The Natural

"...and then I tried this one on him - you might be a redneck if you pick your teeth using a catalog... Mitt, he looks at me and says 'I prefer to use a water pic but I might be open to using a wooden toothpick while I'm here if it's in a sanitary package. But I'm sorry, Jeff, I'm not going to use a catalog, it's just not who I am'... Man just didn't get it. Course he's got a beautiful set of choppers."   "Thank you, Jeff."   "So I told him, you might be a redneck if your wallets on a chain but your dog ain't. Right? Right? And ole Mitt, he's shakin his head, and I know that he just don't understand. So I say, outta frustration,  you might be a Romney if your valet has your wallet and your dog is chained to the roof of your car.. and he just howls."   "Like my dog Seamus when he rides up there. I could relate to that one, and to my understanding, relating is the very essence of humor. We found common ground then and there and a beautiful friendship was born."   "Kinda. He watched me drink a beer."   "I sure did. And then I ate a catfish, for just the second time in my life. It was delicious, just like the one I ate in 2008."   "Fact is, he kinda picked at it. And he didn't touch his cornbread. But that's the kinda guy Mitt is, true to himself."   "And true to you rednecks if you're kind enough to give me your votes... Here, let me try one. There's a good chance that you're a redneck if you don't believe in evolution... No? You don't get that? See, it's funny because it's true... I don't believe in evolution either, not really... Not in so many words. But the point is..."   "You're losin 'em, Mitt."   "No, wait, let me try one more. There's a strong possibility that you're a redneck if you believe that President Obama is actually a Muslim. And you're definitely a redneck if you believe that not only is Obama is a Muslim but that he was born in..."   "Stop it, Mitt, stop it right now. Don't make me sorry I endorsed you... I'm sorry, folks, he's not from round here and, well, he's got a great sense of humor in his own way, and..."   "See, it's funny because it's true. Crazy, yes, but crazy in a lovable sort of way..."   "Goddammit, Mitt, put a sock in it! Everybody's leavin!"    "Wait! I love the South and I love rednecks and I'd love to have your vote!"   "Shut the fuck up!"   "Hold on! I've got some of those pigs-in-a-blanket that I hear rednecks love! Hey, I'm pretty sure that you're a redneck if you go out and vote for Mitt Romney! Get it? It's funny because rednecks love to do things that work against their own self interest... Jeff, where you going?... Jeff..."

FEAR (brief reprise)

Fresh from a two long month's exile spent wandering in the campaignless wilderness, Michele Bachmann has returned to the fear-mongering scene just in time to provide blessed relief to those tortured souls who were beginning to be able to catch a glimpse of their own shadows without collapsing into a outburst of gut-churning trepidation.   "If not now, then when," Bachmann cryptically quizzed crypt-keeper Glenn 'Gravedigger' Beck, editor of scream-screed 'SHRIEK!'. "If not me, then who?"   "Whom," whispered Beck, and spake not a word more.   "Exactly," replied Bachmann, suppressing a shudder. "Certainly there is horror present in the walking dead who are our final candidates - Mitt 'The Mortician', Ron Paul-Bearer, Rick 'Whose Last Name Must Not Be Googled' and Newt 'Guy in Human Centipede' Gingrich."   "I think you mean 'Human Centipede II'," cautioned Gravedigger, before withering under Bachmann's fiery gaze.   "The Birth Panels cometh!" Bachmann shrieked, which given the context was surprisingly appropriate. And then she whispered of the existence of the long rumored 'Health Dictator' in a voice so low that only the Gravedigger can be certain of the identity.   "It isn’t far-fetched to think that the president of the United States could say, we need to save health care expenses - the federal government will only pay for one baby to be born in the hospital per family, or two babies to be born per family. That could happen. We think it couldn’t?"   "Just like China? Well, I don't know that we think it couldn't happen, Michele, it's just that..."   "Michele? Do not call me by that name. Address me as 'Solyndra, Scourge of Sacrosanct Solar Solutions' or do not address me at all. As everyone here at FOX News can tell you..."   "Solyndra, about that FOX News thing... You've been wandering the wilderness for quite a few months now, haven't you? I'm, uh... Did you notice that there's only one camera in here?"   "I did, and although I found it odd, I have always known you as a man who pushed the boundaries between reality and truth."   "As I continue to do now. This is my new venture, one in which I am totally free. I call it GBTV. That's Glenn Beck Television."   "They have given you your own network? Surely your power grows by leaps and bounds. Your audience must now be massive."   "Well, it's growing. See, we're subscription based, and mainly people follow us on the web..."   "Aiiiiyeeee! The horror! The horror! I depart you now!"    "She's gotten even weirder, and coming from me, that's saying a lot... My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. I thought she knew... Ah, well, always a pleasure, even if it was a quick one. And believe me, our crack news team will be looking into these reports of the Health Dictator. That could be a huge story. But right now, I want to bring on the great American entertainer Meatloaf who says he's lost two television appearances because of reports in the liberal USA today that he's a secret conservative. Welcome to the show, Mister Loaf..."

