A FGAQ Exclusive!

In this exclusive excerpt from his forthcoming memoirs, George Bush describes one of his rare misunderestimates. I know I've spent a lot of this book talking bout how I've been deceived and manipulated by just about everyone from Vlad Putin to Hank Paulson to my own daddy, and you're probably surprised that after all the chicanery I've endured I'm not more of a cynical man. Shoot, even Barney has been know to try and put one over on me from time to time. But even though the title of my book is 'Not My Fault', I've got to come clean and say that's only true in the majority of the time. Fact is, there are times I've even manage to fool myself. I first met Hariet Miers back in Austin back in 1989. It was a party at my old buddy Nate Hecht's place and Hariet was Nate's arm candy. At least that's the way he saw it. Hariet pined away for that guy for years and years, eventually becoming an old maid in the process. Anyway, I had quit drinking three years earlier when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior, so needless to say I wasn't having any fun. I mean, I'd have fun sometimes, just not at parties, cause I'd be coveting everybody's margaritas and be sitting there with a diet Coke and a handful of chips. Shoot, even Laura would have a glass of wine. She didn't cut me a bit of slack, so I started talkin to Hariet to try and make Laura jealous, and found out she was born again too. And she was Texan through and through, just like I imagine myself to be. I didn't make Laura jealous, but I did meet the woman who would become my own personal lawyer. It's crazy that a president would have to have his own personal lawyer, isn't it? But you know, when someone gets duped and deceived with the frequency that I do, it's mighty comforting to have someone watching your back. I take a lot of personal pride in the fact that I never once got impeached, and I think a lot of the credit goes straight to Hariet. I kinda wanted to make her my Attorney General, but I realized that if I did, there'd be other demands on her time, so I gave that job to Gonzo. Maybe that hurt her feelings, I don't know, all I can say is that she never missed an opportunity to make Mexican jokes. Not very Christian, I'll admit, but pretty darn funny. Well, when Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement from the Supreme Court, I was in a real quandary about who to nominate. You'd think I'd have a lot of people to ask for advice but I didn't. I was mad at just about everyone in Congress for one reason or another, particularly their refusal to privatize Social Security. I couldn't ask Cheney, cause he would just recommend someone he liked, and most of the people he liked were mean or crazy or both. Turd Blossom had already tricked me into too many bad decisions already, Laura didn't have any opinion, and Barney couldn't talk. So I asked Hariet. She just giggled and said "I don't know, why don't you just nominate me?" I thought this was a brilliant idea. The Supreme Court only works a few months a year, so the rest of the time she could still work as my personal lawyer. You got to consider, the last person to recommend themselves for the job was Dick Cheney, and you know how well that worked out. Of course by the time she told me that she had just been kidding, I'd already made the announcement and it was too late. Boy, did I have egg on my face. But a president can't back down, that's a sign of weakness that your enemies will hop on like a trampoline, so we soldiered on. Got her briefed and drilled, had her talk to a everybody in Washington for advice, but it was all to no avail. She didn't understand basic constitutional law concepts, which I never noticed when she was my personal lawyer. I mean, why would I? It was real sad the way all the senators made fun of her, not to mention those comedians on TV. Course, as I realized by then, it was merited. In her own way, Hariet was the first Sarah Palin. That was one of my biggest mistakes, I'm man enough to admit it. Of course the next person I nominated, Sam Alito, was an absolutely brilliant choice, and America will be thanking me for John Robert for decades to come.

the conspiracy widens

First thing I want to say is, I don't cater to conspiracy theories. I think they make you look ignorant and naive. I'll listen politely if someone starts telling me about George Bush blowing up the Twin Towers or how the Air Force is covering up UFOs, and I'll just smile and say "let's wait until all the evidence is in". Cause sometimes you can be wrong, you know? It's like at first I didn't believe in global warming but over the years I've had to say something's got to be making our weather go all crazy. So yeah, I believe you've got to keep an open mind. That's important, because I myself have some beliefs that others might call conspiracies, such as the fact that the Trilateral Commission controls every single move our corporate overlords make in their quest to establish a one world government. The thing is, these beliefs aren't conspiracies if they demonstrably true. One of those wild-eyed conspiracy theories just moved a little closer to the truth for me today, and depending how it all shakes out, it could wind up in the realm of fact. I have always made light of those who say Barack Obama wasn't born in the United States and therefore isn't really the president. Dismissed them out of hand. As a matter of fact, I even had my own special name for them. I call them 'those crazy birthers'. I guess yours truly violated his own rule about always keeping an open mind. I read a piece of news today that hit me like a 2"x4'. The Hawaii legislature has passed a measure that allows state officials to refuse to keep showing U.S. citizens copies of Obama's birth certificate. You heard me right. If the governor signs off on this, even if you write a letter on nice stationary saying you want to see it, they can ignore you. They won't even have to send you a rejection letter. Now why in the blazes would they take that attitude? You'd think that they'd be proud that the president is from Hawaii, but apparently not. Or, as is more likely the case, they have been directed from the highest level - maybe even the Trilateral Commission - to keep something hidden. It gives you a hell of a pause, doesn't it? I know I'm not going to call any one a crazy birther again any time soon. I may even go to the birthers march on Washington May 29th. As a matter of fact, I will go, and I'll bet thousands of others will join me. Maybe millions if it's a nice weekend. I may even start watching Glenn Beck because this incident has really opened my eyes to how much I don't know about what's going on. At this point I wouldn't believe Barack Obama was an American even if I held his birth certificate in my very own hands. I'm sure these people are master forgerers. My standard of proof just went way up. To even consider the possibility that Obama was born in Hawaii and isn't some foreign interloper, I'm going to need something way stronger. Like live video of his birth in Hawaii. At a pig roast beneath the coconut trees. With dancing girls wearing leis. Although even that could probably be forged.

