sports break

"Good evening, and welcome to 'Pardon the Interruption'. I'm Tony Kornheiser..."   "And I'm Michael Wilbon, and we're bringing you all the hottest stories in sports today. Tonight in major league baseball the Yankees are going to try and battle back against the surprisingly resurgent Tigers, while the Phillies are taking on the Cardinals in a game that started just a few minutes ago. As for the Brewers and the Diamondbacks, who cares?"    "Really. I mean, I'm a sports guy, and I can't even remember where the Diamondbacks are from. We're also going to be asking whether or not Tony Romo is the most overrated quarterback in the NFL."   "Oh, that should be a quick discussion. You can't be blowing 24 point leads in the fourth quarter like that. But the biggest story in sports right now involves our own network, ESPN. It seems like our mascot felt a little rowdy this morning..."   "Make that our former mascot, cause he's history, baby. Take a look at Hank Williams Jr on this video from FOX News."      "Wow... Did he really sit there and indicate that he thought Gretchen Carlson is hot, Tony?"   "He did, Michael, and you know, she really wouldn't be all that bad if you didn't have to listen to her annoying yammering. But I've got to ask, where the heck is his self-respect to be on a show with Steve Doocey?"   "That Doocey can do some big time yammering, although with all due respect, I've got to say that at least Williams didn't really seem to acknowledge him."   "That's probably because he appeared to be so wasted that he couldn't even count. Obama and Biden are the three stooges. Come on, big fella."   "Yeah, Tony, even Doocey picked up on that. But the thing that got me was that he really doesn't seem to be all that much of a sports guy."   "My thoughts exactly. Benjamin Netanyahu playing golf with Adolph Hitler? Ridiculous."   "I'll say. Netanyahu would absolutely murder him. You know the guy has a handicap of four."   "He has a heckuva swing. And correct me if I'm wrong, Michael, but wasn't Hitler a notoriously bad golfer?"   "The worst, but everyone was afraid to tell him."   "Say, did you ever hear the old joke about the golfer who spent so much time in the bunker that he started getting mail addressed to Hitler?"   "An oldie but a goodie. So, bottom line, ESPN cans Williams. Good thing or bad thing."   "I say good thing. Just play football."   "I agree, Tony. And I'm sick of that song. Moving on, Detroit sports are on fire right now with the Lions and Tigers. Question - can the Tigers wipe that smirk off the Yankees face?"

Go Hoyas! No, seriously Hoyas, GO!

The Goodwill Games between the Georgetown Hoyas and various Chinese basketball teams went horribly awry last night when rioting broke out on the court between the Hoyas and Beijing's Bayi Rockets. Both punches and chairs were freely thrown, and the spectators got into the spirit of things by lobbing full water bottles.   "That was crazy, and then it started getting scary when I realized the Chinese don't have plastic water bottles," said Center Henry Sims. "I gotta admit, that was the worst I've ever been fouled."   It might have been the worst, but it wasn't the only foul of the night. By halftime, there had been a total of 39 fouls called, with Georgetown being charged with 28 of them. "Maybe it's just me, but I think the Chinese referees might have been a little biased," said guard Jason Clark. "I don't know, I was charged with two different fouls for running into their player's fists. Maybe that's just Beijing rules, but it didn't seem fair to me." Signs of trouble were everywhere. During the first half, Rocket forward Xu Zhonghao approached Hoyas coach John Thompson while he was giving his players instructions and started berating him.   "I couldn't believe that young whippersnapper," Thompson said after the game. "I've been berated by the best of them, but when you're insulted in Chinese, it seems to sound twice as harsh. And his coach was just standing there across the court snickering." "I should have realized the potential for trouble when the center for the Rockets team said that they were going to stomp us," continued Thompson. "I guess I just wrote it off as Chinese trash talk. We had a little trouble earlier in the game, but then I really started getting worried when I saw the Rocket's coach piling up metal chairs out past the perimeter. That's a bad sign in almost any country."   The entire Hoyas organization ended up fleeing the stadium under a barrage of water bottles with the game tied and eight minutes to go. They were scheduled to play one final game in Shanghai, but Thompson was noncommittal. "I don't know," he mused, "I think I may be just about out of goodwill."