my sincere apologies

It's Monday, everybody, and I am the incomparable Maharushie Rush Limbaugh sitting here behind the golden EIB microphone, ready to bring you the fastest three hours in talk radio. Fast for you, anyway... For me, I imagine those hours will begin rather slowly as I muddle through a few interminably long moments of quasi-apology for my unfortunate remarks of last week before turning to far more important issues, such as Charlie Sheen's 'intern' taking a job with the Obama campaign. Is that how the Anointed One intends on winning? We should have been able to see that coming online, although I'm just now getting a signal from the control booth warning me to stay away from references about being able to see anyone or anything coming online...   Ladies and gentlemen, I realize that this is going to be something you've never heard me say before on the airwaves, something you never imagined you would hear coming from my mouth, but the truth is, I could really use a good cup of coffee... I really could... The sad thing is that I don't believe we have any here in the EIB studio. Maxwell House used to be one of our sponsors but then one day when I made fun of Michael J Fox's for having Parkinson symptoms, and said that he should lay off the Maxwell House French Roast, they told me that was the last drop...   I could use a little pick me up... I'm tired... I've lost a lot of sleep the past few days... I've lost Sleep Number mattresses, which quite frankly, is everything you could ever want memory foam to feel like and more. And I've lost Sleep Train Mattress Center, which is your ticket to a better night's sleep, as well as being the best place on earth to get a Sleep Number mattress. At Sleep Train you won't need to take a loan to get a Sleep Number, which is excellent news since I've also lost Quicken Loans.   Once again, I am a victim of those who hate America and would like to banish conservative voices like mine from the airwaves. As the injured party in this matter, I would get a lawyer except for the tragic fact that on Friday I lost Legal Zoom and since I lost Carbonite at the same time, I don't have a backup plan.   At this moment I have very little choice but to apologize for being the victim of circumstances beyond my control. This is eerily  reminiscent of the aforementioned Maxwell House incident or the misunderstanding with Toyota after I had a little fun with the Japanese tsunami. America has become so politically correct that freedom of speech is almost an alien concept... Nabisco even took offense a couple years ago when I suggested they rename their new double stuffed Oreo as the Orbameo. I thought that I was handing them a brilliant idea, but then again I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that they wouldn't want to be associated with this president... I sure do miss those cookies...   So here I am again in the sinner's corner. If not for the fact that my mind is so much quicker than that of an ordinary human I would have caught myself before my wit had a chance to spew forth. It's a little like chess, you have to think ten moves ahead, and when you talk about a hot young co-ed having enormous amounts of sex and wanting us to pay for it, you've got to realize that some listeners are going to think that you're talking about having that sex in a Sleep Train bed on a Sleep Number mattress, and advertisers can be sensitive to that type of reference, even though it was made with no harmful intentions.   So to these advertisers I offer my heartfelt apology. My choice of words was not the best, and in my brilliant attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir, the way only I can. But now that you understand my intentions were innocent, I beseech my sponsors to return with all due hast. I've already forgiven you for questioning my motives and I've really got to make it to the men's room in the next ten or fifteen minutes...

