a few words before I go

You know, you never really know what to expect from death - or as I like to call it, life. Because if I am not alive right now, it makes this communiqué downright creepy. Nevertheless, creepy seems an appropriate description for my current situation, wherein I find myself to be drifting in a golden space filled with dazzling bursts of light. I am relatively certain that someone slipped the taxi of Al Jadeeda into my Nescafe, for such is the way of the Libyan people.   The truth is, it is hard to find good bodyguards in the midst of a revolution. I had men who swore they would die for me, a fact which you might think I would convey with pride. But I don't, because in the end all you're left with is a lot of dead bodyguards and an angry mob that doesn't care whether you live or die. Allow me to restate that. They most certainly did care whether I lived or died, and they opted for the latter. 'Have pity, do not hit me' I pleaded, but they turned a deaf ear to me. I must admit, I was as proud of my people as the father of a newborn.   There is one clarification on the circumstances of my demise which I feel I must offer, lest the legend of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya be sullied by misinformation. I was not hiding in a drainage pipe. True, I was pulled out of a drainage  pipe, but I had stumbled into that quite by accident. I had been heading to my bunker and I must have made a wrong turn or something, I don't know, all I remember is realizing that I was in the wrong place and the next moment some rebel is shouting 'the dictator is hiding in the drainage pipe'. I realized that he was talking about me and tried to explain my mistake, but one thing led to another and then the next thing I knew I was dead.   Still, I've got to say that I came out no worse for the wear. I said that I would stay in Libya and die as a martyr, and once again, I have proven true to my word. I know that I will live on in the hearts of the Libyan people, although at the moment, these lights are making me dizzy, and the love of the people doesn't seem like that much consolation.

Farewell Address

"People of Libya,  those of you who are still able to get a decent signal on your televisions sets and are sitting on your backsides like cabbages while Tripoli is under siege - you ought to be very ashamed of yourselves. I addressed you mere hours ago, beseeching you to fight the rebels till your last drop of blood had watered the desert, and there you are watching the TV. It is clear to me that you are on hallucinatory pills that have been put into your milk and your Nescafe, and are now riding in the taxis of Al Jadeeda. The only other possibility is that you secretly hope for the collapse of the government of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, and that is a possibility that I refuse to accept so I am sticking with my taxis of Al Jadeeda theory."   "At any rate, your trepidation over joining the battle is causing me great distress. Your drug induced inaction has led to a situation where the rebels now stand in the outskirts of Tripoli. They are in the streets of the suburb of Janzour, which is within our broadcast area, and they could be outside of your very door. If this is indeed the case, please call 911-435-7669 and we will dispatch a soldier as soon as one becomes available. Of course, that will be of no assistance if your roof is currently on fire or if the rebels have already slaughtered you like a dog. Again, that number is 911-HELP-NOW."   "As an alternative, you may wish to try and sober up and actually consider helping now, as your nation is under attack and your assistance would be greatly appreciated. To illustrate my point, how many of you are familiar with Khamis Brigade? Yes, the big base due west of Tripoli where we keep a large portion of Libya's weapons. Guess who controls Khamis Brigade now? It is most certainly not me - is this the face of a man who controls Khamis Brigade? No it is not. As further evidence of our need for your immediate assistance, I might point to the refinery in Zawiya which supplies Tripoli with all of it's gas and oil. I think you know exactly where I am going with that, do you not?"   "You too can make a difference. All you need to do is pick up a weapon and commence slaying rebels. Please, for the love of Allah, pick up a weapon now. I leave you now, hopefully not for the last time, with disturbing words from a man who used to have kind things to say about the Guide of the Revolution, American Senator John McCain. Today he faced the nation and said 'we will soon be rid of a guy who has practiced the worst kind of brutalities'. People of Libya, he was talking about me, and his voice contained not a iota of jocularity. He said that it would be a matter of hours. John McCain is a man known throughout the world for his prognosticatory abilities, and his words are not to be taken lightly, so please, pick up a weapon today and fight until the last drop of blood... Good night and good luck."

