Jon Stewart Knows What Book He's Getting Cruz And Rubio For The Holidays - [image: Jon Stewart Knows What Book He's Getting Cruz And Rubio For The Holidays] The Daily Show's Jon Stewart opened up his show this Thursday by first t...
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| In further proof of the old religious curse that the incompetencies of the father are visited upon the son, baby-faced North Korean President Kim Jong-un suffered his second major military embarrassment in less than a month, not bad for a lad only a few weeks into his dictatorship. To make matters worse, the mortifying incident occurred following a military parade which was supposed to divert attention from the utter failure of North Korea's mighty space rocket and observation satellite - the little ship that couldn't. |
"It was a grand parade intended to show off the North's mighty new weapon," said Nonom DePlume of the Associated Press. "At first we though they had even reinstituted the legendary DPRK Women Warriors of War for the parade, but it quick became sadly clear that it was simply a case of the regular army no longer being able to afford pants. I guess the point is, even more than a mighty rocket ship, the thing North Korea wants most is a working Inter Continental Ballistic Missile System... Uh, let me rephrase that, what the people want most is a sandwich, but the military has been yearning for ICBMs for a long time. Working ones."
"We thought that perhaps they had some that might work this time," continued DePlume. "Well, we thought it was a possibility, at least. A remote one. Just yesterday they claimed their mighty missile would be able to defeat the United States with a single blow. And the day before I believe it could reduce South Korea to ashes in the blink of an eye. That would be a mighty missile, but nobody was exactly on red alert..."
"The thing is, they never should have put them on display. Never. Those were some phony-ass missiles, I'm telling you. They didn't even fit on the launchers. The casings were all wrong, so thin and fake, and they looked like they were made out of a combination of liquid-fuel and solid-fuel components which means, you know, they would just blow up on launch. If they were real, that is."
"Such arrogance is really indecent coming from a French man," responded North Korea's top general Vice Marshal Ri Yong-ho. "Tell Mister DePlume our missiles are quite real, as he will find out soon when he is annihilated. One more thing. Perhaps our missiles have been intended to blow up on launch so that we don't destroy the planet until we're ready. Think about that, Nonom DePlume. As a matter of fact, get ready to die. I'm launching now. Hahahaha.. Oh. Oh dear. Forgive me great leader, Kim Jong-un. I forgot to ask his coordinates. I suppose I'll be the next to meet an untimely demise."
"Well, DePlume was wrong about one thing," said Colonel Dean Frank of the Joint Special Operations Command a few moments later. "Sorry about the eavesdropping, but national security, you know. Anyway, the satellite photos just came in a few minutes ago, and not only did North Korea's new ICBM not blow up on launch, it actually attained an altitude of 27 feet and flew a full mile and a half. It didn't explode on impact, either, but I guess you could say that if this isn't their most deadly missile yet, at least it's the most hilarious."
Good evening, loyal citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. I hope that many of you are gathered around your community's television set and are listening to me with your full attention, for tonight I bring you both good news and bad news. Now before you grow too apprehensive, allow me to say that the bad news has nothing to do with your sadly meager food rations. Unfortunately neither does the good news.
Now as I'm sure you're aware, since today is the occasion of a rare half-day holiday, we are in the midst of celebrating the centennial of the birth of my paternal grandfather, the revered Kim Il-sung, the man you refer to as Eternal President. Which is something of a misnomer, but seeing as the only other leader any of you have ever known was my dad, I'll let it pass.
The reason you have been summoned to gather around your community television set is to reveal to you the reason why your rice sacks have admittedly been on the skimpy side over the past eighteen months. My father - the man you inexplicably referred to as Beloved Leader - had this burning desire to buy something special to properly commemorate the hundredth birthday of his father - a rocket ship mighty enough to launch an Earth observation satellite... Yeah, I know, it doesn't seem like a high priority for a starving country to me either, but you know my dad, he probably thought he could mount a bomb on it.
Long story short, I summoned you to congregate around your communal television set this evening in the hope that I could share with you glorious video footage of the launch of our mighty rocket ship, and the good news is that I shall do so right now. Roll it, Jon-sun.
