pay Social Security and Medicare on a tiny fraction of my income, while you pay it on your entire salary.

That's a sad story, but any new burdens placed on America's job creators is a form of class warfare.

Unless you've got a harmonica behind that handkerchief, you best be moving on. This stage is for players only.

Pitting one group of Americans against another is not leadership...This administration's insistence on raising taxes on job creators and its...

I don't think you heard the lady, Boehner. Show this bore the door, Agent Smith.

Beat it, pal, and don't let me see you again unless you have a banjo in your hand.

You know, Mister President, I think it's about time that you started making sure that wealthy folks like me pay our fair share. I don't know, maybe propose a millionaire tax.

I'm one step ahead of you, Warren. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to name it after you. You rule, Ukulele Man, so I'm going to call it the Buffett Rule.

Hot diggity, that's gonna make the fat cats get up and dance.

Don't forget the oil subsidy giveaways and the corporate jet tax loophole.

I would never forget the corporate jet tax loophole, Sue. Okay, everybody, let's play 'Night Train' in the key of B-sharp!

CNNTP

2011-09-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

“I’m proud to say that this was the craziest debate yet, and I think that CNN can really build on it.” So says Wolf Blitzer, the biggest name on a network bereft of big names. There was a time, however, when CNN was the brightest star in the galaxy of cable news, a golden era that stretched all the way from their founding at the hands of Ted Turner until that fateful day when somebody else said “Hey, maybe I’ll start a news channel too.”

“It was a brilliant move for CNN to team up with the Tea Party for the third debate, and I don’t think anyone can deny that,” brags Blitzer. “Those guys are TV magic, and I for one like the look of a little stardust sprinkled on my beard. It may itch a little, but we love to scratch, and maybe now we can make a little as well.”

“Oh, there were some glorious moments in our grand debate, but given the motley cast of characters, how could there not have been? We played our part well, never pretending to be superior to the actors we hosted, and we even staged it a bit like a WWF event, just with the action being verbal rather than physical. I must admit that if there had been a shove, a slap, or even a punch we would not have been unhappy, and the audience would have been ecstatic. Did you hear the cries of glee when I asked if an injured thirty year old with no insurance should be left to die? That, my friends, is television gold.”

“I see us getting very cozy with the Tea Party. After all, they need a network too. Republicans have FOX, Democrats have MSNBC, and we’ve just been stuck here with the fuzzy middle, yearning for another party to emerge. And now that our prayers have been answered, we’d be crazy not to pounce on it like Rick Perry on a puppy threatening coyote. We’re even thinking of changing our name. I’m not one to speak out of school, but how does the sound of CNNTP grab you? A little too subtle perhaps, but I like the ring of it.”

Newt takes a pass

2011-09-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

"Hello... Hello... Am I on? Sean?"

"Yeah, you're on, Mister Speaker. Why don't you just go ahead and introduce yourself - I'm having a little snack."

"Uh, okay... Hello, America, I'm Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House and 2012 Republican presidential contender..."

"Yeah, kind of... In a matter of speaking..."

"I'm sorry, Sean, I don't get what you're trying to say."

"I thought I was very clear. In a matter of speaking, you're a presidential contender. Just like in a matter of speaking Thaddeus McCotter is a presidential contender."

"I think the phrase you're looking for is in a manner of speaking, Sean."

"Whatever."

"And you know as well as anybody that I am totally committed to being the next president of the United States... Uh, why do you have all the lights off in the studio?"

"As I said at the top of the segment, I'm having a snack, and I don't want you staring at me while I eat my nachos."

"You should pass those nachos right away."

"Even if I was inclined to share, I believe that you know that is a physical impossibility. I'm sitting here in my studio and you're on a monitor being broadcast from..."

"I know that, Sean. It's just a little joke. Watching Obama's jobs speech last night, I was quite amused by the way he kept repeating the phrase pass this bill. Every other sentence it was 'pass the jobs bill' or 'pass this bill right away'."

"I of course refused to watch the speech because it was on MSNBC, but when I read the transcript I found that to be more obnoxious than funny."

"My own personal feeling is that Obama is trying his hardest to put government ahead of the private sector, and you don't create jobs by throwing taxpayer money at the unemployed, you create jobs by easing the taxes and restrictions on the job creators, reducing our dependency..."

"But now that I think about it, it's more insidious than it is obnoxious. It's like brainwashing, you say 'pass this bill' enough times and people start wandering around thinking we need to pass this bill right now but they don't know why."

"I guess that's certainly possible, Sean. But like I was saying, pass the ketchup right now."

"Are you insane, Mister Speaker? You don't put ketchup on nachos."

"No, of course not. You know how it is when you get a phrase stuck in your head and can't stop saying it?"

"No I don't. I am not one to repeat myself."

"Another way to look at it is that 'pass this bill' can just turn into one of those silly catch phrases that don't mean anything anymore. For example, did you know that Ronald Reagan was the first person to ever say 'sock it to me'? Of course he only used it once. But then Richard Nixon said it and all of a sudden everybody was going around saying 'sock it to me'."

"I'll take your word for that since you're quite a bit older than me, but you prove my point exactly. Obama's repetition is a not so subtle form of brainwashing."

"Pass the dutchie, Sean."

"What?"

"Pass the dutchie. It's a, uh, song by Musical Youth that was popular back when I was younger, and Lil Wayne made a new version recently... I just thought it was funny."

"Well, you certainly have an odd sense of humor. Have you considered the possibility that that's one of the reasons we haven't had you on the show lately?"

"Because of my sense of humor? I don't think..."

"My good friend Michele Bachmann was supposed to do the show tonight and she had to cancel at the last minute and then they surprise me with you."

"I guess they figured they could always get me at the last minute, which is a bit of a misconception propagated by the elite media."

"I mean, for God's sake, why do you think I'm sitting here with the lights off. I don't want to be seen with you. You've been a correspondent here at FOX, you know how it works. I've moved on to the higher profile candidates. You're supposed to be Neil Cavuto's guest now."

"But he's not even in prime time."

"And neither are you, Mister Speaker, but we appreciate you joining us tonight. Now, stay tuned after the break, when we'll return for a very revealing conversation with my special guest Dick Morris."

the economic question

2011-09-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

"I couldn't be more pleased that you asked that question tonight, Brian, because I certainly have the most detailed economic plan of anyone else on stage. Has anyone else here got a plan big enough to put into a 160 page booklet? No pictures either, Governor Perry, so you might want one of your aides to read it for you and give you a summary."

"What the heck, Romney, you bein' aggressive with me?"

"Not aggressive, Governor. I myself am a gentleman. I know that's a dirty word for some of you tea partiers, but I always like to stay true to myself. No, I'm being enthusiastic, because in my hand I hold a rather nifty prop whipped up by my marketing department - an economy sized bottle of Mitt Romney 59 'Believe in America' sauce. You see, my economic plan has 59 separate proposals - or ingredients, as I like to call them - that will not only restore the American economy, but set it humming like never before."

"But Governor Romney, the Wall Street Journal today actually called your plan 'rather timid'. How would you respond to that?"

"Well, I suppose if you would describe 4% annual growth during my term and 11 million new jobs in the next four years, then timid it is. But I believe that once you try it, you'll be as excited as I am about it's rich bold flavor."

"Hey Wall Street boy, is it good on a burger?"

"I realize that Governor Perry is trying to make a joke, but just for the hard of thinking, let me clarify - you do not put it on a burger, you put it on America and it makes your economy taste better than ever. That's due to fine quality ingredients like the all-natural Reagan economic zones, which will transform our trade deficit into a situation that will make you shout in delight, and the eye-opening tax..."

"Time, Governor."

"Try it today, you'll be glad you did."

"Thank you, Governor Romney. Congresswoman Bachmann, how would you restore the economy?"

"I have an excellent plan which is 100% Tea Party approved, and I'd love to talk about it, but first I need to address an injustice which is taking place here on this stage. You are allowing Governor Romney to use a prop."

"That's correct."

"That's your answer? That's correct? That's outrageous, nobody gets to use a prop during a debate."

"We have no restrictions that address the issue. To repeat my question, Congresswoman, what is your plan to restore the economy?"

"I know the question, Brian Williams, and I know your game. I should never have agreed to do a debate on MSNBC. You guys in the liberal media want to give an advantage to the least conservative candidates here. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if you told him he could bring a prop. I'll bet you gave the word to Jon Huntsman as well."

"Yeah, they did, Michelle."

"Well, I think we should all..."

"Time, Congresswoman. Ambassador Huntsman, are you able to answer the question any more effectively?"

"Indeed I am, Brian. You may notice that in my hand I'm holding a replica of a Formula One racing car which represents my economic plan which will get America moving at top speed. You see, the secret is..."

Mister Unpopularity

2011-09-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

Graphic created via Fakeposters.com

Once the magic fades away, it's usually gone for good, and there's just no bringing it back as Vanilla Ice would indisputably tell you. Oh sure, a few diehard fans sometimes remain, and after a decade or so you might even get lucky enough to score a home renovation show on some third-rate basic cable reality network, but you know what they say about the moving finger - it writes, and having writ moves on, perhaps flashing you the bird on the way out as an afterthought.

With a job approval rating of only 43% with just fourteen months to go before the 2012 elections, Barack Obama now has the lowest approval ever registered by any president in the past fifty years except for Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H W Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W Bush.

