Saturday, December 12, 2009

Simmons to take break from professional rock

graphic by John Cuneo for Esquire

Gene Simmons has announced on his web site that beginning immediately, he is taking an "indefinite break from professional rock," and will spend the next few months "focusing on golf". Once again he brags of admits to having sex with 4600 different women, and apologizes for the "disappointment and hurt that my actions have caused to so many people, most of all my girlfriend, my children, the Kiss Army, and my johnson."

Simmons girlfriend, former Playmate Shannon Tweed, ridiculed the apology, saying "You can't believe a thing that comes out of Gene's mouth, particularly that tongue. Gawd, that was in his book, back in 2001 that he claimed to have screwed 4,600 women. I'm sure it must be closer to 6,000 by now. And besides, he's got nothing to apologize for. I don't mind, and the kids want to be just like him, especially Sophie."

Later in the day, Simmons revised his statement.

"I feel I must correct Shannon's words, which do not paint a complete and accurate portrait. Sadly, my tally of conquests is nowhere near 6,000. As Kiss has resumed their place of glory in the current millennium, I have foolishly squandered the majority of my talent on the band, and find that I can no longer rock and roll all night and party every day, causing me to leave many a groupie unscrewed. Once again I apologize to my girlfriend and to my kids, who believe in me, and to the many women that I've disappointed. And to my johnson. It is my true and hopeful desire that after a few months of focusing on my golf game, I'll once again be ready for action, and 6,000 will soon be in sight."


  1. Six Degrees of Zappadan:

    From: Bill (June 28, 2003)

    Subject: ZFT Licenses Unreleased Zappa Music Under Extraordinary Teamwork

    (UPI) Gail Zappa, widow of the musical iconoclast Frank Zappa, has announced the launch of Extraordinary Teamwork, a limited concern that allows music producers and artists to license unreleased music by Frank Zappa.

    "Those interested may license and incorporate the music into their own work, as long as Frank gets co-writing credit for the song or composition. There are other stipulations as well in the licensing agreement .... These renewable licenses get Zappa music to the public who may not have otherwise heard his music," informs Gail Zappa.

    "The first licensee in Gene Simmons [of KISS] who is using sections of a live performance - including Frank's vocals - into a work Gene is calling "Black Tongue". Other licensees at this time are George Clinton [of Parliament/Funkadelic], Steve Albini [producer for Nirvana and the Pixies], Brian Eno [ producer for U2 and the Talking Heads], David Foster [producer for Whitney Houston and Celine Dion], and we are in negotiations with several others whom I am cannot discuss at this time."

  2. Wilt Chamberlain laughs at these mere mortals!

  3. Simmons is merely another overpaid, over-exposed El Lay peemp. Zappa on the other hand was a highly talented, unique over-exposed musician, and peemp.