the downward spiral

...and that was the big news earlier today after the mainstream media revealed what they called 'shocking new revelations' about the Bush administration. To help us put this story into perspective we have the former President himself to set the record straight here on 'Hannity's America'. Good evening, Mister President.

Good evening, Sean. I've been here so often lately that I'm going to have to start charging you residuals. By the way, I found it interesting that you now appear to be describing FOX as mainstream.

Sometimes it appears to be, Mister President. I watched Shepard Smith earlier this evening and it really gave me pause the way he likes to pretend there are two sides to every story.

You could make a case that there are multiple sides to any given story, Sean. You could even go as far as to say that 'the truth' is subjective. It would be a false case, but it would be a case nonetheless, if you follow what I'm saying.

I don't, Mister President. So what did you make of the big brouhaha today? It seems like every time I turn around the media is coming out with a new 'shocking revelation', and quite frankly, I don't think we should be hearing any of this stuff in the first place.

In a real democracy you wouldn't hear about it, Sean, because in real democracies people know how to keep their mouths shut. It saddens me that this great nation has been dragged down to the level of a secret-spouting banana republic, but that's the hand that we've been dealt, so I for one am doubling down.

I guess you may have to triple down after these ludicrous charges that we heard about today... Tell me, Mister President, is there any truth, any truth whatsoever, in these charges that CIA interrogators performed certain acts of cannibalism on our terrorist prisoners?

Come on, Sean, why don't you try assuming the role of a rational FOX commentator for a moment and tell me what you think.

I think these charges are a total load of hooey is what I think, and I think they're being fabricated from whole cloth by the very lowest minds of this hell-bent on Socialism Democrat Party, and I think these people need to be made to pay for their slander.

You're basically correct, Sean. Of course our civilian warriors ate no enemy flesh. They ate brains, which are an organ. Our researchers found that the eating of terrorists brains provided unfiltered organic intelligence of incomparable reliability.

Fascinating. So what the media has seen fit to reveal is the fact that we currently have zombies working directly for the Central Intelligence Agency.

Not at all, Sean. While it's quite true that zombies eat human brains, in fact they revel in it, the eating of human brains does not in turn make one a zombie. Our purpose for eating brains was to access the intelligence that they contained.

Good old American ingenuity. So do you have any success stories? I mean, I'm sure that you do, but do you have any success stories that you can share with us here tonight?

Why not, Sean? Since the Obama Administration has seen fit to reveal all the secret programs that helped keep America safe for seven years, then there's no reason why I can't at least tell you the sunny side of the story. For example, we captured Khalid Sheik Mohammed after eating the brains of one of his lieutenants, a man by the name of Ahkbar Medulla Oblongata. Oblongata had a tremendous amount of valuable information in that brain of his which led to many of our earlier successes.

Wow, that's amazing. So let me ask you this, Mister President. In light of all of these charges that are emerging now, for example, when they say that you had Khalid Sheik Mohammed waterboarded some one hundred and eighty times, and I guess I'm wondering why you didn't just...

Why we didn't just eat his brains? I'll tell you why, Sean. It's because George Bush made the foolish mistake of briefing a joint congressional panel about our brain-eating program, and...

And the Democrats shut it down, didn't they? Oh man, I should have known the answer to that question before I even asked it. These are the folks that hate America, and now the inmates are running the asylum.

You can see that after that, we had no choice but to resort to more primitive methods that are now being referred to as torture. So believe me, there was no way that we were going to tell the Democrats about waterboarding when they were clearly in sympathy with those who wanted to destroy this country. From then on, we treated them like mushrooms - kept them in the dark and fed them plenty of s**t.

Whoops, I'm afraid I had to bleep you there, Mister President. For the life of me, I cannot understand why we're allowed to talk about Democrats and yet they won't allow us to use that powerful word which is so germane to the topic of discussion.

It's ponderous, Sean, f**king ponderous. It's like talking about Hershey Bars and not being able to use the word delicious.

Or Ruth's Cris Steakhouse... I know we've only got a limited amount of time this evening, but I need to ask you one more question. Do you expect any negative repercussions to come from the media's disgraceful disclosure of the Bush administration brain-eating program?

Not really, Sean, although I suppose the media will have a field day with it. Our lawyers checked the matter quite thoroughly on both the civilian and military law side, and it seems that there are no prohibitions whatsoever against eating the brains of an enemy combatant.

Well thank God for that small blessing, even though it makes me sick to think that a valuable program such as this one was so heedlessly discarded. And I suppose that now we'll just have to grit our teeth as we hear all the stories about the Jihadists eating American brains.

Possibly, Sean, although I don't believe that before today, anybody else had ever thought about it...