"I kinda feel sorry for the poor fella. I can't help myself, I'm a compassionate human bean," says current Republican frontrunner Rick Perry. "If I was him, I'd probably be thinking bout takin a long walk off of a short pier, not that I mean to offer unchristian-like advice. Just sayin, that's all. I mean, look, they call me 'Governor Goodhair', and even though I'm not crazy about that moniker, it's kind of a compliment in a way. Reagan they called 'The Gipper', the first Bush was 'Poppy', and even Clinton was called 'Slick Willie'. This poor guy has been in office near three years, and he doesn't even have a nickname, unless you count 'The Socialist'."

"A presidency is like a marriage, don't you think," Sarah Palin today asked a still smitten Sean Hannity (who answered in the affirmative). "In this case it's a really bad marriage, and this Mama Grizzly told the American people that it was no way going to work out, but oh no they wouldn't listen and they woke up the next morning with their hope hangover to find themselves in a loveless relationship that they can't get out of and so they're forced to just stay in the same house for four years exchanging harsh words and nasty glances, and that's no way to be."

"I hate to disagree with my good friend Sarah Palin," lied Michele Bachmann, "but a presidency is not like a marriage at all. God wants us to work out our relationships for the good of the children, and that would mean making sure Barack Obama was not a one term president. No, a presidency is more like a cell phone contract where you don't like the service, but when you try to end it they say 'I'm sorry, Mrs Bachmann, you've still got fourteen months left on this contract'. And you say 'well, I don't care, I want to cancel it anyway', and they say 'We'll be glad to cancel it but you'll still have to pay'. So you just throw your hands up in the air and realize you're stuck with the blasted phone for the next fourteen months."

President Obama is not commenting on the latest polls, but an aide close to the White House revealed that he has taken the unusual step of joining Match.com.

"The President is cognizant of his current situation," the loose lipped aide explained. "He's found out for himself how lonely it is at the top when you're unpopular. But with over twenty million members at Match.com, he's very confident that he'll be able to find a new constituency out there somewhere."

back to the grindstone

2011-09-05T12:04:00.001-07:00

All right you numbskulls, break time is over. I hope everybody's feeling well rested and ready to get down to some serious gridlock, because in spite of our complaints, we find ourselves addicted to it.

The Fighting Democrats

2011-09-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

"Well, Ibrahim, it's been a long and deadly battle, but it appears that our travails are at last coming to an end."

"It does appear that way, Yusif, although I shall not rest until we have the tyrant in our clutch."

"That is a fine daydream, Ibrahim, but what do you think the odds are that we would be the ones lucky enough to capture Muammar Gaddafi?"

"Perhaps they are not all that high, but certainly more likely than those of winning the Libyan Lucky Lotto, and it has not escaped my attention, Yusif, that you have played that weekly, even during the height of battle."

"Indeed I have, it is my one true addiction. Someday my numbers will come up. I always play the same ones - 8, 37, 94, 117, 347, 819, and 1314 as the wild card option."

"Ah, Yusif, can't you see that the game is rigged? The odds are astronomical, and no one has ever won since they expanded the number of balls to 1500."

"True, Ibrahim, but the jackpot is now up to three and a half million dinars... So, Just what would you do to the tyrant if you were so fortunate as to be the one to find him?"

"Just something simple, probably, like rip out his heart and show it to him. Of course, first I'd make him squeal like a pig."

"Heh, heh... Of course! That would be a grand scene, would it not, Muammar squealing like a pig and then 'Is that my heart you hold, you cockroach? Aiyeeee!' A most excellent scenario, Ibrahim, if I do say so myself."

"Thank you. I kind of like it... Yusif, I've been thinking. Now that we are victorious, do you not think we should adopt a new name? To my ears, the rebels sounds a bit generic."

"Really, Ibrahim? I think it has a classic sound, and envision it in all capital letter - THE REBELS! What would you suggest?"

"Well, I am not saying that THE REBELS! is a bad name, Yusif. The people could always sing 'Hey hey we're THE REBELS!, and people see us fighting around, so Muammar better be hiding, cause we're coming to his town'."

"Yes, yes, absolutely!"

"Truly, that is a fine theme song. However, I much prefer The Fighting Democrats."

"Bwahahahahahahaha ho ho...."

"What? Do I amuse you?"

"It is just that you are funny, you know. That was an amusing name, and it's funny, you're a funny guy."

"Allow me to understand this because, you know, perhaps it is me, I am a little battle weary perhaps, but I am funny how? You mean funny like I am a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I am here to fucking amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny in what manner? How am I funny?"

"Uh... one brief moment... you have used an oxymoron..."

"And you have used a word that I do not understand but which I feel may have negatively referenced my mother's son."

"No no, Ibrahim. An oxymoron is a phrase containing funny and conflicting words. Like jumbo shrimp."

"I can well imagine that jumbo shrimp would be delicious, Yusif, but what would be funny about them?"

"You see jumbo is... Uh, never mind, Ibrahim. How about the Libyan Ministry for Domestic Harmony?"

"Oh. Ho, ho, that is an amusing ministry indeed. But what makes The Fighting Democrats funny? Oh wait. I get it. You are saying that Democrats don't fight, aren't you? Yes, I see that. But... Would it not be a noble and attractive mission to redefine the concept?"

"I don't think... Yes. Yes it would, Ibrahim. From now on, we shall be the Fighting Democrats."

"Well then, let's sojourn on, Yusif. I believe there is a dictator's heart nearby with my name on it."

the gray aura

2011-08-30T14:18:00.001-07:00

"I don't know, maybe I really am a witch," Christine O'Donnell says reflectively, gazing dejectedly at an untouched glass of white wine. "I know that I said I wasn't a witch, and I sincerely meant that, but I guess that it's possible to be a witch without even knowing it. Or at least to exude a negative aura that everybody can see but yourself. Do you see a gray aura to me? Oh, I know, you probably wouldn't tell me even if you did, since that has such a negative connotation, someone who is stuck in a life situation that they can't see a way out of. I used to have a blue-green aura and that was a good thing, but now I can't see it anymore and I feel it must have turned gray on me. I'll bet there's some dark brown in it as well. I feel that must be true."

"A couple of weeks ago, there was this guy named Chris Cillizza who wrote a snarky little piece about how I had had the worst week in Washington, and I thought, that's really cruel. But it had been kind of a bad week to be honest about it. My new book 'Trouble Maker' had just come out and people were either making fun of it or ignoring it all together. And the TV interviews I was getting were not exactly top shelf, like Piers Morgan on CNN, who I'd never really heard of but still felt perfectly justified in sexually harassing. Or FOX, where they put me on with Steve Doocy and those two blonde women, and Doocy kept trying to look up my skirt even though he denied it and those two blonde women just sat there snickering while I wasn't looking. And Cillizza capped his piece off by implying that I was never going to get rich cause my book was only number 3,819 at Amazon."

"And I guess those were the good old days, because when I checked yesterday 'Trouble Maker' had fallen to the 25,083rd bestselling ranks. I've got to admit, I didn't even know they had that many books, and I'm starting to worry cause any day now I'm expecting for St. Martin's Press to ask me for the advance money back, not that it was that much to begin with, and anyway, I've already spent it on two pairs of shoes and a decent manicure."

"I'm still doing book signings, but I'm having to max out my credit cards for travel expenses and it's totally not working - people come around to gawk at me and snicker behind my back, but they don't buy my book and I'm just sitting there surrounded by this stack of books feeling like a freak. I did a signing in Naples a few days ago, two hours I'm there and I sign five books. It would have been six if I had signed this demonology book some little creep handed me."

"Then today, the one thing that I had left to look forward to, a speech to the Tea Party of America in Iowa along with Sarah Palin... they uninvited me. I couldn't believe it. I was one of the original Tea Party candidates, and they uninvited me. They said they had made a mistake, they thought they had an open slot but they were wrong, and that's such a lie, they make the schedule, they can have however many slots they want. And the scuttlebutt out there is that Sarah Palin didn't want anyone that would reflect negatively on her in case she decides to run for president. Maybe she's seen the gray aura, but I've got news for her - your aura is bright red, Sarah, and that's not such a great thing either."

"So I'm thinking, it might be time for me to just hang it up, this political thing isn't really working out for me. I can't even say I'm Taxed Enough Already cause I haven't made enough money to be taxed, so I just wish I had that complaint. But... I'm still not old and it's probably not too late for me to meet a guy and get married and have a family... That's a nice dream, I know, but it's going to be tough to find a guy who can't read auras."

Mimi makes a funny

2011-08-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

Michele Bachmann's campaign has moved swiftly to stem damage inflicted by the mainstream media's efforts to damn her by using her actual words without the proper subtext. It was widely reported today that in a Florida campaign stop Sunday she told her audience:

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending."

"Obviously she was saying it in jest," her spokesman Alice Stewart told Talking Points Memo. "I mean, come on, you don't find that obvious? Mimi is using a little of that famous Bachmann humor and, I don't know, all the people there thought it was pretty funny. They laughed like there was no tomorrow, which there might not be unless these politicians listen to God and start to reign in the spending. See, I just used the same joke, and I can't believe you didn't chuckle at least a little."

Stunned by both the criticism and the unsettling sense that their sense of humor was sorely lacking, the mainstream media rushed to make corrections stating that Bachmann had indeed been joking about the storm which killed over two dozen people, displaced thousands of others, left millions without power, and caused billions of dollars worth of property damage. Summoning his inner Youngman, Jonathon Capehart found that Bachmann's remarks actually were pretty darn hilarious, particularly the near perfect sit-com twist where God finds out the unintended consequences of his wacky actions:

"Never mind that the billions of dollars in damages will cause local, state and federal governments to spend money they don’t have for repairs. Thus adding to the morbid obesity diet Bachmann claims God is trying to get the politicians to rein in. Lord, have mercy."

