all you need to know about tea

and the funny thing is, I'll bet he has been perfecting this line in his head for weeks:
"Are they going to be a bunch of fingers, or are they going to come together to be a fist?"

The Fratto Files

From my lips to your ear Tony Fratto CNBC On-Air Contributor and former Deputy White House Press Secretary "I can not lie – I like big banks. I like small banks, too. I like regional banks. I like community banks. I like savings and loans and thrifts. I like commercial banks and investment banks." - Me, Tony Fratto, writing on the official CNBC Guest Blog Pretty clever, huh? That's from a little piece I did a couple of weeks ago called 'I Like Big Banks (And I Can Not Lie)'. It's kind of a parody of that rap song 'I Like Big Butts' by Sir Mix-A-Lot. I don't know how many CNBC aficionados are hip enough to pick up on the reference, but I do know that the select few will get a real chuckle out of it. The truth of the matter is, I can not lie. If I had been able to lie, it's pretty obvious that I would have been the White House Press Secretary instead of just the Deputy, although (once again I can not lie) being the Deputy White House Press Secretary, or as I liked to call it 'the Tough Guy's Tough Guy, is no small potatoes in and of itself. Not to say that I can't lie if it's in the service of a greater truth, like showing my support for the American banking system, but in the Bush White House, the greater truth was what I would have to call an abstract meme. I could say more, but I haven't even finished the first draft of my book. What did the Deputy White House Press Secretary know, and when did he know it? You're just going to have to wait to find out. To be perfectly honest - and you know I can't help myself - I like any bank that will cash my paycheck. Because they've been few and far between over the past few months. I probably should have lined something up a little earlier, but I was perhaps a little overconfident that when John McCain won, he would promote me to Press Secretary. And he probably would have, too, rather than going with some piece of eye candy like Dana Perino. I'd be lying if I said that Dana wasn't a babe, but I think it's pretty obvious that White House Press Secretary is a job for a real man, not a bleached blonde piece of fluff like Dana. Like an idiot, I stayed at the White House up until the weekend of Obama's inauguration, and then I took a few weeks of to recuperate, because after all, I had been manning the press office by myself since mid-November. (Not that I'm bitter, but in my book, I've got an amusing story about why they wouldn't name me Press Secretary even after everyone else had left.) Once again, overconfidence ended up biting me on the ass. In early April, I did the logical thing and called FOX News to ask 'When do I start?' After repeatedly explaining to Roger Ailes' secretary, obviously a temp, just who I was, the man gets on the phone and tells me "Great to hear from you, Tony, but you should have called me earlier. We really can't hire any more Bush people and maintain our reputation as fair and balanced. We just added Karl Rove and Linda Chavez and John Bolton and Dana Perino..." Those last two words were the final thing I heard. My mind was going into reboot over the unfairness of it all. That blonde bimbo, and I don't mean that in a negative way, had once again taken what was rightfully mine. It's worked out pretty good for me, though. Sure, CNBC isn't as big as FOX New, but it's a hell of a lot bigger than the FOX Business Network. That place is a joke, as we say here at the new workplace. And there's a lot to be said about being a big fish in a small pond. I don't know about you, but I've never heard of anyone over here except for Maria Bartiroma, who's a babe, and the great Jim Cramer, who nodded at me in the elevator last week. Well that's it for now, it's almost 4:15 and I've got to get back for the closing bell. The market is looking up up up. Take it from me, CNBC on-air contributor Tony Fratto, not a man to be trifled with.

