Battle of the Bucks

Meg Whitman has taken a commanding lead in the big money race for the Republican gubernatorial primary, spending her $80 millionth buck before the calendar even hit June. Analysts ascribe this not to her campaign's fundraising ability, but to billionaire former eBay CEO Whitman's willingness to spend whatever it takes to have a shot at her crazy dream. So far, her own contributions to her campaign have been $68 million dollars. "I don't know why, I just want it," says Whitman. "I've been into the whole politics thing since, well, remember when John McCain ran for president? Not the first time, the time when he won. I mean the time he won the Republican nomination. I've been into politics since then. Before that I was really busy at eBay. Anyway, that was when McCain was talking about making me Secretary of the Treasury, and of course that didn't work out, but I've been just crazy about politics ever since. So when they announced that California was going to have a new governor, I was right there with my checkbook in hand. I thought, shoot, I'd be running against Jerry Brown, and he doesn't have any money, so all I'd have to do would be win the primary. Then some rich guy got into the race." That particular rich guy would be Steve Poizner, who made his own personal fortune by putting GPS receivers into cell phones. Poizner has spent about $24 million of his own dollars, but has recently been doubling down, causing Whitman to triple down. "The one thing that I learned at eBay is that everything has a price, and while Mr. Poizner is an extremely wealthy man, I'm an obscenely wealthy woman. If that shyster thinks he can just come here and buy an election, then he's got a thing or two to learn," hisses Whitman. "California is not for sale. The auction is over. The bidding is closed... God, this is so much harder than it was supposed to be."