target audience

"Hey, Frothy Boy, over here! No, not over there, over here. What are you, deaf?"   "Hi, I'm Rick Santorum. Glad that you could make it today." "No problem. You didn't mind me callin you Frothy Boy, did ya? It's a little joke me and my bud Jake came up with."   "Well, it's pretty darn clever. No, Mitt Romney might object to a little good natured humor like that, but not me."   "Why the hell would I call Mitt Romney Frothy Boy? That wouldn't make sense. We call Mitt Romney 'Cheetos', cause he looks like the kinda guy who wouldn't eat one."   "Oh, I get it. So you call me Frothy Boy because I look like the kind of guy who would never..."   "Nah, it doesn't always work that way. Anyhow, I just wanted to come down here today and shake your hand. I feel like I owe you a big debt of gratitude."   "Well that's just great. I'm glad my message resonates with you."   "Goddamn if that ain't some real Frothy Boy talk. But you're right. My old lady Sheila and I were talkin yesterday bout what you said bout college, and you nailed it. She said 'that Santorum motherfucker's got it right, why should we work our asses off so our boys can go to some snooty ass college where they can get all bamboozled by liberals? If they do end up makin something out of themselves, they're just goin to end up lookin down their nose at us.' We don't need that shit."   "I'm not sure that's the right way to look at it..."   "Course it is. Thanks to you we're lookin at a week in Vegas. You know, Sheila's parents saved all their money so they could send her to a fancy ass college, and all she did was party and get herself pregnant. Well, I helped, but still, only use she ever got out of it was to get drunk sometimes and shoot her mouth about somethin useless. What the hell you suppose to do with political science anyway?"   "I... I don't know."   "Me neither! Sheila neither!"   "Well, I'm glad you could make it here today, and I hope that I can count on your vote."   "Hell no, Rick, you ain't gonna find me anywhere near a voting booth. I know a couple voters, and believe you me, those people is some real snobs, walking around with their little 'I just voted' stickers like they was something special. I'm not gonna lower myself to their level, no way."   "Okay, then... Enjoy the rally."   "Gotta run, Frothy Boy, just stopped by to say thanks. I'm headin up town to see Cheetos - he's got Kid Rock tonight."

the next condo president of Del Boca Vista

"...and I want to restore America's promise... What? Applause? Well, as George Costanza would say, ‘When they’re applauding, stop."   "Whoa, whoa. Wait just a minute, George didn't say that, I said that. And the line was, 'When you hit the high note, say goodnight and walk off'."   "I got that line correct, Rick. People laughed, okay?"   "This is a very easily distracted audience. They're riled up and ready to laugh, and Ron Paul hasn't even opened his mouth yet. So, you gonna do it? You gonna say goodnight and walk off?"   "That's a preposterous question."   "Suit yourself, Mitt. Your moment's passed anyway."   "It has not. The latest polls show that I'm surging."   "They do not, Mitt. Once again, you're lying."   "I am not, Rick. Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."   "But you don't believe it. That's just another blatant example of your many lies."   "Really. You've been in this race, what, two years, and that's the very best lie that you could come up with? I lie every second of the day, Rick. My whole life is a sham."   "Oh, gosh. I might have been a little harsh, and I don't want things to get too ugly..."   "That's okay, Rick. And do you know why? Because you are a sanctimonious phony, that's why."   "Oh, snap, you really zinged me, Mitt. Ouch. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room."   "Still trying to get rid of me? Too bad, Rick, because I'm still here and you're still a phony. Not that there's anything wrong with that."   "No, of course not."   "I mean, that's fine if that's who you are."   "I think you're being a little condescending, Mitt..."   "No, no really. I mean, I have many phony friends. It's just that you're not one of them."   "I just hope you won't hold that against me if there should come a time when you need to select a vice president."   "Absolutely not, Rick. I think I'm pretty much like you, except for the fact that I'm successful."   "You think?"   "Oh sure, Rick. We're both just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about."

I can help!