Okay, this is the countdown... three, two, one... blast off! Wow, take a look at those flames! That's impressive isn't it? You could cook a weenie in those flames if you were fortunate enough to have one... Slowly thrusting upwards into the cloudless sky and bit by bit gaining speed and altitude.. and now it rises so high that it's just a small silver needle in the sky and... and now it's much easier to see because it just tragically blew the hell up in a spectacular explosion and is falling into the ocean much like a metal pelican...
That's the bad news... It's like we just took your lunch money for the next year and flushed it down the toilet... That's a western device that most of you have probably never seen or even heard of because unfortunately my dad and my granddad had other priorities, such as nuclear missiles and Earth observation satellites... Or as dad would say 'deadry nucrear missurs and Earth observation satturites'. The old man never could master the English language, which put him at somewhat of a disadvantage when it came to saber rattling.
Now I realize that many of you are listening to my words with utter disbelief because you have never before in your brainwashed life so much as considered the concept of a Korean failure. From what my father and his father regularly assured you, we just sailed from great victory to great victory and our nation had never experienced failure in our entire history. You've seen our triumphs on your community television sets, and I guess you believe what you just witnessed to be an inexplicable hoax. That's my granddad's fault, I guess, since he's the one who introduced them to the people as 'magic boxes of truth', but really, as you just saw, the televisions will play pretty much anything we want them to.
The fact is that Korea has had more than our share of failures in the past. Did you know that there are countries in this world where the people aren't starving? It's true, but since you've always been told we're the Land of Plenty, I'm sure that's a difficult concept. I'm just hoping to initiate a little minor course correction here, so don't fret too much about it. And have yourself a very merry Kim Il-sung Day.
| Thanks so much for that wonderful introduction, Governor Corbett, and of course for your wonderful endorsement. Let me just start out by saying how great it is to be back here in the great state of Pennsylvania. In particular I have a special fondness for Chester County, which is the not only the most beautiful but also the most affluent in the entire state. The thing I like the most is that you have all the advantages of the great city of Philadelphia without having to actually live there. I'm sure Governor Corbett here agrees with me, don't you, Governor? You don't go into Philly, do you? No, I didn't think so, there's a good reason the people of Chester County call it Filthydelphia. They've got this mayor, Mayor Nutter, and I'd just say that he's aptly named. He's already endorsed Barack Obama and... it's okay, folks, you can boo, I'm pretty sure Mayor Nutter isn't in attendance. |
Anyway, here in Chester County, things just seem right. The air is clean and you can walk down the street without fearing for your life. The good people look you straight in the eye and they don't try to rook you into playing Three Card Monte. And you have the same wonderful cheesesteaks that they do in Philly, only here in Chester County you can eat them with a fork and knife and no one thinks a thing about it.
Well, here we are folks. This is where the rubber meets the road, only seven months until the big dance. Any Rick Santorum supporters here today? A few, I see a few hands... Sorry about that, folks, but believe me, I'm really going to appreciate your support, even if it's due to the fact that you've pretty much run out of other options. I suppose you could always throw your vote away on Newt or even Ron Paul, but from what Governor Corbett tells me, the people of Chester County don't roll that way. And you could vote to give the most radical president in history another four years. I know that Mayor Nutter will but then he doesn't live here in Chester County where you can get your cheesesteaks made with brie for no extra charge.
I want to say something that I've been wanting to say for many months now - I'm your only viable remaining option. Really. It's come down to this. But it's okay, I know I've had the support of the good people of Chester County on my side all along. I'm someone that you all can relate to, someone who shares your concerns... The rest of the state is a little tougher, you know, like James Carville once said, Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh on the right, Philadelphia on the left, and Alabama in the middle. Considering the alternative, we should take Pittsburgh, just say to heck with Philly, and work hard to convince Alabama, that in the words of that great song, they can't always get what they want but I'm pretty certain that I'm what they need. Something like that. Okay, now that Santorum is out of the picture, let me take this opportunity to up my pander and tell you a little about the new Obama agenda. And no, I'm not the Etch-a-sketch candidate, I'm more like a computer and now it's time to reboot...
