The Superman Hater's Club

from the archives, 2005

Jimmy Olsen: Order. Order. I call to order January’s meeting of the Superman Haters Club. Hey! Will you please simmer down, Aquaman. Aquaman: Sorry Jimmy. I forgot I wasn’t underwater. Jimmy Olsen: It’s okay, big guy. Now, let’s get to new business. We’re looking for someone to take the lead in organizing this year’s Superhero Ball. Do I hear any volunteers? Yes... Green Lantern? Green Lantern : Problem is, Jimmy, we don’t have any ladies, now do we? Sure, we’ve got the Invisible Girl , but she’s married, idn’t she? We need a little bit of fluff, don’t we? I mean, wot am I supposed to do, dance wit Spiderman? Wonder Woman: What about me, Greenie? Green Lantern: Right, right. I’d rather dance with Peter Parker than a dried up old bag like you. Spiderman: Thanks, buddy. Green Lantern: No problem, Spidey. You’ve got a much prettier mouth. Wonder Woman: I ought to lasso your no talent ass, Lantern. Green Lantern: Give it a go, Grandma… Jimmy Olsen: Order. Order. Listen, this year I’m bringing in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Is that super enough for you guys? Green Lantern: You just snagged yourself a volunteer, mate. Jimmy Olsen: You’re on. Now, to the old business – why we hate Superman. The chair recognizes The Flash. The Flash: Hello gentlemen. And lady. Listen. I Hate Superman, I truly do. I know that all the rest of you hate Superman quite a bit, but me, I really hate Superman. There is something I wish to share with you today. Actually, I’ve been trying to tell you this for a long time… I guess I’m not considered one of the really influential superheroes anymore, but... I… Used to be, I felt pretty good about myself. I was fast, you know, really fast. Quick as a... okay, pardon that... But Superman, you know, he was just as fast as me. Of course he was... . We had a race between the two of us one time… and I kind of thought it was just a friendly challenge… Iron Man: That sonofabitch. I know what’s coming. Flash: Well, we did a little sprint from Metropolis to Gotham City, and it was a virtual tie, you know? “I guess we’re pretty much equal,” he said with that malicious little grin of his. And then he bent some steel and flew away. Iron Man: I knew it! Goddamn, do I ever hate Superman! Here I am, Iron Man, and he’s like “Oh. Well, I’m the man of steel.” Flash : Whatever. Aquaman: I can hold my breath longer than he can. Fool can’t hold his breath for more than ten, fifteen minutes before he’s wheezing. Wonder Woman: What the fuck good is that? What the fuck good is holding your breath? What’s happening underwater that’s so fucking interesting? Aquaman: I can order the, uh, denizens of the sea around, you know… Wonder Woman: Well Superman can hold his breath in friggin' outer space. You try that, fish boy, the pressure is gonna collapse your lungs. Aquaman: Ahhhgghhh, I hate Superman! Reed Richards AKA Mister Fantastic: Might I suggest that this topic is too little too late at this point? I mean Superman has been dead since 1987, ever since 'Superman vs. the Pancreatic Cancer'. Alien he was, yes, but he still had a pancreas. Wolverine: Fuck you, man of rubber. Not much lead left in your pencil is there? Mister Fantastic: I can still get it up, mutant, if that is what you infer. Due to my super elasticity, my wiener is capable of stretching for a city block. Invisible Girl: Yeah, and what an inspiring sight that is, Reed. I’m so wet. Do you not remember the name of the club we are attending? Sorry if I come across as rude, Rubber-band Man. You know, if he had really wanted to, Superman could have ripped you apart like a rubber duckie. Mister Fantastic: I was much smarter than Kent. Batman: Yeah, so was I, asshole, and that didn’t help my career a whole fucking lot. People always want to talk about my dark side... Superman never had a dark side… Mister Fantastic: Don’t talk to me like that, Wayne. You don't even have a friggin super power. Just that stupid utility belt of yours... Batman: My brain is my super power, bozo! Not like you! You decide to take your girl and her brother and your best friend into a vast field of cosmic rays? Real smart. You are pathetic. The Thing: Got that right, Batman. I sincerely do hate Superman, but in a way, I hate Richards even more. Wish it was clobbering’ time, but what with my arthritis these days, I just can’t move around much any more. I’m just a big orange freak. Just like you, Flash. Cept you ain’t orange. Flash: Ben Grimm, you are a better man than Superman ever was. That piece of shit. At least you have some empathy to you. At least you care. The Thing: I do. I do. Jimmy Olsen: Well, that’s about it for this month’s session of the Superman Hater’s Club. I know, I’m sorry, but I could only rent Tammany Hall for five minutes. In closing, I’d just like to say that I also hate Superman, and I invite everybody to join me in the ‘I Hate Superman Invocation’. Everybody: I hate Superman. He ruined it for all of us. We could have had a good time. We could have been superer heroes. But now we’re just shmoes. Too bad for us. People abort mutants like us now. Not like Superman. Who came to Earth on a fucking rocket. Jimmy Olsen: Adjourned.