Monday, September 13, 2010

The Breakfast Club, Part 4: 'Eight Ball Deluxe'

Part 1........Part 2......Part 3

Rove tells me to read the gol-darn newspaper, Newt tells me that I need to read the friggin editorials and columnists, and it's nothing but words words words... Let's see, comics, section E-5... that's a lot of sections... Hey, it's WeeNuts!
Oh my God, they've given Charlie Brown a potty mouth! The liberals are ripping apart the social fabric of America... I've got to tell Debbie!
Pick up, Debbie... Pick up, Debbie... Pick up, Debbie... Debbie! It's me, Sarah! I just had to call you cause like I was reading WeeNuts and you know that Lucy, how she always reminds me of you, but now she's all old and gnarly and she has a foul mouth too and Sponge Bob is talking in a way that's totally not age appropriate and...
I'm sorry, this isn't Debbie. Hold a minute... Debbie, it's your little friend. I'll put this on speaker-phone. Try to get her to talk about her plans leading up to November.
Hold a minute? I don't even know who this is. I wanted to talk to Debbie and... Debbie? Oh that was so totally weird, I was talking to somebody who wasn't you and then this voice comes on and I said that's not Debbie cause it wasn't, it was a man and who was that, anyway?
Nobody you would know, Sarah. Just my, uh,  assistant. Here in the office.
You work in an office? God, that is so funny, Debbie, because I thought you worked in a boutique. I don't know, you just seem like a boutique kind of a girl to me. Anyway I was just calling to tell you something really shocking but now I can't remember what it was because of that man who answered the phone but since I've got you on the phone I remembered something else I wanted to ask you about cause you're so good with Google and everything and remember me telling you about that breakfast at Reverend Robertson's house where everybody ignored me? I remembered the bald guy that I couldn't remember and his name was Lloyd Blankfein. Glenn told me that he was one of his corporate sponsors but I don't know, it seemed fishy. Maybe he's blackmailing Glenn to get to me, do you think so, Debbie?
Everybody wants to get close to you, Sarah. I am so lucky to be your friend, so I'll check him out for you... By the way, I was just curious, what are you up to between now and the November elections?
That's so funny you should ask, Debbie, cause Todd wanted me to go ice fishing with him and I told him Todd, I am way to busy to go ice fishing, I've got to Tweet and Facebook and do the Bill O'Reilly show and do the Neil Cavuto show and Hannity's show and Glenn Beck of course and Greta's show and...
Twenty minutes later...

God, what a load of mindless blather. But what do you make of her Lloyd Blankfein encounter, Rahm?
We've been watching Blankfein for a while now, Debbie, but Gingrich, Steele, Robertson, Beck, Murdoch and Blankfein all together? I think that if there's more to this than breakfast - and I'm betting that there is - the United States of America is in big trouble. We may just be on the highway to Hell.
Meanwhile, at a very secret location...
Well, here we are, John, although at the moment I'm not at liberty to tell you exactly where 'here' is.
Don't worry, Mister Blankfein, no need for you to tell me. We're at the Amos Corporativos Cantina on Fulton Street in lower Manhattan. It's very nice of you to try and surprise me, but I've got to be honest and tell you that I always come here to chill out anytime that I've got business in New York.
This is not Amos Corporativos Cantina, John, this is a very exclusive private establishment in an undisclosed location that we refer to as The Breakfast Club.
Whatever, Mister Blankfein, all I know is that over there is my favorite pinball machine, 'Eight Ball Deluxe'. Wonder if I've still got the high score on it.
I assure you that it is in fact a similar but far superior machine, John. Now as you know, I've brought you here today to receive a higher level briefing from the Speaker...
The Speaker? That's me in a couple of months. Hold on, I've got to drain the old snake before we go... I'm assuming that the men's room is still over there by the popcorn machine. Of course, what do I know?
Greetings, Mister Blankfein. I was pleased to see that we've replaced that tacky old popcorn machine with a hot dog broiler.
Well, I know how much you love sticking phallic objects in your mouth, Rush. But it is quite nice. German engineering with a thirty-six dog capacity and built in bun burner. By the way, the next group of recruits has been selected. Are you ready to roll?
Ready, willing and able... You know, I was thinking of suggesting that we tell these bozos that they should call their little meetings the breakfast club. That way, if anyone slips up, they'll take it self-referentially... Heh, heh, you know, I was just thinking... Do you believe Robertson knows that we're just using him for his pancakes?
He does serve up a fine flapjack, Rush, that's something that he's blessed with.
Huh, look at that, will ya. I could have sworn there was a popcorn machine right there.
Hot dogs and martinis, I don't know that they would go well together... Hmm, maybe Mister Blankfein was right... Maybe this really isn't the Amos Corporativos Cantina. If that's the case, then I could be...
Good afternoon, Mister Boehner. Have you sampled the wieners yet?
What's the matter, John? You look as though you'd just seen a ghost.
Worse than that. I just saw George Soros lurking in the bathroom. I thought you said this was a classy place.
Calm down, John, I think perhaps you wore the Dugan Bag a bit too long. I can assure you that our membership roster is tightly controlled and George Soros is most definitely not on it.
Well... Okay. I guess you're probably right... I'm ready to meet your speaker, now. Is it okay if I take a drink with me?
Sure. And you might want to take care of your zipper before we go.Eduardo, please tell the Speaker we're on our way.
He's expecting you, Mister Blankfein. The Koch brothers are already there with Mister Romney.
This way, gentlemen.
Isn't that...
He's working off a small debt... Good afternoon, all... Do we need introductions? This is House Minority Leader Boehner. John, I'm assuming you already know Mitt, the Mormon child named after a baseball glove who now aspires to our nation's highest office... bwahahaha ha ha... excuse me... and these are the Fabulous Koch Brothers of the Koch Industry conglomerate. Charles is the CEO and Chairman of the Board, while David, his underachieving sibling, is the executive Vice President. You've no doubt enjoyed a spot of their money or two during your political career. And of course, you'll recognize our Speaker...
Welcome, Mister Boehner, I'm Krauthammer. Please take a seat and we'll proceed... be continued...

Special thanks to Dave Dugan of Zen Comix

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