positive spin

"...and right down there is where we'll be putting the new Ramada Inn. Twenty-four hundred rooms, each with it's own spectacular view. And up about three hundred yards, the world's largest 'Bed Bath & Beyond'." "It is quite a view, President Jintao. And of course, I do appreciate anything that we can do to help with our trade imbalance." "It's mutually beneficial, President Obama. Bed Bath & Beyond sells mostly Chinese merchandise, and once the Great Mall of China is complete, we expect the Ramada to be full year long with American tourists." "I don't guess the Ramada will have free Wi-Fi, will it?" "Absolutely not." "Just asking... You know, one thing I had hoped we could make a little progress on is, mmm, China's currency rate. Some would call it China's artificially low currency exchange rate." "Such a boring topic. Our rate is pegged to your dollar." "Oh, believe me, I understand. But seeing as our dollar has been falling against most other currencies..." "I know. But we love the American dollar. That's why we have so many of them! You know, a much more interesting topic of discussion might be America's unbelievably low interest rates." "Not real happy with the interest you're receiving on all those American dollars, huh? Well, you know we've been having this recession, so my treasury guys want to keep it low to help stimulate the economy. So, sorry about our low rates of return." "Sorry about our big trade surplus." "Well, I guess we're kind of at a stalemate." "True. We struck out on emission goals." "Not a problem. Congress is never going to let me get anything passed on that anyway. But we did agree to cooperate." "Which is a positive thing. And we did agree that a nuclear North Korea is not in our interest." "Definitely not in our interest. And we agreed to talk more about Iran. Talking is good." "Talking leads to cooperation. When it's in our national interest." "Same with us, President Jintao. Oh, and don't forget, we agreed to formalize discussions on cooperative space efforts." "It seems it has been quite a successful summit, President Obama. Shall we get together again next year?" "Maybe in Washington. We'll talk about it."

John Boehner, picky eater

"...to have the leader of the United States bowing down to the leader of another country is to subject ourselves to the ridicule of our enemies. And to top it all off, he didn't even do the bow right. I was watching Hannity last night..." "Cantor!" "...and Sean was showing how Obama was trying to bow and shake hands at the same time. That's not the way..." "Cantor, step away from the microphone. Now." "Oh, sure boss, I was just..." "Stop flapping your lips and look me in the eye like a man. Do you know what I happened to do yesterday morning?" "I guess so, John, I'm pretty much with you all the time." "It may be true that you follow me around like a goddamn puppy dog but you're not with me all the time, thank God. Yesterday morning I made a little call to the White House." "Oh boy, that's great, boss. What did you do, did you give Obama a piece of you mind?" "No, you idiot, what I'd like to give him is a piece of your ass. And anyway, in case you haven't heard, Obama's in Asia." "Well how would I know that? You're the one who called him, and you didn't tell me anything about it." "I called the White House because I was turning down an invitation to next week's State Dinner with Prime Minister Singh. You know, a State Dinner is an unforgettable experience, and the opportunity to attend one is a rarity. I went to the one Bush held for Queen Elizabeth, and it was one of the highlights of my career." "Well, it's probably a good idea that you turned this one down, because like I was telling you the other day, the things those upper-class Indians eat are pretty disgusting. Fish-eye soup, chilled monkey brains in curry, stuff like that. And I know what a picky eater you are. I tell you, Roy, we had a pizza from Generous George's the other night, and John was picking off the onions, picking off the olives..." "It's Mr Blunt to you, whip-boy, and don't bother trying to pull me in on your side." "You made up all that shit about the food, didn't you Cantor?" "No way, boss, that's the kind of things they like to eat. Come on, haven't you ever seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?" "That's not a documentary, shortstop, and I pray that you're cognizant of at least that much. My old friend Roy here just happened to be at the State Dinner that Bush had for Singh back in 2005, and he was just telling me about it. What was on the menu again, Roy?" "Well let's see, we started out with chilled asparagus soup, and a very good Chappellet Chardonnay Napa Valley 2003, a salad of celery hearts and bibb lettuce..." "I guess that doesn't sound too bad..." "Shut up, Cantor. Then they opened up the Hartford Court Pinot Noir 'Arrendell' 2002, and brought out the most succulent pan-roasted halibut you could ever imagine, accompanied by basmati rice with pistachios and currants, hot..." "Enough, Roy, you're killing me, and I need to be killing this little creep beside me instead. " "Aww, boss, you don't mean that... You know, you shouldn't be cozying up to traitors anyway." "Shut up, Cantor. I have a feeling that the reason you talked me out of attending is that you're just jealous that you never get invited anywhere nice." "Well... Oops, late for an appointment. Gotta run." "I don't know why I listen to that little creep, Roy. And to think, next Tuesday, I'll probably be dining on leftover meatloaf at home with Debbie while watching reruns of 'Two and a Half Men'. If I'm lucky." "That's tough. You know, John, I was talking to Steny Hoyer... He's going to the dinner, and he told me that since it's so close to Thanksgiving, they're going to have John Madden come by the White House with Turduckens." "Turduckens? Oh man, I can't believe it. I've always wanted to try one of those." "Yeah, you've got my sympathy. If there's any left, I'll see if I can bring you a doggy bag."

