target audience

"Hey, Frothy Boy, over here! No, not over there, over here. What are you, deaf?"   "Hi, I'm Rick Santorum. Glad that you could make it today." "No problem. You didn't mind me callin you Frothy Boy, did ya? It's a little joke me and my bud Jake came up with."   "Well, it's pretty darn clever. No, Mitt Romney might object to a little good natured humor like that, but not me."   "Why the hell would I call Mitt Romney Frothy Boy? That wouldn't make sense. We call Mitt Romney 'Cheetos', cause he looks like the kinda guy who wouldn't eat one."   "Oh, I get it. So you call me Frothy Boy because I look like the kind of guy who would never..."   "Nah, it doesn't always work that way. Anyhow, I just wanted to come down here today and shake your hand. I feel like I owe you a big debt of gratitude."   "Well that's just great. I'm glad my message resonates with you."   "Goddamn if that ain't some real Frothy Boy talk. But you're right. My old lady Sheila and I were talkin yesterday bout what you said bout college, and you nailed it. She said 'that Santorum motherfucker's got it right, why should we work our asses off so our boys can go to some snooty ass college where they can get all bamboozled by liberals? If they do end up makin something out of themselves, they're just goin to end up lookin down their nose at us.' We don't need that shit."   "I'm not sure that's the right way to look at it..."   "Course it is. Thanks to you we're lookin at a week in Vegas. You know, Sheila's parents saved all their money so they could send her to a fancy ass college, and all she did was party and get herself pregnant. Well, I helped, but still, only use she ever got out of it was to get drunk sometimes and shoot her mouth about somethin useless. What the hell you suppose to do with political science anyway?"   "I... I don't know."   "Me neither! Sheila neither!"   "Well, I'm glad you could make it here today, and I hope that I can count on your vote."   "Hell no, Rick, you ain't gonna find me anywhere near a voting booth. I know a couple voters, and believe you me, those people is some real snobs, walking around with their little 'I just voted' stickers like they was something special. I'm not gonna lower myself to their level, no way."   "Okay, then... Enjoy the rally."   "Gotta run, Frothy Boy, just stopped by to say thanks. I'm headin up town to see Cheetos - he's got Kid Rock tonight."

pancakes

Ooh! Ooh! There he is over there! You folks see him? The squirrelly looking fellow with the eyeglasses? Think you can hit him from here, Ann? Good. Okay, he's looking in this direction - let that flapjack fly!

Mitt Romney, you miserable mealy-mouthed Massachusetts moderate Mormon mental midget, did you just assault me with a pancake?

Moi? Heavens no, Rick. I flung no flapjack, and you have my solemn word on that. I didn't even know you were here, although unfortunately I can't offer the assurance of my integrity for that statement.

He speaks the truth, Paleface. My mischievous mate hoisted no hotcake. Although, in all honesty, he might know the identity of the individual that did.

She's speculating, Rick. You know how it is when you're out on the campaign trail, you meet so many people...

That is so bogus, Mitt Romney. Just look at all the pancakes you have. It's an arsenal, much more than your fair share.

I'll grant you that, Rick. I have been blessed when it come to battercakes. But take a look around this room. Almost everybody has one. I happened to notice that you had one too.

I didn't really get to enjoy it, though... I wonder, as long as you're back there...

Say no more. Ann, serve this hungry young man a nice fluffy flapjack with a couple crisp slices on the side. Know what, Rick? I think I'll change out of this folksy outfit and join you.

Uh, no... I think maybe I should just mingle with the voters and see what the Michigan mood is. I need to...

You're too late, you vulgar little man. You should know by now that Mitt's a quick change artist. Now take your plate and leave my sight.

Shake a leg, Santorum, I've got us a prime table in the 'no voters' section.

Is that all you're going to have to eat, son? It takes a hefty breakfast to run a hearty campaign, know what I mean? You don't? Well, let me have that bacon if you're just going to leave it on your plate.

They let you have bacon?

What? Are you talking about the LDS church or are you talking about my campaign manager? Because I listen to them both, and they both tell me 'you go ahead, Mitt, you eat anything you want. You want bacon, you go for it. While you're at it, have a rafter of those little link sausages you like so much'. Watch me now, I'm going to eat this entire Cheese Danish in a single bite... Mmm, that's good eating. Let me ask you something, Rick. Why on earth are you're really running for president in the first place?