Revelations Abound

President George Bush's eagerly awaited memoir 'Not My Fault' is now slated for a November 9 release, and according to the former president (who was reportedly very helpful in assisting former speech-writer Chris Michel put it together), it will have "a cupla surprises, maybe more". Bruce Muttonhock, spokesman for Crown Publishing, says that Bush "writes honestly and directly about his flaws and mistakes, as well as his historic achievements. Perhaps the main focuses in the book is his own gullibility. It seems that Bush had an almost endless ability to be fooled, sometimes with tragic consequences, by friends and advisors who may not have had his best interests at heart. The list is a long one; just the pictures of those who deceived him takes up 47 pages." "Probably the first person to really hoodwink Bush - not counting his preadolescent years - was his own father, who constantly tried to convince him that he would never succeed at anything. Quite frankly this became a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy which had a crippling effect on Bush, and allowed him to be deceived at every crook in the road. Or perhaps I should say by every crook in the road. How long did this condition last? That's hard to say since the man is still alive." "It's quite true that President Bush had a disastrous presidency," says Muttonhock, "but in his memoirs he goes to great lengths to point out that none of the tragic blunders and oversights were his fault. The attacks of 911, for example, would never have happened if only President Clinton had annihilated al-Qaeda. Even on the day he received the information that an attack was imminent, Bush took time out from his vacation that morning to call Clinton and ask him for details, but Clinton didn't call back till later that afternoon when Bush was already off on his backhoe. It's obvious that Clinton wanted him to fail. At least in this book it is." "Probably one of the cruelest deceptions was that of Saddam Hussein, who tricked Bush into launching the war in Iraq by repeatedly insisting that he had no weapons of mass destruction. If Hussein had only said he possessed the weapons, the President would have known he was bluffing. But no, the evil dictator insisted on fooling Bush with his denial, and when international inspectors couldn't find the WMDs it became clear, to him at least, that an attack was imminent. Bush never forgave Hussein for the tragic loss of American lives and treasure, and he was, in fact, most pleased to see him executed for his treachery." "Oh, I could go on and on, it's a fascinating book filled to overflowing with things that were not Bush's fault. This was a man who was even deceived by the weather and his deep abiding trust in the Army Corp of Engineers. And the pattern continued through the final days of his administration, where the financial meltdown shocked him with the realization that Ronald Reagan's economic policies were nothing but a cruel joke and his trust for the good motives of his Wall Street overlords was sadly misplaced. Bush Sr., of course, had told him that Reagan's policies were voodoo economics, so being wise to the old man's unfaithful ways, Bush assumed this was simply another example of his duplicity. Unfortunately this was a rare case of father speaking truth to son, making it the most pitiless type of deceit imaginable." "I hope that I've whetted your appetite for this Crown Publishing title, available everywhere November 9th," concludes Muttonhock. "Of course it won't be available everywhere... I told President Bush that, and he expects to see it at Crawford Hardware. He is a gullible man. Perhaps I shouldn't divulge this, but I got Bush to sign with Crown Publishing by saying we could help him sell more books than Sarah Palin. You just don't find an easy mark like him every day."

...breaking...

Apparently he'd rather just vote no than
to have to order a la carte...

Barbarian at the Gates

Onward Unto Pluto! with Dr. Harry Spangler Hello, this is Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA to tell you about the latest nonsense that is threatening our great agency. Of course, I'd much rather be telling you about my pet project, the glorious New Horizons mission to Pluto, but with the cutback in staffing dollars, these days I'm forced to address pretty much any penny-ante concern that NASA pulls out of it's rear end. However, I think that you'll agree with me that this is a matter of great significance. When President Obama recently spoke to NASA in Florida, my heart was filled with the joy of limitless possibilities as he talked of missions to the Asteroids, Mars, and beyond. Surely there was the possibility of a manned mission to my beloved Pluto within my lifetime! Just two months earlier he had called for an end to our foolish flirtation with The Moon, and now he was focusing on the full Universe. Sadly, a gaseous cloud has obscured that universe, and that cloud is named Stephen William Hawking. Yes, Stephen Hawking, celebrity physicist, and writer of books even I can't understand. I once tried reading a copy of 'Information Loss in Black Holes' on the recommendation of a colleague and before I got halfway through it I wanted to put a black hole in my head. And what am I? A rocket scientist, thank you very much. (My colleague later told me that he had recommended the book as a joke, and I retaliated in kind by telling his supervisor that he was downloading internet porn on his NASA computer. Sadly our professional relationship turned sour after that when my clever response turned out to be true.) I have always feared Hawking, with his mechanized voice and impenetrable theories of space-time. And now he has moved to frighten the world at large by warning of the dangers inherent in space exploration. Making contact with aliens is just "a little too risky", Hawking warns in his Robbie the Robot drone. "I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans." On the other hand Mr. Hawking, may I remind you that it went smashingly well for the Europeans, as well as for many of the Native Americans who were able to adapt to the infinitely more advanced civilization that the heirs of Columbus would within a few centuries bestow on them. And yes, the Europeans benefited as well, with bountiful new offerings such as corn, turkey and tobacco, although I say with some sadness that my present employers require me to go outside to a secluded area in order to enjoy the latter of these gifts. You sit there smugly on your prime time TV show displaying shocking pictures of peaceful herbivores lazing under a foreign sun being brutally attacked by flying yellow lizards and expect us to not respond? You, sir, are a brute and a fear-monger. You may have your own show on Discovery, but NASA has it's own cable channel, although it pains me to admit that our ratings are currently in the toilet. Two short weeks ago, the future for NASA was so bright that we had to wear protective eye goggles, but now one man dares to try and turn the nation against space exploration with the laughable concept of alien domination. Stephen Hawking, your words come too late, and we will shout that message from the rooftop, which at NASA headquarters is rather high up. Our flag is planted on The Moon and our robots crawl upon the faraway surface of Mars. The Voyager probe is now in interstellar space carrying it's golden record with the sounds of whale songs and Johnny B Goode, and our radio transmissions are on their way to distant stars. And yet no scary beasts invade the planet Earth. It's too late to turn back now, Robot Boy. As far as NASA is concerned, it's onward unto Pluto. We have nothing to fear but Stephen William Hawking.

