Forbes 2009

Neither, of course. President Obama did top the list, followed by China's Hu Jintao and Russia's Vladimir Putin, but contrary to the Daily News, the Pope is on there, popping in at a respectable number eleven, right behind Bill Gates and two steps ahead of Warren Buffett. I suppose it's understandable that FOX just couldn't bring itself to cede another bit of recognition to Obama, but honestly, as long as they were fabricating headlines, wouldn't you have expected them to go with 'Rupert Murdoch Tops Forbes Most Powerful List'? Murdoch did rank an astonishing #7, right behind Carlos Slim Helu, the man who owns Mexico. That Rupert, he's so modest. Members of the Bush administration have lost all presence on the list (which must make Dick Cheney pig bitin' mad), but both Clintons make a good showing, with Hillary at #17 and Bill at #30. The real excitement, however, is in the terrorism category, where Mexican drug lord Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman appears at #41 with a bullet, now within striking distance of the fading Osama bin Laden, who has been downgraded annually, and now rests tenuously at #37. "This is a proud day for drug lords everywhere," said Guzman in a statement to the press. "It is a particularly gratifying day for Mexican drug lords, all of whom shall find their heads separated from their bodies if they should ever consider infringing on my territory. That goes for you American drug lords, too, because all your base are belong to us." "Well, good for Guzman," said old al-Qaeda has-bin Laden in one of his increasingly irrelevant videotapes sent to Al Jazeera. "I've had my taste of fortune and fame. I would like to stress that unlike 'El Chapo', I actually stand for something, but I fear that to say more would only make me sound bitter. At least I can take some pleasure in knowing that I ranked higher than Benjamin Netanyahu. Or Oprah, whose show I have long since tired of."