Gaddafi guilty

Bob Dylan was one of the many celebrities not in attendance. Ridiculous Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, in Rome for the Food and Agriculture Organization summit, has been found guilty of hosting the very worst party in recent Italian history. "Tacky, tacky, tacky," declared Italian news daily La Republica. "Perhaps Mr Gaddafi has never heard the old axiom 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do', because no Italian with the least bit of self-respect would ever dare host a party this boorish. Honest to God, we bet there have been more entertaining parties than this over at the Pope's place." In spite of the press reports, it's quite likely that there was at least one person who enjoyed themselves - Muammar Gaddafi. The Libyan lunatic used a model agency to hire 100 young bella donnas for the occasion. Staying true to his conflicted nature, Gaddafi required the women to be at least 5'7" and well dressed, but he strictly prohibited short skirts and low-cut tops. They were paid €50 each for attending the event which was held at the luxuary Via Veneto hotel. Upon arriving, they were treated to the delightful entertainment stylings of Muammar Gaddafi!, who yelled at the women in a futile attempt to make them convert to Islam. As parting gifts, they were given copies of the Koran and 'How to be Muslim'. "We were at least expecting a snack", said puzzled attendee Silvia Figliozzi. "And the entertainment was just terrible. When that man, whoever he was, first came out, I said 'Oh goodie, it's Bob Dylan'. I mean, I'm not a big Dylan fan, but yeah, for fifty euros I'll listen to your stuff. Who knew? Ah well, no big loss, it's all a matter of perspective. The weird guy was telling this story about Jesus, and how he wasn't really crucified. He said God snatched him away, and they ended up crucifying some other guy who looked just like him, and I say to myself, 'Here I am thinking that I'm unlucky', you know?"