It's been a grim 2012 so far tfor conservative America, a time when the 'Land of Opportunity to Throw Barack Obama onto the Scrapheap of History™' is increasingly looking less like a slam dunk than a four year project.   Expectations have been tempered. Of course the excitement that a Gingrich smackdown of the Obama dictatorship would create lasting memories, but they might dissipate completely by the end of four years of lectures from the vapid intellect of the great professor. Santorum would certainly put women back in the kitchen where they belong and bring America closer to God, but it would be a rather unpleasant God, one who forced the return of bathtub gin and black market Trojans. And under a President Romney, America might only be twice as great as it was under Obama, a palliative disappointment to an electorate longing for the hallucinatory memory of the Reagan glory.   But a glimmer of hope has returned for at least one extraordinary individual, the beloved former half-term Governor of Alaska whose modest dream has been only to reach the most powerful position in the world while expending the least possible effort.   "If it had to be closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we could be looking at a brokered convention," a delusional Sarah Palin said on FOX News yesterday. "Nobody is quite there yet, so I think that months from now, if that is the case, all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer up themselves up in their name in service to their country. I would do whatever I could to help."   "Yes, I'm sure she would do everything she could to help herself," said Rick Santorum when told of Palin's statements. "You know, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. Being a Christian conservative, I don't really feel free to say what the fuck or shit or goddamn it to hell. I can't even say son of a bitch, but needless to say, I'll think all of these things, even if it's to my own personal detriment... It's just that for once in my life I got a lucky break and caught the last surge of the nomination race, and I know in my heart that the possibility of a brokered convention and another candidate will have people voting for Newt by the time we get to Michigan. Gosh darn it to heck."

pancakes

Ooh! Ooh! There he is over there! You folks see him? The squirrelly looking fellow with the eyeglasses? Think you can hit him from here, Ann? Good. Okay, he's looking in this direction - let that flapjack fly!

Mitt Romney, you miserable mealy-mouthed Massachusetts moderate Mormon mental midget, did you just assault me with a pancake?

Moi? Heavens no, Rick. I flung no flapjack, and you have my solemn word on that. I didn't even know you were here, although unfortunately I can't offer the assurance of my integrity for that statement.

He speaks the truth, Paleface. My mischievous mate hoisted no hotcake. Although, in all honesty, he might know the identity of the individual that did.

She's speculating, Rick. You know how it is when you're out on the campaign trail, you meet so many people...

That is so bogus, Mitt Romney. Just look at all the pancakes you have. It's an arsenal, much more than your fair share.

I'll grant you that, Rick. I have been blessed when it come to battercakes. But take a look around this room. Almost everybody has one. I happened to notice that you had one too.

I didn't really get to enjoy it, though... I wonder, as long as you're back there...

Say no more. Ann, serve this hungry young man a nice fluffy flapjack with a couple crisp slices on the side. Know what, Rick? I think I'll change out of this folksy outfit and join you.

Uh, no... I think maybe I should just mingle with the voters and see what the Michigan mood is. I need to...

You're too late, you vulgar little man. You should know by now that Mitt's a quick change artist. Now take your plate and leave my sight.

Shake a leg, Santorum, I've got us a prime table in the 'no voters' section.

Is that all you're going to have to eat, son? It takes a hefty breakfast to run a hearty campaign, know what I mean? You don't? Well, let me have that bacon if you're just going to leave it on your plate.

They let you have bacon?

What? Are you talking about the LDS church or are you talking about my campaign manager? Because I listen to them both, and they both tell me 'you go ahead, Mitt, you eat anything you want. You want bacon, you go for it. While you're at it, have a rafter of those little link sausages you like so much'. Watch me now, I'm going to eat this entire Cheese Danish in a single bite... Mmm, that's good eating. Let me ask you something, Rick. Why on earth are you're really running for president in the first place?

You don't really think that I'm going to open myself up to you like that, do you? I've got my reasons. Why don't you tell me why you're really running?

Why not, indeed? It's always personally enlightening to reexamine your own motivations in life. So I guess I'd start out by admitting that I really don't have any beliefs that I find an overwhelmingly need to coerce people to share with me. The truth is that I'm a highly pragmatic man with a good grasp of situational politics. Now that by itself...

...thirty minutes later... Of course, my father is a pivotal figure in my overall psychological makeup. He was a very important man, a business titan who's achievements certainly dwarf my own. I may have made more money than he did, but he changed the entire auto industry. He was the governor of the great state we're in now, and on Nixon's cabinet at a crucial time in history. Of course before he took that position, he challenged Nixon in the 1968 primaries, and that was the campaign that broke his spirit...

...much later... ...and so then in 2010, when I examined the political landscape, I felt that I was ideally positioned to put forth the right sort of solutions for the country at that point in time. So I decided that...

Time to get a move on, Mitt. Everybody's gone on home. And you have another appearance in less than thirty minutes.

