Thursday, March 19, 2009

a busy day on the ship of fools

In an effort to recoup the symbolically priceless AIG bonuses, the House is working itself into a frenzy today in order to swiftly complete legislation which they all must surely know is most likely illegal, but which they feel certain is guaranteed to bring a temporary smile to the faces of their constituents.

Rep. Charlie Rangel sponsored the bill currently under debate, which would tax the 'retention' bonuses at the 90% rate and would come with a free annual IRS audit for each recipient as long as they live.

“This is not going to happen again,” Rangel said, summing up the prevailing mood despite the fact that everybody knows that 'this is going to happen again'. But wait, is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

“The light is flashing and letting them know that America won’t take it,” Rangel concluded, without irony considering that the gist of his bill is that America will take ninety percent of it. Which makes Minority Leader John Boehner mad as hell, because he doesn't want ninety percent, ninety-nine and a half just won't do, he wants it all and he wants it now.

And so, as a matter of principal, Boehner pledged to vote against Rangel's plan, which he dismisses as a 'sham', a real pantywaist of a proposal, totally unworthy of his vote. Besides, the Republicans were offering a much better strategy of their own - a bill that would require Geitner "to devise a plan within two weeks to get all the bonus money back."

Now aside from the little Constitutional problem with the whole 'separation of powers' nonsense, I've got to say this is a plan that would make Homer Simpson proud, because it is the laziest-ass plan conceivable, a 'not my problem' kind of plan, a plan to require somebody else make a plan. (And it has the extra added advantage of turning Geitner into a somewhat more exciting villain if things doesn't work out).

Alas, an angry Congress acted so swiftly and decisively that your loyal reporter didn't even have time to complete writing this piece before the die was cast. Rangel's bill passed 328-93, allowing the majority of the House to go home dreaming about that fine day in March when once and for all, they stuck it to the man.

Boehner's proposal, drafted on a single 3x5 card, never saw the light of day, and now lies crumpled, like so many other dreams before it, lies unnoticed on the hallowed floor of the House of Representatives.

John Boehner, a single tear moistening the cheek of his still upheld head, exits the building and walks swiftly down the Capitol stairs. "We did stick it to the man today," he mutters, "just not to the right man."


  1. Those things that Boner scribbles on 3x5 cards are not dreams, Mark. Whenever he eats a kitten he tends to belch a lot; when he belches, it cause a a random thought to be erupt in his head, sort of like brain crepitation— which he promptly writes down on a 3x5 card. That's all that is. Not dreams.

  2. Gastronomicaly transmitted dreams, perhaps?