Booking Mitt

"Chris? Chris Wallace? Hello, how are you today? This is Mitt Romney."   "How's everything, Governor? I was just telling my executive producer that I was expecting to hear from you sometime before the close of business."   "Oh, really? The truth is, I just decided to call you a couple of minutes ago. Spur of the moment. Totally spontaneous. I'm like that sometimes. Drives my staff crazy. So why did you think I was going to call you? Not that you were wrong, but why were you thinking I would just decide to call Chris Wallace?"   "Journalistic instinct. That and the fact that I happened to look at the calendar, and I couldn't help but notice that due to Christmas and New Year's there are only two more dates for FOX News Sunday before the Iowa caucus."   "Really? Let me check... I've got a calendar right here on my computer and... By gosh, you're right."   "Of course. I'm a journalist. Anyway, I thought that considering the most recent polls..."   "Polls? Which polls? I see an incredible amount of polls, Chris. I wonder if you could be more specific."   "No problem, Governor. To steal a line from Sarah Palin, 'all of them'. I thought in light of that you might be rethinking your policy of avoiding the Sunday shows."   "Hmmm... No, I haven't been thinking that, Chris, but now that you mention it, it might be an interesting idea. Let me just take a look... Hey, looks like you're in luck. I think that I could pencil you in for December 18th."   "I'm sorry, Governor, but I'm afraid that would be impossible. Like I said, the 18th will be our last show of the year..."   "Works for me. That way I don't need to worry about someone showing up the next week and upstaging me. Not that I would ever worry about such a thing."   "I know that you wouldn't, Governor, but the fact is, that since it is the last show before the Iowa caucus, we're going to want to feature the frontrunner."   "That could very well be me, Chris."   "No it couldn't, Governor. You can't possibly turn things around in one week."   "Begging your pardon, Chris, but according to my calendar that's eleven and a half days."   "Nevertheless, we confirm all our bookings on Wednesday morning. So, should I count on you for this Sunday?"   "You're pretty certain that the 18th is taken?"   "I'm certain it will be."   "Well... I guess, go ahead and pencil me in. I've been thinking of giving you guys at FOX another chance, anyway."   "That's very gracious of you, Governor. Now, you won't be pulling an attitude on me, will you?"   "An attitude?"   "You know, like you did with Bret Baier the last time FOX had you on the air. That was not a good appearance."   "Do you really think so? I was just showing him a little glimpse of my spontaneous side, and I suppose that it's possible he just doesn't get the Mitt Romney sense of humor."   "I suppose that perhaps he does not. All right, then, I'll see you Sunday. And remember - no spontaneity."   "It's against my true nature, but I'll try."