"Um, I guess it kind of takes some of the levity out of things when you put it like that," Stewart said in a follow-up missive. "But you know what's still pretty funny? The idea that people would go on a diet that makes them morbidly obese."

He used to mow my lawn

2011-08-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

In other news that most of you have missed, another of al-Qaeda's many Number Two in Commands™ was terminated in Pakistan last week when a CIA drone blew his ass to hell. Atiyah Abd al-Rahman was 41, and had only been a member of the dwindling terrorist group for three days at the time of the incident.

In recent times, the Number Two in Command™ for al-Qaeda has become a largely ceremonial position, sometimes referred to as 'piggy in the middle' due to it's proclivity for ending the existence of those who hold the title. Rahman was an assistant manager at a small electronics store in Islamabad at the time of his 'promotion', but was instantly fired by his boss, a man said to be unsympathetic to the cause.

"Rahman was quite surprised when al-Qaeda made the announcement," said his mother Sally. "He had only sent in his membership application back in June and hadn't even had the opportunity to be a noble foot soldier yet. I told him 'Rahman, no good can come of this, they're killing number twos quicker than they can appoint them', but you know how boys are. He was really looking forward to growing a beard, and I guess he saw this as an opportunity to make a name for himself."

Ironically, Rahman failed, handing in his dinner pail during a news cycle dominated by more exciting disasters such as Hurricane Irene and the candidacy of Rick Perry. There is also a growing tendency to not give a shit about any further victories in the War on Terror until they can be presided over by a Republican president.

"He was always such a quiet boy, and he had those big brown eyes," said a long-time neighbor of Rahman's family. "Of course, everyone in Pakistan has big brown eyes, but his always seemed bigger. And browner, if such a thing is possible. Maybe I'm just being emotional about his unexpected appearance on the worm buffet, but I can't help but feel that if he hadn't assumed room temperature he might have talked some sense into those al-Qaeda people. He used to cut my grass, and all he asked for in return was a glass of water and a few rupees to buy bullets."

Vacation Comix

2011-08-26T14:03:00.001-07:00

Whoa! Did you see that shot, Reggie?

Sure did, boss. You really knocked the hell out of that one. You know, the green is just about sixty yards up ahead...

You didn't happen to see where my ball went, did you?

I'm not sure, but it looked like it blew right off of the island.

Huh. The wind must have picked it up. Guess I'd better go with a three iron.

Yeah, whatever... Uh oh, here comes the man.

Mister President, I believe it's imperative that you get off of Martha's Vineyard right away. It's starting to get pretty grim outside.

Eh, it's not that bad. I've still got the wind at my back for the next two holes, and then we can skip ahead to the ninth.

It's my job to ensure your safety, sir. I'm going to have to insist that you prepare for immediate departure.

You're a good man, Agent Smith, but nobody's going to make me leave this island until my vacation is over.

We're going to have to insist that you prepare for immediate departure, Mister President.

Read my lips - No. Negatori. Nyet. Not gonna happen.

We were afraid this might happen, and so we brought someone who might be able to convince you to cooperate.

Barack, for God's sake, listen to Agent Smith. We've got to leave right away. There's a hurricane coming.

Aww, honey, just think of how disappointed the kids would be...

Sasha is hiding under the bed and Malia is just sitting at the kitchen table rocking back and forth.

You know what you should do? Take them down to Martin Square for an ice cream cone.

I can see that we're going to have to use the secret weapon. Send in the Veep.

I'm sorry, boss. The jig is up. We've got Copter 1 waiting - you're going to have to leave.

Joe, Joe, think of what you're saying. If I leave Martha's Vineyard, the terrorists will have won.

You mean the Republican terrorists that didn't want you to take a vacation? Forget about them. This could be the biggest thing to hit the east coast in decades and you need to be back in Washington.

But the... the presidency travels with me. I can do everything here that I could back there.

Not if your communications network is knocked out, you can't. Now let's go. There will be other vacations in the future.

Boss, the wind just blew your hat halfway down the fairway. Want me to see if someone can catch it?

Nah, Reggie, why even bother?

Toledo Rotary Club Town Hall

2011-08-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

"...and now that it looks like everybody has been served, I'd like to welcome our very special guest to the Toledo Rotary Club for the first of what I hope will become a tradition of Town Hall luncheons. Please say hello to the tanned and tearful Speaker of the House, the honorable John Boehner."

"Thank you for the introduction, Tim, although I must say I don't feel at all tearful today, being back in the great city of Toledo. Is everybody enjoying their lunch? No? Well, what can you expect for fifty bucks... When I was first starting out, they used to call this the rubber chicken circuit, but what our chef has prepared today certainly can't be called rubber chicken. No, I think it was a pork chop, I'm not quite sure. But it was delicious, and served just the way I like it - room temperature with a nice bottle of water. I kid, I kid, but Jesus Christ, Tim, for fifty bucks a head you ought to be able to put together something edible."

"If I can just point out one thing, Mister Speaker, yours was complimentary."

"Yes it was, Tim, and for that I'm most grateful. Now before I start taking questions, I'd like to make a few brief remarks to this distinguished gathering. There has been a bit of brouhaha in the press lately about the fact that many Republican candidates are charging to attend our Town Hall meetings this year, and I'd like to point out that this is not only the way that real government works, but it's a darn effective way to keep the riff-raff out. At least most of the riff-raff. I say that because I see my old friend Herb Peterson is here today. How's that carton manufacturing business going lately, Herb?"

"Not too good, John. I had to declare Chapter 7 in May."

"Damn that Obama. Still, it can't be too bad if you can still cough up fifty bucks to attend my Town Hall."

"I thought I might have an opportunity to ask you for a job."

"And so you shall, Herb, during the question and answer period. If I call on you. But Tim brings up a good point - a number of hard working Americans are complaining that they're having difficulty making ends meet. Sometimes they complain just a little too darn vociferously, which is one of the reasons for holding these closed Town Halls where I can get together with my constituents in an environment with a certain amount of dignity. And so again, thank you for having me here, and I guess I'm about ready for my first question. Yes, Mister Franklin... Frazenpupil... I hope I'm pronouncing that right."

"Close enough. I was wondering if there were any conditions under which you would ever raise taxes."

"Good question, Frank, and the short answer is no way in hell. But there are scenarios under which I would allow tax breaks to expire, such as the payroll tax break that will end in December."

"I hope that doesn't indicate a willingness on your part to allow the tax cuts on income over $250,000 to expire."

"Heavens no, Mister... Grecklebuger. My goodness, there are some interesting names here today..."

"Yeah, like Boehner."

"No offense meant, Horatio. I've had my name pronounced every way in the book. My point is that allowing the upper class tax cuts to expire is a selective tax increase, which makes it a form of class welfare. Allowing the payroll tax cut to rise, on the other hand, is a shared sacrifice which affects us all equally, and let's face it, with this deficit as high as it is, that's a sacrifice all Americans should be willing to make. Mister, uh, Guido Bigatonlionskioni."

"My friends just call me Mister Big. I import Italian shoes for a living. My concern is that any increase in taxes for the lower and middle classes would make it harder for my customers to buy."

"Well for goodness sakes, Mister Big, Italian shoes can hardly be considered a necessity. I would suggest that you augment your product line with some cheap knock-offs from Singapore. You could really improve your margin and keep your less affluent customers happy."

"Hey, good idea, I never thought of that."

"I suppose that's the reason I'm Speaker of the House and you're a shoe salesman."

"Mister Speaker, could you..."

"I'm sorry, Herb, I called on you earlier. Mister John Smith... Huh... is that your real name?"

"That's right, rub it in that I don't have a big fancy name like everybody else. I guess you don't care anything about the poor."

"I'll take that as a question, John. No, I don't care a whole hell of a lot. In fact, these people tend to irritate me. You see, in America, even when times are tough, there's no reason for anybody to remain poor, it's all a state of mind, it's class envy. Do any of you remember Dick Gregory? No? Well, Dick Gregory used to say 'I'm not poor, I'm broke', and that's the right way to think about it. In Obama's America, you've got a good excuse to be broke, but that's something you can fix at the ballot box... Well, they're bringing out pie and coffee, so let me take just one last question. Mister Felix... Schartzbonker."

"Yes, this Dick Gregory fellow... was he a black man?"

latest Gallup news

2011-08-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

The latest Gallup presidential poll has disturbing news for President Obama, showing that if the election were to happen today, it would be totally bogus due to it's being held more than fourteen months early. Nevertheless, if it were to be held outside of the constitutional timeframe, not only would a lot of people forget to vote, but Mitt Romney would defeat Obama 48-46, Rick Perry and Ron Paul would tie him 47-47, and Michele Bachmann would come so close she could almost taste it at 47-44. Gallup did not include other actual or theoretical candidates in their sampling, resulting in a multitude of hurt feelings amongst those who were excluded.

"Holy Hannah, this runnin for president thing is a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be," an exuberant Perry gushed at a South Carolina rally after being informed of the poll. "Two weeks after gettin in I'm already tied with Obama, and I'm bettin that a lot of people don't even know my name yet. Course I'm guessin that it don't really matter as long as my name ain't Obama. I'm a comin for you, Mitt. America's ready for some more good old fashion Texas fundamentalism, and I know you ain't Texan. I don't know if you're a fundamentalist either, but that's a matter between you and your maker, Joseph Smith."

"Governor Perry knows better than to refer to Joseph Smith as my maker," Romney replied in a reassuringly measured tone. "He's simply a prophet, no more and no less, and to suggest otherwise is pure demagoguery on his part. Of course, I'm certain that he doesn't know what that word means, so I'm not holding my breath waiting for an apology. None is really needed, because I see this attack for what it is - jealousy. I'm leading this race and he's stuck back in the pack with crazy old Ron Paul."

