Mighty New North Korean Threat

In further proof of the old religious curse that the incompetencies of the father are visited upon the son, baby-faced North Korean President Kim Jong-un suffered his second major military embarrassment in less than a month, not bad for a lad only a few weeks into his dictatorship. To make matters worse, the mortifying incident occurred following a military parade which was supposed to divert attention from the utter failure of North Korea's mighty space rocket and observation satellite - the little ship that couldn't.   "It was a grand parade intended to show off the North's mighty new weapon," said Nonom DePlume of the Associated Press. "At first we though they had even reinstituted the legendary DPRK Women Warriors of War for the parade, but it quick became sadly clear that it was simply a case of the regular army no longer being able to afford pants. I guess the point is, even more than a mighty rocket ship, the thing North Korea wants most is a working Inter Continental Ballistic Missile System... Uh, let me rephrase that, what the people want most is a sandwich, but the military has been yearning for ICBMs for a long time. Working ones."   "We thought that perhaps they had some that might work this time," continued DePlume. "Well, we thought it was a possibility, at least. A remote one. Just yesterday they claimed their mighty missile would be able to defeat the United States with a single blow. And the day before I believe it could reduce South Korea to ashes in the blink of an eye. That would be a mighty missile, but nobody was exactly on red alert..."   "The thing is, they never should have put them on display. Never. Those were some phony-ass missiles, I'm telling you. They didn't even fit on the launchers. The casings were all wrong, so thin and fake, and they looked like they were made out of a combination of liquid-fuel and solid-fuel components which means, you know, they would just blow up on launch. If they were real, that is."   "Such arrogance is really indecent coming from a French man," responded North Korea's top general Vice Marshal Ri Yong-ho. "Tell Mister DePlume our missiles are quite real, as he will find out soon when he is annihilated. One more thing. Perhaps our missiles have been intended to blow up on launch so that we don't destroy the planet until we're ready. Think about that, Nonom DePlume. As a matter of fact, get ready to die. I'm launching now. Hahahaha..  Oh. Oh dear. Forgive me great leader, Kim Jong-un. I forgot to ask his coordinates. I suppose I'll be the next to meet an untimely demise."   "Well, DePlume was wrong about one thing," said Colonel Dean Frank of the Joint Special Operations Command a few moments later. "Sorry about the eavesdropping, but national security, you know. Anyway, the satellite photos just came in a few minutes ago, and not only did North Korea's new ICBM not blow up on launch, it actually attained an altitude of 27 feet and flew a full mile and a half. It didn't explode on impact, either, but I guess you could say that if this isn't their most deadly missile yet, at least it's the most hilarious."

