Hold on to your booty

Jackson works on his new moves Aside from the eagerly awaited sequel 'Slumdog Jeopardy', perhaps no event in the world of entertainment is generating more excitement than the series of 50 Michael Jackson 'Don't call it a comeback cause I never went away' concerts set for London this summer. Promoter Randy Phillips is psyched. "Now we have the biggest artist in the world at the best arena in the best city," gloats Phillips, who has the satisfaction of knowing that all 750,000 tickets are sold and the money is in the bank. In spite of the fact that no insurance is yet in place, he's not worried about the possibility of Michael getting pneumonia, or Michael breaking a hip, or Michael developing a flesh eating disease, or even Michael deciding to just not show up. "Oh heavens no," chuckles Phillips, "I got him to sign over his kids in case of forfeiture, so he will appear. Now it's just a matter of insuring the venue and the shows themselves." "AIG was going to insure the concerts, but when the Feds refused to allow them to take 12% of the tickets for their employees and clientele, they decided to pull out as a matter of corporate integrity. It's not as though they had plans to provide travel and lodging on the taxpayer's dime, I don't think, so it all seems a bit of nonsensical. Anyway, someone else will come along, because this is big, this is enormous, this is my shot at truly monumental failure." "He's 50 but he's going to dance his ass off," claims Phillips, who says that Jackson is not the sort of artist who is content to go off and rest on his laurels for twenty years. "Eighteen years, yes, but he was really exhausted after doing the 'Dangerous' record. Or was it a CD? I don't remember, did they have CDs back in '91? Whatever, he's rested and he's ready to hit the stage. And he's at a new creative peak. He's working on a new move. Something like the Moonwalk, but different." Like the Moonwalk, but different. Sounds intriguing in the way only Michael can be, and so we pleaded for more details. "Well, like I said, he's going to dance his ass off. Literally. We don't have the logistics all worked out yet, but it promises to be pretty wild. During the 80s, Michael invented the moonwalk, and during the nineties he lost his nose. In 2009, he will combine his talents of dancing and spontaneous amputation in a way that has never been seen before. And he damn well better do it fifty nights in a row or I'll own both his posterior and his posterity."