Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Limbaugh victim of gentle taunt

In other news, earlier today Newt Gingrich was accused of gently taunting Rush Limbaugh. (The picture at the left catches him in mid-taunt, prior to his shocking canine reference).

Gingrich's faux pas occurred during casual remarks made in a panel discussion at the prestigious Collingswood Institute, where he basked in the results of a new poll which showed him being credited as more influential to the Republican Party than Limbaugh. The poll was taken by a group called Democracy Corp and was designed to measure the extent that America doesn't share The Bloated One's values. Democracy Corp was reportedly surprised to find out that you don't need a weathervane to know which way the wind blows.

Aside from revealing the startling news that conservatives like Rush and liberals don't, the poll also identifies the most influential man to the Republican Party, with John McCain leading the pack at a dwindling 38%, Newt running second with 25%, Rush placing a distant third with 24%, and Other with 78%**.

"I own him, I totally own him," quipped Gingrich. "Rush Limbaugh is my female dog! Welcome to the urban-suburban hip-hop grand old party, Mr. Limbaugh. Ha ha, sorry, that's my Michael Steele impersonation."

Limbaugh responded during the third hour of his show, after a moll he maintains at Collingswood Institute phoned him with the news of Gingrich's gentle taunting.

"To coin a phrase, this is like deja vu all over again," Limbaugh said, momentarily coughing on his huge cigar. "I'm not coughing on my huge cigar. My cough is a cough of incredulity. As I've said before, I’m getting quite tired of talking about Newt this and Newt that, always with the Newt. It's pointless exercise, and frankly, everything I do has a point. But now the man leaves me no choice."

"Newt Gingrich is a creature of the drive-by media, and as previously noted, when I’m dealing with people in the media who think they’re in politics, I am dealing with a seriously deranged population, unlike my population, which stands in diametric opposition to their inanity. They are Johnny-on-the-spots, and I will not submit to their gentle taunting. They don't stand for anything unless they see a poll about what the American people want. And the real American people, the unfrightened conservatives, clearly see what they want, and what they want is me."

"At first I was outraged by Gingrich's gentle taunting, but then the pills kicked in, and when they did I could see that those numbers just do not add up. So no, Newt Gingrich, I will not be your female dog, although you are voluntarily mine, because you worship me, you hang on my every word, you want everything I have. You are the flavor of the day, a failed politician who desperately wants to be a media star, who would give anything to be me. And there is no room inside of this Izod shirt for anybody else, because I am full of myself unto bursting."

"Talk about a straight line," chuckled Gingrich from the safety of his underground bunker. "Full of himself, I could make a very wry comment. I find it amusing that he said that without irony. But I am sorry that Rush took offense. If only I had gone ahead and said 'bitch', he might've been more receptive to the lighthearted humor in my gentle taunt."

**Department of Not Made Up: Explanation of why the numbers add up to 165% - respondents were allowed to name two Republicans.

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