Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Uptick forecast in Terrorist imports

Furious at the totally expected news that GITMO inmate Ahmed Ghailani has been brought to New York for trial, House Minority Leader John Boehner fought back tears as he relayed the unspeakably traitorous conspiracy that he has uncovered with the aid of his side-kick, Boy Wonder Eric Cantor.

"This is the first step in the Democrats' plan to import terrorists into America," said the doe-eyed bronzed god. "What is step number two? Step two is to release them into communities across American where they can brutally kill innocent men, women, and children... at will... especially the children..."

"Here, John, take my handkerchief," said the steely-eyed Cantor, his face frozen in a scowl of grim determination. "While TanMan here regains his composure, let me elaborate a little bit on his shocking revelation by offering you an even more shocking revelation."

"Terrorists spend years trying to sneak inside our borders, and bringing them here ourselves is utterly counter intuitive," Cantor said in a voice that can only be describe as a loud whisper, which might seem counter intuitive, but really, it was one of those whispers like the sports commentators use during a golf tournament when the truth is they aren't anywhere near the action. That kind of whisper. "Of course, it only seems counter-intuitive because my esteemed colleague did not give you the complete picture. The Democrats do not in fact plan to release terrorists into communities across America. They intend to release terrorists only into Red states. See? Suddenly it's a lot more intuitive, isn't it?"

"Begging your pardon, Eric," said Boehner, now fully recovered. "Ahmed Ghailani is going to New York, and the last time I checked, that wasn't exactly a Republican stronghold."

"May I respectfully ask just what the hell sort of a Minority Leader you think you are," shouted Cantor, his whisper no longer technically a whisper. "You're doomed to stay in the minority with a negative attitude like that. Don't you know that last night, in the first step of our march to victory, the GOP seized back control of the New York Senate? Didn't you know that? And then, today, all of a sudden we've got a madman stalking through the suburbs of Albany! This is a warning shot, you idiot, a shot across the bows!"

"There's no need to get so emotional," said Boehner, fighting back bitter tears of betrayal. "Listen, Eric, this..."

"Mister Cantor, if you please."

"Well... all I'm saying, Shortstop, is that this transfer was planned well in advance of the first step of the Republican victory march."

"He's only the first terrorist," shot back Cantor, "they've got 240 more ready to go. And that's just at Guantanamo Bay. After that, they'll start bringing over all the detainees from Iraq, all the detainees from Afghanistan, all the detainees in Yemen and Togo and Saudi Arabia and lands of which we are not at liberty to speak. That's got to be at least 50,000 more terrorists out roaming the streets of Obama's failed Socialist state!"

"There's no need to exaggerate," replied Boehner, now acting in his capacity as the voice of reason. "By exaggerating, you're just giving ammunition to our opponents. The truth is, I don't believe we're holding any terrorists in Togo."

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