Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Blood Oath

Unhinged Iowa Congressman Steve King today sought to expand on widely ignored comments he made Monday in regards to his efforts to repeal health care reform. King felt the clarification was necessary in light of the fact that he had not been ridiculed by a single MSNBC host. To add insult to injury, he received only one brief mention on FOX, but that didn't count because it was from Steve Doocy.

"I thought what I said was extreme enough to rile up any number of talking heads," explained King, "but when the news cycle is totally dominated by a pretty, young Tea Party babe's flirtation with the Devil, it can be hard to cut through the clatter."

"To reiterate, I was talking about my plan to add a health care repeal amendment to every appropriations bill we get next year, and if the Senate don't pass our version, then we don't pass theirs. So you see, the government gets shut down bit by bit, and before long, it grinds to a halt and we all go on vacation. Pretty good plan, huh, but like I said, I was worried about our leadership getting wobbly in the resolve department. In particular, Boehner the Soft-hearted. So I said we should make him sign an oath - a blood oath."

"A home run, I figured. But no, I couldn't believe it, I didn't even make it onto Ed Schultz's crazy talk segment. All he wanted to talk about was Christine O'Donnell having a picnic with a bunch of witches on a blood splattered satanic altar. I'm telling you, the media is just obsessed with sensationalism."

"I got to thinking about it and it occurred to me that when I was talking about a blood oath, these news people were thinking of that little ritual young people do all the time, where they slice open their palms and then rub their hands together. You know, the normal kid stuff. But what I was really talking about was the blood oaths that used to be practiced in the early days of the Latter Day Saints during their Endowment rituals. I've been reading up on that and it seemed like it would work pretty well for the Republican caucus."

"See, they had to take an oath of secrecy that they would never reveal the secrets of the ceremony, but if they did, they'd be subject to face the music, if you get my meaning. Hold on, I've got it all written down, just waiting for Boehner to agree to take his oath. Here we go: Stage 1, my throat be cut from ear to ear, and my tongue torn out by its roots; Stage 2,our breasts be torn open, our hearts and vitals torn out and given to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field; and Stage 3, our body be cut asunder and all your bowels gush out."

"Seems to me you wouldn't even need a stage 3, but those people were just as serious about their Endowment rituals as I am about repealing health care reform. I hope this clears things up, and I think I can say without fear of contradiction that this is a heck of a lot more interesting than having a couple of sandwiches with Beelzebub."

"Oh, one more thing. Like all serious politicians, I have a book coming out, November 9th, just one week after we take back the House and get down to the important job of shutting down the government. And in kind of a crazy coincidence the name of my book is 'Blood Oath'. It's about this president, and he's a pretty bad guy, he has his own vampire which he uses to suck all the hope and freedom out of the American people. I don't know where he got the vampire, because in the book his past is all dark and shadowy, but he's got one. Things look pretty grim for the entire world, but then there's this congressman, he's from Iowa. Write what you know, I always say. Anyway, this congressman knows that there's only one man who can save the world, and that man is Ronald Regan."

"Well, that's all I want to tell you about it, because I've got to get back to the hard work of repealing health care or at least shutting down the government. Plus, I don't want to give away too much about the book or you might not buy it, just like America isn't buying the Obama agenda. But just let me say that if you like vampires and you like zombies but you're not so keen on the president, this is the book you've been waiting for."

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