Saturday, February 21, 2009

Jai Ho

"...and we're back, with 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire', and our current contestant Bobby Jindal, who has successfully made it through the first seven rounds of questioning. Bobby, before we get to the next round, let's learn a little more about you. We've already discovered that you are a governor in the United States of America. That sounds like a fascinating job. Tell me, Bobby, what is the most interesting thing that you've ever done in your work as a United States Governor?"

"Well, Prem, that's an easy one, because it happened just this past week. You see, the American president decided to bankrupt our children and grandchildren for generations to come...

"Your grandcestors."

"That's right... by heedlessly spending money that we don't even have on a massive load of pork that won't do anything at all to create jobs,or opportunities. It's all a giveaway to special interests."

"You know, Bobby, if you answer eight more questions correctly, you too will have an opportunity to heedlessly be spending money like there's no tomorrow. But continue your story. What did you do when confronted with this affront?"

"It was quite a dilemma, Prem, because a lot of that money would be coming to my state, millions and millions of dollars, and I know there are a lot of people that think we would be better off if I just swallowed my pride and took it. But I just couldn't betray my principles, so I told the president to take that money and shove it."

"Indeed? Bravo! Audience cheer! But in truth, millions and millions is even more than you can win here on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire', so I am curious to why you are even subjecting yourself to my questions."

"There is something you must understand, Prem. In America, I would not be able to keep the money that the president wishes to squander. That made my decision considerably easier. And truth be told, I did not reject all of the funds. Only the money that would have gone to extend the lending of alms to the beggars, the ones that in India you call Dalits or 'untouchables', and that we in America call the gainfully unemployed."

"Mmmm... I must tell you, Bobby Jindal, that India has abolished the caste system and officially uses these derogatory terms no longer. And I think it's rather heartless of you..."

"Listen, Prem, the fact is that their unemployment benefits would run out sooner or later, so let's just accept reality here and not try to turn this whole thing into a class war. Okay? 'The poor ye shall have with ye always', that's a quote from Jesus fucking Christ. So lets put an end to this interview, and just give me the next goddamn question."

"All right, then. I shall try to make it a particularly tough one... Damn! This appears to be in your field of expertise, Jindal. The category is 'Secular American Politics'. Are you ready?"

"Yeah, yeah, fire away."

"Okay. For $32,000 dollars, what does it take to be the GOP frontrunner? To clarify, the GOP frontrunner is the conservative or 'Republican' candidate with the best..."

"I know what it means, Prem, and it's going to be Bobby Jindal the frontrunner as soon as the weekend news lull is over. Give me the options."

"Here you are, asshole. 'A-money', 'B-luck', 'C-brainpower', and 'D-destiny'. Take your time."

"Okay. I can eliminate 'B-luck' immediately. We all make our own luck... Money... Destiny... hmm. Am I destined to be president? Brainpower... It's... it's pretty smart what I'm angling for, I know... I'm speaking to the conservative leadership on Monday, and stiffing funds for Louisiana's unemployed is a brilliant move... I... I... I'm torn... I'm going to have to use a lifeline, Prem."

"You have two lifelines left, '50-50', and 'phone a friend'. Which shall it be?"

"Give me 50-50."

"As you wish. The remaining answers are 'A-money', and 'D-destiny'. Choose your response carefully."

"Oooh... Think... In 2000, George Bush won on destiny... and, but... In 2008, Romney had money... Giuliani had money... McCain had no money, and he was the candidate, it was his destiny. D-destiny, that's my final answer."

"Are you sure? You can take this check for $16,000 dollars and simply walk away..."

"$16,000 won't even cover my airfare to fly over here and do your moronic TV show. 'D-destiny'. That's my final answer."

"'D-destiny'. Will Bobby Jindal move on to round eight, where the question is worth $64,000 dollars, or will he fly back home penniless? Ah, suspense... This could be an opportunity to..."

"Just give me the goddamn answer, you moron."

"As you wish. The answer is A-money. Now who is the moron? The answer is always money on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire', dummy."

"The answer is not money! Don't you..."

"Next contestant. Now, please welcome Ramalinga Raju, an outsourcer from Satyam Computer Services to 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'!

from Slumdog, 'Paper Planes' by MIA


  1. Bravo, Mark.
    Teh game show governor. . .

    Game OVER.

    Goooobye, loser.

  2. Now we know who put the Lousy in Lousyana.