makin a difference

"People see me out in public, they always wanna know what I'm doin in retirement," said former president George W Bush as the Texas Rangers headed to the dugout for another exciting inning. "I like to tell them that even though I'm not still the Commander in Chief, that doesn't mean that I've left the playin field. I consider myself part of the line of activist former presidents, just like my daddy, Bill Clinton, and that bastard Jimmy Carter. That's why I'm here tonight to further enhance my legacy by helpin my beloved Texas Rangers break the world's record for havin the most people ever wearin sunglasses at night."   "We broke it, too, broke it by a long shot. The Guinness people were here to verify it. They even offered me one of their beers but I told them 'no thanks, I'll just stick with my diet Coke'. It's temptin, but I don't want to be one of those drunken ex-presidents like Grover Cleveland. Course my buddy Dale here threatened to slug me cause he said that I could have given it to him. Ain't that right, Dale?"   "That's right, Chief."   "Dale likes to call me Chief, and that's all right. I told him if he slugged me my secret service guy would be all over him like flies on shit. And then I made him beg for my forgiveness. Ain't that right, Dale?"   "That's right, Chief."   "That's my secret service guy Stevenson right behind me in the red shirt, the one pointin his taser at Dale's noggin. You don't want to use live ammunition in a ball park unless it's absolutely necessary. Anyhow, I'm mighty proud to have set the Guinness World Record. That gives me three world records - most meaningless American conflict, biggest giveaway to our corporate overlords, and most people wearin sunglasses at night. Three world records. That's a trifecta. I'm thinkin that qualifies me for sainthood, except for the fact that I'm not Catholic. I know the Pope, though. The man can pull some strings."   "So what's it all mean, all these people wearin sunglasses at night, that's what my critics would like to ask. Course I don't listen to my critics anymore. That's one of the perks of being an ex-president. But the meaning is not clear, because history has not been written yet. I'm just glad that I still have the motivation to still make a difference, instead of just restin on my laurels. Ain't that right, Dale?"   "That's right, Chief."

fairway negotiations

"I'm figuring twenty bucks a hole, Mister President, just to keep the game interesting. Sound about right to you?"   "Well, John, that all depends. Will you raise the debt ceiling?"   "I think you know the answer to that. I want two dollars of spending cuts for every dollar we raise it?"   "That's crazy talk, John. We don't have four gazillion dollars in cuts that we can make, so the answer is most likely no."   "Most likely, but not definitely. I think we're making some real progress in our negotiations, so I'm ready to present you with my latest offer. One dollar eighty-five in cuts for every dollar we raise the debt ceiling."   "That does sound a lot more reasonable than the two dollar figure you were throwing around. I'll ponder it. Now on to more important business. How much of a handicap are you going to give me? After all, you are ranked by Golf Digest as the forty-third best golfer in Washington."   "Very true, and the last time I checked, which was this morning, you weren't even ranked. Here comes your handicap now, my partner John Kasich."   "Good God almighty, the man looks like he can barely hobble out here. But twenty dollars a hole it is. Unless you'd like to raise it, because here comes my secret weapon, Joltin' Joe Biden."   "Curses! Not Joltin' Joe, the player ranked by Golf Digest as the twenty-ninth greatest golfer in Washington DC... I fear that you have bested me in these negotiations once again."   "Hey Boehner, I see you're wearing shorts that look just like mine. Aren't you a little tubby for those?"   "Fuck you, Biden... Mister President, you've got to give me something more in this deal. This disastrous turn of events has in effect turned this into a fair game."   "More than fair, John, because I know I can outplay that sickly looking partner of yours. You could say that... Whoa! Did you see the length of the putt that Biden just sank!"   "I know a thing or two about sinking putts, too... Mister President, will you tell your partner to quit staring at my shorts?"   "Stop it, Joe."   "Okay, lining it up... easy... Yahoo! The kid's in there for par!"   "That was only a two foot putt on level ground, Boehner. I'm not exactly shaking in my shorts over here."   "Shut up about the goddamn shorts, Biden... Mister President, we really need to renegotiate the terms of this game."   "I'll tell you what I'm going to do, John. I'll move these little flags for us and... Hey, what's the matter with your partner? It looks like he's having some kind of attack."   "It looks like he's about to shit in his shorts, Boss."   "Heh heh... You're right, Joe, he does! I think maybe you shook him up a little with your last shot."   "Kasich! Get the fuck up! You're embarrassing me! Honestly, I try to take you someplace nice and look at the uncouth way you behave."     "Nice drive, Joe."    "Thanks, Boss."    "Well, like I was going to say before your partner spazzed out, after the game, I'm going to allow you to drive the presidential golf cart back to the clubhouse. And there's something we were pulling your leg about - Biden's not my partner, you are."   "Oh, really? That means we have a real chance to win."   "Oh my lord, with Kasich at Biden's side, you bet we do."   "That's... very sporting, Mister President. And in return for your kind gesture, I'm going to go back to my caucus and see if I can talk them into accepting a buck eighty in spending cuts for every dollar we raise the deficit."   "It's worth a try, John."

