Joe the Bummer

So a plumber walks into a bar, okay, maybe it was a banquet room but I'm sure there was a bar in there somewhere because the other customers celebrants people in the room were applauding Samuel Wurzelbacher for chrissake, and the jukebox was playing 'God Bless the USA'. The event was Media Research Center's 'DisHonors' Awards, where high-powered conservative celebrities like George Allen, G Gordon Liddy, and Brit Hume gather to celebrate "the most outrageously biased liberal reporting of the year". Among this years winners were Chris Matthews and the always dependable Bill Maher. "We are here to love them [the news media] as much as they love us," said MC Brent Bozell the Third, oblivious as always that folks such as him and Brit, and yes, even G Gordon Liddy are actually a part of the media. "When covering the White House, reporters ought not need kneepads." Ought not indeed, Brent, extraneous kneewear is always a bit of a turn-off in the big leagues. It's not surprising that Joe the Plumber was there for a comedic walk-on. It's similar to seeing Gary Coleman hawking 'Cash Call', you figure 'well, I'm glad to see the little sucker is getting a payday'. And the paydays haven't been all that fruitful for Wurzelbacher. No regular TV gigs ever materialized, the web think kinda petered out, and his book sits in a warehouse growing mold. Even his latest project, the country album everyone though was a natural, has been unable to obtain distribution, with those who have heard it dismissing it as 'too depressing'. So Joe climbs the stage to a smattering of applause, scans the room to see if Sarah is out there somewhere, and boldly tells the audience "God, all this love and everything in the room - I'm horny." There are a few laughs, not many but more than you would expect, and some of the more sophisticated among the attendees know that, yes, this much is true, Joe is horny, and why would he not be? How could he not be? Joe is too depressing. 'Where are the groupies?' Wurzelbacher wonders, as he stretches to fill his ninety seconds, making a feeble joke about his 'token redneck' status, but knowing in his heart that even this is only half true.