Kim Jung-un startles the people

Good evening, loyal citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. I hope that many of you are gathered around your community's television set and are listening to me with your full attention, for tonight I bring you both good news and bad news. Now before you grow too apprehensive, allow me to say that the bad news has nothing to do with your sadly meager food rations. Unfortunately neither does the good news.   Now as I'm sure you're aware, since today is the occasion of a rare half-day holiday, we are in the midst of celebrating the centennial of the birth of my paternal grandfather, the revered Kim Il-sung, the man you refer to as Eternal President. Which is something of a misnomer, but seeing as the only other leader any of you have ever known was my dad, I'll let it pass.   The reason you have been summoned to gather around your community television set is to reveal to you the reason why your rice sacks have admittedly been on the skimpy side over the past eighteen months. My father - the man you inexplicably referred to as Beloved Leader - had this burning desire to buy something special to properly commemorate the hundredth birthday of his father - a rocket ship mighty enough to launch an Earth observation satellite... Yeah, I know, it doesn't seem like a high priority for a starving country to me either, but you know my dad, he probably thought he could mount a bomb on it.   Long story short, I summoned you to congregate around your communal television set this evening in the hope that I could share with you glorious video footage of the launch of our mighty rocket ship, and the good news is that I shall do so  right now. Roll it, Jon-sun.   Okay, this is the countdown... three, two, one... blast off! Wow, take a look at those flames! That's impressive isn't it? You could cook a weenie in those flames if you were fortunate enough to have one... Slowly thrusting upwards into the cloudless sky and bit by bit gaining speed and altitude.. and now it rises so high that it's just a small silver needle in the sky and... and now it's much easier to see because it just tragically blew the hell up in a spectacular explosion and is falling into the ocean much like a metal pelican...   That's the bad news... It's like we just took your lunch money for the next year and flushed it down the toilet... That's a western device that most of you have probably never seen or even heard of because unfortunately my dad and my granddad had other priorities, such as nuclear missiles and Earth observation satellites... Or as dad would say 'deadry nucrear missurs and Earth observation satturites'. The old man never could master the English language, which put him at somewhat of a disadvantage when it came to saber rattling.   Now I realize that many of you are listening to my words with utter disbelief because you have never before in your brainwashed life so much as considered the concept of a Korean failure. From what my father and his father regularly assured you, we just sailed from great victory to great victory and our nation had never experienced failure in our entire history. You've seen our triumphs on your community television sets, and I guess you believe what you just witnessed to be an inexplicable hoax. That's my granddad's fault, I guess, since he's the one who introduced them to the people as 'magic boxes of truth', but really, as you just saw, the televisions will play pretty much anything we want them to.   The fact is that Korea has had more than our share of failures in the past. Did you know that there are countries in this world where the people aren't starving? It's true, but since you've always been told we're the Land of Plenty, I'm sure that's a difficult concept. I'm just hoping to initiate a little minor course correction here, so don't fret too much about it. And have yourself a very merry Kim Il-sung Day.

Jong no longer il

The axis of evil lost one of it's most prominent spokes today, as insane dictator Kim Jong-il finally made good on his pledge to one day shuffle off of this mortal coil and make room for another Jong. He is widely believed to have gone to a better place, as most locales are considered far superior to North Korea.   The man known to his face as Beloved Leader was able to maintain one of the world's largest active military by providing them with one of North Korea's rarest commodities, food, or as it is known throughout the country, edible gold.   According to legend, Kim Jong-il was born on February 16, 1942, atop of north Korea's highest peak, Mount Paektu. A magic swallow announced his birth and was promptly executed. Also too, a new star appeared in the sky and there was a rare double rainbow even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky.   Aside from his enormous military, Kim Jong-il will be most remembered as being the only nuclear armed insane dictator that was totally unable to terrify anyone other than his own subjects.    The rare double rainbow reappeared today over Pyongyang in honor of the Beloved Leader's passing. He will not be missed.

Happy Birthday, Kim Jong-il

"Let's all give a big hand to Pyongyang's own marvelous Kyrozi Water Dancers... Weren't they great, folks? Always a pleasure to see them in action. Although I'll let you all in on a bit of a secret tonight, just between comrades: the Water Dancers are in a lot of trouble. You might even say that they're swimming in perilous water, because today isn't my birthday. It's my dad's, and that doesn't look like a 69 to me. Hey Water Dancers, I hope that you enjoy dirt farming!"    "Okay, we've got a big evening of entertainment planned including the inspiring Korean Army Marching Band, the amazing acrobats of Kyfong Province, and the always delightful Jongetts. Right now, I don't know about you folks, but my dad could go for some more water sports. So that's what we're going to next, but with a twist - frozen water. That's right, you're in for a real treat, Pyongyang's own Sukeena Ice Dancers. General Sang, have your men freeze the pool, and oh, by the way, no need to remove the Water Dancers."