"...and while it's still too early in the process for me to say that the toppling of Obamacare is a done deal, what I'm endeavoring to do is to strategize as though it were. That way, assuming the Supreme Court strikes it down, we'll be able to swiftly move forward with retaking America while the enthusiasm of the people is still with us."
|I'm just a simple hedge fund manager, Mister Ryan, not a master of strategy like you, but wouldn't you agree when I assert that your assumption is an enormous one?|
|No, I wouldn't, Mister Paulson. Enormous is an adjective that I would reserve for my ambition, my ego, and occasionally for my shlong, but never for my aspirations for America. Perhaps the Court won't reign in the scope of federal power, but they're close, 4-5 at worst, and the Senate will never again allow the appointment of a moderate justice, much less a liberal one.|
|That's true, we never shall. Even if I fail in my primary mission and Obama somehow gets a second term, he will find himself thwarted at every turn, and given our control of the House and anticipated majority of the Senate, he will go down in the flames of impeachment well before the biennial contests.|
|Pretty words, Senator McConnell, but as is consistently the case, only time will tell. Congressman Ryan, let's say that your best case scenario is a valid one... What then are the repercussions, and what would be the next House move?|
|Great question, Mister Krauthammer, but you know, I'm just a number cruncher. I think that I should turn the response over to somebody who can make things happen.|
|Well, thank you, Representative Ryan. You're being far too modest in calling yourself a number cruncher, even if your humility is pretty much absent elsewhere. To answer your question, Krauthammer, I suppose that the first thing we've got to do after getting rid of Obamacare is to replace it, like we promised we...|
|Pardon moi, Mister Temporary Speaker, but I believe my fellow young gun Paul threw it to someone who can make things happen, and not to put too fine a point on it, that sure as hell ain't you... Now to answer your question, there is legislation that Congress has voted for in the past that would be back on the table. Care to extrapolate, Ryanator?|
|If I must... Let's take the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you care about it? Of course not, but you pay a pretty penny for it, don't you? How about labor relations law? I know you don't like that. Why should the Feds be able to tell citizens that they have to join a union against their will? That's radical fascism, just like the idea of the government telling you how much you have to pay some loser with baggy pants to fetch you a government inspected burger. Is it your fault because they're a burger fetcher? Well, yes, you were kind enough to hire them, but aspirationally the answer is no. More likely it's the fault of the public education you're forced to pay for. But let me move on to the larger point, Mister Krauthammer...|
|Just plain Krauthammer, if you will. Your points are large enough, but you don't really need to preach to the choir, Congressman Ryan. Simply tell us where you intend to go should the Court bless us all.|
|Sorry, Krauthammer, this is my first time here. Okay, the next action we do is to pass my budget through the Senate... As I'm sure you know, they say that there's no way in hell it would ever make it through the Senate, and if it did, it assuredly would not be veto proof... But, if health care is declared to be federal overreach, then what is Medicaid? What is Medicare? What is Social Security? What are all of the so-called safety net programs? They're all the same, and if even one is unconstitutional, then they all are,|
|Ergo, your budget suddenly becomes uncontroversial given the new laissez-faire economy. Very good, Congressman, very good indeed. You apparently have an impressive pair of cojones to accompany your enormous johnson.|
|Whoo-hoo, we're a winner!|
|We're all a winner, with the possible exception of... You about ready to pay up, Sheldon?|
|Yeah, yeah, what's a few million when you're having a good time? You don't really think I expected to win with Newt, do you?|
|Come on, Mister Adelson, you know that's hurtful. I ran a hard race... I'm one of the last four standing...|
|You mean Sheldon's one of the last four standing don't you, Moon Boy? And even with his money, they whipped you like a red-headed stepson.|
|Don't sulk, Newt. If you ask me nicely, I'll consider letting you come back to FOX as a special election correspondent.|
to be continued...
|"...this close cousin has the power to fundamentally transform the economy in ten short years. Now as you'll notice here on the next graph, the CBO's projection of the national debt over the next ten years after my budget is passed shows it going bug-shit crazy in 2014, then steadily going down until the end of 2022 where it shoots back up a wee little bit and then plateaus. So basically we get one hell of a roller coaster ride out of it and it really doesn't cost us that much at all." |
"Uh, Congressman Ryan, I'm having trouble reading the little numbers from here, but isn't your budget actually raising the debt by about five trillion?"