Checkmate in Tripoli

It was truly must see TV in Libya this weekend as the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya Muammar Gaddafi took a short break from killing his own people to demonstrate that he really is quite insane. The appearance was intended to assure whoever it is that watches Libyan State Television that he was still fully in charge.   "Good evening people of the Libyan Republic," he began by way of introduction. "As you can see I am still fully in charge, fully engaged, and my complexion has a very healthy glow. When you saw me appear upon your television screen, you probably expected to hear me speak of the many great victories in front of us. And they shall come, but tonight I have a very special treat. I invite you now to watch as I focus my attention upon the game of kings. I myself, of course, am not a king, nor am I a president, prime minister, or potentate, but I still enjoy the game."   Challenging Gaddafi was very special guest Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, former president of the Russian Republic of Kalmykia and current president of the World Chess Federation. Perhaps leveling the playing field was the fact that Ilyumzhinov is also insane, having spent millions on the construction of the Chess City complex in a poor and barren section of the Russian outback. Another clue might be his repeated insistence that he was abducted by aliens and taken to a distant star.   "My theory is that chess comes from space," Ilyumzhinov said of his beloved game. "Why? Because it has the same rules, 64 squares, black and white, and the same rules in Japan, in China, in Qatar, in Mongolia, in Africa. The rules are the same. Why? I think it seems maybe it is from space."   "Even to me, that borders on the absurd side," confided Gaddafi. "Dice have the same rules and are black and white and square. Does that mean they came to earth on a flying saucer? Pizza Hut is the same in Japan, China, Mongolia, and Africa, and Qatar, although I understand that in Mongolia their delivery time if far from acceptable. Still, I do not believe they have an interplanetary origin. I shall enjoy taking this imbecile's rubles."   "Gaddafi's really not much of a chess player," said Ilyumzhinov a short time later, speaking from a Tripoli backstreet where he had been roughly deposited. "He's much weaker than me... just an enthusiast who knows where to put the pieces and do a child's play checkmate. Just look at that board, he had a double set of thirty-two white pieces, I had two pawns, a knight and a rook, and I still took him out in less than ten minutes."

the optimist

"Colonel! Colonel! The roof is on fire!"   "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn! God, I love that song, Hassan... Have I ever told you that you are my favorite human alarm clock that I have ever employed?"   "I prefer the tem enslaved. Nothing personal, however. I just mean in the financial sense."   "Nonsense. Where else could you work where you could afford such luxuries as shoes."   "Well, pretty much anywhere, Colonel. We all have shoes now. I suppose it is those little airplane bottles of Johnny Walker that keep me in your employ. That and the guards. But as I said upon entering, the roof is on fire..." "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn!"   "I believe that I shall gather my wife and other possessions in order that I might escape a blazing demise..."   "Do not be such a nervous Nellie, Hassan. My compound is very secure, and underneath the roof I have a special line of defense - another roof. I had it put in after Ronald Reagan treacherously bombed me back in 1986."   "Double roofed? I did not know that... Still, you will be single roofed very soon."   "It is of no consequence. I am quite content to reside in a tent, and as a son of Libya you should be as well. Perhaps I have made life too comfortable for you."   "Yes, I am sure that's the problem, that and my irrational fear of being blown asunder."   "You know what we could use? More human shields. The West is always skittish about murdering civilians."   "That is so harmful to the image of the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya as a peace loving nation."   "It is going to be a long war, Hassan, and we will fight for every square in our land, with whatever weapons we possess. Furthermore, we have a vast number of rebels that we have imprisoned, and in all fairness, you cannot really call them civilians, can you?"   "No, I suppose not..."   "Of course not. We will target any traitor who is co-operating with the Americans or with the Christian Crusade and when we unleash our... Whoa! What was that loud exploding sound?"   "Let me look... Uh, it appears that the Christian Crusade just took out your military command center."   "Excellent. I needed a new one anyway. Do you have any more good news for me?"   "Well, the US chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said that you staying in power was one possible outcome of this hostile incursion, assuming you do not have any fatal accidents."    "A breathtaking display of cowardice and lack of confidence. There is no such thing as an accident, Hassan."   "And, uh, Prime Minister Putin said that the allied actions remind him of a medieval call for a crusade."   "It does, it does! That man is a veritable fount of wisdom. I think I will call him tomorrow to ask when I can expect Russia's support troops to be joining us."

