Christmas in Korea

After a grueling six days of pretending to be a semi-civilized nation, North Korea has been pushed to the limits of it's admittedly limited patience by South Korea's totally insufferable military drills.   "The racket is incessant, bang bang bang, day and night," said North Korean armed forces minister Kim Yong-chun. "And that incessant singing of music you can't even march to... What is that cacophony? We have asked the traitors to the south to please keep the commotion down so our people can get some sleep. Without sleep, they cannot be productive workers, but does the South care? No, they do not. They scoff at us. Go ahead and ask them."   "Scoff at them?" replied South Korea's President Lee. "I suppose if calling a country a cesspool of barbaric assholes is scoffing, then we plead guilty. Personally, I would say we insult them, but you know, some people are too dumb to know when they're being insulted. Hey, if the shoe fits, wear it. Oh. I forgot. Most of the people in the North have no shoes."   "Please relay to illegitimate President Lee the fact that while our massive military may have no shoes, they do have boots," replied Yong-chun. "We shall use those boots to march over their ineffectual soldiers. To counter the enemy's intentional drive to push the situation to the brink of war, our revolutionary forces are making preparations to begin a holy war at any moment necessary based on nuclear deterrent."   "Bwahahahaha," responded President Lee. "Hee hee hee hee hee... It is to laugh. Tell that moron Kim Yong-chun that not only do the people of the North have no shoes, not only do they have no food to eat, they have no religion, so how the hell does he think they're going to have a holy war? Oh, and tell him to look right across the border at Aegibong Peak."   "Oh, that is so obnoxious," said a stunned Yong-chan, laying down his binoculars. "And for the South, so incredibly bold that it gives me pause. A hundred foot Christmas tree with a plus sign on top, surrounded by festive holiday carolers so richly adorned that our citizens would surely revolt from pure envy if they were allowed to see it. That is beyond provocative...You win this round, President Lee, my morale is temporarily sapped."

genius on the world stage

Tensions were dramatically lowered on the Korean peninsula early today when South Korea's President Lee received an unexpected missive from insane dictator Kim Jong-il. "Happy holidays from the fun and freedom loving citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea," it read. "You've been punked."   Suddenly and without a word of warning, North Korea had backed down from it's pledge to inflict "brutal consequences beyond imagination" upon South Korea. They just didn't "feel any need" to respond to the South's silly military actions since they recognized them for what they truly were - "nothing but a childish play" for attention. Not only that, but the south was just "firing shells left unused during the military provocation on Nov. 23 - you know, the one where we blew up their island."   "Well, those guys really dodged a bullet this time," said President Lee. "If North Korea had subjected us to brutal consequences beyond imagination, we would have retaliated big time. There's no telling what we might have done. I know we've talked about responding to their attacks in the past, but we've had about enough and this time we really meant it. Maybe the ferocity with which our military was firing our missiles into the Yellow Sea frightened them, I don't know. It sure as hell scared some of the bluefin tuna."   North Korea wasted no time in trumpeting the remarkable diplomacy they showed by refraining from inflicting brutal consequences beyond imagination upon the South, calling upon the world to recognize "who is the real supporter of peace and who is the real provocateur of a war."   "It's true that I'm a South Korean," said United Nations  Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, "but today I must speak out in my role as a representative for the entire world and say Stick it up your ass, Jong. You bet we recognize who the real provocateur is."   Aside from their own love of diplomacy, North Korea had another more practical reason to avoid conflict at the moment, it's realization of America's insidious plot to use "South Korea's military provocation" to force the North into a war that would save the U.S. from bankruptcy.   "Damn, I can't believe they figured it out," said a disappointed President Obama. "Those guys really are the sharpest tools in the shed. I was going to call it Stimulus II, because if the last ten years have proven anything, it's what a beneficial effect a couple of good wars can have on the economy. Oh well, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Taliban warns off South Korea

Taliban fighter flees flying female foot in fear, forsaking fallen friend to foe. South Korea today announced that it intends to send an additional 350 civil engineers to Afghanistan, causing the Taliban to issue it's highest severity threat - the 'bad consequences warning'. Experts believe that the only bad consequences in store are those which are about to befall the Taliban. "Seoul had promised to pull out its soldiers from Afghanistan and that it will never try to send any forces in future," said Maulana Fazlullah, on Swat Valley's Taliban radio station. "What are we to make of these people? They are completely two-faced, and I would not trust them any further than I can throw a wildebeest. If they send their forces to Afghanistan and break their promise, then they should also be prepared for bad consequences, and may Allah have mercy on them if they come after us with their feet." "The Taliban have a deadly fear of all forms of foot fighting," explained Afghan commander Stanley McChrystal. "It doesn't matter whether it's Kung Fu or Kick-boxing or Jeet Kune Do. But the thing that terrifies them the most it Taekwondo, and that's the method that the South Koreans excel at. Every single one of these soldiers - I mean 'civil engineers' heh heh - trained for the 2009 Asian Martial Arts Games. You know, just in case. Before long, I believe we'll be able to say we've broken the back of the Taliban, as well as their shins and quite a few of their ribs." "This is so unfair," said Afghan Taliban leader Mullah Omar. "We believe that the foot is unclean, so be struck by one is quite blasphemous, not to mention painful. And the Koreans, they use girls. We cannot fight girls. Oh sure, we can stone them, we can beat them with sticks, we can throw acid on them, but to meet them on the field of combat would be a disgrace. And to be struck by a flying female foot... My heart is heavy, my future is dark. I told my soldiers they would have to wear groin guards and now they are in open revolt."