Princess Madeline available again

From the Swedish Royal Court comes the very sad news that Princess Madeleine Thérèse Amelie Josephine Gustaf has broken off her engagement to Jonas Bergstrom, an event that has all of Stockholm atwitter. The fabulously wealthy Princess Madeline is third in line to the Swedish throne, while Bergstrom is nobody really. The Royal Court would not comment on the cause of the breakup, saying only that the couple had decide that the best for them is to go their separate ways. Princess Madeline, however was not so reluctant to speak. "Best for us to go our separate ways? That's a bit of an understatement, I'd say. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking about with that boy. Like I was talking to my best friend Debbie, and she say 'you're too young to settle down, Princess, young and beautiful and fabulously wealthy. We should cruise to America and follow Springsteen around'. And I said 'Debbie, I don't even like Springsteen, you're the one who likes Springsteen'. But the other stuff I totally agree with." "I know my father is really happy about this. He was worried about me marrying below my station, which would have been a real embarrassment if I ever became Queen. Fat chance of that ever happening unless my brother and sister end up killing each other, but I know where Daddy is coming from. I'm a beautiful young princess, the Dutchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland, and Jonas is just a lawyer. An associate lawyer. I don't even know what that is, but I think it involves a lot of television, because all he ever wants to talk about is what happened on 'Judge Judy' or what happened on 'Divorce Court'. And I totally do not care." "But I guess the final straw was my birthday. Jonas gave me this enormous hat - you can't take your eyes off of it, can you - and he kept nagging me to wear it. So I finally did one night, and walked into the bedroom to surprise him, and wouldn't you know, I catch him trying on my tiara. I've warned him a million times not to fool with my stuff." "So anyway, I guess that it's the end of the line with Jonas, but I'm not particularly upset. Someday my prince will come, and daddy really would prefer to see me marry royalty."

Anti-Christ endorses Anti-Crist

Dick Cheney emerged from his bunker today to endorse Marco Rubio in his Florida Republican primary run against Governor Charlie Crist. In typical Cheney fashion, he was unable to give his backing to Rubio without simultaneously trashing his old friend Crist. "Washington is broken and Congress is already overflowing with politicians who need pollsters to tell them what to think," said the horrible old man, seemingly oblivious to the importance of his own vital role in breaking the capitol. "It certainly doesn't need another one. Now more than ever America needs leaders with the strength of conviction. That is why I am proud to endorse Marco Rubio." "Yeah, that and two bucks will get me a cup of coffee," said Rubio upon learning about the announcement. "First the Feds launch an investigation into my finances, then Crist says he may run as an independent, and now it's the kiss of death from Darth Vader. Oh well, they say bad things come in threes. Let's just hope Mister Warmth didn't have anything else to say." "Charlie Crist has shown time and again that he cannot be trusted in Washington to take on the Obama agenda because on issue after issue he actually supports that agenda," Cheney continued. "Well, duh, that didn't help much," muttered Rubio. "I wonder how many Independents that supported Obama are now going to show up to vote for Crist instead of just staying at home. On the positive side, maybe that'll keep him from running as an Independent." "Lately it seems Charlie Crist cannot be trusted even to remain a Republican," concluded Cheney. "I strongly urge him to either stay in the Republican Primary or drop out of the race. The only winners from an independent bid by Crist would be Barack Obama and Harry Reid." "Fuck me," concluded Rubio.

A Profile Encouraged

On Monday, non-maverick John McCain appeared in the 'No Spin Zone' to demonstrate that O'Reilly isn't the only one who's watching out for you. Chief amongst his concerns was his strong distaste for illegal immigrants and his wholehearted support for using racial profiling to weed them out. It's a matter of highway safety, for God's sake. "It's the drive-by that - the drivers of cars with illegals in it that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeway," McCain sputtered. "Look, our border is not secured. Our citizens are not safe." "I'm certainly no fan of the illegals, Senator," said the puzzled portly pundit pointedly, "but I don't know what the hell you're talking about." "I'm talking about the Culos Locos, O'Reilly. They're an incredible menace." "Culos Locos?" "Culos Locos, the Crazy Asses. Christ, don't you read the Arizona Republic Daily, O'Reilly? The state is totally infested with Culos Locos, insane Mexicans who steal cars and crash them into innocent Arizonans for thrills. They make me furious. Sometimes they'll try to convince the other driver that the accident was their fault and shake them down for money. My advice is that if you see a Mexican, or someone you suspect of being a Mexican, pull off to the side of the road and call the police immediately. Get their license plate number, if they have one. Granted, most of them remove the plates before they take off on their sprees, but if the car does have plates, it's probably freshly stolen. It could still have a baby in it, or anything." "Well, Senator, I'm rather surprised that I haven't previously heard of this phenomenon. So you say these Cucos Locos are all stealing cars and intentionally crashing them?" "Not all of them, O'Reilly, they don't all have cars. Some of them are on foot. But they're every bit as crazy. They'll throw themselves in front of your car. It's like hitting a deer. It can do a hell of a lot of damage, and then there's the guilt factor." "I suppose if they're here illegally, there's no reason for anyone to feel guilty about hitting them..." "That's barbaric, O'Reilly. We want to deport them, not kill them. But we sure as hell don't want them to kill us by ramming into our cars or jumping in front of us and making us run off the road. That's what happened outside of Tucson last week, an eighteen wheeler flipped three times, the driver was killed instantly, and traffic was tied up for hours." "Because an illegal immigrant jumped out in front of him?" "I'd bet money that that's what happened, O'Reilly. And if we have to do a little racial profiling to prevent incidents like that from happening, then it's for the greater good." "Sounds like you're doing a little rationalizing, Senator. Not that I'm criticizing, just pointing it out." "Rationalizing? One of them tried to run into Cindy a few days ago. She told me it was terrifying. Luckily she escaped with only a dented fender." "She, uh, told you that?" "Cindy's a damn good driver." "Oh-kay. Well, there you have it folks, another O'Reilly exclusive. Just one more question before we go. Your opponent in the primary, J.D. Hayworth, is claiming that your newfound zeal for immigration reform..." "And profiling." "...And profiling is nothing more than an election year gimmick, and if you win, you'll move away from the right and back towards the middle. How would you respond to that?" "Don't listen to that guy. He's nothing but a maverick."

an unworied man

Reeling from weeks of negative publicity, Goldman Sachs today announced that it was swooning all the way to the bank with first quarter profits doubling from a year ago to 3.3 billion dollars. "I guess that eases the pain a little bit," said CEO Lloyd Blankfein. "Just kidding, we were never in any pain to begin with. Obviously, with profits like these, I must be doing something right. Still, it is hurtful to have the federal government say all these mean things about us. Just kidding. My friend Mitch told me that if they take any punitive action against me, the GOP will scream bloody murder about Socialist market interference. I told him not to worry about it, the worst they could fine us for would be a few million. Three words - petty cash drawer. Besides, I'd rather have the Democrats in charge anyway. Their fines cost us a lot less than the 'donations' the Republican hit us up for. But nix nox, it's all good." Blankfein is not overly concerned about the White House calling out Goldman Sachs for defrauding investors in a scheme so insidiously cynical that it makes Medicare scams look like happy talk by comparison. "What, me worry? Have you met my new lawyer, Gregory Craig? His last job was working for that fellow, oh, what's his name... Barack Obama. Gregory's got an amazing speed dial list. Nah, the only thing that gives me any pause is the possibility that Goldman Sachs might need somebody to fall on their sword to help out public relations. And as the guy in charge, that would be me. I mean, if that happened, who would hire me then?" "I would," shouted Morgan Stanley. "Ditto," chimed in Citigroup.

