The Newt Phenomenon, with Dr Harry Spangler

After two sub-par debate performances in four days, there is growing speculation that the mysterious body known as Newt Gingrich has sprung a leak and is now rapidly losing mass. If true, it could be seriously damaging to the faux-intellectual wing of the Republican Party right at the very time when they're poised to seize control of the American agenda, I swear it.   "When I look up into the nighttime sky of the politiverse, I swear he doesn't look any different to me than he did, oh, four weeks of so ago," said Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus. "Of course he does look considerably smaller than he did two weeks ago, but I think that can probably be attributed to the regular waxing and waning of the Newt."   "The waxing and waning of the Newt - that is so lame I can't believe it," responded DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. "He's a gaseous body, which of course means that he's not going to wax and wane. He's kind of like a comet which comes around every twelve years or so threatening to hit the Earth but never coming close to doing so. My guess is that once he loses enough gas, he'll simply burn out. But don't take my word, I brought an expert."   "Hello, I'm Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA to give you my opinion on the so-called Gingrich phenomenon. You're probably surprised that I'm not here to talk about my beloved Pluto, or as I like to call it, the greatest dwarf planet of them all. God knows, I could go on all day about that mysterious frozen world, but the truth is, there's probably not a lot new that I could tell you about Pluto that you don't already know. It is still three long years until the New Horizons spacecraft begins it's final approach to the ninth stone from the Sun, and NASA absolutely insists that I somehow justify my salary."   "That's why NASA currently has me doing research on the unstable gaseous body that is Newt. I know, I know, it may sound like somewhat questionable activity to request from a government employee, but believe me it is not. It's just that like any business, NASA is interested in projecting our revenue track for FY2013 and beyond."   "Is Gingrich deflating? My research does show that he has indeed steadily been losing mass, as well as what we call reverse gravity, which simply means the ability to project ideas which stick to the brain of the listener. If he continues to lose it at the current rate, it will be only a matter of days before his words basically begin to drift off into space. And while it would not be unprecedented for a party to offer the nomination to what is essentially an empty shell, there is a tendency to not do so in the face of other more promising possibilities."   "Aside from the gravity problem, there is the troubling situation with Gingrich's illumination. Simply put, when the casual observer gazes upon him, he does not appear as bright as he once did. This needs further explanation, but the fact remains that in the common realm perception is reality." "The more complete answer is that Gingrich is losing visible brightness as a direct result of his loss of gravity. But while that is occurring, something very interesting is happening - he is rapidly increasing the amount of his ultraviolet, x-ray and gamma ray emission, leading to the very real possibility that he may grow into a supernova and explode, destroying every object in his orbit, and if that were to happen the Republican Party as we currently know it would simply cease to exist."   "I would like to thank Ms Wasserman-Schultz for the opportunity to opine on our rapidly changing politiverse, and will only add that should the worse happen, I hope that I once again have the opportunity to return to my research on that wondrous world that is Pluto, the greatest dwarf planet of them all!"

diva!