genius on the world stage

Tensions were dramatically lowered on the Korean peninsula early today when South Korea's President Lee received an unexpected missive from insane dictator Kim Jong-il. "Happy holidays from the fun and freedom loving citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea," it read. "You've been punked."   Suddenly and without a word of warning, North Korea had backed down from it's pledge to inflict "brutal consequences beyond imagination" upon South Korea. They just didn't "feel any need" to respond to the South's silly military actions since they recognized them for what they truly were - "nothing but a childish play" for attention. Not only that, but the south was just "firing shells left unused during the military provocation on Nov. 23 - you know, the one where we blew up their island."   "Well, those guys really dodged a bullet this time," said President Lee. "If North Korea had subjected us to brutal consequences beyond imagination, we would have retaliated big time. There's no telling what we might have done. I know we've talked about responding to their attacks in the past, but we've had about enough and this time we really meant it. Maybe the ferocity with which our military was firing our missiles into the Yellow Sea frightened them, I don't know. It sure as hell scared some of the bluefin tuna."   North Korea wasted no time in trumpeting the remarkable diplomacy they showed by refraining from inflicting brutal consequences beyond imagination upon the South, calling upon the world to recognize "who is the real supporter of peace and who is the real provocateur of a war."   "It's true that I'm a South Korean," said United Nations  Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, "but today I must speak out in my role as a representative for the entire world and say Stick it up your ass, Jong. You bet we recognize who the real provocateur is."   Aside from their own love of diplomacy, North Korea had another more practical reason to avoid conflict at the moment, it's realization of America's insidious plot to use "South Korea's military provocation" to force the North into a war that would save the U.S. from bankruptcy.   "Damn, I can't believe they figured it out," said a disappointed President Obama. "Those guys really are the sharpest tools in the shed. I was going to call it Stimulus II, because if the last ten years have proven anything, it's what a beneficial effect a couple of good wars can have on the economy. Oh well, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Jong's last splash

What the hell is that insane dictator up to now? That's the question upon everyone's lips today. Nobody even has to ask 'to what insane dictator do you refer', because even though there may be other dictators who are technically more mentally unbalanced - we're looking at you, Robert Mugabe - there are none who wear the, uh, field jacket of insane dictatorship more distinctly or proudly than Beloved Leader Kim Jong-il.   Why would Jong launch such an audacious attack on South Korea, which only now was starting to forgive him for sinking one of their warships and killing 46 sailors back in the long-ago month of March 2010? Why would he shell Yeonpyeong Island, home of the rare and delicious Kumouuri spiced crab as well as twelve hundred South Koreans, setting it ablaze, killing two, injuring nineteen, and sending scores of others running like hell to the ferry in order to get back to the mainland? Why? I mean, other than the fact that he's an insane dictator who loves the taste of Kumouuri crabs and feels that the island is rightfully his?   The Wall Street Journal explains it by saying Jong is a master of brinksmanship, which is simply a kinder way of saying that he's an insane dictator, and we already established that fact in our first rhetorical question.   The Financial Times tells us that Jong is playing poker, and this was his second ace; the first, of course, was the insane decision to show off North Korea's new uranium enrichment facility. Why play these two cards they ask, before proceeding to treat us to all manner of entertaining poker analogies, concluding with the wish that the West has more in it's hand than a broken flush.   The New York Times explains that Jong blames South Korea for the attacks. Of course he does - he's an insane dictator, and that's just the way they are. And while it's true that the South was staging military actions in the vicinity of Jong's country, Pyongyang was informed, and there is the inconvenient fact that South Korea is very much in the vicinity of North Korea.   What everyone in the press is quick to point out is the fact that Jong is a miserable, disease-ridden sack of shit who's just about ready to pack it in after two decades of keeping his people on a starvation diet while pursuing his dreams of military glory, all of which he is expected to pass along to his Westernized son, the adorable Kim 'Babyface' Jong-un. Perhaps, in his own insane way, Jong is trying to set the stage for Lil' Kim. This was certainly suggested in an interview with Steve Doocy that was taped last Thursday, but bumped to make room for FOX's continuing coverage of TSA junk touching. "I am sick and I am not aging gracefury," Jong explained to Doocy . "Nor do I intend to do so. If I can pass any personar rife ressons to my son about how the worrd rearry works, then maybe he won't disgrace me as badry as I fear."   "But rearry, there's my regacy to think of. I want peoper to remember me the way I was, a man who would just as soon annihirate them as give them the time of day. There's a poem, Steve, maybe you know it - Do not go genter into that good night, ode age should burn and rave at crose of day; rage, rage against the dying of the right... One rast internationar incident, that's arr I ask, one rast sprash."

