Saturday, February 14, 2009

Coleman campaign finds life after death

Hey kids, build your own tombstone!

Undeterred by Al Franken's refusal to 'just take a hike', Energizer candidate Norm Coleman sees the campaign to overturn his disputed loss in the 2008 senate election taking an unexpected turn for the better.

"Like I said the other day on the Mike Gallagher Show, God wants me to serve," explained Coleman. "I was serious as a heart attack, an affliction which, by the way, has fatally stricken an estimated four hundred Minnesotans since election day. My goodness, election day... that was a long time ago, wasn't it? If I was a citizen of this great state, I would... oops, strike that, I am a citizen of this great state. But anyway, what I was going to say is that once it gets a little warmer outside, all Minnesotans should take to the streets in protest of the nefarious tomfoolery that has prevented me from returning to my rightful senate seat in the great state of Washington D.C."

"Governor Pawlenty, a dishwater Republican if I ever saw one, has been more than a little remiss in not appointing me to serve out the remaining five years and nine months of the term, at least until the lackadaisical state courts are finally able to resolve this matter in my favor. And do you know who else at least appears to have been a little remiss? That would be God. Uh huh. This race shouldn't have even been close. The only sense I can make of it is that God might have been confused, what with two Jews running for the same senate seat. So, I decided to give Him the benefit of the doubt, a decision which I believe reflects well on me."

"Yesterday, I was taking a stroll through Lakewood Cemetery up in Minneapolis... You know, I like to go up there sometimes when I ponder the ultimate fate of Al Franken. And while I was there, God, the guy I mentioned earlier, struck me with an epiphany. I saw the grave of a man named Benjamin Dover who had died just a few short weeks earlier, and a light bulb went on over my head. This was a dead voter! And he was not alone! I mean that not in the sense that he did not have sole possession of the graveyard, but in the sense that I realized there were other dead voters as well."

"I raced back home and proceeded to delve into the law books, and get this. In Minnesota, the dead are not allowed to vote! And quite obviously, the vote is not over!"

"The implications were staggering! I checked the demographic statistics for Minnesota and found that an average 36,000 people die here every year - 3000 a month times the 3.29 months since the election, multiplied by the percent of the voters in the state and you've got a potential of thousands of votes for Al Franken cast by the dead!"

"Everything is invalidated. This is proof beyond a reasonable doubt that, even though there may be no easy way to prove it, I may in fact be the victor of this contest."

"I want my seat now, Tim Pawlenty! Take out that big Governor pen of yours and make it so, or I'll keep Minnesota tied up in the courthouse until hell freezes over! This is outrageous and completely invalidates any misguided belief that the senate election in this state was in any way either fair or representative of the will of the living! My god, if this isn't the most cynically manipulative assault on our democratic system that I've ever seen, I'll eat my hat! Strike that, I don't wear a hat."

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