Newt Gingrich revealed his inner diva this morning, finally reviving a delightful side of himself which has not been much on display during his current resurrection, but one which we all knew was simply waiting backstage for a hearty encore.   'FOX and Friends' welcomed the former Speaker to his first ever appearance on the network, congratulating him on his South Carolina victory before moving to the really controversial topics.   "And now you're off to another debate," Gretchen Carlson began brightly. "Now, the thinking has been that you do so well in debates that you probably like all these debates. But what was your to last night's debate, because the audience was taken out of it, and up until now, the audience has been your fan."   "That's true, Gretchen, quite true," Gingrich replied, a dark look coming over his fleshy face. "I would take it a step further and say they positively adore me. They worship me, because I'm the only candidate in this race that pretends they're equal, intelligent enough to be able to handle the startling truths that I chose to bestow on them."   "Well, I suppose, although some would say that they just have a hankering for the red meat that you supply."   "Who else gives them meat, Gretchen? Romney just throws them croutons... I wish in retrospect I’d protested when Brian Williams took them out of it because I think it’s wrong, and I think he took them out of it because the media is terrified that the audience is going to side with the candidates against the media, which is what they’ve done in every debate."   "Do you think that's totally true?" Steve Doocy added, even though no one had asked for his two cents. "After all, we're the media too, Mister Speaker."   "Are you really, Doocy? I know FOX News is, but what are you? Please don't speak unless you're spoken to."   "But all I said was..."   "Shhh. I said please," Gingrich continued. "I've made an executive decision, because that's what a real president does. We're going to serve notice on future debates. We're just not going to allow that to happen. That's wrong."   "It sure is," Carlson cheerfully agreed. "The media doesn’t control free speech. People ought to be allowed to applaud if they want to."   "Woo, woo!" Doocy exclaimed, applauding loudly.   "Shut up, Doocy, one more word and I'm out of here... Go ahead, Gretchen, I'm sure you probably want to ask me just how I intend to remedy this situation."   "What situation, Mister Speaker?"   "The situation where the mainstream media is able to restrict the hand clapping freedom of the American people... No one got to cheer me either, and that's a bit of a psychological handicap."   "Okay, got it Mister Speaker. Tell me, what do you intend to do about the mainstream medias attempt to shackle the hand clapping freedom of the American people?"   "Good question, Gretchen. I intent to use free market principles to get my way. And I'm serving notice. I will refuse to do any further debates at any media outlets that impede the God given right of the American people to raise a ruckus, thereby denying them the vast ratings and enormous advertising revenues that my participation ensures."   "I thought debates were revenue losers," chuckled Doocy.   "I told you one more word and I was out of here, Doocy, but you wouldn't listen. Sorry to leave so abruptly, Gretchen, but the fight for my personal liberty is a never-ending one and  must not be so inanely interrupted."

A Primary Carol

"Newt! Wait! I want to speak to you."   "Yes, madam, how may I be of assistance to you."   "Don't you recognize me, Newt? I'm Jackie Battley, your very first wife."   "Oh my... Looks like I really did get all of your best years."   "Unfortunately, I didn't seem to get any of yours... You don't seem very surprised to see me."   "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm more agitated than surprised. This should be one of those days when I'm feeling that I'm on top of the world - My poll numbers are rising, Rick Perry just endorsed me, and I've got a big bottle of bubbly chilling for after the debate. But first, apparently, I've got to take a little trip down memory lane."   "Sorry to bother you, then. I assure you that it's completely coincidental. I just happened to be in town, and I saw the cameras so I went to check and see who it was and..."   "Is this going to take a while? Because quite frankly I've got a pretty full plate today."   "I worked my fingers to the bone putting you through college and grad school. I raised our two daughters while you had your nose in a book. And then when you left me, you had the nerve and ego to say that I wasn't young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a president."   "I said that before I had ever met Barbara Bush, so I guess I was out of line on that one.. Anyway, like I said, I'm not really surprised to see you. Something strange happened to me a couple nights ago, Jackie. I was visited by a ghost."   "Not my fault."   "Of course not... It was the spirit of Bob Marley, Jackie."   "That is strange. You never even liked reggae."   "I know, but I'll have to admit, I always kind of liked the dreadlocks. Anyway, he told me that for exploiting the poor, I would be damned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. I don't really think of myself as greedy, do you?"   "You've always been greedy for attention, since you ask me."   "Bah, humbug. That's needy not greedy. Marley told me that I could only escape my fate if I would agree to be be visited by three wives - the wife of Newt past, the wife of Newt present, and the wife of Newt distant past."   "Wow. You're a trinity."   "I'm a big enough man to ignore that, Jackie. Just like I ignored Bob Marley. But then, I heard yesterday that Marianne was going to be on Nightline dishing the dirt on me. And of course I've seen Calista, so there was only one wife left to go."   "And here I am."   "Here you are. Hey, got your nose!"   "Wet go uh muh no wite now!"   "Heh, heh, you always used to love it when I'd do that."   "Not so much anymore. Anyway, I just saw you and wanted to say hello. And to wish you the best of luck with your campaign."   "That's one thing I always like about you, Jackie. Unlike my vengeful shrew of a second wife, you never were one to carry a grudge."   "Well, at least not to the grave."   "So I guess that's it, I guess. One day, three wives, and now I'm no longer condemned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. God bless us everyone! That Marley is really a pretty stand up guy, as far as spirits go."   "I'm sure he is. Just one thing I want to tell you before I go..."   "What's that, Jackie?"   "You're still totally insane."

Bolton endorses!

