Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Justifiable Paranoia

CNBC on-air editor Rick Santelli's worst fears came true today when he was abruptly snatched from the driveway of his Bethesda home by four non-descript men in black. Santelli was attempting to retrieve the Wall Street Journal from a large Juniper bush in his front yard when the incident occurred.

Santelli's wife, known only as Mrs. Rick Santelli, became concerned after she noticed that her husband's pancakes had become cold and nasty. "At first I didn't think anything about it, because the newspaper seems to end up in that Juniper bush at least twice a week. I mean, it really is a large Juniper bush and Rick can have a dickens of a time getting the paper out of there."

"The paperboy throws it there on purpose. I know that for a fact. They all hate him at the Wall Street Journal. They do, they hate him because he's not afraid to speak truth to power. And his voice drives the market. Just ask him... Oh, that's right, you can't ask him because he's been kidnapped. And it's all due to that fateful incident..."

The incident of which Mrs. Rick Santelli speaks occurred mere days ago when her husband spoke truth to power on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, convincing a group of bored traders to agree with him that the Obama administration had no freakin' business making them "pay for your neighbor’s mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can’t pay their bills."

"Oh, I was proud of him that morning, as proud as I've ever been," says Mrs. Rick Santelli, her face a stirring blend of pride and fear. "We always pay our mortgage, not like our left wing neighbors with their fancy extra bathroom." She shakes her head with undisguised disgust, her voice dropping to a whisper.

"It's bad enough having to fish the Journal out of the Juniper bush, but... We get the Washington Post as well, and half the time those nogoodniks next door steal it right off our driveway. I know that for a fact. I got up early one morning and almost caught them in the act. You could see them from the kitchen window, and they were looking right at our house. I know they hate us because we're not willing to pay their mortgage. Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Rick is gone, so I'll probably end up canceling the paper."

Much as Santelli's brief foray into fame has been cancelled. He had a premonition of the ramifications of his bold action, and did his best to tell the world, appearing yesterday on the G Gordon Liddy show to speak of the cloudy figures which were swiftly closing in on him.

On Friday, Santelli had caught the attention of Robert Gibbs, the new White House Press Secretary, who had mentioned him by name. By name, and in a disparaging manner. Like Icarus, Santelli had flown too close to the Sun.

Santelli: He started that press conference saying, “I don’t know where he lives, I don’t know where his house is.” This is the Press Secretary of the White House. Is that the kind of thing we want? Is that —

Liddy: It’s a veiled threat.

Santelli: It really is. I don’t really want to be a spokesman, but I really am very proud of a) the response I’m getting, which is overwhelmingly positive, and b) discourse, that is debate. That if the pressure and the heat I’m taking from the White House - the fact my kids are nervous to go to school - I can take that, okay.

"I pray to God that he really can take it," says Mrs. Rick Santelli, lighting a Virginia Slim off the still smoldering butt of her previous one. "Obama's henchmen are probably torturing him right now. That is, if he's still alive. Robert Gibbs hates us, you could hear the contempt in his voice at that despicable press briefing. 'I don't know where his house is', my ass. I got on the computer as soon as Rick disappeared, and it's there, you can find our address on Google, it's there as clear as day... I've sent the kids away, somewhere they'll never be found. Someday, perhaps they'll understand why I did what I had to do... I don't know..."

"Rick had a dream," murmurs the visibly distressed Mrs. Rick Santelli. "He was on the verge of achieving it... He wanted to be bigger than Jim Cramer. Oh, he used to tell me how Cramer would strut around CNBC spouting his predictions, all pompous and holier than thou... Jim Cramer hated us. I suppose he knew that he wouldn't be on top much longer, but... There he is, still on top. I've never heard his name bandied about like so much stew meat inside of Obama's gulag... I suppose he made his deal with the devil, but that's something Rick would never do."

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