rude awakening

"Colonel, we need you in the State Room. The Frenchies have begun flying through the skies of Libya, and it seems..."   "Hold on, let me take my earbuds out... Guard, instead of interrupting me on a pleasant Saturday afternoon, why not make yourself useful by getting me a cup of coffee. And... one of those little French pastries. With the date filling."   "It's odd that you should mention French pastries, Colonel, because that is why you need to meet immediately in the State Room with your commanders."   "Oh, they have pastries in the State Room?"   "Not as far as I know, your Excellency... I came to inform you that French military planes are flying through our air space like they own the place... Why are you laughing, Colonel?"   "Because I laugh at the French. They excel at making pastries, but at fighting the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya forces of Muammar Gaddafi they are a joke."   "Then they are a joke that has begun targeting our military assets. We need to go to the State Room now. They have already destroyed four of our tanks, including one containing  Commander Sihs Boombah."   "Sihs Boombah? Those accursed Frenchies. Nevertheless, they are still a joke, albeit a bad one. And I, your King of Kings, am still waiting for a cup of coffee."   "Well Colonel, how do you feel about the British? Because Prime Minister Cameron now says their attacks are imminent."   "I sneer at the British. You know that I do not have the warmest of regards for those people, with their disgusting food and horrible weather. As fighters, they are a little bit better than the French, but no match for the Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution. Of course, who is?"   "The United States, perhaps? As you know, they are providing logistics for the attacks, as well as weaponry of their own."   "The United States? Really? But I have had our American diplomat insure them that we are abiding by the cease-fire and that it is the rebels who have broken the cease-fire. I felt sure they would have backed down by now."   "I suppose that they do not believe you, your Excellency. I know, that is hard to believe, but your track record leaves something to be desired. Another vital point - the rebels never said they were going to hold a cease-fire."   "They didn't? That hardly seems fair... Still, I am unworried. I just sent Barack Obama a very nice letter saying that I love him like a son."   "He may be aware of the disdain you hold for the majority of your sons."   "Still, a nice letter like that... I don't think he'll harm me."   "Obama has left the country, leaving Hillary Clinton in charge."   "Mohammadamnit! Well, I suppose there is nothing more to do other than fight on to victory."   "You could come to the State Room and meet with your commanders."   "Get me my coffee, and perhaps I'll think about it."

the pre-victory speech

People of Libya, sons and daughters of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, I beseech you to cast your gaze up to the horizon and tell me, what is that in the sky? Is it a bird? No, it is not a bird. Is it a plane? Indeed it is. Very good, you got it on the second guess.   Perhaps you thought I was going to surprise you with the revelation that it was Superman, but I assure you that I am no Superman, just a superlative man that loves his people very much and rules them with an iron fist. But that iron fist is encased within a velvet glove which now wishes to caress your cheek and tell you that our period of turmoil is near an end, and that our drug addled youth are on the verge of being unable to harm our great nation much longer. See, here comes another of my war planes now to help convince them of the error of their ways.   Besides a bird, do you know what else is not up in the sky? United Nations coalition forces imposing a 'No Fly Zone'. No, I do not see a single one of those and I am scanning the sky quite intently. Perhaps it is because the world now sees the wisdom of our fight against the rebels. After all, I present no threat to the West, although the rebels most assuredly are.   We are a unified people, but the rebels would split Libya into the many tribes from which we are formed: the Warfalla, which is a pretty good tribe as far as tribes go; the Al-Zintan, a wicked tribe which is mighty quick to throw a rock; the Al-Abaydat, which is relatively harmless, but not from lack of trying; the Al-Qaddadfa, which sounds a little too much like al-Qaeda for comfort; the Al-Zuwayya, whom I might remind you just recently threatened to destroy our oil reserves... then of course there are the Al-Rijban, the Drasa, and the Al-Haraba, troublemakers all; the Warfalla... What? I already mentioned them? Sorry, I just like those guys... You know who I did not mention? The Awlad Busayf. I do not believe anyone wants to see the Awlad Busayf have independence. Show of hands, who here likes the Awlad Busayf? Guards, shoot those men.   At any rate, I believe I have made my point, which is that we are composed of many tribes, so unless the world diplomatic community wants to have to deal with twenty-three new countries, they had best leave me alone. Because I tell you honestly, some of those guys would just as soon slit your throat as look at you. My apologies to anyone here today who is descended from one of those tribes, which is all of you, but you know that I speak truthfully.   The good news that I bring you today is that the United Nations appears to get it, and shall leave us alone. Oh, it is true that they say they are currently distracted by a minor crisis in Japan, but I think we all know the truth of the matter. Sometimes it is better to deal with the devil you know than to deal with the twenty-three devils you do not.

Taxi!