"One of the GOP candidates is getting a brand-new endorsement right now, and boy, is it ever a big one! Enormous would not be overstating it... Drum roll please... In yet another FOX News Greta exclusive, Former U.N. ambassador John Bolton is here to announce his pick! Ambassador Bolton, I'm not going to steal your thunder. I know who it is. But tell the viewers, who are you endorsing, sir?"   "Oh, you know who it is, do you? Well, I'm glad you decided not to steal my thunder, because it wouldn't have been wise. I'm sure you remember your Norse mythology, and that time when Loki snuck into Aasgaard to steal Thor's thunder. It was not a very pleasant scene."   "Oh. Well, who are you endorsing?"   "I thought you knew that, Greta, but since you already seem to have forgotten, I'm going to support Mitt Romney. I've thought about this very hard."   "How hard have you really thought about it?"   "You're a tough interviewer, Greta. I guess I'll have to admit that I didn't really think about it all that hard because it's pretty much of a no-brainer. I think Governor Romney is the person who can best mislead the party, and best obfuscate our conservative principles, at least out of this group of candidates. Like when I was waiting backstage in the Green Room, I went over to check out the mixed nuts and - you should know this, Greta, they were over fifty percent peanuts. That's really unsatisfactory, almost a breach of etiquette. But I picked through them, even dumped them out on the table, and there amongst their midst was one lonely Brazil nut, so of course I took that."   "I'm sure they weren't fifty percent peanuts, Ambassador Bolton."   "Over fifty percent, Greta, and I was your first guest of the night. Perhaps you should investigate the trustworthiness of your staff."   "All right... Now, Speaker Gingrich and Senator Santorum both describe Romney as a moderate, and they point to many of the unsavory things that happened in the state of Massachusetts. Do you disagree with them  in their critique of his policies as being too moderate in many instances?"   "Well, let me put it this way. Looking at the whole range of prospective candidates, there was only one prospective candidate who met my test as the ideal conservative, but... unfortunately he decided not to run."   "Who's that?"   "So faced with looking at everyone else..."   "Hold it right there, Ambassador, if you're not telling me who the idea conservative is, I get to guess. Is it you?"   "I guess... I guess he's sitting here!"   "Who, me? I'm the idea conservative? No, wait a second, you said 'he', so you must mean you. I guessed right!"   "You did indeed.  So faced with everybody else, I followed the William F. Buckley, Jr. test, which is to find the most conservative candidate who is capable of getting elected, and..." "You know, that was weird. You said 'he'. What sort of person refers to themselves as 'he'? Or even 'she', for example, if it happened to be me?"   "I don't see anything strange about that. You never said it was weird when Herman Cain would come on your show and refer to himself as 'Herman Cain'."   "Well, I never said it because he was a semi-legitimate presidential candidate, whereas you are just another FOX News correspondent that we call in whenever we think that they might be useful."   "Like Sarah Palin and Karl Rove, huh?"   "Precisely, although they both have considerably more lucrative deals than you. Nevertheless, we do appreciate you giving us the exclusive."   "It's in my contract, Greta. I would have preferred to endorse on Hannity, but I just go where they tell me. Anyway, there are obviously two variables here..."   "At least two, Ambassador, and I appreciate you being here with us tonight for 'On the Record with Greta Van Susteren'."   "Just one last word. Endorsing Romney is like the words of the old hymn, 'Give Me That Old-Time Religion', you know, Romney's conservative enough for me."   "Those seem like pretty weird lyrics for a hymn, but what the hey, I'm a Scientologist. Okay, stay tuned, we've got Sarah Palin coming up next to ramble on incoherently about something or another that's marginally relevant."

Does this prove that numerology can reveal the hidden truth?

