Monday, July 27, 2009

Parnell tips into the spotlight

Governor Parnell celebrates his rise to power by skating a
victory lap through the streets of Anchorage.

"So, how 'bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quite makin' things up. And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people, and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone." - Sarah Palin addresses press at resignation speech

Newly crowned 'Mr Alaska' Sean Parnell doesn't have much in common with his predecessor Sarah 'Quitter' Palin, although they do share one familiar trait; an attitude of ambivalent suspicion towards the media. And so it was with a certain amount of trepidation that he agreed to meet reporters in order to clarify his statement from yesterday that there was "only one word for Sarah Palin's resignation speech - 'completely inadequate'."

"Sure, some of you media guys probably want to pounce all over this," said the new governor of America's icebox. "You'll be saying, 'completely inadequate', that's two words, and the fact is, that's true. It is two words. But I'm not the one that said I had one word. That was the media. Is there a singular English word that means 'completely inadequate'? No, there is not. There is an Inuit word I could have used - katakartanaq - but if I had used that, you probably would have accused me of speaking gobbledygook. How many of you know what gobbledygook means? Oh. All of you?"

"Sure. Clever bunch, you media guys. You write so much of it. My point was... What's that, Nanook? You say katakartanaq is one of the seventy-three Inuit words for snow? That's very true, and I shouldn't be surprised that a reporter from the Arctic Tribune would be aware of that fact. But then, smart guy that you are, you would also know that this word is used during polar bear hunting when the snowfall is just a smattering, insufficient to drive the polar bears out of their hiding place. Henceforth, katakartanaq. Completely inadequate."

"Snow doesn't drive polar bears out of their lairs? Where'd you get that from? You're not a polar bear hunter, you're a damn newspaper reporter. Your daddy was a polar bear hunter? Huh. Well, your daddy's not here now, is he? So my point is, Sarah Palin's little speech yesterday was completely inadequate because she didn't mention my name a single time. It's Sean Parnell, Governor Sean Parnell. Yesterday should have been all about me and my rather remarkable rise to power, not about some quitter. I'm Alaska's very own Gerald Ford. He was a president. Make a note of that. He came to power when there was another quitter in office. How many of you were aware of that? All of you? Damn."

"Anyway, my point is. Everybody's interested in Alaska these days. God knows why, but they are. And our frozen tundra has become the stairway to the stars, politically speaking. I guess. I sure as heck want to give it a shot, anyway, so it makes a lot of sense for me to try to be available to you as much as I can stomach. So when Sarah Palin tells you to leave my family alone, take that with a grain of salt. She sure as heck tried to get her family in front of a camera at every opportunity. My daughters are teenagers and they want all the attention they can get. My wife, too, I assume. She acts like she does. All I know is that as a man I'm going to have to try twice as hard to get half the attention as you know who. So go ahead, make things up, pester my family, I'm ready. I guess."


  1. Thanks, Mark. What's his name— the new governor-guy— sounds like an interesting dickweed.

  2. Hell, Michael, he lives in Alaska doesn't he?