the moon

Yay, Moon! with Dr. Harry Spangler, NASA Hello, this is Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here to tell you about the latest excitement coming out of NASA. From what they tell me, it's been a pretty big week. No, the glorious 'New Horizons' expedition has not yet reached the tiny frozen planetoid Pluto. That great day is still about six years off into the future. And in regards to my secondary assignment, no, NASA has not yet been able to locate a reliable new source for plutonium-238, although I'm told that our recent secret talks with North Korea are quite promising. Perhaps you've recently heard the news about the Moon. This week we've discovered that although there is no beer in Heaven, there is in fact water on the moon. I'm sorry, the NASA PR department believes that I should capitalize the moon, but I'm afraid my heart just isn't in it. Moon is a noun, people, not a proper noun, and I hesitate to further add to the nation's astrological illiteracy. The nomenclature goes back to a simpler time, when man could not yet imagine other enormous orbs circling other undiscovered planets. Planets? We didn't even know about planets. Oh sure, you say, we knew there was a Venus, we knew there was a Mars, but the fact is that we had no idea what they really were. The foolish Greeks called them 'wandering stars'. It wasn't until 700 BC when the Babylonians came up with the Venus Tablet of Ammisaduqa that humanity even began to get a clue that there were such things as planets. Forget about moons. By the time Galileo began to realize that the universe was absolutely full of moons, we were too set in our ways to name the one we already had. You can't just put a The in front of moon and make things right. You know, on some planets, moons are worth talking about. Saturn, for example, has an impressive sixty-one moons. That's exactly sixty more than the planet Earth. And do you know what? Each and every one of those moons has a decent name. Some of them you know by heart - the majestic Titan, for example, which is a good 80% larger than our friendly orbiter. And of course there are our old friends Iapetus, Mimas, Hyperion, Enceladus, and my personal favorite, Calypso, which is shaped just like a potato. I'm no expert on Saturn, no, Pluto is my forte, but the point is that all of these worlds have proper names rather than common nouns. But I digress. In case you happened to miss the news, I am pleased to inform you that this week NASA has discovered water on the moon! That's correct, you heard right, we slammed the Centaur rocket into the Cabeus crater and kicked up a whopping 26 gallons of water vapor. As NASA planetary scientist Peter Schultz remarked, 'Isn't that cool?'. Well no, Peter, I'm afraid it's not. While 26 gallons of water is indeed enough to drown in, and pundits such as the wiseacres at Popular Mechanics consider this seventy-nine million dollar mission to be 'cheap in the spaceflight world', what with water going for only 3.29 million per gallon, one must give at least a passing thought to the form in which this water in fact exists. Lets run some figures. When the Centaur met the Cabeus at 5600 miles per hour, it created a little crater of it's own, 65 feet in diameter and 13 feet in depth. Unimpressive by moon standards, but certainly sufficient for the burial of a few tractor trailers. How much moon matter would that be? You're correct, about 350 metric tons. Now I'm doing this in my head but feel free to double check me with a calculator. 2204 times 16 times 350 gives us 12,342,400 ounces, out of which we get 3,328 ounces of water, or approximately 116 pounds of lunar surface for an 8 ounce serving, which is barely enough to wet a thirsty astronaut's whistle. I am singularly unimpressed, and that's before I even take up the question of reconstitution, which I plan to address in a future discussion, should NASA continue to divert my attention away from my beloved Pluto - which, by way of dramatic contrast, has a subsurface of liquid water that is well over 100 kilometers thick. Right now I'm pretty mad at the moon. I suppose that most people are fond of that unnamed orb simply because they can see it, and I must admit that there is a certain primitive logic to that peculiar romanticization. In the picture above, you cannot see the ninth stone from the sun, but the full moon dominates the evening sky. It is lovely, is it not, at least until you realize that I have simply photoshopped in a picture of a cantaloupe as a symbol of my extreme displeasure at the entire nature of this conversation.

it's all over folks, go home. there's nothing left to see.

just got a free book with a 12 pack of Dr Pepper

Your Saturday Louie

Brave Combo

20 Questions

President Obama and Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama looked on in awe at a brief press availability session today as Fuji TV Washington correspondent Toshiyuki Matsuyama attempted to ask the longest question in the history of brief press availability sessions.

Fuji Television. Matsuyama is my name. I'd like to ask both leaders - first to Prime Minister Hatoyama. You have stated that you would like to see Japan enjoy a more equal relationship with the United States in talks about Afghanistan and also the ending of the refueling operations and global warming and nuclear disarmament.

(Huh, that's a lot of topics for a single question. Sure am glad he's not aiming this one at me.)

Do you think that you're able to talk as equal partners and gain understanding on this point, especially on the Futenma relocation?

(Oh good, a yes or no question.) I believe...

There is the observation that this will be a difficult issue to resolve, but how did you explain about how to resolve the timeline for resolving this issue?

Well, I...

And to President Obama, you are a proponent of a nuclear-free world, and you've stated, first of all, you would like to visit Hiroshima and Nagasaki while in office. Do you have this desire?

(Oh good, a yes or no question.) I believe...

And what is your understanding of the historical meaning of the A-bombing in Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Do you think that it was the right decision?

(Oh no, not the old Hiroshima question.) I understand fully...

(Oh no, not the old Hiroshima question. He's making me lose face on live TV...)

And also considering the North Korean situation, how do you think the U.S.-Japan alliance should be strengthened, and how should both countries cooperate in the field of nuclear disarmament?

(Jesus Christ, that's at least a dozen unrelated topics so far)

And also on the Futenma relocation issue, by when do you think the issue needs to be resolved? And should it be that Japan carry over the discussion -- decision to next year, or decide on something outside of what is being discussed?

(Please make him stop.)

How would you respond?

Would you please repeat the question?