You bet it does. There is an awful lot to be learned from the study of numbers, and Herman Cain has long been a serious student of their integral relationship with what we call 'real life'. For example, 9-9-9. Right now the American people are pondering what direction the nation should head in next. I remember a number of years ago when I was driving with my wife from Atlanta to Savannah. Now this was back in the days before GPS, so I handed my wife Gloria a map and she was supposed to supply me with proper directions. I'd been driving for about four hours and suddenly I look up and see an exit for Columbia, South Carolina. I pulled off the side of the road and I said 'Holy cow, woman, you've got me going to the exactly wrong place'.   Her solution was to turn around and head back to Atlanta and just start all over again. Well, you can't do that, it makes no sense. I just spent four hours driving and then I'm going to turn around and drive four hours back to Atlanta and then drive another four hours to Savannah? That may be a good example of conventional thinking but it is not an acceptable solution, and Herman Cain is not a conventional driver. So I made an executive decision and got on interstate 26, took it down to interstate 95, and two and a half hours later I arrived at my destination.   Now what does that have to do with numerology? Not a thing. It is an example of innovative verses conventional thinking. It's important that you have the ability to hold more than one thought in your mind at a time. What do you know about Herman Cain? You know that he is a leader who is able to think innovatively. You know that Herman Cain was the leading candidate for the Republican presidential nomination before he suspended his campaign to deal with baseless accusations. Suspended, that is the operative word. Perhaps you know that Herman Cain has a web site that has received literally thousands of hits. You may know that Herman Cain has a bus with his picture on it. And I'm sure you know that Herman Cain has an incredibly innovative plan that's known as 9-9-9.   That is why I will make a very important announcement on January 19th. It will be an endorsement, an unconventional endorsement. Will it be Romney? No. Ron Paul? Not a chance. How about Gingrich? No, it will not be Newt. Are you thinking Santorum? You would be wrong. Don't even ask about Perry or Huntsman. I said that it was going to be an unconventional endorsement, people, and all of the remaining candidates are quite conventional, so you have no idea what I'm thinking. You'll just have to stay tuned until the 19th to find out.   Why the 19th? Maybe you read the tweet up above and did the math on John 3:16, realizing that 3 plus 16 equal 19. I realize that too but it's a simplistic explanation. January 19th, 2012 - 1/19/12. Take a closer look, people. 1+19+12 equals 32.   There are some very interesting things about the number 32, not the least of which is that in mathematics it is known as a 'happy number'. How do I know this? Because I did the math. To find a happy number, you take it's digits, square them, then add them together until they resolve to the number one. Let me demonstrate just how happy 32 is. 3 squared is 9, 2 squared is 4, 9 plus 4 equals 13. Capiche? Okay, 13. 1 squared is 1, 3 squared is 9, 1 plus 9 equals 10. Almost there. 1 squared is 1, 0 squared is 0, 1 plus 0 equals 1, and voila, you've got a happy number in three easy steps.   A few more things you should know. 32 is the 9th happy number, and I've quite fond of the number 9. Now don't let this spook you, but in the Kabbalah, there are 32 paths to wisdom and in the Digha Nikaya there is a list of 32 physical descriptions that announce the appearance of the Buddha. Coincidence? You decide. And finally, in the ASCII code 32 represents a space, an empty space that I intend to fill on January 19 with my unconventional endorsement. Stay tuned.

Debate XXIV: Lie-bag Comix

Riddle me this, Speaker Gingrich. You have agreed with the characterization that Gov. Romney is a liar. Look at him now, do you stand by that claim?

Sure.

Wow. You just called the next president of the United States a liar.

Governor, I wish you would calmly and clearly state that it is your former staff running the PAC, it is your millionaire friends giving to the PAC, and you know that some of the ads are untrue. Just say that straightforward. And wipe that silly grin off that smug face of yours.

I can't help it, Newt. It's just that I'm amused by pompous gasbags. Of course it’s former people of mine, but keep in mind that I own a lot of people. Of course it’s people who support me. They wouldn’t be putting money into a PAC that supports me if they weren’t people who support me, now would they? Surely a man of your enormous intellect can grasp that.

You're doing it again, Romney! Don't try to befuddle the audience with your infernal saturnalian obfuscation, you impenitent reprobate.

Fancy words, Professor Gingrich, but let me just say that as regards their ads, I haven’t seen 'em.

You unrepentant  lie-bag! Gregory! He's doing it again!

It is not the responsibility of the moderator to pass judgment. Governor Romney, you have thirty seconds to respond.

I think the former Speaker is a little over the top, but let me tell you this, the ad I saw said you were forced out of the speakership. That was correct. It said that you sat down with Nancy Pelosi and argued for a climate change bill. That was correct. It said that you called Paul Ryan’s plan to provide Medicare reform a right wing social engineering plan. It said that as part of an ethics investigation, that you had to reimburse some $300,000 dollars, and it said that….

Gregory! Romney is way past thirty seconds!

Noted. And I also noted that he started by saying 'the ad I saw', a fact that I'm surprised you missed.

What? Oh... He sure did, didn't he? I would say that effectively proves my premise that Mitt Romney is an unabashed lie-bag.

