Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Another fair and balance 'Two-sided Debate'

Welcome back to the Factor, and now it's time for another of the Factor's exclusive 'Two-sided Debates'. Tonight it's a fair and balanced two-sided look at Clint Eastwood. Has he now become politically compromised in the eyes of the conservative majority, who see his Superbowl commercial for Chrysler as a thinly veiled love letter to Barrack Obama? Or not?
Last night I took a look at this issue and opined that it was much ado about nothing. Mister Eastwood is an American icon and deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt. Millions of Americans, however, do not agree, and my producers tell me that the tweets have been rolling in continuously since my broadcast. Tonight, for our 'Two-sided Debate', we have Karl Rove - who said just last night on the Factor that he was offended by the ad - representing the right. And for the left, we have FOX News liberal Alan Colmes, who probably enjoyed the ad immensely. Gentlemen, welcome back to the Factor.
Good evening, Bill. Third night this week and it's only Tuesday.
Good evening, Bill. I should say that I'm not really Alan Colmes - I'm Neil Cavuto... You know, four in the afternoon... Here on FOX News...
yawn... Tonight you're Alan Colmes, Cavuto. All our liberals are out doing primary coverage. See if you can wing it. It's not that difficult a shtick. Okay, Rove, what do you think the message of this ad is?
I told you what I thought of it last night, O'Reilly. It's disgusting. It shows what happens when what happens when the president of the United States and his political minions are using our tax dollars to buy corporate advertising and the best-wishes of the management which is benefited by getting a bunch of our money that they’ll never pay back.
That's precisely what you told me last night. I thought that perhaps in the intervening twenty-three hours you had an opportunity to come up with something a bit more pithy.
Well, I haven't had a spare moment since primary season started, O'Reilly. And I don't know how I ended up with a contract that requires me to appear every time you snap your fingers.
It's called having the number one rated program in all of cable television, Rove. How about you, Allen? What do you have to say to Clint Eastwood?
Oh. Uh... Good evening, Mister Eastwood, it's a real honor to meet you. I'd like to say that I'm a huge fan of your movies, particularly the more recent liberal ones, and...
Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me. I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.
I apologize, Mister Eastwood, I didn't mean to imply that you had become...
That's a picture, Colmes. You're talking to a picture. We just put a couple lines of dialogue from 'Grand Torino' behind as an amusing little experiment.
Although I've got to admit, that sounds like something Clint would say if he ever came face to face with Alan Colmes.
Bingo. By acknowledging that as Eastwood's probable response to a meeting with Alan Colmes, you have confirmed my supposition from last night that any perceived endorsement of the Obama administration in this ad is distortion on your part to create false outrage as a means to score cheap political points.
Curse you, O'Reilly, you've managed to thwart my best attempts at spin once again!
Of course. After all, this is a no spin zone. And you're watching the Factor, where in a fair and balanced 'Two-sided Debate', the winner is most often the moderator.


  1. When it comes to 'two-sided' debates, Mark, do you prefer the coupe or the sedan?

  2. How do you do it, Mark?
    I would sooner shove a dinner fork 2" deep into my butt cheek before I'd watch Fawxshit Newts.
    You're awesome.