"I haven't called for question time yet, Andrea, so I'm a little reluctant to answer that question lest I be seen as rewarding your impertinence. Still, I can't let that bit of misinformation from you just lay out there and fester like some moldy chunk of cheap cheese. Government cheese if you please, the kind the government will no longer be handing out for the price of a stamp under my superlative new budget, a budget which is not only frugal but cruel and very, very cool. Raoul?"
"Don't you have a question?"
"No, I don't have a question, and I never heard you call for question time. You think just because I'm from FOX News I've got a question for you? What, did you imagine that you saw me over here waving my hand and jumping up and down or something?"
"I'm terribly sorry, Raoul, I guess I was stereotyping you a little by assuming you would have a question, and..."
"Andrea had a question. Why don't you answer that one?"
"I thought she was being a little disrespectful by asking a question before I called for question time, and so I..."
"You still haven't called for question time, Congressman, so I'd say you've been overcome by events. Now stop with the Little Miss Prissy Pants routine and answer Andrea's damn question."
"I disagree with your assertion that I'm acting like a Little Miss Prissy Pants, Raoul, but the sad fact is that the essence of Andrea's question has now totally slipped my mind."
"She asked if your budget raises the debt by five trillion."
"Oh... No, no it does not. It only raises the debt by four trillion and change. And of course that's in 2023 dollars. Anyone else? Oh come on, this is a totally revolutionary budget proposal. You're going to tell me nobody else has a question?"
"I do. Are you..."
"I'm sorry, Andrea, you already had a question."
"No I didn't. Raoul had a question."
"Okay, now technically that's true, but the fact of the matter is that he was asking your question, so it..."
"Don't you speak for me, Congressman. I think I'm going to take credit for that question, okay? Now how do you like them apples?"
"I would tell you how I like them apples, Raoul, but since you've decided to take credit for the previous query I would inadvertently be rewarding you with a second question. Well, Andrea, I suppose you get a question as a technicality."
"Oh wow, that is so very generous of you, seeing as how everyone is so dumfounded by your presentation that they don't even want to discuss it. You're cutting over five trillion from Medicaid, Medicare, welfare, federal pensions, and farm support and spending four and a half trillion of it on tax cuts for the wealthy. You're doing a reverse Robin Hood and..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there, Andrea, I believe in people who pull themselves up by the bootstraps... What I'm doing is getting rid of a safety net which lulls able-bodied people into lives of complacency and dependency, which drains them of their very will and incentive to make the most of their lives. It’s demeaning."
"Your plan is what's demeaning, and, point of order, I still haven't asked a question. So here you go. Do you actually believe the House will vote for your budget?"
"Hey, that's an easy question. Yes. Yes I do. Okay, who else has a question? Come on, people, I've got..."
"Congressman Ryan, are you suicidal?"
"I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to answer that, Roger. I saw Andrea whispering in your ear, so I'm assuming that she planted the question."
"No she didn't."
"I'm not going to get into a game of 'he said she said' with you, Roger, so if I'm wrong at least I err on the side of question time protocol. Okay, anyone else? ...No? ...Well, silence implies consent, doesn't it? ...Doesn't it? ...Okay, whatever, thanks for coming..."
"...and then I tried this one on him - you might be a redneck if you pick your teeth using a catalog... Mitt, he looks at me and says 'I prefer to use a water pic but I might be open to using a wooden toothpick while I'm here if it's in a sanitary package. But I'm sorry, Jeff, I'm not going to use a catalog, it's just not who I am'... Man just didn't get it. Course he's got a beautiful set of choppers."
"Thank you, Jeff."
"So I told him, you might be a redneck if your wallets on a chain but your dog ain't. Right? Right? And ole Mitt, he's shakin his head, and I know that he just don't understand. So I say, outta frustration, you might be a Romney if your valet has your wallet and your dog is chained to the roof of your car.. and he just howls."
"Like my dog Seamus when he rides up there. I could relate to that one, and to my understanding, relating is the very essence of humor. We found common ground then and there and a beautiful friendship was born."
"Kinda. He watched me drink a beer."
"I sure did. And then I ate a catfish, for just the second time in my life. It was delicious, just like the one I ate in 2008."