The Jong Report

"Guess who just shot 82 today, Hillary..." "Who shot 82? What? God, I hope you're not talking about the Taliban..." "No, eighty-two on the golf course. That would be me. El Presidente. Or you can call me Tiger." "Tiger Woods would probably commit suicide if he ever shot an 82. You weren't seriously playing golf today, were you?" "Why not? We haven't had a major new crisis since Monday." "No, I mean that it's over a hundred degrees outside, and with the humidity..." "They've got this special enclosed presidential golf cart, with air-conditioning and a mini-bar..." "Oh yeah, Bill used to love that. But when it got this hot, he'd just go along for the ride and drink beer. He'd use a proxy to get out of the cart, and then criticize the poor guy if he made a bad shot." "Heh heh heh... Well, my proxy is Bob Gates. That's how I managed to shoot an 82. Anyway, down to business." "You've got that look in your eye..." "Come on, Hillary, you know what I like." "The Jong Report? Your favorite briefing. I'm afraid I've got some distressing news in this one, Mister President. You may not care for it." "Distressing news? Well, go ahead and give it to me." "As you know, Pyongyang is making threatening noises again as we commence our military drills with South Korea. So the North is saying... let me read this so I get it right. It's kind of strangely nuanced... Okay. 'The army and people will legitimately counter with their powerful nuclear deterrence the largest-ever nuclear war exercises'." "Yeah, counter with deterrence, I've been thinking about that ever since I first heard it. It's meaningless." "It means something, I'm just not sure what. The thing that puzzled me was their promise of 'retaliatory sacred war'. North Korea talking about sacred war?" "Really. That phrase doesn't even make sense in the context of their culture." "They also said 'The more desperately the US imperialists brandish their nukes and the more zealously their lackeys follow them, the more rapidly the nuclear deterrence will be bolstered up along the orbit of self-defense'." "The usual bullshit. What's the upshot?" "They'll probably shoot a few missiles into the sea, something to try and get our attention. The most interesting thing is that we don't believe this message came from Kim Jong-il." "Really? Why is that?" "Because if it was from Jong, it would have been 'The more desperatry the US imperiarists brandish their nukes and the more zearousry their rackeys forrow them, the more rapidry the nucrear deterrence wirr be borstered up arong the orbit of serf-defense'. Just sayin." "Bwah haha ha ha..." "Jong would have said 'We are becoming increasingry tired of the of the berrigerence of the West and their imperiarists miratary. We would just as soon annihirate you as rook at you. As for the irregitimate government of the South and their craims that we started these tensions by browing up their ritter boat, we have stated crearry in the past that they are rying asshores'." "Hoo hoo hoo, oh I rove it, that rying asshore line gets me every time." "Just don't rove it too much, boss. Remember I said I had some distressing news? Here, take a look at this photo." "What the hell is that? The Oscar for ugliest dictator?" "Not bad... This surfaced a few days ago in Pyongyang. It's a statue of Jong." "Okay... and you're saying the the country is now so poor that they now have to use pewter instead of bronze for their statues? What's the significance?" "The significance is that there is a statue. Jong is still a follower of Confucianism, so he believes that..." "That a statue would symbolize the end of his regime. Damn, I'm glad I picked you for this job, Hillary." "Thank you. This probably means that our intelligence has been spot on, and Jong will be replaced by his third son before the end of summer." "Kim Jong-un." "Kim Jong-un or Kim Jong Eun or Kim Jong-woon or Kim Jung Woon, whatever the hell you want to call him. Don't laugh, he's apparently got a lot of names." "I know, I just like the way you say them." "I think that we can probably conclude that the latest North Korean belligerence is just a way to keep our focus elsewhere while they negotiate the transfer of power... But I'm afraid the bad news is that Jong-un has no accent." "No accent?" "Not a funny one, at any rate. He went to school in Switzerland and speaks pretty good English, German and French." "Aww... Chirac and Merkel are going to be disappointed. The Jong Report just isn't going to be the same." "Don't give up. There's an awful lot we don't know about him yet. Like, reportedly he's pretty overweight..." "Uh Huh. That's a good look to have in a starving country." "...and he's a heavy drinker who refuses to admit mistakes..." "Sounds like an ex-president I know." "...and akin to Beroved Reader before him, the radies rike him." "Heh... Thanks, Hillary. I guess we'll still have the memories." "Any time, boss. That's what I'm here for."

