wheel me out

From the archives: It's 2005, and the ever youthful Rolling Stones are putting the finishing touches on a new collection...

New Rolling Stones CD Slated for September Left to right: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ron Wood A spokesman for the legendary Rolling Stones confirms that the lads are ready to release a new CD in September, their first new studio effort in several years. The disc, entitled 'A Bigger Bang', will be the group's 217th collection. "It's a bloody great record," said legendary lead singer Mick Jagger. "Probably the best thing we've done since, uh... I don't remember. But it will bloody well rock your socks off, and your slippers too." "Heh, heh," said legendary guitarist Keith Richards. "Yeah." The disc, produced by the legendary Don Was, includes the new tracks 'Gas Attack', 'Born to Roll', 'She Gives Me Angina', 'It All Depends', 'Speak Up', 'Gray Sugar', 'Has Anybody Seen My Teeth', 'Street Strolling Man', 'Under My Desk', and seven others too silly to mention.

In order to promote it, they decide to make their first ever appearance on the daytime soap 'Days of our Lives'. We now join the show, already in progress.

"Oh, Shawn, I don't think that I can go on another day like this. Henry is getting suspicious, and he's begun to call me up every half hour..." "Twenty minutes is all we need, Mimi." "But since Samantha started doing crack and little Jimmy fell into the well, I'm afraid of what each new dawning day will bring to light. Sometimes I feel like just ending it all." "Don't talk like that, Mimi. We could run away to Topeka and start a new... Say, what's that racket in the bedroom?" "Racket? What... I don't hear anything." "Of course you must. The entire floor is shaking." "No it's not, Shawn. You must be hearing things." "Don't trifle with me, Mimi. It sounds just like the Rolling Stones." "The who?" "No, the Rolling Stones. I'm going in there right now." "Don't open that door, Shawn. I'm begging you..." "What, ho! Try explaining this, Mimi". "Hey, mate. Mind giving us a little space here?" "Don't you hey mate me, Keith Richards. I demand to know what you're doing in my, uh, my, uh... Mimi's bedroom." "So she's not your wife, then." "You stay out of this, Charlie Watts. I've got a good mind to... What's this? You're wearing my jogging suit! Mimi! You're letting this geezer wear my clothes!" "It's not what it looks like, Shawn. He got pie on his shirt and I didn't think... You shouldn't be leaving your clothes over here in the first place! That's one of the things that's gotten Henry so darn suspicious." "She's got a point, mate. She's not your bird, anyway, so I'd say we have as much business here as you do. Now bugger off." "You want a piece of me, Street Fighting Man?" "All right, lads, let's rumble." POW! OOF! BASH! OUCH! YIIII! OW OW! BAM! KICK KICK! OOOO! CRASH! AIYEEE! "You beasts! You've beaten Shawn into a bloody pulp!" "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay. That's why stunt men make the big bucks." "He's not a stunt man! He's supposed to be my lover! For the next twenty-three episodes!" "Uh... It's right there in the script, idn't it Keith?" "Bottom of page seven." "No it's not!" "I... Isn't this 'The Days of Our Lives'?" "You've got the wrong set, you idiots. This is 'The Young and the Restless'. 'Lives' is filmed in Studio B." "Mmmm." "Bloody 'ell." "So, we'll be off then..." "Somebody call a script doctor."