Thanks, Ann, I'm on top of it. It's just a fifteen minute drive, but we'd better get going. I'm sure Rick here has important things to do as well.

Oh, right, I sure do. I've got a crucial interview with the Michigan media at... Oh no, doggone it to heck! I can't believe I missed it!

Got to keep your eye on the clock, my friend. See you on the road.

Wait! I haven't had a chance to tell you why I'm really running for president...

That's okay, Rick. I'm sure that you've got your reasons. Ciao.

But... Uh... I wonder if there's any more of those pancakes left...

Another fair and balance 'Two-sided Debate'

Welcome back to the Factor, and now it's time for another of the Factor's exclusive 'Two-sided Debates'. Tonight it's a fair and balanced two-sided look at Clint Eastwood. Has he now become politically compromised in the eyes of the conservative majority, who see his Superbowl commercial for Chrysler as a thinly veiled love letter to Barrack Obama? Or not?   Last night I took a look at this issue and opined that it was much ado about nothing. Mister Eastwood is an American icon and deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt. Millions of Americans, however, do not agree, and my producers tell me that the tweets have been rolling in continuously since my broadcast. Tonight, for our 'Two-sided Debate', we have Karl Rove - who said just last night on the Factor that he was offended by the ad - representing the right. And for the left, we have FOX News liberal Alan Colmes, who probably enjoyed the ad immensely. Gentlemen, welcome back to the Factor.

Good evening, Bill. Third night this week and it's only Tuesday.

Good evening, Bill. I should say that I'm not really Alan Colmes - I'm Neil Cavuto... You know, four in the afternoon... Here on FOX News...

yawn... Tonight you're Alan Colmes, Cavuto. All our liberals are out doing primary coverage. See if you can wing it. It's not that difficult a shtick. Okay, Rove, what do you think the message of this ad is?

I told you what I thought of it last night, O'Reilly. It's disgusting. It shows what happens when what happens when the president of the United States and his political minions are using our tax dollars to buy corporate advertising and the best-wishes of the management which is benefited by getting a bunch of our money that they’ll never pay back.

That's precisely what you told me last night. I thought that perhaps in the intervening twenty-three hours you had an opportunity to come up with something a bit more pithy.

Well, I haven't had a spare moment since primary season started, O'Reilly. And I don't know how I ended up with a contract that requires me to appear every time you snap your fingers.

It's called having the number one rated program in all of cable television, Rove. How about you, Allen? What do you have to say to Clint Eastwood?

Oh. Uh... Good evening, Mister Eastwood, it's a real honor to meet you. I'd like to say that I'm a huge fan of your movies, particularly the more recent liberal ones, and...

Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me. I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.

I apologize, Mister Eastwood, I didn't mean to imply that you had become...

That's a picture, Colmes. You're talking to a picture. We just put a couple lines of dialogue from 'Grand Torino' behind as an amusing little experiment.

Although I've got to admit, that sounds like something Clint would say if he ever came face to face with Alan Colmes.

Bingo. By acknowledging that as Eastwood's probable response to a meeting with Alan Colmes, you have confirmed my supposition from last night that any perceived endorsement of the Obama administration in this ad is distortion on your part to create false outrage as a means to score cheap political points.

Curse you, O'Reilly, you've managed to thwart my best attempts at spin once again!

Of course. After all, this is a no spin zone. And you're watching the Factor, where in a fair and balanced 'Two-sided Debate', the winner is most often the moderator.

