Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
There was a time we wished she would just go away. What were we thinking?
From her open letter to PETA comes the greatest rhetorical question ever asked:
"Aren’t you the same anti-beef screamers blogging hate from your comfy leather office chairs, wrapped in your fashionable leather belts above your kickin’ new leather pumps you bought because your celebrity idols (who sport fur and crocodile purses) grinned in a tabloid wearing the exact same Louboutins exiting sleek cowhide covered limo seats on their way to some liberal fundraiser shindig at some sushi bar that features poor dead smelly roe (that I used to strip from our Bristol Bay-caught fish, and in a Dillingham cannery I packed those castoff fish eggs for you while laughing with co-workers about the suckers paying absurdly high prices to party with the throw away parts of our wild seafood)?"
Posted by mark hoback at 10:39 AM
Friday, January 2, 2015
Monday, December 15, 2014
Thursday, April 26, 2012
| In further proof of the old religious curse that the incompetencies of the father are visited upon the son, baby-faced North Korean President Kim Jong-un suffered his second major military embarrassment in less than a month, not bad for a lad only a few weeks into his dictatorship. To make matters worse, the mortifying incident occurred following a military parade which was supposed to divert attention from the utter failure of North Korea's mighty space rocket and observation satellite - the little ship that couldn't. |
"It was a grand parade intended to show off the North's mighty new weapon," said Nonom DePlume of the Associated Press. "At first we though they had even reinstituted the legendary DPRK Women Warriors of War for the parade, but it quick became sadly clear that it was simply a case of the regular army no longer being able to afford pants. I guess the point is, even more than a mighty rocket ship, the thing North Korea wants most is a working Inter Continental Ballistic Missile System... Uh, let me rephrase that, what the people want most is a sandwich, but the military has been yearning for ICBMs for a long time. Working ones."
"We thought that perhaps they had some that might work this time," continued DePlume. "Well, we thought it was a possibility, at least. A remote one. Just yesterday they claimed their mighty missile would be able to defeat the United States with a single blow. And the day before I believe it could reduce South Korea to ashes in the blink of an eye. That would be a mighty missile, but nobody was exactly on red alert..."
"The thing is, they never should have put them on display. Never. Those were some phony-ass missiles, I'm telling you. They didn't even fit on the launchers. The casings were all wrong, so thin and fake, and they looked like they were made out of a combination of liquid-fuel and solid-fuel components which means, you know, they would just blow up on launch. If they were real, that is."
"Such arrogance is really indecent coming from a French man," responded North Korea's top general Vice Marshal Ri Yong-ho. "Tell Mister DePlume our missiles are quite real, as he will find out soon when he is annihilated. One more thing. Perhaps our missiles have been intended to blow up on launch so that we don't destroy the planet until we're ready. Think about that, Nonom DePlume. As a matter of fact, get ready to die. I'm launching now. Hahahaha.. Oh. Oh dear. Forgive me great leader, Kim Jong-un. I forgot to ask his coordinates. I suppose I'll be the next to meet an untimely demise."
"Well, DePlume was wrong about one thing," said Colonel Dean Frank of the Joint Special Operations Command a few moments later. "Sorry about the eavesdropping, but national security, you know. Anyway, the satellite photos just came in a few minutes ago, and not only did North Korea's new ICBM not blow up on launch, it actually attained an altitude of 27 feet and flew a full mile and a half. It didn't explode on impact, either, but I guess you could say that if this isn't their most deadly missile yet, at least it's the most hilarious."
Friday, April 13, 2012
Good evening, loyal citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. I hope that many of you are gathered around your community's television set and are listening to me with your full attention, for tonight I bring you both good news and bad news. Now before you grow too apprehensive, allow me to say that the bad news has nothing to do with your sadly meager food rations. Unfortunately neither does the good news.
Now as I'm sure you're aware, since today is the occasion of a rare half-day holiday, we are in the midst of celebrating the centennial of the birth of my paternal grandfather, the revered Kim Il-sung, the man you refer to as Eternal President. Which is something of a misnomer, but seeing as the only other leader any of you have ever known was my dad, I'll let it pass.
The reason you have been summoned to gather around your community television set is to reveal to you the reason why your rice sacks have admittedly been on the skimpy side over the past eighteen months. My father - the man you inexplicably referred to as Beloved Leader - had this burning desire to buy something special to properly commemorate the hundredth birthday of his father - a rocket ship mighty enough to launch an Earth observation satellite... Yeah, I know, it doesn't seem like a high priority for a starving country to me either, but you know my dad, he probably thought he could mount a bomb on it.