In memorium: Abu Ayyub al-Masri

After numerous reports of his death by Iraqi sources, U.S. officials have announced that Abu Ayyub al-Masri, the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, has been killed in an American air strike. Also killed was Abu Omar al-Baghdadi, head of the Mujahideen Shura Council, and Trinket, al-Masri's faithful dachshund. "Two Abus and a boo-boo, not a bad haul for one air strike," said U.S. Commander in Iraq General Ray Odierno. "There is still work to do but this is a significant step forward in ridding Iraq of terrorists. I must say, though, that I feel just terrible about that little dog. We really had no way of knowing it was in al-Masri's safe house. Still, it had no business being out there in the middle of the desert, although I fully understand that no dog can choose his own master." al-Marsi, who was Egyptian, was known in the Arab World as 'Crazy Ayyub' ever since his early appearances on Cairo television as the front-man for Dubainaire Electronics - not for his insanely low prices, but for his Rasputin-like gaze. After a brief stint as a spokesman for Al-Jazeera International, he became the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, following the mysterious death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi when a 500 pound bomb fell on him. Reportedly, no Iraqis volunteered to secede al-Zarqawi. When al-Masri first assumed leadership, the U.S. put a five million dollar price on his head, but as time went by, the market value on his ass fell to only $20,000. "Someone could have received a real nice payday if they'd decided to drop a dime on this guy back in 2006," said General Odierno. "Still, I'm glad that we've got him at last. We knew right away that we had the right guy. It was those eyes that seemed to stare right through you. But the thing that struck me the most was Ayyub's complexion; it was almost translucent."

now down to zero

from the archives, May 2008

In a move reminiscent of JPMorgan's acquisition of Bear Stearns, the Department of Defense has taken over the contract on Abu Ayyub al-Masri for the fire clearance price of just two cents on the dollar. As recently as last September, the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq had a market valuation of five million dollars in reward money, but has seen his worth drop steadily after underperforming in a rapidly changing Iraqi marketplace. The State Department has seen his value dip by 80%, closing at only one million this April. "We're quite pleased that DOD has expressed an interest in acquiring al-Masri," said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "Quite frankly, when an asset drops as rapidly as this one did, the only option is to either sell or liquidate." U.S. CENTCOM spokesman Captain Jamie Graybeal feels that the al-Masri contract is in line with DOD's current policy of making small acquisitions. "The value of this guy is not what it was, say, at this time last year," said Graybeal. "Our assessment has led us to believe he's not as effective a leader on the battlefield ... and because of that he's just not as valuable to us. But I feel we can turn this thing around. The truth is that the average Iraqi has no concept of how much five million dollars is. It's an abstract number, almost impossible for them to comprehend. A hundred thousand, on the other hand, is manageable. It's like having a thousand dollars one hundred times. I imagine that someone will turn him in within the next week or two." al-Masri released a statement through an al-Qaeda web site calling the current reward 'insulting', and threatening to stay in hiding until his value returned 'to at least seven figures'. "This guy is obviously a financial moron," said Graybeal. "Yeah, just stay off the market for a few more months and see how quickly we write you off as a total loss."

McConnell explains position on finance bill

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is blasting back at President Obama, who during his weekly radio address called McConnell's stance against the financial regulatory bill a cynical and deceptive argument. "Why, that arrogant pup," fumed McConnell, sitting in the VIP booth at an Alexandria Denny's with a group of other elderly schoolmarms. "He needs to be taught to respect America's financial institutions. And Capitalism in general. Because what he's attempting is a huge power grab - total federal control over the very dollars in our pocket. I keep mine in my left front pants pocket to protect against hooligans, tightly secured by an Adam Smith money clip. Ones on the outside then the fives, tens, twenties, and a couple hundreds right in the middle like a little money sandwich. No fifties, never. I'm not at all fond of Ulysses S. Grant, not after what he did to Paducah in the Civil War. Every September 6th I go back home for Paducah Day just to relive the humiliation of that blow against the Confederacy." "Anyway, as I was saying, the good thing about making a money sandwich, is that when you're someplace like Denny's where you don't need a lot of cash to get a quality meal, you can pay your bill without the waitress seeing how much money you have and trying to rob you. The way the Obama regime is trying to rob the American people by telling them what they can and can't buy, and making them responsible for paying out an endless stream of bailout money." "Anyway, getting back to the topic, the waitresses won't try to rob you if they think all you've got on you is a roll of ones. It just isn't worth risking their careers over. And believe me, waitressing is considered a pretty good career in a lot of parts of Kentucky, because most of the girls don't want to go anywhere near a mine. That's their choice, and thank God we still have a little freedom of choice left in America, like the freedom to invest in so-called risky derivatives, but unless we fight this bill that freedom will simply disappear. Much like my coffee. Waitress." "See, now this girl is going to expect me to tip her just because she refilled my coffee. And I could easily do that, just peel off a bill from the outside of my money sandwich, but that should be my choice to make, not like those fancy Socialist restaurants where the tip is automatically included. That makes me ill, just like this finance bill. What I really like are those places back home where they've got a tip jar up front by the cashier. I really don't like to carry pocket change, and that way the waitresses can't see what you're doing with your money. And I'm sure Wall Street feels pretty much the same way."

Merv knows funky

battleplan

...and so I'm proud to announce the launch of my campaign to replace Nancy Pelosi as the next Speaker of the House. That's her ugly mug up there, and the guy on the right is me and I'm vsing her, just like in pro wrestling. You can see the steely determination in my eyes and the fear on her face. Now it won't be...

