Thursday, May 21, 2009

Bringing it all back to the American Enterprise Institute

Good morning - or perhaps I should say good afternoon, because in the words of that great country song by Alan Jackson, it's always five o' clock somewhere before Barack Obama finally winds up his phony moralizing and rests those suspiciously thin lips of his. I feel that I should apologize for asking the members of the American Enterprise Institute to wait for the... President - I have trouble verbalizing that - to finish his little diatribe before hearing the hard truth from me.

Little did I realize that Barack Obama would drone on for a full two hours and forty-seven minutes before finishing with a promise to speak more in depth at a later date. I've had surgeries that took less time than that, and I realize that many of you who did not go to sleep just packed it up and went home. As did I.

That's why I'm speaking to anyone who may remain in the auditorium via this video. I had enough time to return to the Cheney estate, record my speech, add a few special effects - aren't those lasers great? - and have my daughter Liz do a little sound editing. Yes, she's an expert in that, too. She took out all the heavy breathing so I wouldn't sound as scary. And we still had time left, so she edited the heavy breathing back in because without it, I didn't sound scary enough.

And make no mistake, fear is important. It's important to the American people, and without that fear, they're liable to do all manner of crazy things, such as contemplating the possibility of holding Dick Cheney - and others - responsible for the loss of things that I need not even enumerate, for how does one define a void?

I suppose you could say that a void is an open space or a break in continuity. We have all experienced that particular lack of continuity since that cold and tragic day in January, four month ago on this very day. Tick tock tick tock, where has America gone? Or more accurately, where has America gone wrong? I think, in your heart of hearts, you know the answer.

Or a void may be defined as a state of emptiness, loneliness, or loss, such as I felt in the aftermath of 9/11, a feeling that I regret to say is no longer remembered by those whom some might call the heartless bastards of the current administration that no longer sees the need to protect the citizens of this land from an enemy that is ever ready to wage jihad against the naive leaders of a once great nation that mere months after believing it had found it's way to the mountaintop, now finds itself humbled upon the cold gray alter of socialism. Excuse me, that sentence took my breath away. I'll tell you a frightening secret, one that Obama has not yet foolishly divulged - if there is one thing that the terrorists hate even more than a free and democratic America, it's a socialist America. One can hardly blame them.

But back to the void, or as I like to think of it, something that contains no matter, such as Barack Obama's two hours and forty-seven minutes of phony moralizing, ten thousand and twenty ticks of the clock that members of the American Enterprise Institute will never have back due to my purposeful insistence that you wait for me through his entire speech. I'll admit, some of you may have felt the experience to have been torture, but I prefer to call it enhanced education. Play it backwards in your head and the message will be mine, for the truth is the opposite of the words that come from his gilded throat.

There are other meanings of void that I could riff on, such as the legal definition of having no legal force or validity; or perhaps the medical term of excreting bodily waste. We could certainly have a field day with that one, but those of you who know me well understand that Dick Cheney is no simple vulgarian. Indeed, while I am quite complex, the truth is simple, and I leave you with these five simple truths.

You are doomed. Everything you know is wrong. Not my fault. God bless America. It's five o'clock somewhere.

1 comment:

  1. Dick,
    An amoeba is 'QUITE COMPLEX" too, Dick.
    But when it comes to knowing truth, you
    are, it appears, doomed; everything you know is indeed, wrong, your fault, without Divine favor, and your singular responsibility. But unlike a clock stuck at 0500, a lying Dick stuck in the past is never right even twice a day; heinously, you're always just a lying Dick, Dick.

    Excellent post, Mark.