Herman Cain can deliver the goods

After being bold enough to declare his candidacy with a rather bizarre reinterpretation of MLK's 'free at last' speech - which now apparently means being "Free from legislation that's being forced down the throat of the American people like Obamacare" as well as freedom from a stagnant economy - businessman Herman Cain took another huge step in his fight for the GOP nomination by appearing on the indispensable FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace.   "I had the courage to announce on a day when the earth very well could have ended," Cain told Wallace, after arriving on the set with a twinkle in his eye and a large Italian sausage and mushroom pizza. "Of course it didn't, which I had already boldly predicted. It might have ended for Mitch Daniels, but it's only beginning for me. Go on brother, have a slice of this pie before it goes and gets cold on us."   Wallace asked if Cain had brought the pie in order to remind the American people of how as CEO of Godfather's he had returned the chain to prosperity through his program of hard work, innovation, and fiscal austerity.   "Does it make you think of that, Chris?" Cain replied. "If so, that's a good thing, because that's the way we can get this country back on track. But take a closer look. This isn't an Italian sausage and mushroom pizza, this is a metaphor pizza. This pizza says Herman Cain can deliver the goods. And check out how those good are still piping hot."   "And delicious," agreed Wallace, wiping a strand of 100% real mozzarella from his chin. "But I want to ask you an important question about your political action committee. Our extensive FOX News research has turned up the fact that your Hermanator PAC only has a balance of thirteen dollars. That's scarcely enough money to buy one of your delectable pizzas."   "That's because FOX News has a pretty jive research department," Cain responded, holding a slice threateningly. "I know it's not your fault, but if they had done their homework, you'd be aware of the fact that I shut down the Hermanator PAC in January. I've got a new one named the Friends of Herman Cain which will file with the FEC July 15th."   "You're right, that is some pretty jive research," Wallace admitted, watching sadly as Cain returned the remaining pizza to the box. "Please, you don't have to go yet. If you'll let me have another slice, we can go on for another segment."   "You drive a hard bargain, Chris, but like I said, Herman Cain delivers the goods. Here you go. Tasty, isn't it? They double up on the toppings when they know it's for me. You want any parmesan with that?"   "Please. And please tell me, if you would, how much money do you have in the Friends of Herman Cain PAC?"   "I could, but I won't, Chris, because I don't want my competition to know. But I can tell you, we are not broke. Far from it. We could afford to buy pizza for everybody here at FOX News, including Glenn Beck."   "That guy can eat a lot of pizza."   "I'll bet he can, Chris, I'll bet he can. He'd probably want some sort of wild toppings like anchovies and avocado, but I'm never going to find out. He's a little too crazy for me."   "Tell me about it. That's why FOX News is canning his ass. So you're saying that at this point, the Herman Campaign is financially sound, is that correct?"   "Yes, but we could always use more, Chris. I've been doing a little research, and I've found that it's not illegal to offer voters refreshments as long as you remain at least fifty feet away from the polling place. I'm looking at the possibility of setting up free hot pizza stands outside of the primary polls, with my picture and my slogan, 'Herman Cain can deliver the goods'. That's going to take a lot of money."   "Well, it's a worthy cause. Could I have just one more... Ah, thank you. And one more question before you go..."   "Go ahead, Chris."   "Can you come back again next Sunday?"

the non-contendor

"Chris? Come on, Chris, this is bad television. What, are you going to sit there for the entire segment and just glare at me? I don't need to do a monologue, Chris, I have my own show. Which is doing quite well, thank you very much. Matter of fact, we had our best ratings ever last night. Yes I know, you're going to say that's because I was on every news show on the air this week hyping it, and that's true, that's a fact, but you know, the ratings have been coming along nicely and the fact that I had Ted Nugent on certainly didn't hurt."   "Really Chris, you're being kind of childish. I mean, what is this, you're not even running any captions on the screen. Yeah I know, 'foolish non-contendor', but that's a label, not a caption. And it's misspelled. And it's inaccurate. I'm not foolish. I know you think that I'm the only Republican out there with wide enough appeal and low enough negatives to beat Obama, but you've been around long enough to know the political facts of life - an incumbent president is impossible to beat unless they're perceived as a real loser. Jimmy Carter was seen as a loser and so was Bush I, but the fact of the matter is that Obama is not, no matter how hard we've tried to paint him as one. I would have lost two years of my life, and for what?"   "Okay, Chris, we're colleagues, we both work for the same network, so I'm not going to walk off your show even though it's crystal clear that's what you want. I guess you booked me lead on the show thinking that you would have the first interview with the latest presidential contender, the one who's leading in all the polls. That's contender with an 'E', by the way - I'm under no illusion that you misspelled that by accident. I'm not your monkey, I'm not here for your entertainment. I'm here to provide opinion and analysis, so I'm sure you must have a question for me. No? You don't want me to say whether I think Mitch Daniels is likely to run? No? Hey Chris, weren't you the least bit suspicious when FOX didn't ask me to step down? No? You think I would have Ted Nugent on a show where I'm going to announce for president? For Pete's sake Chris, I played 'Cat Scratch Fever' with him, am I going to play a naughty song like that and then announce for president?"   "Okay, Chris, have it your way. We still have eight minutes to fill, so I'll just interview myself. So Mike, do you think Sarah Palin is more likely to run now that you're out of the race? Well Mike, it does crate a window of opportunity that wasn't there before, but I'm still rather doubtful that she's going to get in. Michele Bachman, on the other hand is likely to see this as a real opening with many of the evangelical voters that..."