Psst... Hey Jim, you know what I think? Looks to me like Pelosi's more disgusted than she is frightened. She probably got a strong whiff of the big loser.

...a lot of hard work, and to that end, I've created a "Boehner for Speaker" web site where you can volunteer or donate or just go to have a good time. You'll find everything you need to help me out. It's at http://www.boehnerforspeaker.com/site/c.ouIWL8MOJrE...

Psst... Hey Jim, I've got me one of them new fangled web sites, too. EricCantor.com. It's a little easier to remember than Boehner's. What a moron.

Cantor, would you kindly quit whispering behind my back? I'm trying to tell the press about my battleplan for recapturing the House.

What? You talking to me? Nobody's whispering behind your back, John. Getting a little paranoid, are we? Go on, tell everybody about your silly plan.

It's not a silly plan. It's a blueprint for the future of the Republican Party.

Go on. Talk away. We're all just dying to hear what you have in mind.

Well, as I was saying, all we need to do is take back forty seats, which is imminently doable. We need to redouble our efforts on...

Psst... Hey Jim, you know why he's got that long ass web address? I bought all the good combinations with his name and redirected them to EricCantor.com.

Look, Cantor, if you're going to continue to run your mouth, why don't you just come up here and tell everyone whatever it is you think is so important

Thanks a million, boss. That's about your usual fee to pass a piece of legislation, isn't it? Folks, I do expect the GOP to win back the House in November, but I'm here to tell you that there's no way in Hell that John Boehner is going to be the next Speaker.

Oh, really? And what would make you think that was the case?

Because, John, you're a minority leader who isn't leading, so why should you expect to be rewarded? You haven't introduced a single bill or been able to stop a single Democratic one.

I, on the other hand, have been spectacularly successful as Whip, getting our troops to march in lockstep on every important vote we've considered.

It's true that you've done a fine job, Eric, and I probably haven't done a good enough job of showing my appreciation, or giving you the attention you deserve. As for my own performance, I believe that most Republicans understand that when your in...

And there's another reason why you won't be the next Speaker. If we take the House, I'm running against you. I'm younger, stronger and smarter than you. Your time is over old man.

You've got my vote, Mister Speaker.

Thanks, Jim. Say, once I'm Speaker, do you want to be Majority Whip?

This press conference is going remarkably poorly...

Perky out in 2010

Half-governor Sarah Palin was the main speaker at a Tea Party gathering in Boston today, drawing a disappointing crowd of around 5,000, far less than the 300,000 people organizers had predicted. Some interpreted it as a sign that many conservative are beginning to tire of her repetitive drivel. "We'll keep clinging to our Constitution and our guns and religion and you can keep the change," she said. "Don't believe the lies of the lamestream media," she said. "Yeah, let's drill baby drill, not stall baby stall, you betcha," she said. "Holy cow, did she really say that," asked an incredulous Susan Nichols, an office manager who calls herself very conservative. "I used to be a fan, but lately I'm starting to think that Sarah Palin just goes around repeating the same few catch phrases over and over, like Jimmy JJ Walker. Dy-no-mite, Sarah. Gawd, I can't believe I took a day off for this." "She kinda reminds me of my ex-wife," said John Massey, a Massachusetts Tea Party activist who skipped the event. "I don't know, all her perky sarcasm just gets to me. When she says 'How's that hopey changey thing workin out for ya' in that irritating sing-songie voice of hers, I wanna tell her, 'I don't know, Sarah, I guess if you're a liberal, it's working out pretty well'." "I hope the Tea Party folks don't get the wrong idea," said Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, who also was not in attendance. "I appreciate their help in my election, and fully support their activism, but this event... I guess I was afraid the stupid might rub off on me." The signs that Palin is quickly becoming last year's model are further born out by the news that SarahPAC, her political action committee, took in only $400,000 during the first three months of 2010. By way of contrast, boring flip-flopper Mitt Romney took in a million and a half, and even invisible man Tim Pawlenty pulled $560,000. In more bad news, a new Rasmussen poll finds that 76% of self-described conservatives believe that she is 'not the future of the Republican Party, no way, you betcha', and a full 47% now admit to finding Palin totally inane.

from the archives: Dinner with Bill

"I suck"

"I'm feeble," sobbed Tiger Woods, as cameras brazenly approached him just outside the eighteenth green at the Masters Tournament. "I only enter events to win and I didn't get it done. Don't expect me to smile or act happy. I'm not number one, I'm not number two, at this moment in time I'm not even the third best golfer in the world. It's humiliating. I suck donkey dicks." Tiger's harsh self appraisal is not unique in the world of competitive performers, as can be attested to by many of the formerly talented athletes and artists who have quit their avocation or even committed suicide when their work has been considered less than the best in the world. "You know, K. J. Choi was ahead of me a couple of times on the leader board," said the tearful Tiger. "You know why he uses his initials? It's because his name is Kim Jong. And it reminded me that Kim Jong-il purportedly shot the best round of golf ever, thirty-eight under par, with six holes in one. I thought if maybe I could match or surpass that achievement... but I can't beat Kim Jong-il, I can't even beat Kim Jong Choi. Why should I even try anymore? I'm not and I won't and I'm going to take some more time off. Maybe forever." "It was kind of a shock, much like that exploding golf ball he slipped me," said Phil Mickelson, who won his third Masters in spite of suffering second-degree burns. "Like everyone else, I assumed that Tiger would come back so rested after his six months off that he would totally dominate the field, so I'm feeling pretty guilty about my victory. I guess the one good thing to come of all this is the opportunity to see the tremendous spiritual and emotional growth Tiger has undergone."