Forbes 2009

Neither, of course. President Obama did top the list, followed by China's Hu Jintao and Russia's Vladimir Putin, but contrary to the Daily News, the Pope is on there, popping in at a respectable number eleven, right behind Bill Gates and two steps ahead of Warren Buffett. I suppose it's understandable that FOX just couldn't bring itself to cede another bit of recognition to Obama, but honestly, as long as they were fabricating headlines, wouldn't you have expected them to go with 'Rupert Murdoch Tops Forbes Most Powerful List'? Murdoch did rank an astonishing #7, right behind Carlos Slim Helu, the man who owns Mexico. That Rupert, he's so modest. Members of the Bush administration have lost all presence on the list (which must make Dick Cheney pig bitin' mad), but both Clintons make a good showing, with Hillary at #17 and Bill at #30. The real excitement, however, is in the terrorism category, where Mexican drug lord Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman appears at #41 with a bullet, now within striking distance of the fading Osama bin Laden, who has been downgraded annually, and now rests tenuously at #37. "This is a proud day for drug lords everywhere," said Guzman in a statement to the press. "It is a particularly gratifying day for Mexican drug lords, all of whom shall find their heads separated from their bodies if they should ever consider infringing on my territory. That goes for you American drug lords, too, because all your base are belong to us." "Well, good for Guzman," said old al-Qaeda has-bin Laden in one of his increasingly irrelevant videotapes sent to Al Jazeera. "I've had my taste of fortune and fame. I would like to stress that unlike 'El Chapo', I actually stand for something, but I fear that to say more would only make me sound bitter. At least I can take some pleasure in knowing that I ranked higher than Benjamin Netanyahu. Or Oprah, whose show I have long since tired of."

The inappropriate Larry King Show continues

Oh my, this is a fun piece of video. Thick as a brick Carrie Prejean having a stilted chat with thicker than a brick Larry King. King, as Prejean repeatedly points out, acts totally inappropriate by asking her questions of actual interest. Now I've seen a lot of primadonnas walk off of talk shows - Tom Tancredo did a nice job on Hardball last week - but the crux of the maneuver is to actually leave the set. Prejean simply removes the microphone and sits there, smiling at the camera. And if by chance the camera was still running, I believe she'd be sitting there still.

fear

Steele, Boehner, Cantor, Bodatella, and McConnell Last Sunday, Michael Steele revealed his strange belief that 'white Republicans' (i.e. the only kind) were scared of him, a remark that led to numerous tickled ribs on all sides of the political spectrum. "I’ve been in the room and they’ve been scared of me," Steele told TV One's Roland Martin, "I'm like, I’m on your side." Martin was forced to go to an unscheduled commercial break when he was unable to control his laughter. Today, Steele attempted to prove how truly frightening he could be, showing up uninvited at the Capitol with his enforcer Luigi Bordatella and a couple of young thugs who rounded up select members of the GOP leadership and forced them outside to attend an impromptu news conference. "See this jacket, bitches?" Steele shouted at the somewhat nervous lawmakers. "This is Phil Mickelson's jacket from the Masters Tournament. Kicked his ass and took it from him. I didn't appreciate the way he took advantage of Tiger Woods' bum knee. Yeah, Phil Mickelson, he was plenty scared of me. How bout you Boehner, you scared of me?" "That's a good question, Michael, and it deserves an honest answer. I was a little intimidated by the current situation at first, but I noticed on the way out here that what I thought was a knife in Luigi's hand was really a ballpoint pen. That's pretty lame, and I want you to know there's going to be hell to pay for this incident." "Did I happen to mention that after I gave Mickelson the beating of his life, I set his golf cart on fire? Yeah, I'm that bad. What about you, Cantor, you scared of me?" "You know what, Steele? I myself noticed that your young thugs are really young thugs... What are you paying them with, Snickers bars? And if John isn't afraid of you, I'm not either." "Maybe I'm not getting through to you... I'm a very frightening black man, and you all are a bunch of white Republicans. You know what, after I set Michelson's cart on fire, I broke all his clubs in two with my bare hands, except for the putter which I shoved up his ass. You're scared of me, aren't you McConnell?" "Are you kidding? I once defied Dick Cheney's expressed wishes on an important vote, so I'm not frightened by your little cry for attention. But I'll tell you one thing, I sure as hell am never going to invite you to play golf with me."