the next front-runner

"...and as I announced a couple of weeks ago, I simply refuse to interview Trump until he proves he is going to run. Perhaps not even then, because in my mind, he is just not a genuine candidate. A more serious candidate emerged just yesterday, and he's our guest this morning. Daniel Lawrence Whitney, welcome to FOX News Sunday."   "Thank you, Chris. It's a pleasure to be here."   "A lot of folks, myself included, were surprised at your announcement that you were forming an exploratory committee."   "I understand that Chris. The decision came about rather quickly. Like most people, I've been concerned about the direction of the country, but never considered running for office. But last Sunday, I was watching Donald Trump on one of the Sunday shows..."   "Not mine. As I've said, I won't have him on."   "Not yours, Chris. Anyway, it was an embarrassment. And then I saw tape of the Trump rally in Los Vegas..."   "The one with all the F-bombs?"   "That's the one, Chris. Now don't get me wrong, I'm an entertainer and I occasionally use the F-bomb in one of my routines, but never on anything intended for broadcast, and never repeatedly just for shock value."   "He won't ever have the opportunity to try that on my show."   "That's good, Chris, because I'm sure a lot of kids watch your program. Anyway, I asked myself, how can Trump be the front-runner for the Republican nomination? The man is a clown, and not in a good way. But then, consider the person he took the lead from - Sarah Palin. She's Donald Trump in a skirt."   "Ho ho, good one, Daniel."   "I'm not kidding, Chris. People say that she is a female Larry the Cable Guy minus the class and intelligence, but I've got to disagree. I see a much closer resemblance to Trump, the same pandering, vulgarity and fundamental lack of seriousness."   "And you see yourself as a viable alternative?"   "I do, Chris. I understand the issues. One thing that has become crystal clear to me is that the Republican party wants a celebrity. That's why they moved so seamlessly from Palin to Trump, and why I think they'll take to me very quickly."   "Your really think the GOP wants a celebrity President?"   "Absolutely. They've been looking for another celebrity candidate ever since Ronald Reagan."    "Good point. But as a comedian don't you..."   "As a comedian I can guarantee you that I'll have the most entertaining rallies of any candidate."   "People will have a certain amount of difficulty separating Daniel Lawrence Whitney from the Larry the Cable Guy character."   "Not a problem, Chris. People love the character, and truth be told, there's a lot of him in me. I just need to show people another side, that I'm not just Larry the Cable Guy, I'm also Lawrence the Able Guy."   "Well, for a start, you've got a real winner of a slogan. Thanks for being with us Mister Whitney, and the best of luck with your potential run."   "Thanks, Chris, I know I can get 'er done."

Westboro Blues

Joining us now on FOX News Sunday is attorney Marge Phelps, the deplorable daughter of the deplorable Fred Phelps, pastor of the deplorable Westboro Baptist Church. Ms Phelps recently won her first amendment argument in front of the Supreme Court, but today she's in the news for another reason.

That's right, Chris. I got a lot of attention for publicly saying something that pretty much everybody already knew - the nine justices on the Supreme Court are all going to burn in Hell.

Don't you think that's a little harsh? They just ruled in your favor, guaranteeing your right to disrupt any funeral that you wish to.

That's true, Chris, but they still are a bunch of Catholics and Jews who defend homosexuality and abortion, so I hardly think my judgment is nearly as harsh as God's will be.

But all nine? Do you believe even Justices Thomas and Scalia will be cast into the lake of fire?

I have no objective indicator otherwise. The default for mankind is hell. Unless you bring forth fruits meet for repentance, the assumption is that you will end up in hell when you quit your life on this earth. You know who will be joining the Supreme Court in eternal torment? Barack Obama. There, I said it.

Yes you did, right here on FOX News. Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day so I hate to challenge you, but are you absolutely sure all the justices and the president are going to burn?

Absolutely Chris. That's a big 10-4. I already answered on the justices. The president is going to be king of the world before this is all said and done, and he is most likely the Beast spoken of in the revelation. You really can't get much more damned than that.

Okay. Just for fun I thought we would show you pictures of some famous people and get your opinion on their chances in the afterlife. Let's start with House Majority Leader John Boehner.

Oh my, why even ask? He's a smoker, a drinker, a profaner, and he plays golf on Sundays. You know who'll be escorting him to Hell? His little Jewish sidekick Eric Cantor.