Virginia felons get new writes

As part of the celebration of Confederate History Month, Governor Bob McDonnell has introduced new requirements for nonviolent felons trying to have their voting rights restored, requirements that are nostalgically reminiscent of the literacy tests from the good old days of yore. Virginia, which is one of only two states that require the governor to sign off on the restoration of voting rights, will now become the first ever to require that felons submit an essay detailing their contributions to society since their release from prison. "After suffering through two Democratic governors, this state has become a little too... sissified, for lack of a better word," explains McDonnell. "You know, Virginia is for lovers and all that. I want to put some teeth in that - Virginia is for gun lovers, Virginia is for God lovers, and Virginia is for lovers of the Confederacy, but no way is Virginia for criminal loving liberals, and from now on, if you're going to do the crime, you're going to write the essay." "Five hundred words, 12pt Times New Roman, double-spaced on bonded paper," chuckles McDonnell. "Spelling counts. Each essay should be accompanied with an 8x10 glossy of the felon looking really sorry, and a fifty dollar processing fee." The governor dismisses black leaders and civil rights groups who say this is a method of disenfranchising black voters and poor people in general. "We take it as a given that any ex-con trying to get a job in this state is going to be poor, and there's no way on earth we have of knowing whether an essayist is black or white. Except for the photos. And we're only looking at those to see whether they look sorry or not." McDonnell also brushes aside concerns that evaluations of the essays might be somewhat subjective. "We've hired a group of Carmelite Nuns to read these essays. They're the most objective Nuns in the world, so there shouldn't be any problem. They'll be ranking the essays on four factors: grammar, plausibility, continuity, and spirituality. And a word to the wise, here. I would suggest foregoing the use of any profanity."

The ladies love him

Sure, International opinion has turned against him, and American politicians of all stripes are coming to view him as an unreliable crackpot, but Hamid Karzai is not without his charms. In fact, he's developed a surprising new group of fans - lady wingnuts. "Karzai, whose support we need if we are going to succeed in Afghanistan, is being treated to an especially dangerous and juvenile display from this White House," Liz Cheney told the Southern Republican Leadership Conference. "They dress him down publicly almost daily and refuse to even say that he is an ally. That bully Obama is downright mean to the man, publicly humiliating, publicly demeaning. My heart goes out to him. I'm by no means saying that he's perfect, but we need him." "She needs me," cooed Karzai in his very best Barry White impression. "But would she, such a whole lotta, woman know what to do with me if she had me? Hamid Karzai is a lot to handle, and too much of anything is not good for you, baby." Sarah Palin has also joined the Karzai Admiration Society, and was so impressed by Liz Cheney's words that she decide to repeat them to the same crowd. "In foreign policy now we’ve got the makings of the Obama doctrine, which is coddling enemies, much as I'd like Hamid to coddle me, and alienating allies. They treated the Afghan president poorly and then they feigned surprise when he reacted in kind. I say, Leave Hamid alone! Isn't that bully Obama being just downright mean to the man, publicly humiliating him and publicly demeaning him? You betcha he is. My heart just goes out to him like a mama grizzly bear - Hamid, not Obama. I get the fact that there's no such thing as a perfect man, but we need this guy." "Ooh, love to love you, baby," crooned the Afghani love machine, "maybe I'll get comfortable and take off my hat. I wanna see you the way you came into the world, I don't wanna feel no clothes, I don't wanna see no panties, and take off that brassiere, my dear, everybody's gone." Ironically, everyone was not gone. "Hey, is it too late to get in on this action?" cried Michelle Bachmann. Ironically, it was.

Kyrgyzstan at it again

Right there, below Kazakhstan. To the right of Uzbekistan. Not that one, that's Turkmenistan. The one just above Tajikistan. You got it. The impoverished landlocked nation of Kyrgyzstan grew a little more cheerful today as they put the finishing touches on their second revolution in five years, this one sure to bring them the attention and respect they so rightfully deserve. Roza Otunbayeva will be the leader of what she says will be an interim government which in theory will only serve six months before... well, she didn't exactly say before what. Russia seems okay with the new leader of the former Soviet satellite, and today Otunbayeva made sure to say that she would not close an important American air base located there, so the U.S. is okay with her too. President Kurmanbek Bakiyev is not okay. I am the elected head of state. I do not admit any defeat," the defeated leader said today to the 'Echo of Moscow' radio station. "I think within several days, it will become clear that those who have considered themselves leaders, first of all they are not capable and they have drawn the country into abyss and disorder. They will have to answer for this." "Big words for a man speaking from an undisclosed location," said Otunbayeva, who the locals know as just plain Rosie. "We will not allow anybody to build a monarchic dynasty in our civilized but impoverished republic." "Rosie is very sincere," said Edil Baisalov, a Kyrgyzstan activist who has been in exile since the previous uprising (which for some unknown reason is referred to as the Tulip Revolution). "Unfortunately, we know that weeks and months ahead will be quite chaotic, but in the very least, she hopes to create a level playing field for all the political forces in the next revolution."

(From the archives: The golden days of the Tulip Revolution)

Kyrgyzstan No Longer Hard to Spell Interim governing counsel (l-r) Fred, Sonny, Kurmanbek, and Fran of Curgistan Having ousted unpopular President Askar Akayev, the interim government, led by Kurmanbek Bakiyev, has voted by a margin of three to one to change the spelling of it's name to Curgistan. The one negative vote, cast by Fran Bvyrtzkoiev, was rescinded when she realized her name would still rhyme. "It's a reform that will be welcomed throughout the country," said Bakiyev, "and one that's long overdue. No longer will our people face the embarrassment of misspelling the name of our great nation. It's very easy now, just like it sounds." In other actions, the governing counsel also voted to change their national anthem from "The Marching Feets of Kyrgyzstan" to "Mack the Knife".

Rival Kyrgyzstanian Party Says No To Changes Alternate governing counsel (l-r) Fygloi, Bklong, Felix, and Gkorkivlagki BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan (Reuters) - Kyrgyzstan's new rulers sought Sunday to avert a split in their ranks after their lightning coup, but tension remained high with fresh warnings of possible civil war in the impoverished Central Asian state. Thursday's revolt left the ex-Soviet republic with two rival parliaments and clear strains among opposition leaders, united only by the desire to get rid of veteran President Askar Akayev. Stating that the Boopha interim government, led by Kurmanbek Bakiyev, was "not worthy of grooming my yak," Ihop interim government leader Felix Kulov, who is also the Nation's security chief, launched into an angry denouement of "supposedly approved changes" recently announced by his opposition. "So this is what the Boophas care about their proud heritage. Not a big f-ing lot, eh?" Kulov paused to relight his pipe before continuing. "Westernize the spelling of our countries proud name to Curgistan? Kyrgyzstan we are, and Kyrgyzstan we shall remain! It looks so good on paper that the whole nation shivers with delight each time they see it printed in the Bishkek Times!" "As for the National Anthem, well, we agree that 'The Marching Feets of Kyrgyzstan' is not a very good number, so we would be willing to compromise on that issue. But, 'Mack the Knife', never, I swear unto you this is an insult, proposing to use a German song to represent the people of Kyrgyzstan!" "And while we're at it, we propose a classier dress code for all ruling government officials. Just look at those slobs in the Boopha party. Sonny Gykryzonich is then only one wearing a nice suit, while Kurmanbek Bakiyev is wearing a t-shirt, like he just came in from the market. No wonder other countries don't respect us, dressed like that. As for Fran of Kyrgyzstan, parading around in public with naked arms and golden tresses, I can only ask, what the hell is a woman doing on the interim counsel to begin with?"

