Monday, March 30, 2009

the stain

Evenin Mr. President... Well, I'm doin pretty good. Wouldn't exactly call it retirement, I'm travelin a lot, writin a book, givin speeches... yeah, you hear the speech I gave up in Canada? I goodmouthed you... said I hope you succeed, and that the new president didn't need me runnin around shootin my mouth off about him... Well, you don't... Yeah, you're welcome... I also said that if you needed my help you could just call me up anytime... uh huh.. I know it's gracious, I'm a busy man, but the problem is, I don't know if you've been tryin to call me or not cause there are times when I have to answer my own phone... yeah, well, I'm not used to it yet... half the time I erase the messages when I try to listen to em...

So, anyway, I though I oughta call you in case you had been tryin to call me for advice or anything... uh huh... uh huh... Oh, you were thinkin about callin me? What about?... The G-20, huh? Well, I guess the first thing is to take a look at some of the countries you got attendin the conference and try to match em up with the people attendin, cause that makes a real good impression... Old business trick... Yeah, and try not to give away the farm, if you know what I mean, cause some of those countries are really needy... uh huh... and whatever you do, don't even think about putting a move on Angela Merkel... Well, you'd be surprised the sort of things that can happen on some of these out of town trips.

Listen, while I've got you on the phone, I've got somethin serious... Yeah, it's somethin I heard... Remember my rug? The big yellow rug that I like so much... Well it should still be in the Oval office, unless there's somethin you're not tellin me... Yeah, that rug... Remember, I told you how much that rug means to me and... yeah I did. It was in the traditional transition letter that I left on your desktop. You shoulda seen it on day one... Yeah, that letter. Remember me sayin how Laura designed that rug? Well she did... Hold on, I know you're busy, but this can't wait. Did you get that dog yet?... Well, what about your kids, you let them play on that rug?... What I'm gettin at is this. Karl sent me an article from the Washington Post and hold on, I'm gonna read you something. It says The president - that's you - held himself up as an example, sayin that he had not yet renovated the Oval Office and was still usin George W. Bush's furniture, even notin the stains on the carpet. I think you know where I'm headin with this...

Well there sure as hell weren't any stains on that rug when I left office, that rug was spotless, so I... I don't think I said anything very funny. Maybe you shouldn't have a nice rug like that if you can't take care of it... Well, kids don't belong in the Oval office for one thing... Are you kidding? I didn't let Barb and Jenna near my office... You've already gotten it cleaned?... It just sounded in the paper like the rug had become some sorta disaster... Yeah, the media is like that, always tryin to create a scandal... Uh huh... Maybe I could come over and take a look for myself next time I happen to be in town... Well, okay... Just call and let me know, or I can call you in a couple weeks, or... okay... okay... bye.

1 comment:

  1. It was just the spot where someone vomited after choking on a pretzel. Not to worry. We kinda like to look at it.