"Fact is, he kinda picked at it. And he didn't touch his cornbread. But that's the kinda guy Mitt is, true to himself."
"And true to you rednecks if you're kind enough to give me your votes... Here, let me try one. There's a good chance that you're a redneck if you don't believe in evolution... No? You don't get that? See, it's funny because it's true... I don't believe in evolution either, not really... Not in so many words. But the point is..."
"You're losin 'em, Mitt."
"No, wait, let me try one more. There's a strong possibility that you're a redneck if you believe that President Obama is actually a Muslim. And you're definitely a redneck if you believe that not only is Obama is a Muslim but that he was born in..."
"Stop it, Mitt, stop it right now. Don't make me sorry I endorsed you... I'm sorry, folks, he's not from round here and, well, he's got a great sense of humor in his own way, and..."
"See, it's funny because it's true. Crazy, yes, but crazy in a lovable sort of way..."
"Goddammit, Mitt, put a sock in it! Everybody's leavin!"
"Wait! I love the South and I love rednecks and I'd love to have your vote!"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Hold on! I've got some of those pigs-in-a-blanket that I hear rednecks love! Hey, I'm pretty sure that you're a redneck if you go out and vote for Mitt Romney! Get it? It's funny because rednecks love to do things that work against their own self interest... Jeff, where you going?... Jeff..."
Fresh from a two long month's exile spent wandering in the campaignless wilderness, Michele Bachmann has returned to the fear-mongering scene just in time to provide blessed relief to those tortured souls who were beginning to be able to catch a glimpse of their own shadows without collapsing into a outburst of gut-churning trepidation.
"If not now, then when," Bachmann cryptically quizzed crypt-keeper Glenn 'Gravedigger' Beck, editor of scream-screed 'SHRIEK!'. "If not me, then who?"
"Whom," whispered Beck, and spake not a word more.
"Exactly," replied Bachmann, suppressing a shudder. "Certainly there is horror present in the walking dead who are our final candidates - Mitt 'The Mortician', Ron Paul-Bearer, Rick 'Whose Last Name Must Not Be Googled' and Newt 'Guy in Human Centipede' Gingrich."
"I think you mean 'Human Centipede II'," cautioned Gravedigger, before withering under Bachmann's fiery gaze.
"The Birth Panels cometh!" Bachmann shrieked, which given the context was surprisingly appropriate. And then she whispered of the existence of the long rumored 'Health Dictator' in a voice so low that only the Gravedigger can be certain of the identity.
"It isn’t far-fetched to think that the president of the United States could say, we need to save health care expenses - the federal government will only pay for one baby to be born in the hospital per family, or two babies to be born per family. That could happen. We think it couldn’t?"
"Just like China? Well, I don't know that we think it couldn't happen, Michele, it's just that..."
"Michele? Do not call me by that name. Address me as 'Solyndra, Scourge of Sacrosanct Solar Solutions' or do not address me at all. As everyone here at FOX News can tell you..."
"Solyndra, about that FOX News thing... You've been wandering the wilderness for quite a few months now, haven't you? I'm, uh... Did you notice that there's only one camera in here?"
"I did, and although I found it odd, I have always known you as a man who pushed the boundaries between reality and truth."
"As I continue to do now. This is my new venture, one in which I am totally free. I call it GBTV. That's Glenn Beck Television."
"They have given you your own network? Surely your power grows by leaps and bounds. Your audience must now be massive."
"Well, it's growing. See, we're subscription based, and mainly people follow us on the web..."
"Aiiiiyeeee! The horror! The horror! I depart you now!"