Paul immediately responded to Romney's characterization of him as 'old', but as of press time no news outlet had reported on what it was he had to say. Probably something crazy.

"The good news is that Barack Obama is on his way to becoming a one term president," Michele Bachman told a crowd in Iowa, where she has conducted the bulk of her campaign. "Still, I believe that Governor Perry is being overly-optimistic. The people of this great state have already chosen me, and if the rest of the nation decides to send me to Washington in today's election, I promise to be quite magnanimous about it. What? This was only a hypothetical match-up? Whew, that's good news - I should have plenty of time to catch up."

"Happy days, America," tweeted Sarah Palin. "Looks like I don't need to make my mind up before November."

Farewell Address

2011-08-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

"People of Libya, those of you who are still able to get a decent signal on your televisions sets and are sitting on your backsides like cabbages while Tripoli is under siege - you ought to be very ashamed of yourselves. I addressed you mere hours ago, beseeching you to fight the rebels till your last drop of blood had watered the desert, and there you are watching the TV. It is clear to me that you are on hallucinatory pills that have been put into your milk and your Nescafe, and are now riding in the taxis of Al Jadeeda. The only other possibility is that you secretly hope for the collapse of the government of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, and that is a possibility that I refuse to accept so I am sticking with my taxis of Al Jadeeda theory."

"At any rate, your trepidation over joining the battle is causing me great distress. Your drug induced inaction has led to a situation where the rebels now stand in the outskirts of Tripoli. They are in the streets of the suburb of Janzour, which is within our broadcast area, and they could be outside of your very door. If this is indeed the case, please call 911-435-7669 and we will dispatch a soldier as soon as one becomes available. Of course, that will be of no assistance if your roof is currently on fire or if the rebels have already slaughtered you like a dog. Again, that number is 911-HELP-NOW."

"As an alternative, you may wish to try and sober up and actually consider helping now, as your nation is under attack and your assistance would be greatly appreciated. To illustrate my point, how many of you are familiar with Khamis Brigade? Yes, the big base due west of Tripoli where we keep a large portion of Libya's weapons. Guess who controls Khamis Brigade now? It is most certainly not me - is this the face of a man who controls Khamis Brigade? No it is not. As further evidence of our need for your immediate assistance, I might point to the refinery in Zawiya which supplies Tripoli with all of it's gas and oil. I think you know exactly where I am going with that, do you not?"

"You too can make a difference. All you need to do is pick up a weapon and commence slaying rebels. Please, for the love of Allah, pick up a weapon now. I leave you now, hopefully not for the last time, with disturbing words from a man who used to have kind things to say about the Guide of the Revolution, American Senator John McCain. Today he faced the nation and said 'we will soon be rid of a guy who has practiced the worst kind of brutalities'. People of Libya, he was talking about me, and his voice contained not a iota of jocularity. He said that it would be a matter of hours. John McCain is a man known throughout the world for his prognosticatory abilities, and his words are not to be taken lightly, so please, pick up a weapon today and fight until the last drop of blood... Good night and good luck."

undercover candidate

2011-08-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

In an amazing admission, Michele Bachmann yesterday revealed the true story behind her five year stint of suing recalcitrant taxpayers taxpayer as a lawyer/agent for the reviled Internal Revenue Service.

"We change the economy by changing the tax code," she told supporters at a rally in North Carolina, before shouting out a sure-fire winner of a rhetorical question.. "How many of you love the IRS?" Nary a soul in the massive throng shouted out an affirmative response, or even raised a reluctant hand, so Michele was free to continue unencumbered by anyone who might disagree with her supposition.

"No! It’s time to change it," she exclaimed, letting those words ring a bit before making her astounding revelation. "I went to work in that system because the first rule of war is ‘know your enemy.’ So I went to the inside to learn how they work because I wanted to beat them."

The audience sat in shocked silence for a moment before reflexively genuflecting. A moment earlier the crowd had thought of her as a disgruntled former employee - now they understood that before them stood undercover agent Michele Bachmann.

"I understood many years ago that there would arise a time when we would need good men and women with the understanding necessary to dismantle the corporate welfare state and replace it with a pure corporate state," Bachman explained. "At the IRS, I sucked their knowledge up. I drank their milkshake. There is no other candidate alive that has the tools and experience that I have. What is essential in war is victory, not prolonged operations. That is another rule of war from Sun Tzu, I believe it's rule number nine. For those of you who might not know, Sun Tzu was a very wise Chinese general from back in the days before China turned Communist."

Bachmann also revealed that she was in possession of other esoteric knowledge which she claimed would help Tea Party Dominionists to reclaim the seven mountains of society.

"People think that it's easy to just waltz in and become a tax attorney at the IRS, but there are many perils along the way," Bachmann told the ever more appreciative multitudes. "When I first got my degree, I immediately sent them my resume, and in less than two weeks they offered me a job. However, in my haste, I had applied to the wrong IRS, which quickly became apparent. The first day they asked me if I wanted to meet the police, and I naturally said sure, I love our hard working law enforcement officers. But when we reached the meeting room, it was The Police, not the police. It suddenly hit me why there were so many record posters on the walls. But I don't regret a thing. Sting turned out to be very nice and now I am the only candidate running who has the requisite skills to write a hit record."

Go Hoyas! No, seriously Hoyas, GO!

2011-08-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

The Goodwill Games between the Georgetown Hoyas and various Chinese basketball teams went horribly awry last night when rioting broke out on the court between the Hoyas and Beijing's Bayi Rockets. Both punches and chairs were freely thrown, and the spectators got into the spirit of things by lobbing full water bottles.

"That was crazy, and then it started getting scary when I realized the Chinese don't have plastic water bottles," said Center Henry Sims. "I gotta admit, that was the worst I've ever been fouled."

It might have been the worst, but it wasn't the only foul of the night. By halftime, there had been a total of 39 fouls called, with Georgetown being charged with 28 of them. "Maybe it's just me, but I think the Chinese referees might have been a little biased," said guard Jason Clark. "I don't know, I was charged with two different fouls for running into their player's fists. Maybe that's just Beijing rules, but it didn't seem fair to me."

Signs of trouble were everywhere. During the first half, Rocket forward Xu Zhonghao approached Hoyas coach John Thompson while he was giving his players instructions and started berating him.

"I couldn't believe that young whippersnapper," Thompson said after the game. "I've been berated by the best of them, but when you're insulted in Chinese, it seems to sound twice as harsh. And his coach was just standing there across the court snickering."

"I should have realized the potential for trouble when the center for the Rockets team said that they were going to stomp us," continued Thompson. "I guess I just wrote it off as Chinese trash talk. We had a little trouble earlier in the game, but then I really started getting worried when I saw the Rocket's coach piling up metal chairs out past the perimeter. That's a bad sign in almost any country."

The entire Hoyas organization ended up fleeing the stadium under a barrage of water bottles with the game tied and eight minutes to go. They were scheduled to play one final game in Shanghai, but Thompson was noncommittal. "I don't know," he mused, "I think I may be just about out of goodwill."

an open letter from Rick Perry

2011-08-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, Mister Paul, it's not just your imagination, the media really is ignoring you. And I'm going to ignore you too, just as soon as I finish this letter. It's not your fault, not at all. You really have done a heck of a job putting a face on the Libertarian movement, and I believe that before you entered politics - what, thirty-five years ago? - you delivered over 4,00 babies, enough to qualify you for the prestigious Stork Award. And you've certainly made a heck of a case for bringing back the gold standard. LOL, as Sarah Failin' would say.

The fact, though, is that the greatest president in our lifetime... Wait, let me rephrase that, the president with the greatest handlers in our lifetime, was sixty-nine when he took office and he was already getting more than a little feeble in the head. From what I've heard he was a real handful, raising taxes, raising the debt limit about a thousand times, even appointing Alan Greenspan, the inventor of TARP, to the Federal Reserve. The presidency is clearly no office for old men.

Now it hasn't escaped my notice that you'll be turning seventy-six on Saturday, so happy birthday old fella. May you have many more, although I sincerely doubt it. Far be it from me to suggest that you're already as senile as Reagan was when he hung it up, but I haven't heard anybody else yammering on about how it wouldn't matter if Iran was to have a nuclear device. Good God, man, what are we supposed to do for enemies? Taking out those anti-Zionists could be one hell of a boon to our economy if you know what I mean, and I know that you do, cause if my math is correct, you're old enough to remember WWII. At any rate, you must have read about it.

Like Reagan proved, being a relic from a bygone era is not necessarily a handicap to electability. Hell, with the right handlers, you could probably even spin your legalization of heroin bit. Make it a state's rights issue, that's what I'd do, and let me tell you something, hoss, I don't even have a handler.

No, the reason you're never going to be president is that nobody wants a Whiner-in-Chief. I saw you on FOX News yesterday crying about how the media was ignoring you - seems like kind of a bizarre thing to say when you're talking to Hannity, but you're right, you're right. They are ignoring you, but not because of you're crazy eyes. The media eats that up, just look at Sister Bachmann if you doubt it. You've outlived your shelf life, that's your problem, so if you want my advise (and I know you don't), get out of the race now while you've still got some dignity left. Nah, ignore that. It's already a little too late.

