Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fat Lady still missing; Coleman sited as person of interest

Minneapolis police say that they may be closer to solving the kidnapping of Sieglinde Finkelstein, beloved mascot of the Minnesota Vikings widely known for her singing of Wagner at the conclusion of victorious home games at the Metrodome as well as providing musical closure to state elections. There are reports that former Senator Norm Coleman has now been identified as a person of interest in the case.

"We have brought him in for questioning, which is standard procedure in a case like this," says police captain Bjorn Jones. "We believe that Ms Finkelstein is still alive, and possibly being kept in a fruit cellar somewhere in Minnesota's vast frozen tundra. And we believe that Mr. Coleman may, at the very least, be able to provide clues as to her whereabouts. Does he have a motive? Well, lets just say that at the very least he has what we could call a symbolic motive."

Detective Hjørdis Andrews has been following the case since November 30th, when Finkelstein failed to show up to provide an aria for the Vikings 34-14 victory over the Chicago Bears.

"Sieglinde hadn't missed a home team victory since 1996," says Andrews. "Fans sat in the stands for a good twenty minutes after the game was over, expecting her to whip out a little 'Träume' or 'Im Treibhaus' but it never happened. Even though the Vikings ended up making the playoffs, some say their season ended then and there."

"Let me put it this way," Andrews continues. "Yon Coleman has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much, and such men are dangerous. The ransom note, which we received two days after her missed performance, asked for 4400 Kroners. That's about $30,000 US, not very much for a singer of her girth and talent. And of course, as I'm sure you know, the money was dropped off but never picked up."

"I'm working on the theory that the kidnapper was playing a little game of semantics with us. What if the perpetrator was in fact asking for 4400 cronies? You could, with a little imagination, interpret that as 4400 votes, which just happens to be the number of ballots that Coleman has been brazenly demanding for almost six months now, and, if you follow me, he has publicly indicated that if he does not receive them, he will refuse to allow the Fat Lady to sing. Metaphorically speaking. Circumstantial, sure, but there's a certain sort of twisted logic to it."

"Ridiculous," says Coleman spokesman Svein Stevens. "If we want to get into rampant speculation, we could just as easily say that Al Franken kidnapped Sieglinde Finkelstein, and that 4400 refers to that TV show called, well, it was called 'The 4400', and it was about all these people that are abducted in a beam of white light, but then all of a sudden they return, and... did you ever see that TV show? No? Ah well, it wasn't very good..."

"I just hope Sieglinde is found soon and all of this is settled," says Vikings coach Thorfid 'Brad' Childress. "The 2009 season is right around the corner, and I'd hate to have to use our top draft pick on a new soprano."

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