You don't really think that I'm going to open myself up to you like that, do you? I've got my reasons. Why don't you tell me why you're really running?

Why not, indeed? It's always personally enlightening to reexamine your own motivations in life. So I guess I'd start out by admitting that I really don't have any beliefs that I find an overwhelmingly need to coerce people to share with me. The truth is that I'm a highly pragmatic man with a good grasp of situational politics. Now that by itself...

...thirty minutes later... Of course, my father is a pivotal figure in my overall psychological makeup. He was a very important man, a business titan who's achievements certainly dwarf my own. I may have made more money than he did, but he changed the entire auto industry. He was the governor of the great state we're in now, and on Nixon's cabinet at a crucial time in history. Of course before he took that position, he challenged Nixon in the 1968 primaries, and that was the campaign that broke his spirit...

...much later... ...and so then in 2010, when I examined the political landscape, I felt that I was ideally positioned to put forth the right sort of solutions for the country at that point in time. So I decided that...

Time to get a move on, Mitt. Everybody's gone on home. And you have another appearance in less than thirty minutes.

Thanks, Ann, I'm on top of it. It's just a fifteen minute drive, but we'd better get going. I'm sure Rick here has important things to do as well.

Oh, right, I sure do. I've got a crucial interview with the Michigan media at... Oh no, doggone it to heck! I can't believe I missed it!

Got to keep your eye on the clock, my friend. See you on the road.

Wait! I haven't had a chance to tell you why I'm really running for president...

That's okay, Rick. I'm sure that you've got your reasons. Ciao.

But... Uh... I wonder if there's any more of those pancakes left...

another one rises

Third-tier conservative talker Mike Gallagher scored a minor coup Monday, landing an interview with third-tier-but-suddenly-hot GOP candidate Rick Santorum one day before the Iowa caucus.   "I'm glad I scored it when I did," quipped Gallagher. "A week from today he may have turned back into a pumpkin. Although, to be fair, all the other candidates turned orange weeks ago."   Santorum has surprised the bejesus out of everyone with his rise to theoretical viability over the past two weeks. Analysts have ascribed his surge to the fact that fundamentalist Christian conservatives have been unable to identify an acceptable candidate that doesn't either frighten, repulse, distress, or bore them. Boredom being the least of these, Santorum appears to be the last guy standing for some voters.   "I’ve seen the media completely try to shape this race," Santorum whined, wasting no time reaching out and addressing the most pressing concerns of Iowa voters. "It's not just the liberal media. It’s even FOX News," he continued, a statement that made Gallagher temporarily lose his composure.   "What do you mean, FOX News?" Gallagher sputtered. "FOX News is fair, balanced and unafraid, and I've got a gig there... Granted it's not a regular gig, but maybe one day that call will come. Support your accusation with evidence, you scoundrel."   "You've ignored me, Mike. This is a general attitude of the elite media in our country, both conservative and liberal, who think they know best and they’re going to decide based on who they think the candidate should be, who you should think the candidate's going to be."   "I... don't know what you just said. Let me asked you a question, Santorum - are you pissed because I've never had you on my show? Because I don't have a friggin show. I'm a friggin occasional FOX News analyst."   "Yeah, another occasional FOX New analyst who thinks they're going to get their own show. I've been there, my friend, and now I'm reduced to running for president just to raise my profile. Let me ask you something - when you've been doing your analysis, have you ever said, 'I think Rick Santorum is going to be the next president?'"   "Jeez, you've really developed an attitude since you picked up a few poll points, Santorum. No, I've never said you're going to be the next president. Nobody has, because nobody believes it... But let me tell you something - I've seen you on 'FOX and Friends' and Cavuto and Hannity and I believe that you once even made an appearance on FOX News Sunday. Sounds like you've gotten a lot better treatment than Buddy Roemer or Gary Johnson. What do you say to that, huh?""Bill O’Reilly has refused to put me on his program! As far as he was concerned, I wasn’t a worthy enough candidate to earn a spot, sit across from him and be on his program"   "Okay, Santorum. Whatever. Have a nice campaign." "Man, that guy really grills my cheese," Gallagher said at the conclusion of the interview. "You know, when Newt bashes the media, it seems like he's a real fighter, but Santorum just whines. That's why nobody wants him on their show." "You've got that right, brother," Oreilly stated when informed of Santorum's statements. "God no, I don't have that wussy weasel on my show... But I suppose that I'll need to respond to his charges just in case FOX hires him back in a couple weeks."