man in the middle

Mitt Romney was guilty of a small honesty this morning, but really, it's all right, he had just spent the previous week vanquishing the most abhorred and unelectable politician of the modern era, and after a great victory such as that, few are the number who would deny him a tiny misstep or two.   In an interview with Soledad O'Brien on CNN, Romney expressed his apprehension for and solidarity with the formerly vast American middle class, the one group on Earth that he cares very, very much for.   "I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling," explained the warm hearted non-career politician. "That's what I would call the middle class, the 80-90 percent of Americans who would really love to get a new Lexis but realize they may have to choose between that and sending their children to Harvard."   "I don't think that scenario accurately reflects the reality of the majority of the middle class," O'Brien responded.   "Well, you're the news anchor, so you may have facts at your disposal that I don't," Romney replied. "Am I high or low? High? What do you think, 70-80 percent sound more in line? Let's go with that..."   "Governor Romney, please."   "Oh. Okay, I see. I think right now you're just being argumentative, but then you do look middle-class yourself, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. So, you've got the rich, and that's way less than one percent, really, and then you've got the middle class, which some news sources peg at 50 to 60 percent of the American population. Those are the people that I care about, the ones who would love just to have a small condo on Martha's Vineyard but realize they'll have to settle for Cape Cod instead. I want to help improve the lives of those people."   "And what about the other forty some percent?"   "Oh my goodness, Soledad, I'm not concerned about the very poor," Romney said. "I'm sure there are places where people fall between the cracks, and that's a shame, but realistically, they tend to fall between the cracks because they are on crack. I mean, that's the only way I can explain it. At least for the moment we've got Medicaid, food stamps, and the earned income tax credit. I wish I could get that. The earned income tax credit is one sweet loophole."   "It's not a loophole, Governor."   "Well, call it what you want to, Soledad, ha ha ha. Hey, here's something that's going to blow your mind. You know who else I don't care about? The wealthy. They've got some pretty sweet loopholes of their own."   "Many economists believe that those loopholes and the people who exploit them are a real fiscal problem. "I got 99 problems but the rich ain't one of them," Romney suddenly rapped. And everyone was stunned, for he was surprisingly awesome.

The Newt Phenomenon, with Dr Harry Spangler

After two sub-par debate performances in four days, there is growing speculation that the mysterious body known as Newt Gingrich has sprung a leak and is now rapidly losing mass. If true, it could be seriously damaging to the faux-intellectual wing of the Republican Party right at the very time when they're poised to seize control of the American agenda, I swear it.   "When I look up into the nighttime sky of the politiverse, I swear he doesn't look any different to me than he did, oh, four weeks of so ago," said Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus. "Of course he does look considerably smaller than he did two weeks ago, but I think that can probably be attributed to the regular waxing and waning of the Newt."   "The waxing and waning of the Newt - that is so lame I can't believe it," responded DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. "He's a gaseous body, which of course means that he's not going to wax and wane. He's kind of like a comet which comes around every twelve years or so threatening to hit the Earth but never coming close to doing so. My guess is that once he loses enough gas, he'll simply burn out. But don't take my word, I brought an expert."   "Hello, I'm Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA to give you my opinion on the so-called Gingrich phenomenon. You're probably surprised that I'm not here to talk about my beloved Pluto, or as I like to call it, the greatest dwarf planet of them all. God knows, I could go on all day about that mysterious frozen world, but the truth is, there's probably not a lot new that I could tell you about Pluto that you don't already know. It is still three long years until the New Horizons spacecraft begins it's final approach to the ninth stone from the Sun, and NASA absolutely insists that I somehow justify my salary."   "That's why NASA currently has me doing research on the unstable gaseous body that is Newt. I know, I know, it may sound like somewhat questionable activity to request from a government employee, but believe me it is not. It's just that like any business, NASA is interested in projecting our revenue track for FY2013 and beyond."   "Is Gingrich deflating? My research does show that he has indeed steadily been losing mass, as well as what we call reverse gravity, which simply means the ability to project ideas which stick to the brain of the listener. If he continues to lose it at the current rate, it will be only a matter of days before his words basically begin to drift off into space. And while it would not be unprecedented for a party to offer the nomination to what is essentially an empty shell, there is a tendency to not do so in the face of other more promising possibilities."   "Aside from the gravity problem, there is the troubling situation with Gingrich's illumination. Simply put, when the casual observer gazes upon him, he does not appear as bright as he once did. This needs further explanation, but the fact remains that in the common realm perception is reality." "The more complete answer is that Gingrich is losing visible brightness as a direct result of his loss of gravity. But while that is occurring, something very interesting is happening - he is rapidly increasing the amount of his ultraviolet, x-ray and gamma ray emission, leading to the very real possibility that he may grow into a supernova and explode, destroying every object in his orbit, and if that were to happen the Republican Party as we currently know it would simply cease to exist."   "I would like to thank Ms Wasserman-Schultz for the opportunity to opine on our rapidly changing politiverse, and will only add that should the worse happen, I hope that I once again have the opportunity to return to my research on that wondrous world that is Pluto, the greatest dwarf planet of them all!"