Thursday, July 16, 2009

Romney leads the pack

With only twenty-five months to go before the all-important Ames Straw Poll in Iowa, Mitt Romney has taken a decisive lead in the latest Gallup Poll of potential Republican presidential contenders, beating out Sarah Palin by 26 percent to 21. Also eating his dust are Mike Huckabee at 19 percent and Newt Gingrich at 14.

"Vroom, vroom," said Romney, speaking from a Des Moines IHOP where he is already hard at work making flapjacks for the local voters. "The people of Iowa aren't they type who forgets who feeds 'em, but just in case they do I'm here to cook up a steamin hot refresher course. Here ya go, Mabel, how bout a coupla those little sausages on the side?"

This is the sort of attention to detail that scored Romney his big 2007 Ames Straw Poll victory, which was proceeded by weeks of burger barbecuing, chop charcoaling, and of course, flapjack flipping across this grand and corn-filled state. Sadly, however, his campaign faltered when voters discovered that there were even more exciting and colorful candidates than the man from Massachusetts.

"Yes, that came as quite a disappointment to me," admits Mitt. "I thought I could make it through the campaign on my culinary skills alone, and I guess in the end that was the main reason I couldn't quite overcome the human dynamo that was John McCain. You see, there was a problem with my strategy from the beginning. I was thought of as a bit one dimensional. Everybody just saw me as an easy meal. And I'll admit it, I was. All of my substance was rather new to me, but now I've held my core beliefs for three or four years, and I sincerely believe that by the time the campaign gets into full swing, people will see me as the two dimensional man I really am."

Romney does foresee one potential roadblock that might stand in the way of his presidential ambitions: the possibility that someone vaguely interesting might run against him. "It does worry me a little, but so far I've got the field to myself. And I am getting more interesting with every passing day, going to all the NASCAR races, hunting larger critters, and dropping the occasional 'g'. As a kind of symbolic gesture, I've switched from coffee to tea. And one more thing. There's a fascinating rumor going around that I can't keep it in my pants, but I won't dignify that with a response, at least not yet."

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