Friday, April 3, 2009

Begich resigns

Democratic Senator Mark Begich has resigned effective immediately, following two days of incessant urging by the Alaskan Republican Party for him to step down. After the dismissal earlier this week of the ethics case brought against Ted Stevens by Federal prosecutors, it dawned on the Alaskan GOP that the election won by Begich over Stevens should be re-run to give the octogenarian former senator a better chance. Today, Governor Sarah Palin threw her opinion into the fray when she expressed doubts about the manliness of any politician who would embrace victory achieved in such an unfair fight.

"It's true what Palin said," explained Begich, who is already setting up his 2010 Senate campaign headquarters in Fairbanks. "What sort of a man would I be if I accepted a cheap win like this one? I felt bad about it from the beginning, what with poor Mister Stevens getting all that horrible press, and me, clean as a whistle. It wasn't right, and now that the Feds have screwed up to the point where they're not even able to prove that he's a corrupt old bastard, all bets are off. There's business to be settled, and this time, I'm willing to fight Ted Stevens like a man. I'm still not sure why the Republicans wanted me to leave the Senate this early in the re-match, but it probably has something to do with fairness, and that's good enough for me."

Senate majority leader Harry Reid signaled his support for Begich's decision, saying "a special 2010 election is the only fair way to go. Those corrupt Federal prosecutors, you know, they were all Bush's hand-picked goons, so this could have happened to any one of us. Some claim that Stevens was a corrupt bastard who always had his hand out for a bribe, but now we need to just take him at his word. Let's give him another shot."

"In a way, this is a case of an unfairness begetting another unfairness," chimed in a conciliatory Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "Because it is unfair to peel another member away from the Democratic caucus in this manner. But I guess Begich will have another chance in 2010, while this could be the last shot for a corrupt old bastard like my esteemed colleague Senator Stevens."

One person not enthusiastic about a rematch is 85 year old Ted Stevens, but nobody has thus far asked for his opinion. Governor Palin, who called for Steven's resignation just eight days before the 08 elections, is prepared for the possibility of his refusal to make another run.

"Well, I guess inaction is always a possibility with my friend Ted Stevens," Palin said. "If that were to be the case, I guess the only fair thing would be for me to step in and take the corrupt old bastard's place."


  1. The whole darn thing got off on the wrong foot when most people didn't understand that turning Ted's one-story A-frame into a two-story wasn't a renovation; it was a rejuvenation. Anybody with half a brain could see that.

  2. Huhwellll, you have to admit she's totally qualified to be a corrupt old bastard herself.