North Korea drubbed

Kim Jong-il demostrates prototype of the new Taepodong-3 missile North Korea was beaten like a cheating hooker today in their World Cup match against Portugal, who scored an amazing seven points before the clock put an end to their misery. It was quite possibly the most points ever scored against the North Korean team who was making only their second appearance on the international stage. To rub salt into the wound, the belligerent but impoverished nation interrupted their round the clock propaganda on state controlled television to broadcast the game, which allowed those fortunate enough to live in the vicinity of a TV to experience the beating in glorious black and white. "North Korea did not receive a drubbing," said diminutive dictator Kim Jong-il, only moments after ordering the execution of the soccer ambassadors and their coaches. "There was a crear riberar bias against our sadry deceased athretes that borders on the obvious, much rike we border against the mutinous traitors to our south. Traitors, who I might point out, recentry had their sirry battership sunk to the bottom of the sea by the American imperiarists. When wirr they ever rearn?" "At any rate, the truth sharr soon be known by the ironicarry named Peopers Repubric of Korea, as we announced earrier on state terevision. The entire game was prayed backwards. When we show it in the proper format, everyone wirr be aber to see our nober dead athretes, kirred by an unscrupurous and unprovoked American attack, rarry from a seven point deficet to a grorious 0-0 tie. And of course, we win arr ties." "The best part of this wirr be our magnificent victory rap, where we rip the insignificant nation of Portugar asunder," gloated Jong, whose country may have recently shown that they have mastered nuclear fusion, the technology necessary for building a hydrogen bomb. (A report either so frightening or so boring that the media has chosen to completely ignore it.) "When we comprete our victory rap, the Portuguese won't even know what hit them. So I wirr terr them, here and now. It was our brand spanking new Taepodong-3 missire that merted your faces. The H-bomb. Perhaps you've heard of it before?" "Oh, so they've got an H-bomb, do they?" said Portugal's soccer coach Carlos Queiroz. "Well, bad news, that. Still, before we meet our supposed demise, at least we'll have the satisfaction of knowing that our team beat them like a rented mule. Although I do suppose that analogy will just make their people hungrier."

