my sincere apologies

It's Monday, everybody, and I am the incomparable Maharushie Rush Limbaugh sitting here behind the golden EIB microphone, ready to bring you the fastest three hours in talk radio. Fast for you, anyway... For me, I imagine those hours will begin rather slowly as I muddle through a few interminably long moments of quasi-apology for my unfortunate remarks of last week before turning to far more important issues, such as Charlie Sheen's 'intern' taking a job with the Obama campaign. Is that how the Anointed One intends on winning? We should have been able to see that coming online, although I'm just now getting a signal from the control booth warning me to stay away from references about being able to see anyone or anything coming online...   Ladies and gentlemen, I realize that this is going to be something you've never heard me say before on the airwaves, something you never imagined you would hear coming from my mouth, but the truth is, I could really use a good cup of coffee... I really could... The sad thing is that I don't believe we have any here in the EIB studio. Maxwell House used to be one of our sponsors but then one day when I made fun of Michael J Fox's for having Parkinson symptoms, and said that he should lay off the Maxwell House French Roast, they told me that was the last drop...   I could use a little pick me up... I'm tired... I've lost a lot of sleep the past few days... I've lost Sleep Number mattresses, which quite frankly, is everything you could ever want memory foam to feel like and more. And I've lost Sleep Train Mattress Center, which is your ticket to a better night's sleep, as well as being the best place on earth to get a Sleep Number mattress. At Sleep Train you won't need to take a loan to get a Sleep Number, which is excellent news since I've also lost Quicken Loans.   Once again, I am a victim of those who hate America and would like to banish conservative voices like mine from the airwaves. As the injured party in this matter, I would get a lawyer except for the tragic fact that on Friday I lost Legal Zoom and since I lost Carbonite at the same time, I don't have a backup plan.   At this moment I have very little choice but to apologize for being the victim of circumstances beyond my control. This is eerily  reminiscent of the aforementioned Maxwell House incident or the misunderstanding with Toyota after I had a little fun with the Japanese tsunami. America has become so politically correct that freedom of speech is almost an alien concept... Nabisco even took offense a couple years ago when I suggested they rename their new double stuffed Oreo as the Orbameo. I thought that I was handing them a brilliant idea, but then again I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that they wouldn't want to be associated with this president... I sure do miss those cookies...   So here I am again in the sinner's corner. If not for the fact that my mind is so much quicker than that of an ordinary human I would have caught myself before my wit had a chance to spew forth. It's a little like chess, you have to think ten moves ahead, and when you talk about a hot young co-ed having enormous amounts of sex and wanting us to pay for it, you've got to realize that some listeners are going to think that you're talking about having that sex in a Sleep Train bed on a Sleep Number mattress, and advertisers can be sensitive to that type of reference, even though it was made with no harmful intentions.   So to these advertisers I offer my heartfelt apology. My choice of words was not the best, and in my brilliant attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir, the way only I can. But now that you understand my intentions were innocent, I beseech my sponsors to return with all due hast. I've already forgiven you for questioning my motives and I've really got to make it to the men's room in the next ten or fifteen minutes...

Zero dittos. No, not one.

"...and that's just a small example of the sort of perversion of the will of the American people that's practiced by Dirty Harry and the Senate Democrats 365 days a year. Now to the phones - we've got John from Arizona. Go ahead, caller."   "Mega dildos, Rush."   "Dittos, John, the word is dittos."   "Dittos? I don't even know what that means..."   "What's on your mind?"   "I've got kind of a problem, Rush. You see, a couple of years ago I was having an affair. It was..."   "That sort of thing does happen in the real world."   "It was kind of an impulsive thing, you know, it just sort of happened. The thing is, she was the wife of this guy who worked for me, and uh, I guess she worked for me too..."    "Ouch. John, you have my sympathy, a little of it at least, but I'm afraid you've called the wrong show. You might want to try Doctor Laura. We're talking about the devious overreach practiced by Senate Democrats."   "Really, Rush, I swear this is related."   "Please try and relate it swiftly or I'll have to move on to the next caller."   "Okay, okay. Well, one thing led to another, and before I knew what was happening, I found myself being investigated by the Senate Ethics committee."   "Those people will do anything other than attend to the peoples business. Just why would the Senate Ethics committee see the need to get involved?"   "That's what I'm asking myself. What business of their's it it? But they did get involved and I ended up being charged with violating campaign finance law and abetting the violation of lobbying restrictions and..."   "Whoa, whoa, whoa... I'm going to play a hunch and say that I'm talking to disgraced senator John Ensign."   "That's kind of a low blow, Rush. You didn't have to come right out and use the D word."   "You, sir, are a scumbag."   "I know I am, Rush. The whole world knows I am, but I wanted to give you an example of the sort of devious overreach that you were talking about. Just a few minutes ago, Ethics Chairwoman Bow Wow Boxer came out and pronounced me guilty."   "Hold it right there, you pathetic loser. The lady is a United States Senator and worthy of your respect."   "But Rush, you called her Bow Wow Boxer during your last segment."   "And yet at this moment, she is the honorable Senator Boxer."   "They shouldn't be doing this, Rush, I already resigned my position. What else am I supposed to do?"   "Allow me to suggest burning in Hell."   "That's cold, Rush. You're supposed to be sympathetic to me. It's the Democrats!........ They've sent my case to the Justice Department!"   "Bravo."   "God! Who knows what Eric Holder will do! They could..."    "Oops, we seem to have lost that caller. Let's go to Kelly in Toledo. Go ahead, caller."

