Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Maureen Tweets

Hello... This is Maureen... Oh... hack hack... Like I told you, I've got the flu. I didn't write a column for tomorrow... What? I did too... I Twittered you... Well hack why not?... Honestly, step into the hack hack twenty-first century hack. I shouldn't even be having this conversation with you when hack we could be twittering... Roger! Not only twits Twitter. Everybody Twitters. hack hack hack Even the Republicans are twittering... You're a Twitophile, Roger... Uh huh, you're the one who said 'fuck Twitter'. Honestly, what did Twitter ever do to you? hack hack hack hack hack All right, all right, I'll come up with something, just don't expect a work of genius... Well that was rude... hack hack Okay, but I'm going to send it by Twitter... hack Fuck you too, darling. Ciao.

Stage of Fools

by Maureen Dowd

02:12AM>I am not feeling at all well today, so I am filing my column by Twitter. As far as I know this is something that has never been done before

02:12AM>so you the reader and I the writer can experience this together. My editor says that it isn’t possible to convey intelligent thought when output

02:13AM>is limited to one hundred forty characters. Tell that to the Japanese poets who describe the mystery of existence within the ‘restrictions’ of


02:15AM>If only Shakespeare had known how to Twitter.

02:15AM>That would be pretty funny, because there would be no way with which he could deploy his knowledge.

02:16AM>Much like 72 year old maverick John McCain, except Mr. Cranky, unlike my editor, is now twittering up a twizzard to tweak his former rival.

02:19AM>Here's a Shakespeare quote: “He’s mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf, a horse’s health, a boy’s love, or a whore’s oath,” the Fool told Lear.

02:20AM>Or, I might add, a twittering old fool. I hope Twitter messages aren't protected by some archaic law, because I need to finish this column and get

02:20AM>back to bed. Here's a whole bunch of McCain's Twitterings about budget earmarks. Make up your own jokes, because I'm ill. hack hack.

02:21AM>$2.1 million for the Center for Grape Genetics in New York. “quick peel me a grape,” McCain twittered.


02:21AM>$1.7 million for a honey bee factory in Weslaco, Tex.

02:22AM>I guess he's not sweet on that idea.

02:23AM>$1.7 million for pig odor research in Iowa.

02:23AM>God, has the man never driven by a pig farm? That smell will turn your stomach inside out like Mickey Rourke in 'the Wrestler'.

02:24AM>Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

02:36AM>Threw up green stuff. (Not money). I should not be working today. Okay, just a few more tweets.

02:37AM>$819,000 for catfish genetics research in Alabama.

02:37AM>I don't care for catfish, and I don't know anybody who does. I'll bet Obama doesn't care for catfish either, no matter how 'down home he tries to act.

02:39AM>Catfish are bottom feeders. Maybe Rush likes catfish.

02:40AM>$650,000 for beaver management in North Carolina and Mississippi.

02:40AM>I would love to insert a good beaver management joke here, but as I may have mentioned, I AM ILL.

02:44AM>$951,500 for Sustainable Las Vegas.

02:44AM>McCain, a septuagenarian who loves Vegas and gambling, must really be against earmarks if he doesn’t want to “sustain” Vegas.

02:44AM>Vegas is for codgers, kids and losers.

02:45AM>$200,000 for a tattoo removal violence program to help gang members shed visible signs of their past. “OH REALLY?” McCain twittered.

02:47AM>Not OH REALLY, John McCain, O'Reilly. LOL. Bada bing.

02:48AM>There were more McCain Twitters that there were earmarks. I could go on and on, but that's enough.

02:49AM>“When do we turn off the spigots?” Senator McCain said in his cri de coeur on the Senate floor. “Haven’t we learned anything?"

02:49AM>'Cri de coeur' is French for a passionate babble.

02:49AM>Even when I'm ill, I try to teach you something new in everything I write. Hack hack hack hack.

02:50AM>And now, I've got to 'glisser mon cul au lit'. ('Drag my ass to bed')

02:53AM>Word count is still low. Here's something else that Shakespeare wrote in 'King Lear'.

02:54AM>“This is the excellent foppery of the world, that, when we are sick in fortune often the surfeits of our own behavior - we make guilty of our

02:54AM>You get the general idea.



  1. That is hilarious! Dowd probably doesn't write more than 140 characters at a time anyways.

  2. Coming from you, that's high praise.