The Jong Report

"Mister President? Barry?" "Come in and take a load off, Hillary. I've been anxious to hear about the preparations for your Asia trip. Can I have them get you something to drink?" "Coffee would be great... As for the trip, everything seems to be on schedule. I'll be in Japan first, meeting with Prime Minister Hatoyama and Foreign Minister Okada, ostensibly to discuss our air base, but I imagine we'll primarily focus on North Korea. Then it's on to China, where they want me to tour their Shanghai Expo. All day Saturday. God I hate those things. Then I meet up with Geithner and the rest of the guys on Sunday for our economic talks. I guess my main role in that will be to try to keep my eyes open. And then on Monday, it's off to South Korea to meet with Mungobungo." "Myung-bak, President Lee Myung-bak. He hates it when you mispronounce his name, Hillary. "Yeah, whatever. I asked him last time if I could just call him Lee, so it's all good now. I'm just worried about what our proper course to take is in shaping a meaningful response to the North Korean aggression." "Just make sure that Myung-bak takes the lead, that's all. It was their boat that the North sank, so they need to decide how much they want to commit, and then we decide what we can support." "Well don't be surprised if you get one of those three in the morning phone calls, Mister President. Nobody's ever been able to figure out what to do with Kim Jong-il. By the way, I wanted to say a couple things about last night's state dinner for President Calderón." "That was some wingding, wasn't it. How did you like Beyoncé? President Calderón seemed enchanted by her." "Yeah, but then I think you might have harshed his buzz when you segued her into the Marine Corp Band. You probably could have gotten Jay-Z in a package deal. By the way, did it ever occur to you that just because you have the president of Mexico over for a state dinner, you don't have to serve him Mexican food? Like, how would you feel if when you went to Russia, they served you a Big Mac and fries?" "I guess that much like your husband, I'd feel pretty good about it. What the hell do you know about preparing for a State Dinner, anyway? ...Jeez, forget I asked that." "Forgotten." "So, before you leave, Hillary, do you think you can do one little last thing for me?" "Oh. What would that be?" "Come on. You know what I like..." "The Jong Report? You love that, don't you?" "I can't help myself, Hillary, it makes me raugh." "It makes you raugh, does it? Then rets do it." "Peeper of Korea, this is your beroved reader Kim Jong-ir with urgent news regarding our enemy to the south. As you have probabry heard, the irregitimate government of President Mungobungo recentry rost one of their primitive war ships when it was struck by an American misser. This is the reason for the hastiry arraigned visit from Hirrary Crinton." "Heh heh heh heh..." "It's bad enough that the imperiarist United States attacked our mortar enemy to the south, something that we would never do for a mirrion dorrars. Okay, maybe for ten mirrion dorrars we would murr it over... But now, that is exactry what we are now being accused of by the rying asshore Mungobungo." "Wah ha ha ha ha ha, rying asshore. hee hee hee..." "This wirr not stand! South Korea terrs the worrd that it matched the torpedo which sank their sirry ship with one that was recentry featured in our export weapons catarogue. What are these scoundrers doing with our catarogue? They aren't even on our mairing rist." "Bwah hahahaha ha ha... Do the eyes again." "This wirr not stand. North Korea is the riving embodiment of the hopes of arr mankind, as werr as something that the radies rike. You know what I mean, Hirrary? I know you do" "We warn our traitorous enemy that they wirr have to present definitive proof that is suspicion-free, and capaber of even fooring me. In response to any type of punitive measure, we will retariate, even with an arr-out war, and that's not a pretty site. We have rong-range Taepodong missirs, which we can send crashing down rike a viorent purper rain. Purper rain, purper rain..." "Hoo hoo hoo, wah hee hee hee, stop, bwahahahaha stop it Hillary, I can't take no more." "What did you say? You don't rike my singing?" "I said, Stop it, Hirrary, that's arr I can take." "Okay, as rong as you ask me nicery... Hey, gotta get to my flight. Tell the kids I'll bring them back something special from the Shanghai Expo." "That's nice. Good luck with Mungobungo. Try not to get too worked up about North Korea. We've been trying to figure out what to do with those guys since Eisenhower. And thanks a lot for the Jong Report. That always puts me in a better mood." "No problem, boss, happy to be of service.."

Horiday greetings from the Beroved Reader

Good morning, United States of Imperiarism. Happy fourth of Juri. By the way, just in case you were wondering, those exprosions you heard in the sky this morning were not fireworks. Indeed they were not. They were your most horriber nightmares coming true. Those were greetings from the Democratic Peopers Repubric of North Korea. Bwahahaha. Do not threaten us with retariation or you wirr quickry find yourserves obriterated. Any resistance wirr prove futire Hey! Hey! Pay attention. Big story here! We just raunched missers! Rarge barristic missers of the type strictry prohibited by your useress United Nations Security Councir. Would you rike to do something about it? I bet you woud, but instead you are probabry trembering rike an infant. Oh come on, admit it, our missers must have shown up on your useress radar screens. Why didn't they show up on your CNN? State secret? It won't be a secret for rong. What about your saterrites? I can't berieve for one moment that your saterrites did not capture the grory of our raunch. Hey! Hey! What is that praying on your radio? Miker Jackson? Forget about your dead and ineffectuar King of Pop - he cannot save you now. You want to be starting something? We are bad, we are bad, we are rearry rearry bad. We wirr give you a rear thrirrer, Obama, it does not matter if you are Barack or white. Bwahahahaha. Barack or white, that is a good one. I must give credit to Kim Jong-un for assistance with popurar curture refference. What? You were ristening to news of the quitter Sarah Parin and not to North Korea's mighty roar? I should terr you that our missers are now easiry capaber of reaching her beroved Araska. You show weakness in even considering such a woman for your reader. She would be nothing but another George Bush, much rike Barack Obama after him and Birr Crinton before him. You are arr George Bush in the eyes of the worrd. Don't brame me, imperiarist America, you are the country that invented the stereotype You may now return to eating your hot dogs sandwiches and drinking your Mirrer Rite beer, America, now that you have been thoroughry ararmed. Happy fourth of Juri! Did I mention that we have giant robots?