Checkmate in Tripoli

It was truly must see TV in Libya this weekend as the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya Muammar Gaddafi took a short break from killing his own people to demonstrate that he really is quite insane. The appearance was intended to assure whoever it is that watches Libyan State Television that he was still fully in charge.   "Good evening people of the Libyan Republic," he began by way of introduction. "As you can see I am still fully in charge, fully engaged, and my complexion has a very healthy glow. When you saw me appear upon your television screen, you probably expected to hear me speak of the many great victories in front of us. And they shall come, but tonight I have a very special treat. I invite you now to watch as I focus my attention upon the game of kings. I myself, of course, am not a king, nor am I a president, prime minister, or potentate, but I still enjoy the game."   Challenging Gaddafi was very special guest Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, former president of the Russian Republic of Kalmykia and current president of the World Chess Federation. Perhaps leveling the playing field was the fact that Ilyumzhinov is also insane, having spent millions on the construction of the Chess City complex in a poor and barren section of the Russian outback. Another clue might be his repeated insistence that he was abducted by aliens and taken to a distant star.   "My theory is that chess comes from space," Ilyumzhinov said of his beloved game. "Why? Because it has the same rules, 64 squares, black and white, and the same rules in Japan, in China, in Qatar, in Mongolia, in Africa. The rules are the same. Why? I think it seems maybe it is from space."   "Even to me, that borders on the absurd side," confided Gaddafi. "Dice have the same rules and are black and white and square. Does that mean they came to earth on a flying saucer? Pizza Hut is the same in Japan, China, Mongolia, and Africa, and Qatar, although I understand that in Mongolia their delivery time if far from acceptable. Still, I do not believe they have an interplanetary origin. I shall enjoy taking this imbecile's rubles."   "Gaddafi's really not much of a chess player," said Ilyumzhinov a short time later, speaking from a Tripoli backstreet where he had been roughly deposited. "He's much weaker than me... just an enthusiast who knows where to put the pieces and do a child's play checkmate. Just look at that board, he had a double set of thirty-two white pieces, I had two pawns, a knight and a rook, and I still took him out in less than ten minutes."

teed off

"...so obviously as you can tell from the young and attractive Mrs. Trump, as well as the previous two no-longer-young Mrs. Trumps, I am a strong believer in marriage. And I mean traditional marriage, one wife at a time. Now take your gay marriages - It’s like in golf. A lot of people - I don’t want this to sound trivial - but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist."   "So you're saying that you don't have a long putter?"   "A long putter? Don't make me laugh. And don't think I don't know exactly what you're trying to do with that question. That's a double entendre if I've ever heard one."   "No, not really. I do write for Pro Golf Talk and that's just something I thought the readers would want to know."   "Okay, then. No, I don't have a long putter."    "Bwah ha ha ha ha... Excuse me. Let's talk about President Obama's hole in one. How do you feel about the fact that the United States has finally managed to kill Osama bin Laden?"   "Obviously I feel very good about it. The man fucked with my city. Made a mess out of it. I've already congratulated President Obama for handling things the way Donald Trump would handle them. As a reward, I'm giving him 48 hours where I won't talk about the many other ways that he doesn't measure up to me."   "Some would say that in actuality you're pulling back because in the light of recent events you are no longer relevant. Republican strategist Mike Murphy..."   "Never heard of the man."   "He's well known in the golf world. Shoots with a +2 handicap. Murphy says you never felt more over with and that maybe now the market for clown candidates will diminish."   "He called me a clown candidate? I'd like to wrap a nine iron around his head. I'll remember that name and make sure he never plays a round on one of my courses again, and I have the very finest golf courses in the country. Let me tell you something - I deserve a couple of days to just relax, play a little golf and assess my situation. Less than a week ago I single-handedly forced Obama to reveal his birth certificate. And don't ask me about that. I get sick of you reporters continually asking me about the president's birth certificate."   "I wasn't going to."   "Good. You're learning. So after I forced Obama to show his birth certificate, I was not prepared for him to retaliate with the full force of the government. On Saturday I was invited to a nice dinner in Washington, and Obama used the bully pulpit of his presidency to attempt to ridicule me in front of the entire room. How pathetic for him. Everybody thought it was pathetic and they were laughing out of sympathy for me. Not that I need anyone's sympathy. And then on Sunday, he chooses to make his announcement about Bin Laden right during the last thirty minutes of  'Celebrity Apprentice'. He could have easily waited until the morning but apparently the idea was to disrupt my show. He can expect a very large lawsuit. Very large. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to finish playing. Any last question?"   "Just a short one, like your putter. Do you have a stiff driver?"