Long story short, I summoned you to congregate around your communal television set this evening in the hope that I could share with you glorious video footage of the launch of our mighty rocket ship, and the good news is that I shall do so right now. Roll it, Jon-sun.
Okay, this is the countdown... three, two, one... blast off! Wow, take a look at those flames! That's impressive isn't it? You could cook a weenie in those flames if you were fortunate enough to have one... Slowly thrusting upwards into the cloudless sky and bit by bit gaining speed and altitude.. and now it rises so high that it's just a small silver needle in the sky and... and now it's much easier to see because it just tragically blew the hell up in a spectacular explosion and is falling into the ocean much like a metal pelican...
That's the bad news... It's like we just took your lunch money for the next year and flushed it down the toilet... That's a western device that most of you have probably never seen or even heard of because unfortunately my dad and my granddad had other priorities, such as nuclear missiles and Earth observation satellites... Or as dad would say 'deadry nucrear missurs and Earth observation satturites'. The old man never could master the English language, which put him at somewhat of a disadvantage when it came to saber rattling.
Now I realize that many of you are listening to my words with utter disbelief because you have never before in your brainwashed life so much as considered the concept of a Korean failure. From what my father and his father regularly assured you, we just sailed from great victory to great victory and our nation had never experienced failure in our entire history. You've seen our triumphs on your community television sets, and I guess you believe what you just witnessed to be an inexplicable hoax. That's my granddad's fault, I guess, since he's the one who introduced them to the people as 'magic boxes of truth', but really, as you just saw, the televisions will play pretty much anything we want them to.
The fact is that Korea has had more than our share of failures in the past. Did you know that there are countries in this world where the people aren't starving? It's true, but since you've always been told we're the Land of Plenty, I'm sure that's a difficult concept. I'm just hoping to initiate a little minor course correction here, so don't fret too much about it. And have yourself a very merry Kim Il-sung Day.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
| Thanks so much for that wonderful introduction, Governor Corbett, and of course for your wonderful endorsement. Let me just start out by saying how great it is to be back here in the great state of Pennsylvania. In particular I have a special fondness for Chester County, which is the not only the most beautiful but also the most affluent in the entire state. The thing I like the most is that you have all the advantages of the great city of Philadelphia without having to actually live there. I'm sure Governor Corbett here agrees with me, don't you, Governor? You don't go into Philly, do you? No, I didn't think so, there's a good reason the people of Chester County call it Filthydelphia. They've got this mayor, Mayor Nutter, and I'd just say that he's aptly named. He's already endorsed Barack Obama and... it's okay, folks, you can boo, I'm pretty sure Mayor Nutter isn't in attendance. |
Anyway, here in Chester County, things just seem right. The air is clean and you can walk down the street without fearing for your life. The good people look you straight in the eye and they don't try to rook you into playing Three Card Monte. And you have the same wonderful cheesesteaks that they do in Philly, only here in Chester County you can eat them with a fork and knife and no one thinks a thing about it.
Well, here we are folks. This is where the rubber meets the road, only seven months until the big dance. Any Rick Santorum supporters here today? A few, I see a few hands... Sorry about that, folks, but believe me, I'm really going to appreciate your support, even if it's due to the fact that you've pretty much run out of other options. I suppose you could always throw your vote away on Newt or even Ron Paul, but from what Governor Corbett tells me, the people of Chester County don't roll that way. And you could vote to give the most radical president in history another four years. I know that Mayor Nutter will but then he doesn't live here in Chester County where you can get your cheesesteaks made with brie for no extra charge.
I want to say something that I've been wanting to say for many months now - I'm your only viable remaining option. Really. It's come down to this. But it's okay, I know I've had the support of the good people of Chester County on my side all along. I'm someone that you all can relate to, someone who shares your concerns... The rest of the state is a little tougher, you know, like James Carville once said, Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh on the right, Philadelphia on the left, and Alabama in the middle. Considering the alternative, we should take Pittsburgh, just say to heck with Philly, and work hard to convince Alabama, that in the words of that great song, they can't always get what they want but I'm pretty certain that I'm what they need. Something like that. Okay, now that Santorum is out of the picture, let me take this opportunity to up my pander and tell you a little about the new Obama agenda. And no, I'm not the Etch-a-sketch candidate, I'm more like a computer and now it's time to reboot...