Wednesday, February 18, 2009

¿Me hablas a mi? (Burris launches listening tour)

...and so this is what I would say this to you, ma'am. It is a very nice hat. It really is, and I would be willing to bet that when Mrs. Kradovich made that remark in church on Sunday about it looking like something a Turkish whore would wear to the funeral of her dead pimp, I'm thinking that those words were probably spoken out of jealousy. People can sometimes be very cruel when they're covetous of what others have, it doesn't matter whether it's a seat in the senate or a lovely red hat like the one you're wearing today, ma'am. Okay, I'm still listening. Who's next?

Okay... Let me turn that around. What is your opinion on best actor? uh huh, I'm listening... uh huh... Richard Jenkins? I'm afraid that I don't know who that is... The Visitor? I'm so sorry, I've never even heard of that movie... Uh huh... Well, Frank Lagella, the thing is, he didn't really look like Richard Nixon, so I had a hard time believing him. Of course I had a hard time believing Richard Nixon, too, because I have a certain facility for judgment, which is why I believe that the good people of Illinois voted for me as Illinois State Comptroller not just once but three times. But I guess what I'd say is that the intelligentsia, the people who control the media, they have decided in their infinite wisdom that this will be a two man race between Brad Pitt and Mickey Rourke, so I guess the opinions of the good people of Illinois aren't supposed to matter.

Okay. You, sir... Go ahead, I'm listening... Whoa! ...uh, huh... Absolutely... I agree with you 100%, the new Pizza Hut 'Natural' tastes like, I don't want to use the word that you just did, so I'll say that it taste like cardboard... uh huh, I hear you, but the United States Senate is unlikely to take any action, although I'll be more than happy to pass your thoughts along... So... If I could, I'd like to get back to the earlier question about the best actor award. I would just like to say that I personally am rooting for Mickey Rourke, because I heard that he just lost his beloved dog Loki to the ravages of age. And I used to have a dog, a very good and loyal dog, even though I no longer remember his name... You forget certain things when you grow older, sometimes very important things, and I'll just bet that Mickey Rourke did not get mad at Loki if he forgot a trivial detail here or there... Next?

Yes, ma'am. Uh huh... I suppose that it's fair in the sense that they have the power to do with me whatever they want... Uh huh, I'm listening... You think I'm getting railroaded? Well, you can't get railroaded if you don't have a train, and there's no cash in my caboose... Uh huh... uh huh, that's very astute, and I think you put it perfectly. Of course I wouldn't have a caboose if I don't have a train. If I might make a little joke, I'd say that these so-called investigators are on the wrong track... You liked that one? Thank you so much. Next?

Uh huh... I'm listening... Nadya Suleman? ...oh, Octomom, yes sir... uh huh...

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