Sincerely yours,

Rick Perry

Ryan mulls it over

2011-08-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

"...so the top graph pretty much speaks for itself in regards to our economic outlook, and what it says is I give up, please stop torturing me with your infernal spending. The bottom chart is consumer confidence since the onset of the Obama presidency - up and down, up and down, it looks like the EKG of somebody having a heart attack, doesn't it? I could explain that to you in more detail, but why would you listen to a lowly congressman like me? You need someone important to explain it, somebody like a presidential candidate. I just pray to God that at least one of the candidates is able to do that for America."

Now that the thrill of Rick Perry's announcement has worn away and America feels a little sullied by the whole thing, the need arises for a new Conservative candidate to arise and rinse our collective shame away in the tepid bathwater of true financial understanding. The unspeakably dreadful news is that Paul Ryan is starting to lose hope.

"Look, the way I see 2012, we owe it to the country to let them choose the path they want our country to take," Ryan tells the Weekly Standard, his dejection deep enough to make him forget the rules about combining a singular noun with a plural pronoun. "I just have yet to see a strong and principled articulation of the kind of limited government, opportunity society path that we would provide as an alternative to the Obama cradle to grave welfare state... Unlike me, these guys, they don't even understand how to plot a path to an opportunity society. I'm not happy to say that, but it's true."

The way the Weekly Standard explains it, Paul Ryan is not only a man who knows how to plot a heck of a path to an opportunity society, but also a man who has stood on the rim of an enormous cliff and pondered the snake dive into the raging river below as a perfect metaphor for a presidential run. The vision so frightened him that he walked away really, really fast, although never breaking into a run because he realized that would suggest panic. Then one day his fiscal mentor Mitch Daniels shocked the world by saying he would not be a candidate, and Ryan stopped in his tracks. Slowly he turned, step by step, inch by inch, until he stood once again on the lip of Niagara Falls.

"People want me to jump?" asks Ryan, not at all surprised by the news. "Well, I keep hearing that and I can't blame them. But you know me, Cautious Paul. There's rocks down there and I could bash my brains out. You know my story and you know my answer - and I haven’t changed it.

"Still," he concludes a moment later, "there's fifteen months left." And so a new savior appears on the horizon, one that has vindicated the Weekly Standard and given them the right to conclude their piece with these prophetic words: "No one close to Ryan will say that he has made a decision to run. He is using this family vacation - almost two weeks [sic] away from Washington—to give serious thought to diving off of that cliff."

Gentlemen (and ladies)...

2011-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

...if I were you, I would suggest just pressing play, keeping this
window open for the next eleven minutes, and having a fine
soundtrack for whatever else you want to do.

Tragedy in Iowa

2011-08-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

"Welcome back to 'This Week' from the ABC News department, such as it is. I'm Jake Tapper, and I'm talking to Michele Bachmann, winner of the all important Iowa Straw Poll, as well as Tim Pawlenty, who in spite of his distant third place finish, is the presumed loser. How can that be, Governor?"

"It's relatively simple, Jake. Rick Perry just got in the race yesterday, so he wasn't on the ballot, Mitt Romney didn't run in the state, so of course neither of those guys can be considered the loser. Newt was already considered a loser, so he hardly counts. Huntsman and McCotter, nobody knows those guys."

"The same could be said about you, Governor. I mean, people knew you were running, but you hardly made an impression."

"Touché, Jake. Santorum and Herman Cain were winners by virtue of exceeding expectations. Jeez, I can't believe that Rick Santorum nearly beat me."

"That is pretty sad. Congresswoman Bachmann, you appear to be beaming, as opposed to that brave little smile Governor Pawlenty is forcing."

"I am beaming, Jake, beaming for the people of Iowa and beaming for the people of America who want me to take their country back. But the truth is, I put in a lot of hard work in order to win the Straw Poll."

"I put in a lot of hard work too, Michele. I've been eating nothing but corn dogs and barbecue for weeks now, and I spent up all of my campaign money..."

"Aww, bless your heart... I've got to run and do FOX News Sunday now, Jake, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to drop by and gloat."

"It seemed like an amusing idea, Congresswoman, like the Greek faces of tragedy and comedy. And now here I am, left with just the face of tragedy. Where do you go from here, Governor?"

"I tell you where I'm not going, Jake, and that's back to Iowa. As soon as I finish this segment I'm heading to a Ruth's Criss Steak House for a nice fillet. I need to get this Hawkeye taste out of my mouth. Do you know that I actually ate fried butter last week?"

"It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Do you still see a possible path to the nomination?"

"No, I really don't, Jake. No path at all. The fact is that I'm simply too nice to win."

"I could have told you that, Governor. I think it was pretty apparent back at the first debate when you refused to use the word Obamneycare."

"You couldn't be more right about that, Jake. If I didn't have the balls to repeat a silly phrase like that, you've got to wonder what I was even doing in the ring with Michele Bachmann."

"I've wondered that very thing."

"Well, wonder no more, Jake. We needed to get some lift out of Iowa to have a path forward and... That didn’t happen, so I’m announcing this morning on your show that I’m going to be ending my campaign for president."

"That's an ABC news exclusive, albeit a boring one."

"I wanted to make the announcement on FOX News Sunday, but they were all..."

"All booked up. I know, Governor, but I do want to thank them for the use of Congresswoman Bachmann. What now? Do you go back home and hope the phone will ring, you know, that someone will offer you the vice presidency slot."

"I guess in all honesty the answer is no, Jake. As you might remember, I was considered the leading candidate for VP under John McCain, and then he dropped me at the last moment for Sarah Palin. So I suppose that I'm pretty much dead meat, politically speaking."

"And I guess that leave us with nothing more to say except thank you for doing the show."

"Thanks for having me, Jake."

Perry announces, plunges

2011-08-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

"I do not accept the path that America is on," declared Texas governor Rick Perry during the surprise announcement that he would be running for the Republican presidential nomination. And right as the rain that he is either unable or unwilling to provide for the parched people of the Lone Star State, there was a perfectly good reason that he could not accept this path - because, as he explained at considerable length, "a renewed nation needs a renewed president, preferably one with the fashion savvy to effortlessly combine cowboy boots with a really nice blazer, but the good common sense to not rub it in by adding one of those string ties favored by the people of my native land."

The two hour and twenty minute announcement went perfectly, without a single outbreak of gunfire from the South Carolina (?) supporters who waited patiently for him to finish talking and serve them the barbecue which was surely their due. And yet, when it was finally over, an instant Rasmussen poll found that Perry's approval ratings had plunged by nearly half and his ranking amongst the other potential candidates had nosedived from 15 percent to 6.

"Part of his fall can probably be summed up as simple Perry fatigue," speculated FOX News anchor Bret Baier. "Here at FOX, we made the decision to stick with his announcement to the bitter end, but by the ninety minute mark, even we were going split screen so we could show footage of Sarah Palin eating fried butter at the Iowa state fair."

"Not impressed," opined Texas congressman Joe Barton. "I've got one question for Rick Perry - where is the rain? Just where is the rain, Governor? Instead of running for president, you should be petitioning the Lord with prayer."

"That boy can do some talking, can't he?" said Dallas native Betty Jo Johnson. "We Texans are notorious for talking big, but we don't trust a man who talks long. We figure they're trying to bore you into submission so they can pull the wool over your eyes and rob you blind."

"Hey, where's my wallet?" chimed in Betty's husband Charlie.

"Over two hours of yakking and I didn't hear him mention secession once," said Minnesota Tea Party patriot Billy Bupkis. "I think Rick Perry showed his true colors today. This is a man who clearly has no interest in seeing his country descend into chaos and disorder. I guess I was supposed to be impressed when he pulled out his pistol, but all I could think was Holy crap, the dude is wearing French cuffs."

one day at the fair...

2011-08-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

"Next in line... Hello, little girl. What can I do for you?"

"You can get this creepy man to take his hands off me."

"Hey mister, leave the kid alone. Anything else, little girl?"

"Yes, I want a pork chop on a stick."

"Uh huh, and I want a Swedish massage. You got six dollars?"

"I'm not going to pay to give you a massage."

"You got a smart mouth on you, kid. Next in line... Hey, buddy, what were you doing touchin' that smart-mouth kid? You a pervert or somethin'?"

"No, no, I was feeling woozy and just grabbed her for support... I was just across the way, viewing the butter cow, and then one of the locals bet me I couldn't eat fried butter on a stick... and the next thing I knew my heart was racing..."

"One of the locals, huh? That's a funny way to talk. You one of those presidential candidates or somethin'?"

"Indeed I am. I'm Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah, and I'm running for the Republican presidential nomination."

"You got a smart mouth on you, mister. Ain't nobody by the name of Huntsman runnin' for president. Next in line."

"No, really I am. See that boom mike over my head?"

"That is a tad suspicious... If you runnin' for president, how come I ain't seen you before?"

"Well, that's because I haven't been in Iowa before. As a matter of fact I'm only here now for the debate tonight, and I thought, guess I might as well go see the butter cow."

"She's a real beauty, ain't she? Might be the best butter cow we ever had at the fair."

"Definitely the best I've ever seen... I really need something to get rid of this fried butter taste. What do you have to eat?"

"You got a real smart mouth on you, don't you? We got pork chops. On sticks."

"I guess... let me have a pork chop on a stick."

"I ain't gonna let you have one, but I'll sell you one for six bucks. You got six dollars?"

"Sure, sure, here you go."

"All righty, then. Let me see if I can fix you up... Reckon I'll be seein' a lot of you, now that you decided to run for president."

"No, not really. I don't plan on campaigning in Iowa."

"Don't plan on campignin' in Iowa? That's crazy talk. If everybody thought like you, I'd never get a free breakfast. You don't like Iowa or somethin'?"

"It seems to be a very nice state, but I don't support ethanol subsidies, so I figure it would be a wasted effort."