Pelosi? Please, don't even show me anybody else from the House... My dad calls it the whore House, and I agree and so does God.

Sean Hannity? He's double damned. Not only is he a Catholic, he's said some very unkind things about Westboro Baptist Church.

Rob Zombie? I would be quite surprised if he doesn't end up being cast into the bottomless pit.

Glenn Beck? I can sum it up for you in one word, Chris - Mormon.

PeeWee? He's already done his time in Hell, Chris, so I'm pretty sure he'll be okay in the afterlife. Not positive, but pretty sure.

Puh-lease, Chris.

Rahm Emanuel? He'll be working in Hell as the main doorman.

Get that harlot's picture away from me, Chris. If Obama is indeed the AntiChrist, Sarah Palin is his devil bitch-dog Jezebel.

Well, Ms Phelps, we've gone through about ten people and you've pretty much condemned them all to Hell.

I didn't condemn them, Chris, they condemned themselves. Besides, I said I thought that PeeWee would probably be alright. Do you want to know about your own eternal fate?

No.

We'll be back after a commercial break with Senators Orin Hatch, John McCain, and John Kerry.

Hell. Hell. And Hell.

Wallace threatens to walk

FOX News Sunday Host Chris Wallace has informed the network that he intends to renege on his contract, which still has two years remaining, if he is forced to do another exclusive interview with half-governor fish wife Sarah Palin. "I can't take it anymore," the FOX host told his father Mike Wallace in a '60 Minutes' interview that will never air due to his contract and the fact that the senior Wallace is retired. "I had a great job at ABC and left because Roger Ailes told me I could have the opportunity to be my own boss. Big ha. It seems like the Republican party is now my boss. It was bad enough when they hired Huckabee and I had to do exclusives with him all the time. But at least Huckabee had a brain, albeit a tiny one. Now that they've hired Sarah Palin, I question the very meaning of my existence." Wallace's decision was apparently triggered by yesterday's exclusive interview with Palin, which he described as the "most inane of a tedious fucking lot". Topics discussed included President Obama's lack of manhood, stalkers in the Palin neighborhood, and what was written on Sarah's hand. "Jesus Christ almighty, I used to think of myself as a newsman, but I guess that's no longer the case," Wallace told Wallace. "Or is it, Dad? Dad? Dad, wake up. I'm sitting there with this insipid bitch who's scrawled on her palm with a magic marker, and she keeps flashing it at the camera, and my producer keeps hollering in my earpiece to ask her what's on her palm. And I am like I'm not going to do it. This is ridiculous. I mean, a parrot you expect to keep saying the same thing over and over, but unless you're Jimmy J. J. Walker it's rather boorish behavior in an adult. I know that whatever she's got written there, her answer is going to include something about the 'lamestream' media, and seeing as how FOX is the number one cable news source, that just strikes me as counterproductive at best. But what do I know, I'm just a talking head, not a fucking grizzly mama who's accomplished the unbelievably difficult job of governing the frozen tundra for a couple of years." "She doesn't even understand the fucking talking points. I guess you didn't have them back in the day, but they're a fact of life now. You'd hate it. But anyway, she's talking about how Obama doesn't have any cojones. That's a pretty insulting thing to say about any man, quite frankly, but the president? I'd have her killed if I was Obama, Dad, that's just between you and me... I know you're not really filming, but I still don't want you repeating that... No one listens to you anymore anyway? Huh. Welcome to my world, Dad." "We go to break and she tells me to ask her about Bristol and 'Ricky Hollywood'. Can you believe it, Ricky Hollywood? Really sad... So I ask her, to deflect attention away from her goddamn palm... Okay, Sarah - and you have to call her Sarah when you're off camera, 'cause I'm just one of the people' - I say Okay, Sarah, what about Bristol and Levi Johnson. And she says, not now, Chris, ask me when we're back on the air. I'm not fucking TMZ, I'm a journalist. Or I used to be, anyway... I guess she was going to tell me that Bristol and Levi weren't going to get married, I guess that was my 'exclusive', I really don't give a fuck. I really don't. And I really really don't care how she has to avoid certain parts of her house because Joe McGinniss is peeping at her. Put up some damn curtains, fool. I've had it, Dad, I'm going to get me a paper route."