Sunday, March 29, 2009

Further rifts seen in GOP leadership

After receiving an urgent call from Minority Whip Eric Cantor, House Republicans gathered in a hastily convened meeting for a rare Sunday session, for the purpose of considering a non-binding resolution condemning China for possessing a computer spy system awesome enough to suck the secrets right out of the data banks of 103 countries.

Minority leader John Boehner spoke earlier today to FOX News Sunday about the emergency meeting.

"The Republican Party does not condone this Chinese foolishness, and although we really hate being characterized as the party of no, we feel compelled to give a thumbs down to this sort of blatant computer hackery. For the Chinese to be fooling around in the all these data banks, and to be caught doing it, is un-American, although I suppose that may sound more than a little obvious, coming at a time when the GOP is trying to make a hard-right from our current course of running over the same carcass time after time, and so I will say tonight that you, the Chinese, cannot be allowed to run roughshod through the world's data, although I will add that, uh... 103? Damn. 103. That's a lot of data banks."

"On the plus side, I've got to pause and wonder about the Chinese priorities. I mean... Let me just say that when you're dealing with a very large number of countries, let's say 103, you start encountering a lot of countries that really don't, uh, I hate to use the word insignificant, but come on... I mean, when the president meets with the G-20 this week, you're already stretching it as far as first rate countries go. What, China can has the time to spy on Azerbaijan? Trinidad and Tobago? Good luck with that. Sure hope they don't try and destroy us with all the secrets they stole from tiny Togo. Hey, all you have to do to take over Togo's data bank is break into the presidential hut and steal the National Rolodex. Just saying."

Boehner's lack of zeal calls into question the decision to call the special session, which aside from Cantor was attended by only thirteen other House members. Boehner, who did not attend, sheepishly admitted that the ploy might be construed by some as an opportunity to deflect criticism away from the poorly received GOP budget proposal by shifting the blame to China, a charge which Cantor readily admitted.

"The Chinese spy system, that's what Boehner told you? That son of a bitch. He's the one who told me to call the session and he didn't even show up. I'm trying to bring new credibility to the Republican Party and he's trying to insinuate that the Chinese spy system is responsible for his lousy budget proposal? Yeah, it sucked the guts right outta that motherfucker, what can I tell you? It coulda been a contender... Well, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be part of this tomfoolery, although I guess I already am part of this tomfoolery since I'm the one who called the goddamn session. Get your weeping towel out, Boehner, cause I'm going to give you something to cry about."

1 comment:

  1. The person that dresses Boner should be fired.
    And all this crying by the Republicans could weaken the two party system, darn it.