New market volatility at week's end

Financial markets entered a new phase of unprecedented volatility as two divergent investor groups previously seen as insignificant made major although unpredictable impacts. Panic broke out among Dispensationalist Christian investors yesterday when the Dow hit 6666.66 precisely at 1:00 PM EST (known as thirteen o'clock within the millenialist church), causing the market to drop another 112 points by the closing bell. Timothy LaHaye, founder of the Council for National Policy, and author of the 'Left Behind' book series explains that the sell-off was inevitable. "This is... members of the church have been watching the market for months now, waiting for the Dow to hit the 'double apocalypse', the divine sign to sell, so that would be happening now irregardless. But when it hit the sextuple sixes right at thirteen o'clock, it's Katy bar the door!" "We don't see this as one of the predicators of the end of times," explained Lindsey, "but we do see it as the end of our time investing in this blasphemous market. I'm advising all true believers to take their money and invest it in gold." This was the signal that most pirate investors had been looking for, and brokers were inundated today by buccaneers bearing bountiful booty, besieging brokers, and buying battered bank stocks. As well as a little GM and Chrysler. "Tis a sure sign these stocks be ripe fer th' pickin' when ye can buy a handful o' shares cheaper than a mug o' cheap rum," explained noted pirate investor Jimmy 'Hook Hand' Cramer. "Arrr, they's better than dubloons, they are, an' we`re plunderin' big time. When th' dispensationalists bail ou' o' th' market, 'tis Matey bar th' door."