"She's gotten even weirder, and coming from me, that's saying a lot... My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. I thought she knew... Ah, well, always a pleasure, even if it was a quick one. And believe me, our crack news team will be looking into these reports of the Health Dictator. That could be a huge story. But right now, I want to bring on the great American entertainer Meatloaf who says he's lost two television appearances because of reports in the liberal USA today that he's a secret conservative. Welcome to the show, Mister Loaf..."
| It's Monday, everybody, and I am the incomparable Maharushie Rush Limbaugh sitting here behind the golden EIB microphone, ready to bring you the fastest three hours in talk radio. Fast for you, anyway... For me, I imagine those hours will begin rather slowly as I muddle through a few interminably long moments of quasi-apology for my unfortunate remarks of last week before turning to far more important issues, such as Charlie Sheen's 'intern' taking a job with the Obama campaign. Is that how the Anointed One intends on winning? We should have been able to see that coming online, although I'm just now getting a signal from the control booth warning me to stay away from references about being able to see anyone or anything coming online... |
Ladies and gentlemen, I realize that this is going to be something you've never heard me say before on the airwaves, something you never imagined you would hear coming from my mouth, but the truth is, I could really use a good cup of coffee... I really could... The sad thing is that I don't believe we have any here in the EIB studio. Maxwell House used to be one of our sponsors but then one day when I made fun of Michael J Fox's for having Parkinson symptoms, and said that he should lay off the Maxwell House French Roast, they told me that was the last drop...
I could use a little pick me up... I'm tired... I've lost a lot of sleep the past few days... I've lost Sleep Number mattresses, which quite frankly, is everything you could ever want memory foam to feel like and more. And I've lost Sleep Train Mattress Center, which is your ticket to a better night's sleep, as well as being the best place on earth to get a Sleep Number mattress. At Sleep Train you won't need to take a loan to get a Sleep Number, which is excellent news since I've also lost Quicken Loans.
Once again, I am a victim of those who hate America and would like to banish conservative voices like mine from the airwaves. As the injured party in this matter, I would get a lawyer except for the tragic fact that on Friday I lost Legal Zoom and since I lost Carbonite at the same time, I don't have a backup plan.
At this moment I have very little choice but to apologize for being the victim of circumstances beyond my control. This is eerily reminiscent of the aforementioned Maxwell House incident or the misunderstanding with Toyota after I had a little fun with the Japanese tsunami. America has become so politically correct that freedom of speech is almost an alien concept... Nabisco even took offense a couple years ago when I suggested they rename their new double stuffed Oreo as the Orbameo. I thought that I was handing them a brilliant idea, but then again I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that they wouldn't want to be associated with this president... I sure do miss those cookies...
So here I am again in the sinner's corner. If not for the fact that my mind is so much quicker than that of an ordinary human I would have caught myself before my wit had a chance to spew forth. It's a little like chess, you have to think ten moves ahead, and when you talk about a hot young co-ed having enormous amounts of sex and wanting us to pay for it, you've got to realize that some listeners are going to think that you're talking about having that sex in a Sleep Train bed on a Sleep Number mattress, and advertisers can be sensitive to that type of reference, even though it was made with no harmful intentions.
So to these advertisers I offer my heartfelt apology. My choice of words was not the best, and in my brilliant attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir, the way only I can. But now that you understand my intentions were innocent, I beseech my sponsors to return with all due hast. I've already forgiven you for questioning my motives and I've really got to make it to the men's room in the next ten or fifteen minutes...
"Hey, Frothy Boy, over here! No, not over there, over here. What are you, deaf?"
"Hi, I'm Rick Santorum. Glad that you could make it today."
"No problem. You didn't mind me callin you Frothy Boy, did ya? It's a little joke me and my bud Jake came up with."
"Well, it's pretty darn clever. No, Mitt Romney might object to a little good natured humor like that, but not me."
"Why the hell would I call Mitt Romney Frothy Boy? That wouldn't make sense. We call Mitt Romney 'Cheetos', cause he looks like the kinda guy who wouldn't eat one."
"Oh, I get it. So you call me Frothy Boy because I look like the kind of guy who would never..."
"Nah, it doesn't always work that way. Anyhow, I just wanted to come down here today and shake your hand. I feel like I owe you a big debt of gratitude."
"Well that's just great. I'm glad my message resonates with you."
"Goddamn if that ain't some real Frothy Boy talk. But you're right. My old lady Sheila and I were talkin yesterday bout what you said bout college, and you nailed it. She said 'that Santorum motherfucker's got it right, why should we work our asses off so our boys can go to some snooty ass college where they can get all bamboozled by liberals? If they do end up makin something out of themselves, they're just goin to end up lookin down their nose at us.' We don't need that shit."
"I'm not sure that's the right way to look at it..."