Vengeance is Mine

Former Oakland Raiders linebacker Tucker Carlson is making the best of his guest-hosting slot on the Sean Hannity Show this week. Totally bored and relatively clueless about the night's other stories (the declining housing market, Huckabee's ascension), Carlson lit up when the subject changed to the most scintillating topic of a slow news week - President Obama's shocking forgiveness of Eagles quarterback Michael Vick.   "I'm a Christian. I've made mistakes myself. I believe fervently in second chances," said the pious commentator. "But Michael Vick killed dogs and he did it in a heartless and cruel way. I think personally he should have been executed for that." Then delivering the coup de grace, Carlson added "The idea the president of the United States would be getting behind someone who murdered dogs is beyond the pale."   In followup conversation, which included the observation that dog is God spelled backwards, Carlson provided an undeniably powerful analysis.   "I think we have to ask ourselves if someone who gets behind someone who murdered dogs is every bit as implicit in the crime as the murderer himself. As a Christian, I've got to answer in the affirmative. But just what sort of a lowlife would lend their moral encouragement to a puppy slayer? Obviously a Muslim. Those people are notorious for their hatred of our four-legged friends. They think they're unclean. Well, Mister President, who's got dirt on their hands now?" "I think that we'll have to reevaluate the terms of Carlson's contract in light of last night's comments," said respected FOX Programming head Roger Ailes. "I mean, those were some really bitchin' remarks, and we don't even have this man in a regular time slot... I think... it's going to be a really long year for Neil Cavuto" This is not Carlson's first recent controversial commentary on the topic of pro football. Three months earlier he created a bit of a stir on FOX during a conversation about the the Tea Party's impact on the midterm elections where he observed that "Bret Favre should be brutally gang raped for sending dirty texts. Oh,  also, for not retiring last year."

Lresidential lip injured

In an incident destined to quickly become a metaphor, President Obama's lip was attacked today by the left elbow of his personal aide Reggie Love. The assault was precipitated by a dispute over the ownership of a basketball. Love was immediately wrestled to the floor by Secret Service agents, who took the basketball outside and destroyed it in a controlled deflation. The ball's carcass was sent to Bethesda for further examination, and Love was released after extensive questioning.   Thanks to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the President was able to see a doctor in less than four hours, even though he didn't have an appointment. He received twelve stitches, and according to attending physician Doctor Vinny Boom-Batz, "he was very brave about the whole thing", refusing the offer of having the procedure performed under anesthesia.   "I feel terrible about the whole thing," Love remorsefully said afterward. "But the thing is, the President wants you to bring your A game. So I had the ball and he wanted it, but I didn't want to give it to him. Well, he leaped up in the air and knocked it away from me, so I was mad. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said, like 'I'm gonna get that ball back, sucker'. Next thing I knew he was dribbling up the court. He jumped up to make a shot, I jumped up to block it, and... the rest is history. Or at least metaphor."

mercy

North Korean women's team celebrate the firing of Kim Jong-hun Due to the declining health of Kim Jong-il and the transition of power to his son Kim Jong-un, it's been an anxious period for the North Korean Soccer team that shamed the nation in the 2010 World Cup. It took a few weeks, but justice has finally been dispensed. In a surprise to all concerned, the disgraced players were treated almost mercifully, and the coach remains alive and thus far untortured. "I was very frightened when we were ordered onto the stage at the People's Palace of Culture," said Ri Kwang-Chon. "After all, we had humiliated our Beloved Leader in front of the world, so I was ready to accept my fate. I even made out my will, leaving my small bag of turnips and my extra socks to my brother Kim. The room was packed with government officials, and when I saw the Minister of Sports Pak Myong-choi, I was prepared for the worst. But then who should appear but Pak In-Guk, my favorite sports announcer. I relaxed right away because I knew a man like Pak could never be the instrument of my demise." Instead, In-Guk presided over a six-hour long torrent of verbal humiliation, which concluded with a special roast of hapless Coach Kim Jong-hun. "The insults they hurled were sharp indeed, each one more richly deserved than the previous," claimed Kwang-Chon. "Their criticism was surprisingly devastating considering the fact that I had thought myself to have no more self-esteem to lose. I feel I owe the officials an apology for the way I made them strain their voices. But after only a few hours, they stopped the torment and showed us a curious kindness, asking me and my teammates to castigate our coach. This was an opportunity we seized with relish, for if Kim Jong-hun had been a coach of any merit, we surely would not have been such pathetic worms. I do not have the sharpest of tongues, but I tried to the best of my ability to carve that son of a dog a new asshole." "Things could have been a lot worse," said Jong-hun. "Indeed they should have been, for I am a true slug of a coach. The words of my players hurt, it's true, but it was a cleansing pain that I felt. I probably was not even sufficiently humiliated when they stripped me of my job as coach and the women's soccer team did the Pyongyang Happy Dance. I accepted the shovel for my new job with true gratitude, and asked myself 'Is that all there is?' It is truly a new day. The old Kim Jong-il... he would have kirred me. He would have annihirated me. He would have torn me rimb from rimb. He would... Uh, please, you're not going to report this, are you?"