There does seem to be a certain inconsistency between his statements. Let's ask the rest of the candidates - Governor Perry, do you believe that Governor Romney is an unabashed lie-bag?

Well, my mama always used to say that if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, there's a real good chance that it is a... uh... you know...

A duck. Congressman Paul?

Mitt Romney is just another establishment Republican afraid of meaningful change. Does that answer your question?

Not really. Governor Huntsman, where do you come down on the issue of Governor Romney's relationship with the truth?

David, the country is in real pain right now, and there are a lot of issues that...

You worked for Barack Obama, Huntsman, so I'd say that your opinion is meaningless.

At NBC, we strive to respect the opinions of all the candidates. Senator Santorum, do you believe that Governor Romney is in fact an unabashed lie-bag?

I never did before today... You know, I can't say that I know what's in the Mormon Bible, but in the holy scriptures the ninth commandment is 'Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor'. So if...

Spare me your sanctimonious sentiments, Santorum. Anything wrong, I'm opposed to, but you know, this ain't beanbag.

And this ain't the summer of love. We're heading into another break right now, and when we return, we'll turn to the topic of job creation.

That's excellent, David, because while I was the governor of Massachusetts, I created more jobs than Barack Obama has created in the entire country.

seeing the light

"...but even though this is effectively a concession speech, I just can't stop saying Obamacare. Obamacare. It's a very bad thing, very bad, but I guess that now I'm not going to be the one that gets to slay that dragon. But I sure hope someone does, because this is our last chance to stop the destruction of our beloved nation by godless Socialism through Obama and his evil care."   "So anyway, as I'm sure I may have mentioned at least once before, Iowa is the state that I was born in. I grew up here until I was in the sixth grade and then my dad had to move us because of his job. But in my heart, I never left Iowa, at least not until last night, that is. Last place in my home state? Now you're dead to me. That was despicable, Iowa, not as despicable as Obamacare, but pretty evil nonetheless. I only beat out Rick Perry in my hometown of Waterloo by five votes? Yes, I'm pretty sure that I would have to rank that on the same level as Obamacare. It didn't have to be like this, Iowa. I ate fried butter for you."   "When God first told me to run for the presidency, I was as surprised as anyone. I knew that I was destined for the House Intelligence Committee but I didn't foresee the White House. Turns out I wasn't being short-sighted after all. I was punked by God. Ordinarily I would say that's even more despicable than Obamacare, but since it was God, I guess it was supposed to be amusing. Or something. Anyway, I asked Him why He would do something amusing like that, and He told me 'Michele, your work in the House is not yet complete'. And then He vanished in a puff of golden smoke."   "What could it mean, my work in the House? Seriously, I haven't spent a lot of time there lately. But then, a light bulb went on over my head. It was because I couldn't get to sleep and thought I might as well read something. But that light bulb reminded me of the 'Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act', the only piece of legislation I've been able to get voted through the House in my tenure there."   "I think my mission must be to use my newfound power and influence in order to coerce the Senate to vote for the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act. Because in their own way, those ugly little squiggly pig-tail things that the government wants to force you to use are every bit as repugnant as Obamacare. This is a fight I started, and I shall be relentless in my efforts to protect America's right to light the night with incandescent bulbs. That, and repealing every last vestige of Obamacare."   "Well, that's about it, Iowa, thanks for the memories. Let it be known that I harbor no ill feelings for my inexplicable defeat. Because if God gives me the signal, you may just see me once again chowing down on a corndog in a few short years."