John Allen Muhammad's Last Meal

AFP? What the hell is that? Suddenly I'm hungry for a fish platter. Virginia Governor Tim Kaine has refused clemency for convicted sniper/terrorist John Allen Muhammad, removing the last obstacle to his execution later tonight. Virginia, being for lovers, is a particularly humane state, offering not only a choice of last meals, but also a choice between lethal injection and the electric chair. Muhammad, as usual, was of two minds on the topic, ultimately deciding to go with the warden's recommendation. "That's it, fool," said John Allen Muhammad, "even the Governor has turned your sorry ass down. You might as well make a decision on what you would you would like for your last meal." "I am currently leaning towards the McRib Sandwich," replied John Allen Muhammad. "With a large order of fries, two apple pies, and a super-sized diet Coke." "Perhaps you have lost track of the seasons as well as your senses, John Allen Muhammad. The McRib is available for a limited time only, and will not be available again until April." "Ah hah, my self, as you can see I am always thinking." John Allen Muhammad said cunningly. "In order to honorably fulfill my final request, they will have to delay my execution, and I shall have an extra six months to work on a brilliant new appeal." "It may have escaped your notice that there is no one left to appeal to," scoffed John Allen Muhammad. "And your desire for eating a McRib is likely to be a futile one. My reading of the Virginia state code leads me to believe that they will only honor your last request if it is deemed to be a reasonable one." "By that harsh interpretation, I suppose that my second choice of the all you can eat buffet at the Golden Corral would be seen as unreasonable as well. Am I correct in my assumption, John Allen Muhammad?" "On the contrary, I believe that they would agree to bring you a carry out box from the Golden Corral. But with so many different items on their menu, I fear that you would have trouble deciding what in fact to choose. And as you well know, John Allen Muhammad, not all of the menu items are available on a daily basis." "That is true," sighed John Allen Muhammad. "I believe that I will just go with the warden's recommendation." "Curse you, John Allen Muhammad. I was hungry for pizza."

courtesy call

"Good afternoon, Mr Cheney. They told me you've been waiting on hold." "Eight and a half goddamn minutes. What could you possibly be doing that's so important that you would keep the former president on hold for eight and a half minutes?" "I was, uh, talking to Prime Minister Netanyahu. We've got an important meeting a little later today." "You're talking to him now about a meeting you've got later today? What kind of fool thing is that to do?" "I was checking to see if Hillary could... It's not important. What's on your mind?" "You bet your ass it's not important. If there's one thing I've learned over the years it's that there is absolutely no sense in trying to discuss a goddamn thing with Israel except money or arms. You think you're going to be some kind of peacemaker?" "That's hard to say, but my administration owes it to the world to at least give it a try." "Here's my advice. You need to think of Israel like a psychotic wife that you're forced to stick with for the good of the kids. Capiche?" "Well, as usual that's some interesting advice. Thanks for calling, and I hope to..." "That's not why I'm calling." "Go ahead, then. I've got about five minutes tops." "You broke my record of keeping the goddamn country safe from terrorism. Eight long years I kept it safe." "Look, I think you're including one of my years in there. And besides, we're not yet calling the Fort Hood incident terrorism." "An incident? You're calling Fort Hood a fucking incident? That was a terrorist attack." "Whatever you say, Cheney. We're studying the matter closely." "I warned everybody this would happen. You ignored me, but then, so did America. You need to attack somebody ASAP." "And who is it that you think I need to attack, the US Army? Maybe you think I should attack the Army with the Marines." "In spite of their greater fighting ability, the Marines would be vastly outnumbered. Don't you understand the first thing about military strategy, Nimrod?" "No, I guess not... Who's Nimrod?" "Nimrod was the foolish great grandson of Noah who went on to become the goddamn King of Shinar. Don't hear much about Shinar anymore, do you?" "You've got me there. Listen, it's been interesting talking to you, but I've got to..." "I'm not finished. Why don't you go and ask your good buddy Benjamin Netanyahu who he thinks you should attack." "I think I know exactly where this conversation is going. Thank you for the call, but I..." "No way. I'm faster than you'll ever be. Goodbye."