North Korea drubbed

Kim Jong-il demostrates prototype of the new Taepodong-3 missile North Korea was beaten like a cheating hooker today in their World Cup match against Portugal, who scored an amazing seven points before the clock put an end to their misery. It was quite possibly the most points ever scored against the North Korean team who was making only their second appearance on the international stage. To rub salt into the wound, the belligerent but impoverished nation interrupted their round the clock propaganda on state controlled television to broadcast the game, which allowed those fortunate enough to live in the vicinity of a TV to experience the beating in glorious black and white. "North Korea did not receive a drubbing," said diminutive dictator Kim Jong-il, only moments after ordering the execution of the soccer ambassadors and their coaches. "There was a crear riberar bias against our sadry deceased athretes that borders on the obvious, much rike we border against the mutinous traitors to our south. Traitors, who I might point out, recentry had their sirry battership sunk to the bottom of the sea by the American imperiarists. When wirr they ever rearn?" "At any rate, the truth sharr soon be known by the ironicarry named Peopers Repubric of Korea, as we announced earrier on state terevision. The entire game was prayed backwards. When we show it in the proper format, everyone wirr be aber to see our nober dead athretes, kirred by an unscrupurous and unprovoked American attack, rarry from a seven point deficet to a grorious 0-0 tie. And of course, we win arr ties." "The best part of this wirr be our magnificent victory rap, where we rip the insignificant nation of Portugar asunder," gloated Jong, whose country may have recently shown that they have mastered nuclear fusion, the technology necessary for building a hydrogen bomb. (A report either so frightening or so boring that the media has chosen to completely ignore it.) "When we comprete our victory rap, the Portuguese won't even know what hit them. So I wirr terr them, here and now. It was our brand spanking new Taepodong-3 missire that merted your faces. The H-bomb. Perhaps you've heard of it before?" "Oh, so they've got an H-bomb, do they?" said Portugal's soccer coach Carlos Queiroz. "Well, bad news, that. Still, before we meet our supposed demise, at least we'll have the satisfaction of knowing that our team beat them like a rented mule. Although I do suppose that analogy will just make their people hungrier."

Vuvu nation

In an unusual display of global unity, twenty-nine of the thirty-two qualifying nations for the 2010 World Cup are threatening to suspend any further participation in the games unless something is done immediately about the fucking vuvuzelas. The cheap plastic horns, despised by pretty much every nation on earth other than South Africa, have created such a deafening racket that any communication between players and officials has been rendered impossible, and television viewership of the games has dropped by a disastrous 87 percent. Vuvuzelas occupy a rather unique niche in the musical world by virtue of their ability to play only one note (B flat, if you care), and the fact that it takes no musical skill or dexterity whatsoever in order to master one. Even one vuvuzela can be quite irritating, but when blown in semi-unison by several thousand maniacal soccer fans inside of a stadium the sound is much like a 747 made out of angry bees during take-off. French captain Patrice Evra blamed the insufferable din of the vuvuzelas for his teams inability to kick Uruguay's ass. (Of course, this was the same excuse used by every team thus far who has failed to achieve a glorious victory.) "We can't sleep at night because of the fucking vuvuzelas," said Evra shortly before being fined by officials for saying the f-word. "People start playing them - if you wish to call it playing - from six a.m. We can't hear one another out on the pitch because of them. Prepare to double my fine, Mr Official, because I'm ready to gather my players and get the fuck out of here." Organizing committee executive Danny Jordaan, sensitive of the impact that a tournament which consists solely of South Africa, Cameroon, and North Korea might have on the prestige of the World Cup, is considering the possibility of a ban on the vuvuzelas. He has already urged fans not to blow them during a team's national anthem, a request that Patrice Evan called 'a big fucking deal'. He has also indicated that he might be forced into action if fans begin to use the horrible horns as weapons. "I'm afraid he's running a bit late on that," said Johannesburg police captain Thad Andrews. "Our local emergency rooms have already treated more than four dozen fans who had to have vuvuzelas removed from their ass."