Opponents fear for the worst from stem cell reversal

Within minutes of Obama's releasing constraints on federal funds for embryonic stem cell research, the House GOP leadership were available to shake their bowed but unbroken heads in dismay and disapproval over the now eminent dangers of human cloning. John 'Weepy' Boehner bemoaned the fact that Obama was ""further dividing our nation at a time when we need greater unity to tackle the challenges before us." Noting as an aside that none of the unity would be coming from him or other House Republicans, Boehner went on to stress his belief in research. "I fully support stem cell research, but I draw the line at taxpayer-funded research that requires the destruction of human embryos geared towards the creation of baby-puppy hybrids, and millions of Americans feel similarly. We don't need them, we don't want them, and I consider them to be an abomination. I will admit, however, that they're just as cute as a button. And practical, too. They get dirty, you can just wash 'em down with a hose. Diapers? Forget about it. Just stick em out in the backyard and let em do their business. Imagine all the tricks you could teach that little fur-ball, but forget about it, it's an Obomination. Baby Cleetus can not be our future, and I'm hopeful that the President will re-evaluate this and other controversial decisions that put government at odds with the sanctity of human life." Baby Cleetus is the mascot unveiled yesterday by PetSmart to kick off their 'Spring Spectacular One-of-the-Family Sale', and is in no way the result of embryonic stem cells being used to create a baby-puppy hybrid. "Just because it isn't real, doesn't mean it couldn't be real," cautions Boehner, "and this nightmare is one step closer to reality than it was before Obama handed these 'scientists' the keys to the kingdom. I wonder what you'd call them, though. Buppies? That would be kind of cool, but then you're opening up a whole other can of worms." PetSmart is discontinuing the use of Baby Cleetus due to a strong reaction from the financial markets. "It's a supply and demand problem," explained a PetSmart spokesman. "Our stores are overflowing with folks demanding to purchase a buppy, and we don't have any supply."