Tuesday, June 30, 2009

sovereignty day

They were shooting off fireworks and firearms across Iraq today, as the country celebrates National Sovereignty Day - the day, of course, when American troops turn over control of the urban areas and pull back a little further into the countryside, where at least they can have a warm beer without someone hollering holy jihad. Camping on the outskirts, our soldiers will be positioned like Batman, waiting for a signal from Commissioner Maliki that their presence is once again needed in Baghdad City. And then - theoretically - they will slowly begin to trickle back home, or at least to other theaters.

But it's not what you would call a big whoop over here in the US, as one man is quick to point out.

"If we were still in charge of the effort, this day would receive a helluva lot more gravitas," says former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "I tell you one thing, at the very minimum we would have had one boatload of soldiers arriving home, even if we had another boatload heading back at the same time. My God, this administration doesn't seem to understand the first thing about visuals. How are the American people supposed to understand what victory looks like if the only thing they can see on TV is a horde of Iraqi men firing their guns into the sky?"

"Victory? You call this victory?" growled former Vice President Dick Cheney, angrily slapping a Barrack Obama bobble-head. "This is not victory, you insufferable old fool."

"Calm down, Dick," soothed Rummy. "If you keep smacking that doll like that, you're just going to break it. Look, you just kind of ping it's head... like this. See? But back to the topic at hand, I would assert that this may be called a victory of sorts, at least as far as we wish to make it so. Our war has been won. Our war. And quite frankly, I believe that is precisely why the Obama administration is not giving the day any special attention. Because the victory is ours, not his. Obama is just carrying out the plan that your old boss put agreed to months ago."

"That shit-for-brains was never my boss, you senile old bastard."

"Well, Dick, that may well be so, but it's quite clear that you weren't his boss either, at least not for the last couple of years. I know that you wouldn't have let him cut my legs out from under me the way he did."

"I just might have, you miserable rum bum. That pasty old fuck John McCain had more insight into winning a war than you did."

"Temper, Dick, temper. God knows I would hate to see your heart explode on you. One thing that I think you and I can agree on is that we both knew a helluva lot more about winning a war than Junior did."

"Damn straight. It's just that I hate to see us waste all the tremendous sacrifice that’s gotten us to this point. And I feel so bad about never getting that oil... The guys will never let me live that one down. 'You invade Iraq and you don't even get their oil?' Ha ha, very funny. At least you don't have to listen to that sort of shit."

"True, but getting fired by Junior was humiliation enough."

"Bwah hahahahahahaha, you should have seen your face! Still, I guess you're right about one thing. We should treat today as a triumphant beginning of the end to a war we started in order to protect America from the specter of terror. Whatever. And let the truth and circumstances be damned."

"We go to victory with the circumstances we have, not the circumstances we wish we had."

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