Rudy and Mahmoud express displeasure with new nuclear policy

The man known as 'America's Mayor' and the man known as 'The Handsomest Guy in Iran' found themselves surprisingly in agreement today as they appeared together via live video on the FOX News 'Your World with Neil Cavuto' to debate the topic of President Obama's nuclear weapons plan. Although coming from two different directions, they both agreed that the new strategy was both inept and insane. "President Obama thinks we can all hold hands, sing songs, and have peace symbols," Giuliani said. "North Korea and Iran are not singing along with the president. Knowing that, it just doesn’t make sense why we would reduce our nuclear arms when we face these threats." "In truth, the people of Iran know very few American songs," replied Ahmadinejad, "but I totally agree that holding hands should be discouraged in public. But you know, Mayor Giuliani, American materialist politicians, whenever they are beaten by logic, immediately resort to their weapons like cowboys." "Cowboys? More like hooligans if you ask me. As mayor, I fought for tougher gun control laws, and they brought down crime dramatically. On the other hand, Barack Obama has taken so many steps backward in dealing with national security. Don't you think, President Ahmadinejad, that Obama just doesn't understand the concept of leverage?" "Indeed I do, Mayor Giuliani. If I could speak to him right now I would say 'Mr. Obama, you are a newcomer to politics. Wait until your sweat dries and get some experience. Be careful not to read just any paper put in front of you or repeat any statement recommended'." "Absolutely, Mr President. I worked for a president, Ronald Reagan, who understood that brilliantly, and that’s how he won the Cold War. You need to appear to be unpredictable. Reagan’s State Department understood that you need to create pressure, to create something they’re afraid of. Tell me where Obama has done that." "I can't tell you, Mayor Giuliani, because Iran is not afraid of some paper tiger who is under the pressure of capitalists and the Zionists. He couldn't do a damn thing." "Well, he couldn't do a damn thing right, I'll grant you that. Say, do you mind if I call you Mahmoud?" "Not at all, Rudy. You know I like the philosophy of Ronald Reagan you just brought up, that you need to create something people are afraid of. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the man I work for, follows much the same philosophy." "I'll tell you straight, Mahmoud, a nuclear-free world has been a 60-year dream of the Left, just like socialized health-care." "Yes, it is a foolish dream to think that Iran would willingly give up our nuclear destiny." "Don't let the bastards get you down, Mahmoud. This is an administration in a state of confusion about how to deal with terrorism. They’re out of control. It’s not inconsequential how the president dithers over so many issues, yet when it comes to dealing with Israel, one of our strongest allies, he doesn’t show much ambiguity." "That is a certainty, Rudy. He always greets Israel with the sort of hugs and kisses a mother would offer a child." "Are you kidding? With Israel, he has been extremely hostile." "Sorry, Rudy, I forgot that you don't hate the Jews." "No apology needed, Mahmoud, I forgot that you do. But with everything else we have in common, let's just agree to disagree on that one."

Run Stormy Run

From the best press release ever, wherein Stormy Daniels, porn star and potential opponent of Senator David Vitter announces her move to the Republican Party: "While this decision has not been an easy one, recent events regarding Republican National Committee fundraising at Voyeur, an LA based lesbian bondage themed nightclub finally tipped the scales... As is the case with so many of my fellow Louisianans, I have been a registered Democrat throughout my life. But now I cannot help but recognize that over time my libertarian values regarding both money and sex and the legal use of one for the other is now best espoused by the Republican Party."

Karzai rejected

Afghanistan's insurgency today responded to recent remarks from Prime Minister Hamid Karzai, who had threatened that if the international community didn't stop pressuring him to get his government in order, he would join the Taliban. "Well isn't that special," said Taliban spokesman Mohammad Mahsud, broadcasting from Radio Fazullah in Pakistan's Swat Valley. "I relayed Karzai's words to our great leader Mullah Omar, and I swear on Allah's name that the man almost smiled. Almost, it is true, and I could tell that it was an effort for him to suppress it. I myself broke into a broad grin upon seeing such a wild display of emotion, and it is just such a grin that I wear now as I repeat Mullah Omar's reply to Karzai's foolish pledge - thanks, but no thanks." "This is a silly man who hides beneath a silly hat. We are rugged, dangerous men who are not afraid to die, and Hamid Karzai looks like a concierge from a Kabuli chicken restaurant. Seriously, does this man look like he has ever fired an ak-47 in his life? I believe that the only thing he has ever shot off was his mouth. I'm afraid the Taliban has certain standards, and one of those is to refuse membership to anyone who has aided infidels in killing us. Oh, and one more thing. What is that growing on Karzai's face? A beard like that would be laughed right out of the Taliban." "I guess they've got a point with that aiding and abetting thing," said Karzai upon learning about his rejection. "Of course they forget that I supported the Taliban before the invasion, and then... things just got crazy, that's all, and I had some great opportunities come my way that anyone would have jumped at, and... oh well, I understand where they're coming from. But that remark about my beard was totally uncalled for."