"You don't support ethanol subsidies? I reckon you must be one of those big government liberals who think you got a right to interfere with our livelihoods by comin' in here and takin' away our ethanol subsidies. You got a real smart mouth on you, buddy, real smart. Here's your six dollars. Next in line."

"Wait, I really need something to eat."

"You might be able to get Gladys in the next booth down to sell you a fried Twinkie if you can learn to keep your mouth shut."

King of All Peters

2011-08-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

Republican House Chair of the Homeland Security Peter King sat down with the Sunday papers this weekend and was stunned by what he found inside - an attempt by Hollywood liberals to possibly portray Barack Obama in a positive light.

King read in horror about the left-wing director Kathryn Bigelow, Oscar winner for 'The Hurt Locker', and her plot to release a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden mere weeks before the 2012 presidential election. He knew at once the frightening implication - the Obama administration was obviously passing along highly classified information about the nation's most sensitive military operations.

"You bet your boots this calls for a big-time investigation, and I'm just the guy to lead it" said the angry congressman. "There is wrongdoing afoot here - my scrutinizing senses are tingling like a pocket rocket.

"I was right in the middle of my investigation into New York Times subversive Maureen Dowd when I stumbled onto her shocking story about possible wrong-doing by the president," revealed the Peter King. "These people, these left-wing so-called journalists, they don't think that a real conservative is going to pay attention to the sort of propaganda they write, but they don't realize that some of us are ever vigilant, even on Sunday mornings. Dowd made the amateurish mistake of revealing in print Obama's nefarious plot to pump up his bonafides right before a national election. This film is an attempt to make him look decisive and competent, and that is not an option that the American people can afford to take lightly."

"It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to find that they intend to have someone like Will Smith, someone the public has come to love and trust, play the part of Obama. And I'll bet that Joe Biden will be played by Harrison Ford. Insidious, yes, but that wouldn't surprise me one iota. These are people that have no sense of shame."

like Orson Welles in 1970

2011-08-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

Perhaps my most legitimate complaint about the fairness of life is the paucity of awards and honorifics bestowed upon me, a condition which has left me loathe to ignore one, even if it's acceptance will require some small labor on my part.

And so I am compelled to respond to the recognition afforded me by World of Crap - a wonderful blog which is nearly as long in the tooth as FGAQ but none the worse for wear - of the apparently prestigious Liebster Blog award. To demonstrate that I can cut and past every bit as well as WOC's Scott C, I shall quote his quote from Ivan at Thrilling Days of Yesteryear:

“Liebster,” in the German and Spanish vernacular, means “beloved”…According to the Liebster Blog Award guidelines, I’m to link to the blog what gave me the award and then pass it on to five equally worthy candidates.

Well, that doesn't seem too hard, so here, in no particular order, are five blogs/bloggers which I've regarded with affection for long enough that the relationship can no longer be considered platonic.

Urantian Sojourn - Terry, Propogandee, and Michael are not only surprisingly literate, witty, and knowledgeable about even more than two or three things, they have some of the best graphic skills going. Every time I visit, I marvel that the experience is free, and yet, there is nary a Paypal button in sight.

driftglass - The situation is reversed 180° for driftglass, who offers you the opportunity to donate with each and every offering. The truth is that his work is even worthier of your fiscal gifts than David Fucking Brooks, but it's amazing how easy those little buttons are to ignore.

thestain - Loving Katy is not easy work, and I've been laboring at it for a long time. She will go for weeks without posting one of her hilariously misanthropic pieces, and just when you've given up, there it is, a delicious all you can eat buffet of cruelty.

Zen Comix - Dave cruelly keeps most of his output under wraps these days, attempting to sell it for cash money (the pig), but sometimes he just can't help himself and a stray panel or two will suddenly appear like spring crocuses.

Mock, Paper, Scissors - Tengrain's blog is a wonderfully designed space reminiscent of the late, great Spy Magazine, and that is high praise indeed.

Playing with My Food - For years, I used to read Washington Post sportswriter (now TV personality!) Tony Kornheiser even if he was writing about something I didn't care a rat's ass for, like hockey. Which is kind of how I feel about my buddy Paul H's blog, which consists of dissertations on topics like, uh, smoked meats and artichoke hearts.

Okay, that's six (one more beyond the call of duty), although you could go with pretty much anyone on my blogroll and still have a good time. Now which way do I go for the awards party? And what do you mean BYOB?

renewed resolve

2011-08-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

"As Bob Dylan once sang 'Better stay away from those that carry round a fire hose. Keep a clean nose, watch the plain clothes -
You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows'. Today he would probably amend that with 'you don't need a rating agency to tell you we need a balanced, long-term approach to deficit reduction:' That was true last week, that was true last year, that was true the day Dylan first sang it. You don't need a rating agency to tell you that the gridlock in Washington over the last several months has not been constructive to say the least. And you don't need a rating agency to tell you that the pump don't work cause the vandals took the handles."

"I realize that after what we just went through, some might feel skepticism that Republicans and Democrats will be able to reach a compromise. My hope is that Friday's news from the mighty S&P gods will give us a renewed sense of urgency. That's my hope, but as Sarah Palin so astutely pointed out, that hopey changey thing isn't working out all that well for me."

"So it's not a lack of plans or policies that are the problem here, it's a lack of political will in Washington. It's the insistence on drawing lines in the sand – a refusal to put what's best for the country ahead of narrow self-interest or party or ideology. And that's what we need to change. But you know, I don't think we're going to be able to change that at a time when the main goal of the Republicans is to defeat me in the next election. That's why I've decided to sit this one out."

"It is without a doubt late in the day to decide that I'm not going to run for reelection. Members of my own party might argue that they won't have time to launch a viable campaign, but there are still five months before the first primary, so it's not completely hopeless. Some of my GOP critics will probably celebrate, saying this gives them a lock on the 2012 elections. Be that as it may, I think this move will clearly signal just how serious I am about rescuing this country's financial fundamentals and finally putting people back to work. This is my grand compromise, and I call on Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell and particularly John Boehner to make the same pledge to assure America that we are giving our full effort to finding solutions. I would call on Harry Reid to do the same, but seeing as he's not up for reelection next year, I realize that it would be a futile gesture."

"With the obstacle of our incumbency removed, we shall now be able to concentrate on negotiation intensely and exhaustively. We will negotiate the issues that face us daily, every day from now until November 2012 if necessary. Weekends, too, with only Christmas and Thanksgiving off. If one of us becomes ill, we will negotiate at the hospital, and if something arises that requires the president's attention, we've always got Joe. I am setting aside living quarters in the White House for when sleepovers prove necessary, and I intend to..."

"Speaker Boehner, Mister Blankfein will see you now... Speaker Boehner? Are you okay?"

"Oh, fine, Mary. I just kind of dozed off there while listening to Obama's remarks."

"Sweet dreams, I hope."

"No, Mary, it was more like a nightmare."

blameless

2011-08-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

With America enjoying the relief associated with no longer having to worry about a possible credit downgrade, Republican leadership got right to work on the single most important issue at hand - avoiding any remote suggestion that they might deserve even a scintilla of blame for the the fall from grace with the great gods S and P (deities so fearsome that their full names are rarely spoken aloud).

"The first time I met the president, just a couple days after his inauguration, I tried to explain to him my plan to reduce the deficit," House Majority Leader told the Wall Street Journal in an interview with the fair and balanced headline of 'Obama and the Narcissism of Big Differences'. "He just looked at me with that smug and smarmy little smile of his and says 'Young Eric, elections have consequences and I won'. I was too stunned to reply, 'yeah, Bozo, you might have won, but the rest of us lost'. And now it's easy to see how prophetic my unsaid words would have been, for he has managed to destroy our precious AAA credit rating and plunge us into the hell that is an AA+. Well, I did all I could, but sometimes one man can't make a difference."

Cantor did allow that there was a point where it appeared that progress was being made in negotiations because Biden and Boehner established a rapport, agreeing "not to get flared up over philosophical differences."

"Rapport, what a vile word," spat Cantor. "You might as well call it agreement to surrender, because that's what the Speaker was ready to do. What a piece of work. The other side wanted revenues, they were relentless about it. Can you imagine anything crazier than raising taxes at a time where our credit rating has been downgraded to a double A plus? Now we're going to need tax cuts more than ever."

"Young Eric has a big ego and an even bigger mouth," replied Speaker Boehner. "I guess we all remember who it was that was trying to achieve a grand bargain of four trillion and make changes in our runaway entitlement programs, and it wasn't anybody that might be nicknamed four-eyes. Sure, there was a revenue component, but it really wasn't much to write home about, just closing a few loopholes. It was four trillion dollars, and four trillion is exactly what the exalted Stand... whoops, I almost said their name aloud, but that's what the S&P gods wanted, and you should not deny them their due."

"Look, in the judgment they rendered upon us, S&P said that our governance and policymaking ha become less stable, effective and predictable. They said the threat of default had become a political bargaining chip in the debate over fiscal policy, and I sure don't think you've ever heard me threatening default, unlike a certain four-eyed whippersnapper I could mention."

"I'm listening here. I am not a four-eyed whippersnapper," responded a petulant Michele Bachmann.

"That's the House for you, always squabbling," chuckled Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "I myself said that our tactics in the debt limit negotiations were the new template and that you could expect us to use them again and again. So as you can see, there's more than enough blame to go around, although I am perfectly content to assign it all to President Obama."

crash

2011-08-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

"Hello... Hello? Anybody on the line?"

"...sigh... Good afternoon, Mister President, this is Speaker Boehner... sigh."

