Wednesday, December 30, 2009

the gaping maw opens

After keeping the Homeland in suspense for an obscene one hundred and eight hours, the nation's Frightener in Chief has at long last opened his gaping maw in an effort to re-instill the American people with patriotic feelings of fear and dread.

"It's not like the former Vice President had nothing to say about the underpants fiasco," Cheney spokesman Liz Cheney told Politico's Mike Allen, "but being sensitive to the needs of the citizenry, he realizes that the mood of the people has been changed - softened and sissified - by the poetry of optimism and hope they have been subjected to by President Obama and his teleprompter of change. He needed to find a new way to speak to the American people and reassure them that nothing ever really changes. He wanted to reconnect them to the poetry of anxiety and trepidation. And so, without any further adieu, allow me to present the man of the mood of the millennium, my daddy."

"Thank you, Liz, and good morning Politico," the grim faced Cheney said via webcam. "I have the sound turned off at my end, Mr Allen, so there will be no need for questions, not that you ever ask any. That's why I like you guys, and that's why I hereby give you permission to report my words as though they were spoken to you in the flesh. Now then, what I have for you this morning is something more than a statement, it is poetry.

"You know, as I’ve watched the events of the last few days it has become clear to me that the American people once again need to hear about the beauty and valor of eternal war. And so, not without irony, my poem is entitled 'We Won't Be At War'.

President Obama is trying to pretend we are not at war.

He seems to think if he has a low-key response
To an attempt
To blow up an airliner and kill hundreds of people,
We won’t be at war.

He seems to think if he gives terrorists the rights of Americans
Lets them lawyer up
And reads them their Miranda rights,
We won’t be at war.

He seems to think if we bring the mastermind of Sept. 11 to New York
Give him a lawyer
And trial in civilian court,
We won’t be at war.

He seems to think if he closes Guantanamo
And releases the hard-core Al Qaeda-trained terrorists -
Still there!
We won’t be at war.

He seems to think if he gets rid of the words,
'War On Terror'
Trademarked 2001 by me
We won’t be at war.

"Thank you, Mike, thank you very much. As I said at the outset, I can't hear you on my end, but I see your hands going back and forth in a clapping gesture, and that's good enough for me."

"Now the point of my poem, in case the wordplay confused you, is that we are at war and when President Obama pretends we aren’t, it makes us less safe than we were for the eight years when I kept us secure. That better not be seven fingers you're holding up, Allen, or I'll shut down the goddamn video feed, too. I'll assume you were just trying to get my attention so that you could ask 'Why doesn’t he want to admit we’re at war?' Good question. It's because Obama hates America and everything it stands for, that's why. Don't you shake you head at me, you son of a bitch, this interview is over. And don't give me that pathetic imploring look. Liz, kill the video. Webcam then, whatever the fuck it is, just kill it... Goddamn it Liz, I told you I shouldn't speak until Rush and Hannity were back from their Christmas break."


  1. I woke up this first morning of the new decade, The Terrible Teens to find I had acquired new and improved super powers and the ability to impart them to my blogging buddies....


  2. Well done!

    This goes well with the Rumsfeld haiku.