another one rises

Third-tier conservative talker Mike Gallagher scored a minor coup Monday, landing an interview with third-tier-but-suddenly-hot GOP candidate Rick Santorum one day before the Iowa caucus.   "I'm glad I scored it when I did," quipped Gallagher. "A week from today he may have turned back into a pumpkin. Although, to be fair, all the other candidates turned orange weeks ago."   Santorum has surprised the bejesus out of everyone with his rise to theoretical viability over the past two weeks. Analysts have ascribed his surge to the fact that fundamentalist Christian conservatives have been unable to identify an acceptable candidate that doesn't either frighten, repulse, distress, or bore them. Boredom being the least of these, Santorum appears to be the last guy standing for some voters.   "I’ve seen the media completely try to shape this race," Santorum whined, wasting no time reaching out and addressing the most pressing concerns of Iowa voters. "It's not just the liberal media. It’s even FOX News," he continued, a statement that made Gallagher temporarily lose his composure.   "What do you mean, FOX News?" Gallagher sputtered. "FOX News is fair, balanced and unafraid, and I've got a gig there... Granted it's not a regular gig, but maybe one day that call will come. Support your accusation with evidence, you scoundrel."   "You've ignored me, Mike. This is a general attitude of the elite media in our country, both conservative and liberal, who think they know best and they’re going to decide based on who they think the candidate should be, who you should think the candidate's going to be."   "I... don't know what you just said. Let me asked you a question, Santorum - are you pissed because I've never had you on my show? Because I don't have a friggin show. I'm a friggin occasional FOX News analyst."   "Yeah, another occasional FOX New analyst who thinks they're going to get their own show. I've been there, my friend, and now I'm reduced to running for president just to raise my profile. Let me ask you something - when you've been doing your analysis, have you ever said, 'I think Rick Santorum is going to be the next president?'"   "Jeez, you've really developed an attitude since you picked up a few poll points, Santorum. No, I've never said you're going to be the next president. Nobody has, because nobody believes it... But let me tell you something - I've seen you on 'FOX and Friends' and Cavuto and Hannity and I believe that you once even made an appearance on FOX News Sunday. Sounds like you've gotten a lot better treatment than Buddy Roemer or Gary Johnson. What do you say to that, huh?""Bill O’Reilly has refused to put me on his program! As far as he was concerned, I wasn’t a worthy enough candidate to earn a spot, sit across from him and be on his program"   "Okay, Santorum. Whatever. Have a nice campaign." "Man, that guy really grills my cheese," Gallagher said at the conclusion of the interview. "You know, when Newt bashes the media, it seems like he's a real fighter, but Santorum just whines. That's why nobody wants him on their show." "You've got that right, brother," Oreilly stated when informed of Santorum's statements. "God no, I don't have that wussy weasel on my show... But I suppose that I'll need to respond to his charges just in case FOX hires him back in a couple weeks."

last minute retail politicking

"Governor Romney! We just wanted to give you a little memento from the people of Iowa."   "Oh my. That's beautiful. Like most Americans I love the color red. And it's got my name on it... What is it?"   "Can't you tell? It's a homemade Frisbee. Luanne quilted it herself."   "That's great, a quilted Frisbee. Can you throw it very far?"   "Who cares? We're too drunk to chase it anyhow... I don't guess you can relate to that, can you?"   "Of course I can relate. You don't have to be a drinker to relate to the joy I see on your faces. But you've got to ask yourself, just how much can Barack Obama relate to ordinary people like you and me? He's in Hawaii right now. Does anyone here know where Hawaii is?"   "It's not even in the continental United States. It's out there in the ocean... And it's warm."   "Indeed it is, quite warm. But you and I, we're out in the cold and the rain and the wind because we care about America."   "We're out in the cold and the rain and the wind because we live in Cedar Rapids. We can't just stay in the house until May."   "I understand. You can't stay in the house because you've got to go out and earn a living. But not Barack Obama. Did you know that he just finished his 90th round of golf?"   "Ninety rounds of golf in three years? How is that even possible?"   "You've got me. The logistics are staggering, but he doesn't care. He reminds me a lot of Marie Antoinette."   "Marie Antoinette? Did she play a lot of golf?"   "I truly do not know the answer to that, although it wouldn't surprise me if she did. But some of you might recall from history that when she was told the people of France had no bread, she said 'let them eat cake'."   "I'm just a simple hard-working woman, but that sounds like pretty good advice to me."   "Well, they didn't have any cake either."    "How about pie? I'd like some pie."   "Hush, grandpa, we'll have some pie after the rally."   "Speaking of pie, I want to get this nation back to the idea of growing the pie, rather than Obama's socialist belief that we should just accept the pie the size it is and try to make sure that everyone gets an equal slice."   "I kind of get what you're saying, Governor Romney, but what good does it do to have a bigger pie if we're still not going to get a slice of it, know what I'm saying? Now from what I've read, you've got a pretty big slice for yourself, so how are we supposed to believe that you can relate to ordinary folks like us?"    "Unlike Barack Obama, I can relate to ordinary folks because I have so many of them working for me."   "Can you give us jobs?"   "No, but if you'd care to follow me across the street to Lucy's Home-style Diner, I can get you a piece of pie."

if not now, then when?

just stumbled upon this piece from 2008 that I never posted...