"Oh, hi John. What's up? Calling to tell me how anxious you are to do some more negotiating? Ready to take another hostage?"

"...sigh... No..."

"I'll bet you're calling to rib me about getting old, aren't you? Yeah, I hit the big 5-0 today."

"Well, I hit the big 6-0 a couple of years ago, so 50 doesn't sound that bad to me right now...sigh...I guess..."

"What's the matter, John? You're off for a month, I thought you'd be out and about, hitting the links. Aren't you enjoying vacation?"

"I'm not all that big on vacations... sigh... We've got a real problem, Mister President."

"We've got a lot of real problems. Any one in particular?"

"Surely you must be toying with me... The market...it's really tanking."

"I know, it's brutal. Five hundred points today, a thousand over the past couple weeks. Part of it's a natural correction, but it's really being exacerbated by the mess in Europe. Then of course there's your consumer deleveraging, global commodity pricing, the overheating in China, and a new natural disaster or crisis nearly every week. But just try explaining that to people."

"Our friends on Wall Street...sigh...they're telling me to do something about it."

"They are? Well whatcha gonna do, John?"

"I'm calling you."

"Oh? You know there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. I don't have a magic wand."

"I was kind of hoping you did..."

"Well, I don't. What would you do if you were president?"

"I always find tax breaks are a good confidence builder..."

"Uh huh..."

"Our friends on Wall Street really really like them, but I suppose that you wouldn't be interested, would you? Not even for the good of the country."

"Not really."

"Maybe you could go on the TV, give a little pep talk..."

"John, I'm trying to enjoy my birthday right now."

"I know you also enjoy going on television, and this evening would be an idea time. I'm sure the networks would okay it."

"I've got a lot of friends here waiting for me..."

"You could tell the people to go back to their normal investing. You know, like after 9/11, when Bush told everyone to just carry on with their normal behavior."

"Of course nobody did. Oh man, you should smell the chicken."

"What is that? Some sort of weird metaphor?"

"They're grilling chicken outside, John."

"So I'm supposed to tell our friends on Wall Street that Obama grilled chicken while the market burned?"

"Yes, tell them that... I gotta go, John. I just heard a burger calling my name."

"Okay...sigh...Well... happy birthday..."

Congress not broken!

2011-08-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

Following the non-nailbiter of a Senate vote to hand over all of the money to the GOP muggers in exchange for raising the debt ceiling and allowing summer vacation to begin, the always optimistic Harry Reed revealed some really encouraging news - Congress is not broken! Booyah!

"What we have gone through has been extremely difficult, but there was never any consideration the Republic would fall," Reid explained, demonstrating that he had a pretty high threshold on the not-broken standard. "Now, taking the long view, you can look back at 1856. Boy, that was one fucked up Congress. In 1856, there was a congressman from South Carolina by the name of Preston Smith Brooks, and truth be told, he was a bit of a redneck. Probably in modern times he would be affiliated with the Tea Party, but that's just speculation on my part. Anyway, like most southern congressmen of the time, he was pro-slavery."

"At the time, there was a Massachusetts senator by the name of Charles Sumner, and as you might guess from the geography involved here, he was anti-slavery, staunchly so. Well one day, he was giving a little speech and he mentioned Brooks by name, saying that he had taken "a mistress who, though ugly to others, is always lovely to him; though polluted in the sight of the world, is chaste in his sight - I mean, the harlot, slavery." This made Brooks pig-bitin' mad, because if there's one thing that he took great pride in it was never going out with ugly chicks, and he vowed he would avenge this wrong."

"He did. Brooks found Sumner writing at a desk in an almost empty Senate chamber, and confronted him. Harsh words were spoken, but really, not all that many, because after just a few he commenced knocking Sumner upside the head with a gold tipped gutta-percha cane. I don't know how many of you have seen one of those, but take my word, it's not something you would want to be assaulted with. Absolutely not. Well, Sumner fell down and got his head trapped under a desk, but Brooks kept beating him with the cane, everything but his head. Brooks finally got up, only to pass out in a pool of his own blood. He never did really recover from the attack, and even when he was able to return to the Senate three years later he was always extremely skittish."

"Now I know what you're thinking, why didn't anyone try and stop this brutal beating. Several did try, but they were stopped by a friend of Brooks, another redneck South Caroling congressman named Lawrence Keitt who kept them at bay with a pistol. And what action did Congress take against Brooks for his egregious actions? Not expulsion, not censure, but a measly little three hundred dollar fine."

"Then, of course, a few short years later, Congress broke down completely and we had a war that was anything but civil. I think that's a very instructive bit of history. As polarized as Congress my seem now, you need to remember that it could always be even worse."

Tea minus three

2011-07-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

The nation's Congress continued the nation's plunge into ungovernability and political obsolescence today, with Republicans getting ever closer to their aspiration of successfully snatching failure from the jaws of victory through a combination of intractability, partisanship and good old fashion stupidity. In the Senate, Mitch McConnell delivered a letter to Majority Leader Reid containing the names of forty-three senators who promised to prevent his bill from ever ever ever being brought to a vote even though it contained almost all of the concessions they had been asking for.

"Almost is the operative word," chuckled McConnell. "Even though it gives us more than we ever dreamed we could get, it is a pointedly partisan bill which would deny us the opportunity to put Obama and the Democrats through all of this repeatedly over the next year. I have clearly stated that the number one priority for Senate Republicans is to ensure that Obama is a one term president, and in light of that goal, this bill will not stand."

In the House, this reasonable tone of enlightened self-interest was unable to prevail, with Speaker Boehner opting to have a 'symbolic vote' on legislation that will never reach him.

"Symbolism is important, as anyone who has ever seen the great hit movie 'Inception' can readily testify," explained Boehner. "Like most things in real life America, the story takes place almost entirely in dreams. And it's really trippy. The lead, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, is quite obviously a Barack Obama type of character, and we discover that the world he sees as paradise is in reality Limbo. He can't ever really wake up and he never will. Plus, there are a whole lot of phallic symbols, like the skyscrapers that suddenly rise and thrust into the sky, and the trains that appear from nowhere and scare the bejesus out of you. Trains are always phallic symbols. And don't forget that the plot is all about penetrating someone's dream and planting a seed. My god, that movie is full of dicks, and so is the House of Representatives."

break time

2011-07-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

"Oh my God, I can't believe how much this thing stinks."

"I know, Harry, I'm about to gag."

"The sad thing is, my own bill doesn't smell a whole lot better."

"You're being too hard on yourself. I mean, granted that your legislation is an exceedingly generous concession for a Democrat, but it's not foul like this piece of shit."

"Well, that's nice of you to say, Mitch."

"I know, but don't get used to it. This is likely the only concession you'll get from me any time soon."

"I'm sure that's true.. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing it's you and Kyl that have to whip for it."

"I'm not going to twist any arms to wrangle votes for this bull crap. Kyl, maybe, but I... I guess I'll have to, a little... Do me a favor, Harry. Get it to a vote as quickly as you can. Make the suffering as short as possible. I'll owe you."

"Will you owe me enough to support my crappy bill?"

"I don't know, Harry. You know that I've got a crappy bill of my own in play."

"The problem is, Mitch, even if your crappy bill clears the Senate, it's not crappy enough to have a chance in the House."

"You're probably right, Harry. But then I don't know if anything without a balanced budget amendment would be approved."

"Do these morons in the House have any understanding of the fact that while a balanced budget amendment makes a certain amount of sense for a state, it's ludicrous for the nation."

"No they do not, and if you tried to explain it to them, they'd just start bitching and moaning about entrenched bureaucracies."

"It's sad... Well, you ready to get back on the floor and debate some more meaningless bullshit?"

"No, but let's do it."

Newton and Neil

2011-07-28T13:39:00.001-07:00

"Joining us now is the distinguished albeit disgraced former Speaker of the House, Newton Gingrich. Welcome to the show, Mister Speaker."

"Thanks, Neil. If I could just correct one thing - it's plain old Newt. Nobody calls me Newton."

"I do. I think it's funnier, you know, like Fig Newtons? Boy, I'll bet you hear that one a lot."

"No, not too much..."

"I haven't seen you around much lately, but I understand that you're still running for president. Have you intentionally been hiding from the press?"

"Not at all, Neil, it's just that this is the first show that's invited me to be on in the last few weeks. I can't figure it out. You would think that I would be flooded with requests right now."

"No, that's not what I would think. The biggest story of the past few weeks has been the impending financial meltdown, and it probably wouldn't occur to anyone to have Newton Gingrich on to discuss that."

"Newt. My god, Neil, I was Speaker during the greatest government shutdown of modern times."

"You old timers really love talking about the glory days, don't you? I want to talk about comments that..."

"A few days ago I saw you talking to Herman Cain about the debt limit, for Pete's sake."

"Well, why wouldn't I? He's a real businessman, so he knows a thing or two about the topic. But okay, I'll play along with you. What do you think should be done about the debt limit?"

"I think we need to reach a deal and raise it. It's been..."

"Ha. I knew you were going to say that, that's why I didn't even want to ask you for your expert opinion."

"I think we might get a deal by this weekend, although that might not prevent the nation from getting a credit downgrade."

"Uh huh."

"Look, the credit downgrade is baloney; it’s based on Wall Street politics, it's not based on reality."

"That's what we cover on 'Your World with Neil Cavuto, Wall Street and politics. Are you saying this show is baloney?"

"No, what I'm saying is that all this talk of financial Armageddon is an effort to scare the American people."

"I'm not scared. Are you scared?"

"Well, not me personally, but people like our seniors..."

"People like you."

"No, people older than me. People who are afraid that we're going to take away their Social Security and Medicare."