Rush reacts

Sheriff Dupnik is to blame, of course. In the aftermath of the Arizona assassinations, Dupnik was interviewed by CNN, where he blamed the atmosphere that caused the event on "the vitriolic rhetoric that we hear day in and day out from people in the radio business and some people in the TV business". Later he even suggested that perhaps Sarah Palin stirred the pot a bit by targeting Congressman Gifford with a rifle scope in one of her excellent Facebook PowerPoints.  Then Keith Olberman went on the air with the same argument, and a couple crazy bloggers too, but none cut with the force of Dupnik . Rush went wild today, seeing as he was the man under attack, blaming everyone from Barack Obama to heavy metal for the Arizona murders (a partial list of the guilty here), but Dupnak is particularly blameworthy. He Revealed to his dittoheads the shocking fact that Dupnik is a registered Democrat, an important point that the 'lamestream' media has neglected to mention. An important fact, because the media and the Democrats have a conspiracy to get Rush. There are 'political reasons', doncha know, and Limbaugh explained that "this is what all of this is really all about. It is all political. I was blamed for the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995 … it’s the template, it’s the narrative."   As you probably recall, Limbaugh was blamed for the Oklahoma City bombing, but was ultimately exonerated when a judge determined that he was too wasted that year to have been a plausible suspect. But his point, as usual,  is well taken; it's all about Rush.

it's nice to have a dream

"Next to the eagle, the pelican is my favorite bird. I have this dream that one day a pelican will land beside me and I'll be able to pet it. I know it'll never happen, but I still have the dream." - Rush Limbaugh, 6/16/10

we will serve you if you will get us free from the prince

Howdy, Rush. Come on in and make yourself at home. I kind of figured you might stop by when you heard that Maureen and me were whipping up a batch of my age-defying protein pancakes. You could smell them from outside? I'll bet you could. They're mighty good, and they're good for you too. The ones I'm making right now are called silver dollar pancakes. I like them because they're bite-sized, and it really is a lot of fun to sit down in front of a plate with twenty pancakes on it. Don't look so worried, Rush, Maureen and I have already eaten. These are for you. Although I'm not saying that I won't get the yen to make myself another batch. You know, America loves pancakes. They're comfort food, and Lord knows, I can use a little comfort about now. It's not every day you get called stupid by the White House. That's absolutely humiliating, even if the president is a godless hooligan. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but don't you just hate it when people take your words out of context? I know you do. And it's not like I really hate Haiti. Do you? Oh. Why? Oh, really? My goodness, that must have been terribly painful. I've never had anything bad happen to my penis. Oh. Calm down, Rush, your pancakes are just about ready, and I'm getting empathy pains just listening to you talking about your suffering. It's not good to hate, Rush, but I understand your reasons. Just try and keep it in your mind that it was one lone homeless boy that probably wanted enough money for something to eat, and you were a young man at the time. Oh... Well, a middle-aged man... Huh. Hope you don't mind using a plastic fork. Here you go, twenty perfect little pancakes. They're good, and they're packed with protein. Syrup? No, I don't believe in the stuff. It clogs up your arteries, and... Well, I know, we're all going to die, but no reason to hasten it on. Why don't you just soak them in bourbon like I do?

Rush & Health Care Doing Fine

The nation breathed a sigh of relief today as it learned that it's most beloved broadcaster had emerged largely unscathed from his frightening encounter with chest pain. "Any time you experience something traumatic like this, it's best to turn your body over to the professionals," Limbaugh said upon emerging from Queen's Medical Center in Honolulu. "It occurred to me that, much like the mainstream media, my heart might be attacking me. However, the doctors told me this was impossible, as I have no heart. And then we laughed and laughed." "I'm actually quite glad this frightening imaginary incident happened, since it gave me ample opportunity to check out the American health care system from the inside, and I'm pleased to report that it is perfectly fine just the way it is. I shudder to think of how differently things might have turned out if this incident had happened under Obama-care." The Bloated One was reminded that things would have probably worked out pretty much the same, seeing as how there was nothing wrong with him. "Perhaps, but I would have been surrounded by a horde of poor and disadvantaged people, and that could have had a profoundly negative impact on me psychologically," he replied. "And there is a strong likelihood that the staff would have been so overworked that they would have been unable to fawn over me and cater to my every whim. Not that I received any special treatment, of course. In the free market health care system, they treat everyone that way."

ditto

"I am a harmless, lovable little fuzzball. I am the most unthreatening, tolerant, lovable guy you could ever meet." - Rush Limbaugh, multiple occasions "I'm a lovable little fuzzball! I have no idea what they would have to fear." - Michelle Bachman, 12/9/09 "I'm just a lovably harmless little fuzzball. I don't have any particular axe to grind." - Sean Hannity, sometime in the next 24 hours