Now the situation in Libya all makes sense. After all, as Gaddafi made perfectly clear last night during a call to state TV, 'no sane person' would protest against his rule, which leaves only one possible explanation - young people all hopped up on drugs being manipulated by Osama bin Laden.   "Their ages are 17. They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe," he explained, and that really makes a lot of sense, because you give a seventeen year old a combination of bad coffee and mind-bending drugs and they're pretty damn sure to want to join al-Qaeda and overthrow anything in their path. "You people of Zawiyah, stop your children, take their weapons, bring them away from Bin Laden, the pills will kill them." And if the pills don't kill them, Muammar will. And what kind of pills are these? You know, just in case any of us Westerners wanna get some... "These pills in Tripoli are called taxis of Al Jadeeda because when you take them, you will not wake up unless you reach Al Jadeeda. These young people do not realize that they have been killing because they are under the influence of the drugs." But of course. And it wouldn't surprise me to find that the grizzled old strongman was riding in the taxi of Al Jadeeda himself. "I only have moral authority," he added. "I am like the Queen of England."

Muammar speaks

...and it is pure folly to suggest otherwise, no matter how much you may wish it were otherwise. You are on drugs, are you not? Believe me, from your behavior that is clearly the case, so I will tell you once again. I can not resign, it is impossible. If I were president, I would have resigned, but I have no position to resign from. I guess you feel pretty silly right now for all your... What?... Excuse me?... Yes, I know I am going long. It is a long speech, and as you can clearly see, I still have several more pages... I don't care if it is almost time for the Ma Tkhafoush Show or not. State television is under my control and... It is not?... When did that happen? Okay, but I swear to Allah that I will have your head as soon as I wrap this thing...   People of Libya, the producer is asking that I hurry things along so that they do not have to preempt the Ma Tkhafoush Show. My first reaction was to laugh scornfully, but then I am reminded of the Libyan people's love for Nour Al-Sharif and because of my love for the majority of my countrymen, I shall comply with his wishes.   As I was saying earlier, blood shall flow. I realize that there are those who would say that blood has already flowed, but you need to realize that I have not yet ordered the use of force, not yet ordered one bullet to be fired. But when I do, everything will burn. Everything will burn while blood flows out of it. It will not be a pretty sight.   Now a lot of you are probably asking yourselves 'Will I burn?' 'Will my blood flow?' That is quite possible, these gangs in the streets would be pleased with such an outcome. However, there is a way for you to escape such a fate. Come out of your homes, attack them in their dens. Withdraw your children from the streets.  They are drugging your children, they are making your children drunk and sending them to hell, so you would certainly be justified in the eyes of the Prophet for detaching these troublemakers from their spleens. Damn those who stir up unrest. If you are on the squeamish side, just round up these rats and I will be more than happy to execute them for you.   So to summarize, I had two major points that I wanted to impart today. Number one, and this is aimed at those of you on drugs, I will never leave Libya. It is not possible that I leave this place. I am a fighter, a revolutionary from tents, and I will die as a martyr. And point number two, blood will flow.   Good night and good luck.

Seif speaks

With over 250 protesters killed and thousands injured, Libya today lurched closer to the point of complete collapse. In a show of force, the government began the unusual practice of strafing it's people from military aircrafts. Oil production has been halted by worker strikes, which is a problem for a country with no other source of income except for tourism, and tourism is as dead as the soldiers who have been dismembered for refusing to fire on the people. And Guide of the Revolution Muammar Gadaffi appears to have left the building.   "To be perfectly honest about it, Dad really needed a vacation," said the strongman's son Seif al-Islam Gadaffi. Saif holds absolutely no position of authority in Libya, and yet there he was, addressing the people on state television.   "I thought it would be a good idea," he said later. "I just kind of figured the people would appreciate hearing from a Gadaffi, even if it wasn't the one they were expecting. Apparently I don't have the rhetorical talents of my father, because after I finished speaking, the people went wild in the streets, which really wasn't what I had intended."   "It started off well enough," Seif continued. "I told the people that I was going to give them some straight talk, and you know how the people like that. I mean, I acknowledge that the country was going though a little bit of strife, and I told them we were going to give them some real reform, which is what I thought they wanted. Maybe they were confused by the 'we', since my Dad is a monomaniacal tyrant, after all. In hindsight, I guess I can see why they might think of those as empty words."   "Still, I did the best I could. I even explained that the only reason that the army and police had been shooting them was that they had never received training in dispersal of demonstrations and that kind of put them in a difficult psychological situation. I wish that I had used a studio audience, because that would have given me an indication that things were going south, and I certainly wouldn't have told them that we would fight to our very last man, woman, and bullet. No way I would have gone there."   "Well, what's done is done, as Dad always said," Seif concluded wistfully. "I suppose Libya will be in complete chaos now, and we'll probably have an endless civil war... You know, I guess the one good thing about not having an official government position is that at least you don't have to worry about being deposed."