"Well, aren't we?"

"Yes, but not right away. We're talking further down the road."

"I suppose that's okay for you to say, but a lot of our Tea Party friends might not approve of that sort of half-stepping. You've got a lot of nice things, don't you?"

"Uh, why?"

"I saw a clip of you a couple of days ago talking about all your money and how happy you were you could buy nice things. Nice things, that really made me laugh."

"Everybody likes nice things. Don't you?"

"Not from Tiffany's. I've got to ask myself, how many diamonds does one person need?"

"I feel like I've discussed that to death. I really don't have anything further to say on the topic."

"I'm only asking because I just saw a clip of you saying that a couple of days ago, which I thought was pretty funny. I'm like, old Newton is still talking about Tiffany's. Are you saying that you're comfortable talking about it with some third-string reporter in Boston but not with me?"

"Look, Neil, a diamond is a girl's best friend, except, of course, for little Newt... No, no, that's probably ribald, and in fact is not true. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Little Newt possibly might run a distant fourth, and that's distressing too, given Calista's limited number of friends."

"That's funny. You're a funny guest, and I'm glad you're going to be visiting us frequently."

"I am?"

"Oh yes. I talked to Hannity a few days ago and he said that I could have you."

"What do you..."

"When Hannity or O'Reilly get tired of a guest, FOX sometimes let's me have dibbs on the ones I want. You're mine now."

"Oh. Well, I suppose I should say congratulations."

"Thanks. At least it's a step up from Santorum."

From Sarah's Facebook: Good news on the default front

2011-07-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

I was reading the most interesting thing last night and it really shows just how much Obama has been deceiving the American people about this so-called disaster that's supposed to happen on August 2 if we don't raise the debt ceiling. I didn't use the word lying but you can read between the lines cause if it quacks like a duck then that's what it is, particularly if it's got one of those cute orange beaks and waddles around a lot.

The government is not going to run out of money on August 2. I repeat, the government is not going to run out of money on August 2 because that's what some experts say, experts who know a lot more about these thing than Timothy Geithner who should be fired. Like UBS says we're not going to run out until August 8 and Barclays says August 10 and Wells Fargo says we might make it all the way till the end of the month cause there's more money coming in from high taxes than we were le to believe plus there's more coming in all the time.

You know, it's like when you're grieving about the fact that your wallet is empty and your checking account is totally blah and the only thing you really want out of life at the moment is a pizza and a six pack and then suddenly - suddenly - you remember the change jar. You know, the jar or box or whatever where you throw all your pennies and nickels and dimes and maybe even a few quarters so your purse doesn't weigh like a ton? And you don't even want to count it because honestly who has the time?

So you dump it all in a plastic bag and you lug it down to the Walmart where they have one of those Coinstar machines, you know, one of those machines where you dump your change in and it counts it all up and then it gives you a receipt that you give to the girl at the service desk and then they give you money or a gift card? If you take money than the store takes a cut just like the federal government but if you take the gift card you get full value but you probably want to take the money because the pizza at Walmart really isn't very good. So you're watching and the Coinstar is counting the change and showing how much you've got on a little display and all of a sudden you've got enough for a pizza and then a minute later you've got enough for a six pack as well and it just keeps going and going and before you know it you've got like eighty-three dollars plus thirty-two cents that you can use to start a new change jar.

That's just like the federal government, and you know, while they're spending that eighty-three dollars more change is coming in all the time like from all of the high taxes and so you really don't know when you're going to run out of money or even if you're going to run out at all because it's almost like a perpetual motion machine. And then you remember that you haven't even checked your other purses for the change that might be there and especially the closet where Todd hangs his pants because he never empties his pockets and the coins all fall out on the floor. There's your change you can believe in.

endgame

2011-07-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

"Good afternoon. I've called you here to announce my new plan to cut the deficit in return for raising the debt limit, thus avoiding a market catastrophe of unknown magnitude. These are desirable goals, and they would be accomplished in two steps. The first would raise the limit by 900 billion, enough to get us through the year, in exchange for 1.2 trillion in spending cuts. The second is a bit more complicated, and I guess I'm not even going to go into it, because young Eric here tells me that it's got virtually no chance of passing."

"Not virtually no chance, Boehner. No chance."

"So that being the case, I guess we'll just just be getting back to the futility of our work."

"Speak for yourself, old man. My work has been very purpose driven and personally quite productive. I am helping to mold the Republican Party into the political equivalent of John Galt."

[Reporter] "I suppose opposing the Speaker's latest plan will help you to achieve this goal, is that it?"

"You bet it will. Everybody talks about how great Ayn Rand is, but it's almost always just lip service."

[Reporter] "What exactly is your goal, Mister Cantor?"

"My goal is to ensure that John Boehner is a one term Speaker."

"Ironically, my own goal is not all that dissimilar to Young Eric's at this point."

[Reporter] "Not that we heard all of Speaker Boehner's plan, but what specifically did you object to about it?"

"A better question would be what don't I object to about it, but I'll make this brief. It doesn't cut spending nearly enough, it doesn't require cuts to entitlements, and it doesn't have a balanced budget amendment."

[Reporter] "But you've already tried a balanced budget amendment, and it was tabled in the Senate for lack of support."

"Yes, yes it was. They wouldn't even debate..."

"I'll take this Boehner. I'm adding it back in to his inadequate plan. We'll keep his first baby step, but before the money runs out in December, we're going to require the Senate to consider the balanced budget amendment."

"And by 'consider', young Eric means they'll have to vote for it."

"Only if they want any further funding past December."

"And it's a bit of a heavy lift, because it requires that any new taxes or revenues would require a two-thirds majority."

"A coward might call it a heavy lift, but I'd call it a worthwhile gamble. The payoff is enormous."

"The fact is, Majority Leader Cantor has a gun to my back. Literally. Perhaps you might have noticed how he always stands directly behind me."

[Reporter] "What type of firearm is it, Mister Cantor?"

"It's a snubnosed Colt Cobra .38 Special."

"A small gun, but I understand it makes a rather large hole."

"Especially at this range, old man."

"Before I leave, I'd just like to ask if there is anybody here who could help me out... Anybody? Please, for the love of God, somebody rescue me... Nobody? Ah well then, I guess that it's back to the grindstone."

Thank you, Lord, for GM performance technology, not to mention...

2011-07-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

the art of the deal

2011-07-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

Look, if no one has any new ideas, we're going to go through all of the old options again and find something we can work with. I don't want to get up on Monday and watch the market drop 800 points or more.

Nobody wants to see the market plunge, but regrettably, such is their nature in circumstances such as these.

I'm reminded of a poem... There was this thing that couldn't be done, and everybody knew it, so I tackled the thing that couldn't be done, and by god I couldn't do it.

That's a real good poem, Harry.

I don't even know why I'm here....

You're here to help us reach a consensus, Nancy. We're almost out of time to keep the country from plunging into crisis.

I would suggest that we are already out of time, Mister President. You said as much last night. The Senate can't even name a post office in ten days.

There probably won't even be a post office much longer...

I remember how much my daddy used to love hanging out at the post office...

Focus people. We need a solution that is palatable to both parties

Well, we can't raise taxes and we can't cut benefits and we can't hurt the military and there's not enough money anywhere else... We used to be able to do things in the Senate, but I guess those days are gone.

The Tea Party has made it impossible for me to pass anything in the House now, no matter how much you put on the table. Sorry Mister President, they just really want default.

You know, we do have a lot of gold that's just sitting around getting dusty at Fort Knox.

And of course there's our strategic oil reserves.

Oh Lord...

Sell all our pretty things. Our national parks, our public lands...

We could sell the naming rights to our military bases and government buildings...

Why half-step, Harry? Sell the buildings and bases outright.

You all are going to give me no other option than to use the fourteenth amendment, aren't you? You're going to force me to tell Treasury to keep paying the bills irregardless.

I wish you would...

Marvelous idea, Mister President. That will give us the opportunity to spend the next sixteen months talking about impeaching you.

Not as popular with my caucus as a default, but I think they'd go for it. Not that it matters. I guess our work here is done.

It's going to damage our credit and currency immeasurably, but at least it saves us from making a difficult decision. See you later, Mister President.

Bye bye, Mister President. I feel just terrible about this...

John, hang behind for just a minute.

Are you going to yell at me again?

No, I just wanted to bum one of your cigarettes.

Oh, sure thing, Mister President. Here, take the whole pack.

Jihadi Tunes

2011-07-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

From the Department of bad ideas, an al-Qaeda affiliate affectionately known as Abu al-Laith al-Yemen has announced the planned production of an animated film for children. According to the press release on the Jihadist al-Shamouk website, the cartoon will be "a very exciting story that tells the facts about who let down the Islamic religion and the Prophet." (Without giving away too much, I can reveal that the dreaded individual who does the letting down is a shadowy character known as Infidel Man.) The press release goes on to say that the cartoon will track "real incidents and features heroic actions by the Mujahideen in the Prophet's peninsula" before helpfully adding that "these incidents include raids, armed engagements and assassinations."

You can't have a good al-Qaeda press release without some sort of a mission statement, and this one does not disappoint. The cartoon is being offered as an "alternative to the poison that is broadcast by other TV channels to our children and youth."

"I cannot imagine what channel would broadcast this," says Ali Yahya Al-Ahmar, spokesman for Yemen's Al-Saeeda television. "We are not by nature a cartoon loving people, and I do not expect that to change anytime soon. I myself enjoy the occasional cartoon, but in this instance I feel the direction is misguided. When the coyote beheads the roadrunner, it simply does not produce a chuckle."