Simian superstar swings no more

North Koreans pay respect to the passing of two great icons   Cheetah, perhaps the most famous primate in history under a hundred feet tall, has quietly passed away from kidney failure. He was 80 at the time of his demise, making him quite an old chimpanzee indeed. The star of the early 'Tarzan' movies outlived both of his human co-stars, Maureen O'Sullivan, who played jungle beauty 'Jane' and Johnny Weissmuller, who played the titular role of Daniel 'Tarzan' Montgomery.   The lovable chimp who's full name was Cheetah-Mike, was one of many monkeys to play the character, but critics universally agreed that he was the personification of the role.   "None of the other chimps ever approached the quality of his work," said New York Times film critic A.O. Scott. "He created the role and played it for all it was worth, always ready to mug for the camera or let loose with that delightful squeal of his. He did his own stunts, which is something that today's monkey's would never dream of. It's a shame that he never broke out of the ghetto of Tarzan movies - I would have given anything to see what he could do in a film like 'On the Waterfront'."   Cheetah spent his final days at Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Florida, where he spent his time fingerpainting, watching football, and for some disturbing reason, listening to Christian music.   Upon hearing of his death, O'Sullivan's daughter Mia Farrow affectionately tweeted that her mother always referred to Cheetah as 'that bastard', the first in what is sure to be a long series of moving tributes.

Robert the Bruce

Well, here we are again, the hard working Republican members of the of the House Payroll Tax and Unemployment Benefits Extension Committee, just sitting around and waiting to negotiate. And as I look around me, I can't help but notice that there don't seem to be any Democrat representatives present. Am I correct about that, young Eric?

I don't know, let me check... No, I don't believe there are. And you know, I don't believe that the Senate has reconvened either, even though we asked them nicely to do so.

And that's a real shame, too, because two days ago we voted 229-193 in favor of approving my resolution on the Senate two month extension of payroll tax cuts and unemployment benefits.

We sure did. I remember it as though it were yesterday.

But it wasn't. It was the day before yesterday. Now the good news is that our Republican members got to vote yay rather than nay, so that's a positive thing, one that hopefully will bamboozle much of the public. Now I'll be glad to take a couple questions.

I hate to tell you this, Mister Speaker, but I'm pretty sure that all of the reporters got bored and left.

In that case, I've got a question You know, voting yay on your resolution meant casting a nay on even bringing up the Senate bill. It's an interesting parliamentary move, bit I'm afraid I'm largely unbamboozled. Am I missing something?

No, Renee, you're not. That being said, you are a very hard woman to bamboozle. It's just that a short extension in  benefits doesn't help anyone except perhaps for those who might directly benefit from it. It certainly doesn't help the job creators. Like I've said repeatedly, a two month extension is simply kicking the can down the road.

So I guess a one year extension is kicking the can through the goalpost. Maybe Representative Ellmers isn't bamboozled, but I am. Just ten days ago you were telling us to vote against any extension.

It's hard to explain things to a bamboozled man, Dave. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've got to admit that I have the right countenance for it. The fact is, there are rapidly changing realities.

Rapidly changing realities? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're really in over your head, aren't you?

Don't listen to Camp, Mister Speaker, the man admits to being bamboozled. Just remember what we told you on Tuesday. This is a Braveheart moment and you are our William Wallace.

Funny you should mention that, young Eric. You know, I had never seen that movie before, so I just had this vague notion of William Wallace as some sort of mythic figure.

No, he's not mythical. Mel Gibson is a real person.

That's quite true, Renee, but the character Mel Gibson plays does not in any way achieve victory.

Okay, it's obviously true that Robert the Bruce comes out on top in the end, but I think you could rightly say that William Wallace achieved a certain moral victory.

Well, yes, but you might have noticed that he gets hung, then cut down while still alive. Then they gut him, behead him, and finish up by drawing and quartering his dead body.

That's kind of a noble death. In a way.

No it's not, Dave. And to make matters worse, it's all in slow motion. Much the way this whole past year has been.

So what about it, Mister Speaker? Are you going to be our William Wallace?

Not willingly, Cantor, but I seem to have been cornered into it. And I know that you're just dreaming of me going down in flames.

Moi? Je me tiens accusé?

And then when I'm defeated, you believe that you will be our William Wallace.

No way, Boehner. I'm pretty content with being our Robert the Bruce.