Monday, March 16, 2009

When AIG staffers dream

Monday afternoon, in the offices of Glengarry Corporate Recruitments
You know, Boss, not to be presumptuous, but if I were in your shoes, I think I'd be trying to snap up some of that high quality AIG talent.
I'm one step ahead of you, Duncan. As a matter of fact, that's the solitary reason for this hastily called meeting; to announce that Glengarry is getting ready to do some high quality headhunting.
If I may say so, that is indeed some superior headhunting that you've got your eyes on. It's common knowledge that AIG has had to really pad their budget in order to retain the proven leaders that they've groomed.
That's why we're going to have ourselves a little contest and see who can recruit the best and brightest AIG has to offer. We want to put particular emphasis on the highly specialized staff from their award winning financial products unit.
That's some enormous talent they've got, Boss. I guess you know that every major financial firm in New York City wants to get there hands on the AIG superstars. So how do we compete?
Good question, Flannigan, and one you better figure out quickly, because this contest begins tomorrow morning the moment they... what time do they start answering the phones over at AIG, Betty?
Tenish... Ten-thirty at the latest.
The contest will start at precisely ten-thirty tomorrow morning. You've got three days to show me who can bring in the most AIG talent. Friday morning we'll meet back here in my office to discuss the results.
Whoa, whoa, we need to set some ground rules here. I'm assuming we can offer them something more attractive than our regular new hire package. I mean, this is the best and brightest we're going after, right Boss? Can we offer them bonuses?
As I mentioned earlier, AIG has had to pay plenty to keep that caliber of talent working at their shit-hole of a business, so you've got to give us some chips if we're expected to play.
Hell yeah, you can offer them bonuses. Big frigging ones, too. We don't have to worry about the Feds breathing down our back like those poor saps over at AIG. The way I see it, the best and brightest of theirs are ripe for the picking now that they've run their company into a ditch that they won't be getting out anytime soon. They can't pay anymore. It won't be long before they're rupturing talent.
The best and brightest of their talent. Right, Boss. I'm going to be on that phone tomorrow at ten-thirty sharp, and I won't take no for an answer. I won't stop until I've scored us some superstars!
Let's see if you can put those words into action, Buttkiss. All right, listen up. We're adding a little something extra to this month's headhunting contest. Instead of your usual semi-annual bonuses, we're going to have prizes instead. And you'll be excited to know that first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado.
In what corner of hell is a Cadillac Eldorado equivalent to my semi-annual bonus?
It's not even remotely equivalent, Higgins, but we need your bonus money for recruiting those highly specialized AIG staffers. Maybe you'll be able to generate a little more excitement when I tell you that second prize is this lovely set of steak knives.
Oh... Those are pretty nice...
Oh man, third prize is really going to suck...
I've seen this movie before, you fools. Third prize is going to be a pink slip.
This is not a movie, Higgins. Third prize means that you get to keep your job. But everybody else is going to get fired. To show you how this is going to get done, earlier this morning while you were all hobnobbing around the coffee machine, I went out and hired three of AIG's best and brightest headhunters.

That was cold.
I think if I put my mind to it, I just might be able to win those steak knives.


  1. Stop it, Mark! You're making my whole body look crows-feety!