Friday, June 10, 2011

Newt soldiers on

There are many in the political realm who have said from the beginning that a run for the Republican nomination by Gingrich was a ridiculous conceit that had no chance of success. Newt was not one of those. Sadly, however, his campaign manager, his spokesman, his top strategists, and most of his highly paid consultants were among the non-believers, and yesterday they held a surprise party for Gingrich where they gleefully told the old megalomaniac where he could stick it.
"Frankly, I'm a lot better off without these hangers-on," Newt said yesterday in an impromptu interview with ABC which took place on his driveway. "They were a money drain, and they were an emotional drain, what with their incessant harping on me to get out there and campaign. People are attracted to my brilliant mind, not my sparkling personality, and with 'Newt 2.0™' launching on Sunday, I'll be free to fight on the battlefield of ideas. And that's one place where I definitely have the most ammunition."
"It's a virtual world nowadays, one where having a corporeal presence in an actual geographic place offers no strategic advantage. That said, I will be physically in New Hampshire on Monday for the Republican debate since they lack the vision to allow me to participate via live video, but the most important place for me to be is everywhere. I'm on Facebook, I'm a twittering fool, and I can show up on any blog in America at a moment's notice. As a matter of fact, I'm on one right now. Nice picture, Hoback, it shows off my steely left eye."

Newt Gingrich's week, already ranked as one of his personal worst, took a surprisingly turn even further south into the unquiet zone of utter failure today after his schnauzer Mitzi became the latest creature to desert him. Citing a lack of any meaningful emotional connection, Mitzi indicated that she would prefer to take her chances on the street.

"Losing Mitzi is a real blow," Newt admitted. "It means that Calista is going to want to get another schnauzer, and she'll want me to go with her. That might not sound like such a big deal, but Calista won't get the first dog she sees. No, she'll want to look and look, and then she'll want to go back and narrow it down, and the truth is that will really cut into my twitter time. It's a real battle, but I will soldier on, and despite what the political pundits think, I will win this battle."
"If you recall your history this is quite reminiscent of the Battle of Thermopylae where King Leonidas took his small band of spunky Spartans into battle against Xerxes the Great and the massive Persian Army. We all know how that turned out, and the reason that Leonidas was able to defeat Xerxes was due to his skill in using brain power."
"Of course, if you don't remember history, this is also similar to what happened to John McCain back in 2007. He lost all his top advisers, and he had problems with his cash flow - mine is tied up in diamonds - but he was able to recover and he went on to win the nomination. The only real difference is that even during his roughest period, McCain still had a dog and people who believed in him. And he didn't have Calista."


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Nice touch with the mind-trippy meta-blogging moment there when your subject became cognizant of his position.

    (It is no accident this all occured on the day of Weiner. Everyone knows Newt's got him beat in the sliminess department by a landslide.)

  3. McCain never actually won the nomination.

    He ran out of money for fuel so his bus was still in the parking lot when all the other candidates quit.

    McCain was just lucky to still be hanging around when they needed a candidate.

  4. His pit crew left before he finished qualifying - and he doesn't even know where the gas nozzle goes!

  5. "People are attracted to my brilliant mind, not my sparkling personality,"

    Imagine if Obama called himself brilliant. This guy is about as brilliant as a character on Jersey Shore.

  6. Better the Gekko than the Newt!

    I thought Trump was the King of Pretentious Crap...But Newt sure trying hard for that crown...
    In light of the caliber of Republicans seeking the nomination, how about a grass-roots effort to draft Ronald McDonald... He'd fit right in!

  7. Someone needs to tell Newt that candidates go to primary states to see as well as be seen. If anybody needs to see how the other 98% live, It's Newt and Calista.

  8. I love it when the dog is the smartest one in the room.
    Thanks for another great dog story, Mark.

  9. I don’t think you are being fair to Newt, I mean he has run through all the women in Washington Calista is the only one left, he can’t afford to piss her off.

  10. It's a rule for good managers (and smart people in general) to always praise your departing team.

    I guess Newtie missed that one as he was diligently plagiarizing the thesis that won him his Ph.D.


    Nice job, Mark!