Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Newt Gingrich revealed his inner diva this morning, finally reviving a delightful side of himself which has not been much on display during his current resurrection, but one which we all knew was simply waiting backstage for a hearty encore.
'FOX and Friends' welcomed the former Speaker to his first ever appearance on the network, congratulating him on his South Carolina victory before moving to the really controversial topics.
"And now you're off to another debate," Gretchen Carlson began brightly. "Now, the thinking has been that you do so well in debates that you probably like all these debates. But what was your to last night's debate, because the audience was taken out of it, and up until now, the audience has been your fan."
"That's true, Gretchen, quite true," Gingrich replied, a dark look coming over his fleshy face. "I would take it a step further and say they positively adore me. They worship me, because I'm the only candidate in this race that pretends they're equal, intelligent enough to be able to handle the startling truths that I chose to bestow on them."
"Well, I suppose, although some would say that they just have a hankering for the red meat that you supply."
"Who else gives them meat, Gretchen? Romney just throws them croutons... I wish in retrospect I’d protested when Brian Williams took them out of it because I think it’s wrong, and I think he took them out of it because the media is terrified that the audience is going to side with the candidates against the media, which is what they’ve done in every debate."
"Do you think that's totally true?" Steve Doocy added, even though no one had asked for his two cents. "After all, we're the media too, Mister Speaker."
"Are you really, Doocy? I know FOX News is, but what are you? Please don't speak unless you're spoken to."
"But all I said was..."
"Shhh. I said please," Gingrich continued. "I've made an executive decision, because that's what a real president does. We're going to serve notice on future debates. We're just not going to allow that to happen. That's wrong."
"It sure is," Carlson cheerfully agreed.

"The media doesn’t control free speech. People ought to be allowed to applaud if they want to."
"Woo, woo!" Doocy exclaimed, applauding loudly.
"Shut up, Doocy, one more word and I'm out of here... Go ahead, Gretchen, I'm sure you probably want to ask me just how I intend to remedy this situation."
"What situation, Mister Speaker?"
"The situation where the mainstream media is able to restrict the hand clapping freedom of the American people... No one got to cheer me either, and that's a bit of a psychological handicap."
"Okay, got it Mister Speaker. Tell me, what do you intend to do about the mainstream medias attempt to shackle the hand clapping freedom of the American people?"
"Good question, Gretchen. I intent to use free market principles to get my way. And I'm serving notice. I will refuse to do any further debates at any media outlets that impede the God given right of the American people to raise a ruckus, thereby denying them the vast ratings and enormous advertising revenues that my participation ensures."
"I thought debates were revenue losers," chuckled Doocy.
"I told you one more word and I was out of here, Doocy, but you wouldn't listen. Sorry to leave so abruptly, Gretchen, but the fight for my personal liberty is a never-ending one and  must not be so inanely interrupted."

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