fairway negotiations

"I'm figuring twenty bucks a hole, Mister President, just to keep the game interesting. Sound about right to you?"   "Well, John, that all depends. Will you raise the debt ceiling?"   "I think you know the answer to that. I want two dollars of spending cuts for every dollar we raise it?"   "That's crazy talk, John. We don't have four gazillion dollars in cuts that we can make, so the answer is most likely no."   "Most likely, but not definitely. I think we're making some real progress in our negotiations, so I'm ready to present you with my latest offer. One dollar eighty-five in cuts for every dollar we raise the debt ceiling."   "That does sound a lot more reasonable than the two dollar figure you were throwing around. I'll ponder it. Now on to more important business. How much of a handicap are you going to give me? After all, you are ranked by Golf Digest as the forty-third best golfer in Washington."   "Very true, and the last time I checked, which was this morning, you weren't even ranked. Here comes your handicap now, my partner John Kasich."   "Good God almighty, the man looks like he can barely hobble out here. But twenty dollars a hole it is. Unless you'd like to raise it, because here comes my secret weapon, Joltin' Joe Biden."   "Curses! Not Joltin' Joe, the player ranked by Golf Digest as the twenty-ninth greatest golfer in Washington DC... I fear that you have bested me in these negotiations once again."   "Hey Boehner, I see you're wearing shorts that look just like mine. Aren't you a little tubby for those?"   "Fuck you, Biden... Mister President, you've got to give me something more in this deal. This disastrous turn of events has in effect turned this into a fair game."   "More than fair, John, because I know I can outplay that sickly looking partner of yours. You could say that... Whoa! Did you see the length of the putt that Biden just sank!"   "I know a thing or two about sinking putts, too... Mister President, will you tell your partner to quit staring at my shorts?"   "Stop it, Joe."   "Okay, lining it up... easy... Yahoo! The kid's in there for par!"   "That was only a two foot putt on level ground, Boehner. I'm not exactly shaking in my shorts over here."   "Shut up about the goddamn shorts, Biden... Mister President, we really need to renegotiate the terms of this game."   "I'll tell you what I'm going to do, John. I'll move these little flags for us and... Hey, what's the matter with your partner? It looks like he's having some kind of attack."   "It looks like he's about to shit in his shorts, Boss."   "Heh heh... You're right, Joe, he does! I think maybe you shook him up a little with your last shot."   "Kasich! Get the fuck up! You're embarrassing me! Honestly, I try to take you someplace nice and look at the uncouth way you behave."     "Nice drive, Joe."    "Thanks, Boss."    "Well, like I was going to say before your partner spazzed out, after the game, I'm going to allow you to drive the presidential golf cart back to the clubhouse. And there's something we were pulling your leg about - Biden's not my partner, you are."   "Oh, really? That means we have a real chance to win."   "Oh my lord, with Kasich at Biden's side, you bet we do."   "That's... very sporting, Mister President. And in return for your kind gesture, I'm going to go back to my caucus and see if I can talk them into accepting a buck eighty in spending cuts for every dollar we raise the deficit."   "It's worth a try, John."

tough negotiator

"I tell you, Boehner, when you said 'nobody puts baby in a corner', I thought I would choke I was laughing so hard."   "I never said that."   "Whatever, Britney. Yeah, good stuff, I'm going to start calling you Britney."   "What I said was that I refused to let the House Republicans be put in a box."   "Oops I did it again..."   "That's not funny, Mister Vice President. Don't you realize that we're getting ready to shut the government down?"   "Hey, come on Boehner, I don't want you to start bawling on me. Of course I know you're ready to shut the government down. It's just that we're ready to let you do it, that's all."   "But we're so close to a deal."   "In your mind, Boehner. Yeah, we're close on the ransom amount, but that never really was a problem. We can always just have the Fed print some more money - isn't that what you always like to say? This was never about the money, it's about you trying to achieve policy objectives via the budget process. Why don't you put your man pants on, like your Tea Goddess advises? A real leader would tell his people, listen, we only have one House of Congress, we don't have the presidency, so there's only so much we can accomplish right now. But next year, we're going to seize the reigns of power and then we can really change things. That's what a real man would do."   "That's exactly what we're going to do next year. But right now, Mister Vice President, you're forcing my hand, and the only thing we can do is shut the whole thing down."   "Go ahead, Boehner, get it out of your system. Because, quite frankly, I'd rather you shut it down now, otherwise you're going to be doing exactly the same thing when it's time to raise the debt limit, and that would be a disaster."   "I never said we were going to do that."   "Bullshit, man. And then after you nickel and dime us there, you're going to do it all over again with the 2012 budget."   "Well, I admit we might do it there..."   "Yeah, yeah, I know you will. And it ain't never gonna pass, so do it, man, do it right now. And you know what? A lot of people are going to be real happy to see the government shut down. Sean Hannity's going to be calling you a great American and Rush will probably give you mega-dittos. There's going to be a lot of celebrating. For a few weeks, anyway, until people start to suffer a little and the economic recovery reverses itself."   "I would hope that we would be able to resolve our differences before there was much real damage."   "What, by us capitulating to the minority party? Cause that's what you are, Boehner, the minority party. And after the American people see the results of your sterling leadership, that's what you're going to remain."   "I think it's always a mistake to assume..."   "Fuck you, Boehner. I ought to kick your ass. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Come on, crybaby, you and me, right now."   "There are serious legal consequences to threatening..."   "Fuck you! The president said he would give me a full pardon. Here, taste fist!"   "Oww! That really hurt! I... I've got to go meet with my caucus."   "Go! Get the hell out of here!"   "You're... You're a tough negotiator, Mister Vice President."   "You're an asshole, Boehner."

