Sunday, August 23, 2009

contrarian johns

Paying close attention to President Obama's drop in popularity among liberals and moderates, the Coalition for Contrarian Republicans has taken a radically new contrarian position by calling for party members to 'cut the president a little slack'.

"I wasn't for the name Coalition for Contrarian Republicans," said ridiculous Senator John 'Leland' Ensign of Nevada. "Our acronym is the same as Creedence Clearwater Revival, and I, for one, am a fortunate son. No, me, I preferred CCJ, the Coalition for Contrarian Johns, because after all, you do have to be named John to be a member. And besides..."

"Shut up, John, you're giving away too many of our secrets," shouted Senator John Cornyn of Texas. "Besides, you're on probation for being more ridiculous than called for in the line of duty. But basically, yeah, we're saying that Barack Obama isn't such a bad guy after all, at least for a Democrat. Or actually, I should say, at least for a president. He's certainly more accommodating than the last few guys. I actually have had a beer with Obama, not just wanted to. Go figure. With this health care brouhaha, he's given us all the time we need with our constituents to raise holy hell about his Socialist agenda, and those nuts are about as excited as they've been in years... Of course, these have been a sorry few years... particularly with that numbnuts Bush... and then for some reason old Johnny Mac here got the nod last fall. I'll bet he wouldn't have even bailed our busted banking buddies... So things could have been worse."

"You wanna see worse, come on down to the House and look around," said Minority Leader John Boehner. "We've got the real radicals down there, left of Mao. I'll take a dozen Obamas over one Pelosi or Frank. Take this health care legislation. You know, me and the rest of the guys weren't going to vote for that, just on contrarian principles, but the truth is, the bill is going to be right up the alley of our sponsors in the insurance and pharma lobbies. Now we've got to deal with these left-wing loonies who are threatening to vote against the package if it doesn't have the public option... I sure hope Obama can whip these guys into line, otherwise we're going to be duty bound to cross over and vote for this thing. Boy, I'll bet that would be more than a little hard to explain to our base."

"Screw em, where else they gonna go?" interjected ludicrous John Ensign, momentarily making sense before descending back into pure gibberish. "We just distract them with the Cap and Trade concentration camps. You know those little cameras they put in all of the government mandated thermostats? Well, neither do I, but we just tell..."

"Shut up, John, and let another John get a word in edgewise," said John McCain. "National defense has always been the most important issue, and the president needs our support while we're in the middle of a war. It's not Obama's fault the Bush sold us out in Iraq before we were able to accomplish everything the oil lobby was asking for, and for all his rhetoric, he's taking his sweet time in pulling out. Afghanistan, on the other hand, is going full steam ahead, and with any luck we'll be in Pakistan before too long. I mean, be there officially. And let me respond to Senator Cornyn. You're right, if I had been elected, I probably wouldn't have bailed out our corporate overlords on Wall Street. I guess I'm a real hothead sometimes. Yeah, things could have been a whole lot worse."

"Yep, strong on the military, and let's not forget national security," added Senator David Vitter, who is technically a john. "A couple more weeks and we'll be able to say that Obama kept the country safe at least as long as Bush did."

"But if we do get hit, it's because he's a secret Muslim," said Ensign, desperately seeking attention. "You know, as I travel around my state, I find that the people are just now starting to wake up to the fact that we've got a colored guy as chief executive. I don't care where he was born, I..."

"Shut up, John," mumbled Johnny Isakson, the unusually low-key senator from Georgia."