"Course it is. Thanks to you we're lookin at a week in Vegas. You know, Sheila's parents saved all their money so they could send her to a fancy ass college, and all she did was party and get herself pregnant. Well, I helped, but still, only use she ever got out of it was to get drunk sometimes and shoot her mouth about somethin useless. What the hell you suppose to do with political science anyway?"
"I... I don't know."
"Me neither! Sheila neither!"
"Well, I'm glad you could make it here today, and I hope that I can count on your vote."
"Hell no, Rick, you ain't gonna find me anywhere near a voting booth. I know a couple voters, and believe you me, those people is some real snobs, walking around with their little 'I just voted' stickers like they was something special. I'm not gonna lower myself to their level, no way."
"Okay, then... Enjoy the rally."
"Gotta run, Frothy Boy, just stopped by to say thanks. I'm headin up town to see Cheetos - he's got Kid Rock tonight."
| "...and I want to restore America's promise... What? Applause? Well, as George Costanza would say, ‘When they’re applauding, stop." |
"Whoa, whoa. Wait just a minute, George didn't say that, I said that. And the line was, 'When you hit the high note, say goodnight and walk off'."
"I got that line correct, Rick. People laughed, okay?"
"This is a very easily distracted audience. They're riled up and ready to laugh, and Ron Paul hasn't even opened his mouth yet. So, you gonna do it? You gonna say goodnight and walk off?"
"That's a preposterous question."
"Suit yourself, Mitt. Your moment's passed anyway."
"It has not. The latest polls show that I'm surging."
"They do not, Mitt. Once again, you're lying."
"I am not, Rick. Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
"But you don't believe it. That's just another blatant example of your many lies."
"Really. You've been in this race, what, two years, and that's the very best lie that you could come up with? I lie every second of the day, Rick. My whole life is a sham."
"Oh, gosh. I might have been a little harsh, and I don't want things to get too ugly..."
"That's okay, Rick. And do you know why? Because you are a sanctimonious phony, that's why."
"Oh, snap, you really zinged me, Mitt. Ouch. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room."
"Still trying to get rid of me? Too bad, Rick, because I'm still here and you're still a phony. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
"No, of course not."
"I mean, that's fine if that's who you are."
"I think you're being a little condescending, Mitt..."
"No, no really. I mean, I have many phony friends. It's just that you're not one of them."
"I just hope you won't hold that against me if there should come a time when you need to select a vice president."
"Absolutely not, Rick. I think I'm pretty much like you, except for the fact that I'm successful."
"Oh sure, Rick. We're both just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about."
It's been a grim 2012 so far tfor conservative America, a time when the 'Land of Opportunity to Throw Barack Obama onto the Scrapheap of History™' is increasingly looking less like a slam dunk than a four year project.
Expectations have been tempered. Of course the excitement that a Gingrich smackdown of the Obama dictatorship would create lasting memories, but they might dissipate completely by the end of four years of lectures from the vapid intellect of the great professor. Santorum would certainly put women back in the kitchen where they belong and bring America closer to God, but it would be a rather unpleasant God, one who forced the return of bathtub gin and black market Trojans. And under a President Romney, America might only be twice as great as it was under Obama, a palliative disappointment to an electorate longing for the hallucinatory memory of the Reagan glory.
But a glimmer of hope has returned for at least one extraordinary individual, the beloved former half-term Governor of Alaska whose modest dream has been only to reach the most powerful position in the world while expending the least possible effort.
"If it had to be closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we could be looking at a brokered convention," a delusional Sarah Palin said on FOX News yesterday. "Nobody is quite there yet, so I think that months from now, if that is the case, all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer up themselves up in their name in service to their country. I would do whatever I could to help."
"Yes, I'm sure she would do everything she could to help herself," said Rick Santorum when told of Palin's statements. "You know, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. Being a Christian conservative, I don't really feel free to say what the fuck or shit or goddamn it to hell. I can't even say son of a bitch, but needless to say, I'll think all of these things, even if it's to my own personal detriment... It's just that for once in my life I got a lucky break and caught the last surge of the nomination race, and I know in my heart that the possibility of a brokered convention and another candidate will have people voting for Newt by the time we get to Michigan. Gosh darn it to heck."