Karzai increasingly feisty

Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai lashed out again at the West this weekend, accusing the United States of interfering in Afghan affairs. Karzai's remarks came just two days after his apology to Hillary Clinton for accusing the US of rigging the Afghan election (which he miraculously won anyway). "Just what makes Captain Obvious think the we're interfering in his country's affairs," said the exasperated Secretary of State. "Is it the 100,000 troops we have fighting there, or the billions of dollars worth of aid that he keeps misdirecting? Honestly, sometimes I don't even know why we bother. Wait, I remember why. Because if we weren't fighting in that hellhole, the Republicans would say we're soft on terror." Karzai, who has been getting increasingly cozy with Iran, has begun visiting tribal elders and telling them they have veto power over any further military operations, implying that the insurgency may soon be legitimized as a national resistance. "Well that's opening up a whole new can of worms, isn't it?" said General Stanley McChrystal, lead Commander in Afghanistan. "Of course, a can of worms is considered a delicacy in this godforsaken wasteland, but the point is, I surely don't savor the idea of being considered an occupier rather than a liberator. I suppose it would be unsoldierly of me to say this whole thing is starting to look like a lost cause, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought, so I won't say it." Karzai appeared to have reached the boiling point on Saturday when he met with Parliament to berate them for refusing to give him the power to appoint all the members of the Electoral Complaints Commission. "If you and the international community pressure me more," he told them, "I swear that I am going to join the Taliban." "Whoops-a-daisy," said Clinton, upon hearing these remarks. "I think I see a possible solution to our Karzai problem."

Steele to Vatican?

Michael Steele resurfaced today after being missing ever since news first broke of the Republican National Committee's unusual spending patterns. Ron Hasslehoff, a spokesman for Steele, said that the Chairman was not avoiding the controversy, but instead had been out of the country to discuss some intriguing new opportunities. "If the Republican Party was to foolishly force out their most successful leader in a generation, a man with Mr Steele's unique talents would certainly be highly sought after," said Hasslehoff. "But the fact remains that irregardless of what happens now, his term expires in December and he may be disinclined to sign up for another two year with a bunch of ingrates." Word quickly got out that Steele had spent the week in Rome, and speculation has run rampant that his destination may have been Vatican City, a rumor which Steele today confirmed. "Was I in Vatican City? Is the Pope Catholic? Yes he is, and so am I, so it makes perfectly good sense that I was meeting with my spiritual leader. What? There weren't any rumors about me meeting with Benedict? Well, you all missed the boat on that one, baby. Like Sarah Palin said, and I'm paraphrasing here, if God shows you an open door, there's no reason to kick the motherfucker in." Indeed there is not, for at the moment, the door to the Vatican treasury is wide open to the right individual. As outrage over the pedophile priest scandal has grown, contributions to Catholic coffers has dropped at such a dizzying rate that the Vatican is in danger of having to sell some of their solid gold doorknobs. "It's admittedly been a rough patch," says Holy See spokesman Federico Lombardi. "The Pope has not been able to buy a new crown in over a three weeks. Now don't get me wrong, I know you may have seen pictures of him wearing a new one yesterday, but he had to buy that one with his own money. I confess, it fills my heart with sorrow to see the Holy Father having to pay for his own vestments." And where does Michael Steele fit into all of this? Father Lombardi wouldn't go into specifics, but he would confirm that Steele and Benedict had met on three occasions during the week, and were scheduled to meet again. "The Holy Father was quite taken with how Mr Steele has been able to shepherd the Republican Party from the dustbin of history to the verge of victory. He thought there were lessons that he might apply to his own administration. He was definitely impressed with his fund-raising prowess. And as far as any whiff of scandal surrounding Mr Steele, hey, you don't know the meaning of scandal. I can say no more, but don't let that give you the impression that we're in any type of negotiations." "We'll see how the next couple weeks play out," says Steele, refusing to comment on his immediate future. "If the Party treats me right, it's conceivable I might stay. And if not, lets just say that Cardinal Steele has a certain ring to it."

the best fake Tom Jones song ever

Lovage - 'Anger Management'

Census Day

Declaring April 1st to be 'Census Day' in a presidential proclamation, Barrack Obama yesterday answered the ten simple questions on the form and dropped it into the White House mailbox. Or did he? "Well, I saw the picture that the White House press corps released," said news commentator Lou Dobbs. "It appears to be the president, and it appears as though he is taking a pen to some piece of paper which may or may not be a census form, but I would say this photograph is far for conclusive. He could be signing a letter of apology to Kim Jong-il for all I know." "He very rikery could be," agreed Kim Jong-il. "How dumb does this man think the American people are?" asked perennial presidential candidate Alan Keys. "How condescending, how arrogant. Everybody knows that April 1st is April Fools Day. Look at your calendar, people. Does it say 'Census Day'? No it does not. Barack Obama no more filled out a census form than I can dance the Funky Mandingo." Within hours of the announcement, Orly Taitz filed a suit in District Court demanding that Obama produce proof that he in fact responded to the census. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs issued a statement saying that this would be impossible, as the mailman had already picked it up, a statement that Congresswoman Michele Bachmann greeted with skepticism. "Oh, now we're supposed to believe that the Anointed One suddenly doesn't have the power to retrieve a piece of mail when it's a matter of national security," she told Sean Hannity on his radio show. "I'm not buying it. Yeah, he made a real big deal of trying to convince everyone else they should fill it out so they would get 'proper representation', but what he represents is antithetical to the wants and needs of the American people." "I couldn't agree more, Michele," replied Hannity. "Plus, he probably thinks if he doesn't provide the information, the next administration won't be able to round him up."

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The Taunters

In one of their rudest gestures to date, the Taliban has begun mocking President Barack Obama for visiting Afghanistan at nighttime unannounced, creating a situation that made it virtually impossible for them to attack and kill him. "The Mujahideen have driven the enemy further into the corner, to the extent that he is now not able to visit Afghanistan in daylight," they posted on their official website, 'The Smoking Infidel', accompanied with a badly photoshopped picture of Obama's head grafted onto the body of a yellow-bellied jackal. "He comes during the night and hurries back in darkness, ironically acting like a thief. We apologize for the lack of further graphic representation, but unfortunately we found through an exhaustive Google search that most Thieves in the Night ironically look much like us." The Taliban went on to announce that as of today, on their web site, they will feature Dankrias 'Taliban Dan' al-Sluvitz as their official taunter. "With Allah as my witness, no one can mock with the ferocity of Taliban Dan. Before long the entire Muslim world will know that your President Obama is the most cravenly coward America has produced since your President Bush. Take it away, Dan." "Ha, ha! Greetings, frightened American infidels. Tell me, if you would, why did your President Obama cross the road? Because he is a chicken! Bada bing! I've got a multitude of them, and my mockery shall be merciless. We shall taunt you on the beaches, we shall taunt you in the fields and streets, and in the name of the Prophet, we shall never surrender. Or stop taunting."