The King's plot

Of course you know that Christine O'Donnell isn't guilty of misappropriating campaign funds, since she is you, after all, and I'll bet you have a darn good alibi.   But whence the charges? There's no remotely logical grounds for the accusations, so it's got to be a conspiracy. It's a witch hunt, and the hunters are members of the all-powerful Delaware Republican Party, who don't want a Tea partier crashing their exclusive club... No wait! It's the members of the all-powerful Delaware Democratic Party, who know they could never defeat Christine a second time.   "You don’t need a tipster to show that this was politically motivated. We were informed..." "Wait, wait," I said, interrupting Christine, solely for the purpose of point clarification. "You said that you don't need a tipster, but then you say you were informed. Which is it?"   "I was told by someone I know with a lot of inside connections," Christine explained. "It was a friend, not a tipster. They said that the Delaware political establishment was going to use every resource available to them, including launching phony investigations, tying me up with lawsuits to make sure I can’t move forward politically. I even expect more things to come. That’s their tactic." I had a strong urge to ask Christine if she knew the difference between tactics and strategies, but believing the line of questioning to be futile, I kept my silence. But who unleashed these monsters and empowered them to launch their cretinous crafty Christine crushing crusade? "Given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment..." Christine began to explain, before I once again rudely interrupted to ask who this King of the Delaware Political Establishment was. Because I had no idea. I wasn't even aware that Delaware was still a monarchy.   Christine was visibly perturbed. "Gawd! I was trying to tell you. It just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table."   No it would not. Just think about it... Of course. It all makes sense. It's the man she almost defeated by a margin of 35% to 65% back in 2008 in her last failed senate campaign - the nefarious Joe Biden. The King of the Delaware Political Establishment, they call him. He's the only man who could possibly be able stop her ascendancy to the presidency in 2016.   "Bingo!" confirmed Christine, nodding her head enthusiastically. "I figure people are getting dumber every day. I only got 4% of the vote in 2006, but in 2008 I was up to 35%, and this year 40%. I figure by 2016, the sky's the limit, as long as the King is exposed."

the daily dysfunction

Congressional Democrats erupted into a petulant frenzy of righteous indignation today in reaction to the package of tax cuts and unemployment extensions that was a much better deal than any of them had any reason to expect mere days earlier.   Faced with the prospect of an even more inflexible Congress in January, Vice President Biden was dispatched to discuss the package with the Senate Democratic caucus, who showed their appreciation by keeping him waiting by the water cooler for forty minutes before finally agreeing to verbally abuse him for the next two hours. Reportedly, they felt much better after being given the opportunity to vent. Then the lucky Vice President got to repeat the experience with House Democrats.   "Your first day in the prison yard, you've got to punch the biggest guy out or else they're going to keep doing it to you," said Anthony Weiner, reflecting on his time at the Otisville Federal Correctional Institute. "Of course you usually find out that was a big mistake, and if you're lucky enough to live you're going to get butt fucked by the second biggest guy. I guess that's what happened, because Biden just gave me a funny look and said 'this is the deal, take it or leave it'. Well, I might have to take it, but I don't have to like it'.

aftermath

"You feeling okay, Boss? Cause you're looking just a wee bit deranged."   "This is my happy face, Joe. You can't imagine how glad I am to get these elections over with. You know, I'm pretty good at the campaigning but it gets old real quick. Now I can finally lay off of that tired old car in the ditch story."   "And I can lay off of the unrealistic predictions. I do feel a little relieved to see it done with. I just wish things hadn't turned out so badly for you, Boss. Jeez, what a massacre."   "Come on, Joe, it's not all that bad. Axlerod predicted we'd lose forty-six seats in the House."   "Not that bad? We lost a lot more than that!" "I know, I bet him a hundred bucks that we'd lose at least sixty. In yo face, Ax! The kid shoots, the kid scores!"   "Well, I'm glad you're taking this all so well..." "Don't be so gloomy, Joe, nobody likes a dour Vice President. Remember Cheney? That's what I'm talking about. This is a great opportunity for us. Nothing the American people like more than a gracious loser."   "That's not true! The American people like winners."   "Let's not make any rash generalizations, Joe. Some of the American people like winners. And besides, we are winners. I won the last thing I ran for, didn't you?"   "I guess so..."   "I know so... Tiger Woods doesn't stop being a winner just because he has a few rough months. You know what else the American people like. They like rooting for the underdog. That's us, Joe, we're the underdog now. We can't lose." "You're a very weird president..." "Really? How many presidents have you known, anyway?" "Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush... That would be seven, counting you. And you're definitely the weirdest."   "Can't help it, Joe. I guess it's part of my Kenyan heritage. Hey, wanna run by Mitch McConnell's office with me? I'll treat you to lunch at Ray's Hell Burger afterward."   "I don't know, Boss. I don't really feel like listening to him gloat about his seat pick-ups."   "Oh, I doubt he'll be gloating, Joe. McConnell bet me a hundred bucks they would take back the Senate. In yo face, Mitch! The kid shoots, the kid scores!"

Joe damns Joe on Joe

That's just fun to write, you know? And by my count, the name Joe was uttered fourteen times in two minutes as Joe Biden was interviewed by Joe Scarborough about Joe Lieberman on 'Morning Joe'. Biden, btw, was flanked by a steaming cup of joe. Needless to say, the topic of health care arose and the words "Say it ain't so Joe" were spoken. Although civility required Joe (the Veep) to defend Joe (the Asshole) as a great guy, Joe (the Pundit) was able to get Joe (the Pleasant) to say of Joe (the Insufferable) "Any Democrat who decides for their own shallow purposes, if that were the case, to scuttle this is not going to have a friend in the Lord."