Beck gets bigger

A spokesman for the 'Glenn Beck Show' says that the FOX News personality is making a rapid turnaround following a week in which a boycott of the show resulted in loss of several advertisers, including GEICO, Proctor & Gamble, Healthy Choice, Sargento, and Progressive Insurance. "All the boycott did was clear the path for new advertisers," said Beck's producer Richard Head. "As of Friday, we've signed new contracts with Slim-Fast, Snuggie, and Jermaine's Steak N Tater. And probably at least one other big name, which I'm not yet at liberty to mention." Head is believed to be referring to ExtenZe, a potentially lucrative sponsorship, but one that would require Beck to deliver the commercial live. - Advertising Week "...and that's exactly what I mean when I say that anyone who exceeds the maximum body weight mandated by the Fat Panels will be left to die like a beached whale by the Obamacare Health Plan. As opposed to the taxpayer financed bailouts for the banks, a lot of these so-called obese Americans will be deemed big enough to fail." "Now while we're on the topic of too big to fail, I'd like to welcome a brand new sponsor to the Glenn Beck Show - ExtenZe, the all natural male enhancement. You know, for months now I've been watching these commercials for ExtenZe, a simple pill that can actually make men larger and increase pleasure and performance regardless of age. And oddly enough, I've been seeing them while monitoring MSNBC to catalogue the propaganda. To be honest, these commercials are about the only thing believable on that network." "I've particularly been seeing ExtenZe advertise on the Rachel Maddow show, which at first blush didn't make any sense at all to me. Her 'chat show' hardly seems to be a natural showcase, because ExtenZe promises to increase the size of what doctors call 'that certain part of the male body'. Please note the use of the word 'male', Ms Maddow." "Yes, friends, we're talking about the male ego. At least I think that's what we're talking about, although my producer is standing over to the side right now trying to hide what appears to be an enormous guffaw. Perhaps he's laughing because he doesn't believe that a simple pill taken twice a day could increase the size of my already more than adequate ego. This is the same man who laughed when I said I could pull better ratings than Bill O'Reilly. Who's laughing now, Dick? No one even talks about O'Whatsizname anymore. It's all about Rush, Hannity, and me, and quite frankly, it seems like the buzz about Hannity has gone pretty flaccid, while my popularity continues to swell and harden." "Quit snickering, Mr. Head, I'm trying to read a commercial, and you're interfering with my performance. Of course that shouldn't be a problem much longer now that I'm taking the revolutionary all natural male enhancer ExtenZe, which guarantees that my performance is going to become even more exciting and satisfying. Although, I suppose that just applies to my perception of it, so to get the full measure of pleasure from that 'certain part of my body', you guys are going to want to try ExtenZe for yourself. Sorry ladies, maybe they'll invent something for your pleasure later on." "Listen folks, I've only been taking ExtenZe for three days, and my ego has already swollen by at least twenty-five percent. Now I really don't care about being larger, although performing better, that could really be fun."