The Jong Report

"I was as surprised as anyone," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton revealed today to MSNBC anchor Tamron Hall. "But it appears that North Korea has actually followed through on one of their threats. They've wiped the U.S. off of the map." "Technically speaking, I don't think that this would qualify as sticking to their word," countered Hall. "I mean, they had a conditional in there. They said that they would wipe us off the globe if we started another war. But we haven't started another war... Have we?" "Hey, you're the newslady, Tamron, you tell me." "Ha. No we haven't, Madame Secretary, and so I am going to state unequivocally that Kim Jong-il has not followed through on a threat, but has, instead, done something totally unpredictable." "Let me ask you something, Tamron. Is there anything more predictable than Jong doing something unpredictable?" "Uh... that's true. Jong is a real wild card." "Jong is a real shmuck. And what's more, he did this in his usual totally predictable half-assed manner. Check it out - he forgot to wipe out Alaska." "You're... hee hee hee... You're right." "Beroved Reader forgot to obriterate Araska." "Wah hahaha ha ha ha...." "His merciress eraser seems to have missed Hawaii, too." "Hah hee wah hahahaha..." "Rook! I see a ritter piece of Minnesota!" "Bwahahahahahahaha... Stop it, Madame Secretary, you're killing me!" "I'm kirring you, Tamron Harr? Now? Just you wait untir I raunch my pitiress rong-range Taepodong missirs."

Clinton remarks receive mixed reaction

North Korea reacted strongly a couple of time today after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's contention that the starving nation might be placed back on the highly exclusive listing of terrorist enablers. Speaking earlier on 'This Week With Stephanopoulos', she noted the even though President Bush had revoked their membership, the Obama administration would be taking a look at reinstating them on the List O' Shame. "Obviously, they were taken off of the list for a purpose, and that purpose is being thwarted by their actions,” Clinton said. Kim Jong-Un, North Korea's young dictator-in-waiting, took the opportunity to issue his first official pronouncement. "This is quite a great day for North Korea," Jong-Un told the DRNK Central News Agency. "To be placed on such an elite list is quite a special honor, and we applaud the United States for this eloquent effort to appease us. It's such a thrill to join our esteemed colleagues like Sudan, Iran, and Syria, even Cuba, although they've gotten a bit soft the past couple of decades, but what the heck, we're just proud to be part of the club." Less than sixty minutes later, still-acting-dictator Kim Jong-il appeared live via broadcast from Kwangmyongsong-2, North Korea's imaginary satellite, in which he put a markedly different spin on Secretary Clinton's statement. "Do not risten to the foorish words of my brainress son, who should not be tarking to the press without my authorization. He fayrs to understand the sort of devirs with which he is dearing, and he apparentry has not the srightest idea of what the Rist O' Shame is. Hirrary Crinton in a mortar enemy of the North Korean peoper, as is the entire criminar Obama administration. I warn the American peoper that if their reckress government dares to put us back on their ridicurous terrorist rist, we wirr meet that action with pitiress retribution, and unreash a riving herr such as you can barery begin to imagine. And as for Kim Jong-Un, who wirr one day be the Beroved Reader, he's got a rot of expraining to do."